AN: Music. As always, music. The music for this is James Paget's We Will Come Back. More author's note to follow at the end of this. And perhaps a trick or two I learned from Marvel.
"From too much love of living Then star nor sun shall waken,
From hope and fear set free,
We thank with brief thanksgiving
Whatever gods may be
That no life lives for ever;
That dead men rise up never;
That even the weariest river
Winds somewhere safe to sea.
Nor any change of light:
Nor sound of waters shaken,
Nor any sound or sight:
Nor wintry leaves nor vernal,
Nor days nor things diurnal;
Only the sleep eternal
In an eternal night."
Algernon Charles Swinburne, The Garden of Proserpine
Epilogue: The Breath
She vaguely recalled being brought here, of being picked up amidst a circle of broken glass. Of the doctor that was brought to see her, who said that she might be in shock. He gave her something and it made her sleep though no dreams broke through the pain and emptiness she felt. She woke up as she had gone to sleep.
Crying.
"We'll work this out," she remembered Alima saying. "It's going to be okay."
But it wasn't going to be okay because Skyler was dead.
And Skyla had no idea what to do. She didn't even know how to stop crying.
How can it be that you cannot die from a broken heart?
Skyla opened her eyes and stared at the ceiling of her old childhood room. Her vision blurred for a moment and when she blinked, more tears found their way down the corner of her eyes. Stifling a fresh sob, she moved her hand over her eyes and breathed in deeply, trying to still the well of sorrow in her heart. When she heard a shift next to her, she turned slightly to see Alima sit up a little. She was in the old chair Skyla had in her room, wrapped in a blanket. Her features were pale and even through her own sorrow, Skyla could tell that the woman had not slept much. When she looked at her, Alima met her gaze, her eyes very worried.
"Skyla," she spoke softly. "I'm here."
Studying her, Skyla found herself remembering the woman she had grown up with. The queen she had known when her mother was still alive. She saw in Alima's eyes the lines that sorrow had carved around them. Saw in her the understanding of what she faced.
"How did you do it?" She asked quietly. "Alima, how did you… How did you carry on after my mother? What could possibly have been enough reason for you to carry on?"
Hesitating, because it was a subject they never spoke of, Alima shuffled on the chair and pulled the blanket around her.
"I didn't want to," she said. "I didn't know how I would. But then… I would lie in bed in the mornings and you would show up. With breakfast. With tea. With lunch. You would drag me to town, faking the need to go to the library. You would make me get involved…" She trailed off, thinking quietly. Skyla watched as she looked from her to the window out to the bright sunlight that streamed into the room.
"I took each day at a time, even though I didn't want to. And, I looked to you. It was unfair maybe, but I made you my reason. I felt that… If I could keep it together for your sake, if I could give you what you wanted in life. If I could support you in your passions, then maybe… Maybe…" She hesitated. "Thinking about it now, that hardly seemed fair to be honest. It was a lot to put on you."
It was so hard to think through the pain to what it had been like in those years. Skyla tried to remember losing her parents, tried to remember going through the motions of getting Alima out of bed. She had thought that she would never see Skyler again but it had not been true.
"I only ever wanted Skyler," Skyla breathed. "Always, even before I knew what love was. What lust and wanting was. Passion. Dancing was… I know it seems odd to say it this way but dancing was never a passion. It was breathing. But Skyler… Skyler was my passion." A fresh set of tears came to her and she covered her face with her hand.
"I don't know how to continue on without him."
There was a creaking sound from the chair as Alima got up.
"Skyla, may I…" she hesitated. "May I lie with you?"
Nodding, Skyla shifted back on the bed till her back touched the wall, opening a space for the older woman, who lay down beside her and then carefully wrapped her arms around her, pulling her closer. It made Skyla cry again and for a while, nothing was said as they simply existed together in sorrow. As time passed and Skyla came back to herself she wondered whether Alima had fallen asleep until she felt the older woman run a hand over her head, still soothing her.
"You don't have to figure it out immediately," Alima spoke quietly but with Skyla's head on her chest she felt every word as it formed. "What you need to do is mourn. Cry. Learn to exist again, because I will not lie to you, in the beginning it is all about simply existing in the moment." Her arms tightened around her protectively.
"Skyla, I can trust you to stay with us?"
She almost laughed.
"I have to," Skyla breathed. "He made me promise, Alima." She wanted to start crying again but could stop herself this time. Or, perhaps she simply had no more tears left. "How can I deny him? His last wish?" She shifted, her chest aching.
"How could he do this to me?"
She felt Alima sigh deeply.
"Not because he wanted to," she spoke quietly. "I can assure you that." Alima was quiet for a moment. "I would say that he did it to protect you and the wingdom. He was the king." She hesitated. "That was what being married to him… That was always the risk Skyla."
It made her angry hearing it but Skyla didn't have enough energy to lash out. She also knew that Alima was right.
"Then…" She paused. "Then what do I do now? What do we do now? Do I simply return to a lonely throne and a barren bed? Do I exist as queen because I promised him I would? Because the Skyswirlstone chose me? What do I do, Alima?"
"Well," the older woman spoke, running a few fingers through her hair again. "You breathe. You dance. You stay here as long as you need to and return to the wingdom when you can. The council can watch over it while we figure this out."
Skyla could not keep the touch of bitterness out of her voice.
"I don't think being a dancer trumps being a queen, Alima."
The older woman murmured something in protest.
"I would disagree with that," she said. "You are as much a part of this world than the other one. You have lived in and breathed two lives and I don't think that, under the current circumstances anybody has the right to ask you to give this up too. I won't allow it. We will figure something out. We will make this work so that you can still have this. There is…" Skyla felt her shiver suddenly. "So much dancing gives you."
The silence was quite telling.
Skyla, who came a little to herself, could not stop herself from shuddering. The previous night's events were very vague in her mind.
"I… think dancing gave us a broken roof."
Alima's chuckle was just as uncomfortable.
"Let me sit up," she said. "Can I bring you something to drink?" Skyla shifted away from her, allowing Alima to sit up and reposition herself. Skyla too sat up a little, moving to the bottom of the bed so that she could rest with her shoulder against the wall.
"I'm good," she said. "How… How much damage is there?"
Alima's face said it all.
"Well, there is no structural damage," she said. "But the glass panes…" She watched Skyla's face. "It's a wonder you weren't cut to shreds. I did get the doctor in to look at you last night. He… found the scars and took out a few older pieces of debris that were still stuck in there. He gave you a course of antibiotics that you need to start drinking today. There will be questions, Skyla, but, I guess we can hide in our ignorance. We don't know of anything on Earth that could have caused this."
Feeling uncomfortable, Skyla reached around her neck and drew out the Skyswirlstone by its golden chain. It was still cold to her touch and more alive to her now than it had ever been. She could feel it and, distantly, the wingdom. When she closed her eyes and focused, she could even imagine feeling all the lives that were there. The people currently rebuilding what they had lost.
"I didn't… I didn't know it will do this," Skyla spoke softly. "I am sorry. You weren't hurt? Whirl? Twirl?" At the mention of their names, the dogs crawled out from underneath the bed and jumped onto it with them. For the first time, Skyla felt herself truly happy to see them and spend some time fussing over them as she gathered herself. Their presence soothed her immediately.
Even Alima's presence, she realized suddenly. They were all squeezed into her tiny little bed and it felt… natural.
It gave her a space in which she could breathe again.
Hugging her dogs she looked to Alima who was smiling at her. It was a sad smile but it made her try to smile at her too.
"You will love to live again," the woman spoke quietly. "And I know it's too early for you to hear or understand this but you will love again."
Her mood darkened for only a moment as she shook her head, knowing with more conviction than Alima that she was wrong. Still…
"Did you?" She asked. "Did you love again?" It was still an awkward conversation but the older woman met her gaze and was honest.
"Yes," she said. "I have. Not the same, never the same. But, I found love. And, you will too. It won't be the same as you had with Skyler. Such a love as one has for a person like that wouldn't be so powerful if it could be found anywhere. But, if you open yourself, you will be surprised but what might come over your path. Don't be closed to it Skyla, even now – from the beginning. The only way to get through this is to keep those you have left close."
Nodding, Skyla hugged her dogs again. She looked at the window beyond her room and to the bright world outside. Breathing slowly and deeply, she reached out and took Alima's hand, squeezing it.
"Thank you," she said sincerely. "For all you have done. For being here for me, in my darkest hour."
The woman returned her touch.
"You will never be alone," she said. "Lonely, yes. But never alone. I promise you that."
It was harder to hear than she anticipated, but Skyla squeezed Alima's hand again, accepting it. She looked at the world beyond her window again and at the blue sky that stretched above them. She found that she wanted to walk underneath it, to feel the sun on her face. She wished for a moment that she could fly in this world.
But also realized that dancing would have to do.
She looked back to Alima and smiled. It wasn't the same smile she had. It didn't even feel as if it was a smile but she would have to learn to do so again. And, mean it. Though, she knew in this moment she didn't need to pretend.
"Why don't I help you with the tea?" she asked and got up slowly, motioning to her dogs to get off of the bed. "And then maybe, we can go outside and just…"
She tucked the Skyswirlstone in underneath the shirt she wore, feeling the coldness of it against her skin. She would have to find a new way to carry it.
I am not like you, Skyler. I have to learn to be… anew. One step at a time my love. One action at a time. I have to learn to be me again.
Without you.
"Why don't we just go outside and sit. And be. And learn to be again."
The End… Or is it?
AN: This Author's Note almost took as much time to think about as the end of this chapter did. Endings are hard, they always are. Endings surrounding death even more so because there is no ending to the pain that death causes, only a slow fade through which it becomes a thing to be forgotten, only to be remembered – occasionally, in our own darkest hours.
I started this story in 2008, when I was still in England and a completely different person than who I am now. I wrote it through the time I nearly lost my mother to death, in the time I lost the life I had created for myself abroad and in the time I tried to carve a new one year. I found love, kept it for a decade. I found a piece of myself in a broken horse that saved me from myself, only to lose him. People came and went. Friends were made, I changed. The world changed. I'm not sure either of us did for the better. But through it all, this story remained. It lay in time, not quite changing as I did. But certainly affected by all that changed me. And, the secret? The revelation?
I don't think I would have written such an ending had I been the same person who started it.
You see, writing waited for me. It waited as I threw it to the recesses of my mind. And learned a little bit more of life.
And, when I returned to it, it showed me that I have not lost what I thought I had. That the words were still there and the story was now richer perhaps. The ending at least something I could do justice to. Perhaps something that will do justice to all of those who have read it with me on this long, long journey. Maybe that is what I can teach you now if you share the same passion for words that I do. They don't go away. There is no such thing as writer's block. There is simply, perhaps, the time that passes that is needed to get it right.
For those who came back. Thank you. To StillDormant who still beta's my work after so many years. And so many crappy clichés. Thank you.
This story is dedicated to all. To those suffering in the shadows from a disease no one dares to admit. This is dedicated to those trying to make a difference and be the light. This is dedicated, as all these stories are, to a woman named Arlene. A woman who held me through the darkest hours of my childhood, who taught me to see the world through different eyes and taught me to accept all, even myself. And change that which is unacceptable. Through writing, through actions.
I will return to this world, so I would suggest following me or dropping me a PM if you wish to be put on a notification's list. You can also contact me through my blog or twitter. Both are in my profile.
And, with this I bow out.
This last one is for you.
Sometime later…
"With the winter storm front threatening the academy," Dame Skyla was saying with a smile. "And, with the production of The Nutcracker canceled, I really don't see a reason for all of you to stay here. You can go home for the holidays. If the wingdom needs you, I will simply reach out to you."
She studied her five most promising students trying to read their intention as they lingered around her.
"But it is Christmas," Angelica said. "You shouldn't be alone."
Sighing, wondering where she had put her purse, Skyla turned to smile at the younger woman.
"You know I don't really celebrate Christmas, Angelica," she pointed out. "This is a time to be with your families and, to be honest," she looked at the weather outside. "You will have to go today if you want to leave here. We'll be snowed in before long. I will be fine. I am never alone." Jade's subtle shift from the corner of the room made her look to the dark haired girl. She had been fidgeting on the opposite side of Skyla's office and, to the woman's surprise, produced her purse.
"It was at the fire place," she pointed out and brought it over to her teacher. "We know, Dame Skyla. But… most of us don't have plans anyway. Angelica's parents are away, my father is giving some talk in Washington. I'm going to stay anyway." She looked at her friends. "But you don't all have to stay. Dame Skyla is right, this is about family. We'll be here to keep her company."
"I don't…" Skyla began but Camille interrupted her.
"My parents will have all the company they need at home," she pointed out. "To be honest, I'm using this as an excuse not to see my cousins. According to them, we're already snowed in."
"Camille," Dame Skyla admonished the younger woman. "They are your parents. You were all just saying that Christmas is about family. You should be there."
Slam, who had made himself comfortable on one of the chairs opposite of her desk, sat back and stretched his arms above his head.
"I have all the family I have right here," he said. "If the girls are gonna stay, so will I. There's not much going on at home anyway."
Sighing, Skyla turned to her last student and found that he was simply smiling at her. "My grandmother's going to North Carolina," he pointed out. "I'll be happy here as well."
Accepting her purse from Jade, Skyla shook her head in disbelief then turned to smile at her students. "Well, if you all insist," she said. "But I'm going to have to tell Sonya that we will have more company for the weekend and beyond. We're off to town anyway." She wanted to roll her eyes but had the grace not to. The warnings of a storm had sparked her Chief Housekeeper to plan a late minute shopping trip to make sure that they had enough food to properly feed all the students who were staying behind. Skyla's academy was nearly empty as she had send away everybody who could go home away. Her Sky Dancers were the only ones who seemed to wish to stay voluntarily and she knew why.
They were afraid she would be lonely. They might even feel responsible to make sure that she was taken care of during this quiet time of the year. They didn't always understand that this was not her first Christmas. Nor, would it be her last. She took the time to reflect and, more importantly, to hide away in her room from the cold weather with a good book.
She never really celebrated Christmas and it felt strange to think that she would now have to.
I need to tell Sonya to try and do something special for them. I might as well get into the spirit of things.
"Dame Skyla!" Think of the devil.
All in the room turned to see the old Hispanic woman come into Skyla's office, wrapped in a thick coat.
"I got the truck started," she said. "We must go! This weather is not getting any better."
Skyla nodded at her then turned to her students, feeling strangely renewed.
"Thank you for staying," she said. "Whatever your intention. We'll go to town and… maybe bring back something nice." She looked at their faces and smiled warmly.
"My Sky Dancers, thank you for considering me as part of your family.
Fin…