Disclaimer: do not own Transformers.

Summary: Drabble, complete and utter crack. So, Barricade and Bumblebee are sparkmates. Sam isn't too happy about this.

Author note: This, strangely enough, came in part from drharper's latest bunny over here. I always kind of thought that Bumblebee would be the older, protective brother to Sam…but then I realized that Sam can be a protective bastard of his own right. And so, I present to you: Barricade/Bumblebee…for the lulz!!

Also: Sam's little threat is somewhat paraphrased on Dawn's threat to Spike concerning Buffy in BtVS.

Big Brother

Barricade had arrived early at the Witwicky residence. Bumblebee had not yet returned from his mission, although Barricade trusted in his sparkmate's ability enough to not worry about the younger mech…too much.

He was surprised, however, when Bumblebee's charge—the flighty human who had been Barricade's target—came out into the driveway.

Barricade and the human had not had a proper confrontation. Barricade refused to apologize, even if Bumblebee asked him. He was doing his duty, so if the human came out here for an explanation, he could stick his whining up his—

"Barricade," the human greeted curtly, not seeming to care that the neighbours (who were now looking at him strangely and were now retreating inside their houses) thought that he was talking to a police car.

"Samuel," the ex-Decepticon managed.

"Bumblebee isn't here yet."

"I can wait."

The human came closer then, walking in a circle behind him before coming before his headlights. He tried to not be wary at the jangling of the keys that the human oh-so-casually held in his left hand, or at the lighter that he held in his right. Standing in front of the Decepticon, he flicked the lighter, looking contemplatively at the little flame before putting it out.

"Your guardian will be displeased to know that you deal in narcotics."

The human snorted. "I don't."

"Than why else would you be holding that—"

"Listen, Barricade," Sam said casually, closing his eyes and smiling. He placed both of his hands on the Decepticon's hood, before looking at the hologram-driver. Barricade was taken aback, shocked into silence. Not that it mattered to the human. "We've had our shares of misunderstandings. I accept that. I don't expect you to apologize, just as long as you don't expect me to forgive you. We both know we're playing nice for Bumblebee." He stroked the hood of the engine then, the paint oh-so-close to those damn keys. The human's voice suddenly changed in tone, from playful to something…a bit more sinister.

"We humans aren't as powerful as you—"

"Obviously"

"—Nor as big, nor as technologically advanced or whatever. We don't have any special powers or inbuilt weapons. But you do recharge. You do anything to Bumblebee, and you'll wake up on fire, do I make myself clear?"

Barricade looked at the human again, the feral look in his eyes and the smile that played on his lips. When did humans get so scary? "Crystal," he said.

"He better be back by eleven," the human said, straightening and backing away from the car.

"I shall return him by ten thirty."

"Good." The human smirked then, and Barricade felt a tremor go up his armour. "I'm glad we had this talk."

Before Barricade could answer, Bumblebee drove up the driveway. "I'm so sorry I'm late, I was—"

Then he noticed that Barricade wasn't alone.

"Did I miss anything?"

"Nothing important," Sam said, shrugging carelessly.

Bumblebee looked at his charge. "Sam, did you—"

"I assure you that your guardia—your charge was being completely civil," Barricade said.

Bumblebee looked at them both—at his sparkmate, who looked as bored and calm as ever, and at Sam, who looked up at him with trusting doe-eyes—and nodded.

"I'll be back soon, Sam," Bumblebee promised, and Sam nodded.

"I'll be waiting for you," he told Bumblebee cheerfully. Bumblebee completely missed the pointed look the young man gave to Barricade.

Then he and Barricade were tearing down the rode.

And as they drove away from the small human abode, the human silhouetted by the light of the house and still glaring at the mech, Barricade absently wondered if his new sparkmate would object to a threesome.