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Home 4/4

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Four months later

"Are you all awake from your nap, Jake?"

Jacob stretched and yawned and blinked his eyes in his cot, looking all warm and soft with sleep.

"Mama?" He asked.

"Your mama's gone to say hi to your dad." Harm picked Jacob up, and set about changing him.

"Daddy!" Jacob said excitedly, pointing at Harm. "Ham!"

Harm sighed, and tried to smile. "I'm still working on that, buddy."

He unbuttoned the sleeper Jacob was wearing, and then started changing the boy's diaper, talking more to himself than to the boy. "Except your mama won't let me propose." He sighed again. "She says marriage and her aren't on very good terms."

"Ham pane." Jacob said, reaching towards Harm.

Harm grinned, shaking his head. "Alright, we'll save the serious talk for later. But we can only play plane after I've changed you, you smelly runt."

Jacob giggled. "Melly."

"That's right. You're all stinky." Harm scrunched up his face, which made Jacob laugh harder.

"Tinky!"

Done with changing his diaper, Harm picked up Jacob. "Let's get you fed, and then we can play plane."

"Pay pane!" Jacob clapped.

"That's right. And we can work on getting your mama to let you go on a real plane. Sarah is really looking forward to meet you, Jake."

--

A little while later

Harm played with Jacob, only half paying attention to the boy. His thoughts kept drifting as they had been these past few weeks, preoccupied with Mac and marriage.

He'd first broached the topic with her by saying he loved her and suggesting that they maybe get married. It hadn't been the most smooth or decisive delivery, but he just didn't know how she'd react. Turns out her reaction would be to saying that a piece of paper wouldn't prove anything.

So he'd countered that a piece of paper would make things official in the eyes of the law, an important step towards allowing him a legal claim to Jacob, should anything happen. And at hearing that, she'd completely flipped out on him. She'd gotten upset and sent him home.

That had been a terrible week, during which he'd felt hurt, insulted, angry and frustrated, and she'd avoided and ignored the topic. The tension had been unbearable, but he'd refused to sacrifice Sunday at the park and Monday pasketti night because she was being evasive and distant. Their behaviour had ultimately even made Jacob cranky and upset. So he'd finally backed off the marriage question – for the time being – and she'd just been acting odd ever since, keeping an emotional distance from him that was more like a physical barrier. At least she hadn't kept him from seeing Jacob, and the little guy was back to being his happy little self.

Part of Harm knew her history with marriage and almost-marriage, especially her experience with Mic's death, was the source of Mac's current attitude. He just didn't know what to do about it, how to approach the topic and talk about it without her freaking out on him.

The irony of this situation didn't escape Harm. It seemed Mac and he had reversed roles somewhere along the way, and he wanted to push while she kept pulling away. Maybe he just needed to put himself back in his old shoes, and take in the view before broaching the subject with Mac.

He heard the front door open, and prepared himself to not get upset when she walked into the den and acted distant and aloof

"Harm, hey." She smiled, but it wasn't that full, warm smile. There was a weary caution that had him biting the inside of his cheek in an attempt to retain his equanimity.

He gave her his best grin, even though she had just been away for two hours visiting Brumby at his grave. The thought of it made him feel insecure, even though that wasn't very reasonable. "Hey, Mac. How about some tea to warm you up?"

"That's alright," She said with a slight shake of her head, still not moving into the room. "It's not that cold out."

A heavy silence slowly seeped between them, as his head told him he was being an ass for pressuring her into something she couldn't bring herself to want, and his heart felt a little bit empty at not seeing the usual spark in her eyes that was there when she looked at him.

"Jake still asleep?" She asked, "It's so quiet."

That effectively brought Harm's pity party to an abrupt end. "What?" He stood up quickly, realizing the boy was nowhere in sight. "We were just playing..."

If Jake was quiet, it meant he was getting himself into a world of trouble, knowing he was doing something he wasn't allowed to do.

Mac frowned. "He's way to quiet," She said, verbalizing his thoughts. "I'll check the kitchen." She was already halfway there.

Harm searched the rest of the ground floor. "Jacob?" He called, knowing it was futile since Jake wouldn't answer if he didn't want to be found.

He saw the study door was open, and was immediately wary. That door was usually kept closed since Jacob wasn't allowed in there. It also meant it hadn't been baby proofed to the same extent as the rest of the house.

He cautiously pushed open the door and found Jacob sitting on the carpeted floor with his back to Harm, surrounded by sheets of paper and a scattering of open case files he'd taken apart.

"Jacob!" Harm said as sternly as he could manage. He'd be the first to admit he wasn't the greatest disciplinarian. Who could get upset at a kid that adorable? Not him, that was for sure.

"Jacob, you know you're not allowed in here." He said, crouching down to see just how much damage Jake had done to Mac's work.

Jake turned around then, guilt written over his entire body and face. He'd also used the markers Mac kept in her office to actually write all over his body and face. Harm stared at the boy, mouth gaping open. The kid's arms and legs and clothes and parts of his face were marked with bold strokes of blue and red, thin lines of green and black, splotchy dots of pink and brown.

If Mac hadn't wanted to marry him before, she sure as hell wasn't going to want to marry him now. Jake had transformed himself into a terrible Pollock imitation on his watch.

His senses kicking in, Harm quickly took the markers away from Jacob and tried to tell off the boy, but he just couldn't do it. He was too thoroughly endeared and enchanted by the look on Jake's face; he looked so guilty, and yet there was that ever-present glint of mischief and a carefree innocence in his eyes. Harm knew he shouldn't laugh as that would encourage Jacob, but this was just too funny. It was like a little Mac looking back at him, except for the carefree innocence. Mac had always had a weight, a sadness ebbing and flowing in the warm brown of her eyes.

"Harm, did you find—" Mac called from the doorway, but she stopped abruptly as she caught sight of Jacob.

To Harm's utter dismay, instead of scurrying into the room and telling him off while cleaning up Jacob, Mac deflated against the door jamb. She stared at Jacob, her shoulders dropping, her face etched with exhaustion, and then she walked out of the room.

Harm quickly scooped up Jake, took him to the kitchen and put him in his high chair with a bowl of Cheerios.

"Behave." He told Jacob.

"Ankyou," Jacob said happily, in full technicolor, and began stuffing Cheerios into his mouth.

Harm searched for Mac, and found her in the den, curled up on the couch. He tentatively crouched down in front of her.

"I'm sorry, Mac..."

"It's not your fault, Harm." Her voice was drowning in defeat, her forehead was resting on her knees; she wasn't looking at him. "Jacob doesn't need any help finding his way into trouble."

"No," He put his hand on her forearm. "I mean for ... for not understanding. We don't have to get, um," He hesitated to say the 'm' word, worried she'd get upset with him. "We don't have to do anything official..." He trailed off at her unresponsiveness.

"I didn't mean to walk out." She said suddenly, still not looking at him. "I just saw Jake there, all covered in ink, and..." She took a weary sigh. "I'm tired, Harm. It's so much work. I'm just so damn tired."

"I'll give him a bath, Mac." He soothed. "Don't worry about it. Just relax." He hadn't realized how emotionally draining her visit to Mic's grave must have been. She rarely went, and she hadn't given any reason for wanting to go this Saturday.

She shook her head against her knee, her voice muffled. "I mean tired of everything. I'm tired of feeling sad whenever I think of Mic, I'm tired of trying to fight how you make me feel, I'm tired of feeling guilty about how I don't want to fight what you make me feel. I'm tired of pretending I'm okay. I'm just tired." He heard her tears as she spoke.

"It's okay; don't cry, Sarah." He sat next to her on the couch, and wrapped his arms around her even though she didn't move, was still sitting curled in on herself with her forehead on her knees. "I hate to see you cry."

She sat still for a long moment, not making a noise beyond her soft breathing.

"Do you really think we should get married?" She asked unexpectedly, loosening slightly in his embrace.

"I do." He answered. "I want that for us, all three of us. But what matters is what you want."

"I don't know what to do. My heart wants one thing, but ..." She trailed off.

"You feel guilty." He filled in her silence.

She nodded, still not looking at him.

"Don't, Mac. Brumby wouldn't want that."

As soon as the words left his mouth, she started crying in earnest.

"How can I be so ready to marry you when I was so terrified of marrying Mic?" She choked out, shifting, uncurling so that her head was buried in his shoulder, her hands clutching fistfuls of his shirt. "What kind of a terrible person does that make me?"

He held her tighter. "Shh, Mac. It doesn't make you a terrible person. It doesn't." He felt tears well in his own eyes at her grief, so raw and naked in his arms.

"Mac, Sarah, you deserve this; you can let yourself be happy. It's not a betrayal to Mic. It's honouring his memory and your son, that you would let yourself and Jake accept this gift."

She was still crying, though perhaps a little bit less, so he continued.

"You told me Mic would do anything to see you happy, right?"

She nodded against his shoulder, and sniffed. "He would." She mumbled.

He held her, not saying anything, letting her think her obviously troubling thoughts through.

"I love you, Harm." She whispered after a length of silence, her breath warm against his neck.

He closed his eyes, nuzzled into her hair. "I love you too, Sarah."

She pulled slightly out of his embrace, the tip of her nose red from crying, her eyes watery. She studied him for a moment, and then kissed him, long and slow.

"I'm sorry for being difficult." She whispered, her forehead resting against his.

"It's alright. I know you can't help yourself," He teased, and it earned him a smile.

"I do want to marry you." She looked him in the eye. "I love you, Jacob loves you."

He let out a breath, light with relief. He grinned. "I love you, I love Jacob." He rubbed his nose against hers. "Marry me."

"Okay," She was smiling as well, though he could see the last vestiges of the wall she'd built after Mic's death still in place. "We will."

He chuckled, before turning serious, worried he may be pushing his luck. "When?"

"I don't know." She shook her head, uncertainty suddenly clouding her eyes. "I don't know," She repeated.

He nodded,

"That's okay." He answered, the certainty in his tone unmistakable. "I'm not going anywhere."

"I'm scared." She whispered, her eyes filling with tears. "I don't want to be..."

He pulled her into a tight hug. "I don't know what to do about that, Mac; that's your fight. Just know that I'm here for you, I'm with you."

--

Seven months later

"Daddy!" Jacob squealed. "Mama look pretty!" He turned, the cushion in his hands almost falling to the ground. He pointed to the end of the aisle, from where Mac would make her entrance son. "Look!"

Their friends and family, seated along the aisle, laughed in amused delight at Jacob's excitement.

Harm crouched down in front of his son. "She is beautiful, buddy," He answered, grinning at Jacob. "Want to stand next to daddy for the next part?"

Jacob nodded, and hopped at the same time, as though this might better convey his answer. "Okay!"

Harm held Jacob's tiny hand in his much larger one, and stood up at the front of the aisle. He noted that Jacob was standing surprisingly still, abnormally well-behaved given how excited he was.

But all such thoughts fled when he saw Mac appear, shimmering in her white wedding dress. His grin could not be tamed, and when his eyes met hers, the world faded away, nothing mattering beyond the woman who was making her way towards him in measured steps, and the little boy who was holding his hand.

He knew then that he'd never need for anything more.

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End.