Twilight. The book that's been ruined for all of us by rabid commercialism (sort of). The movie we've all been waiting for (sort of).
The movie parody I've been planning for over a year. Now, in several installments, my dream of taking the mickey out of Summit Entertainment's "movie" is finally realized.
-WARNING- script format seemed most logical, since it's a movie. So, if you don't like script format…tough.
Of Gardenburgers and Spider Monkeys
Dramatis Personae
BELLA, an insipid girl poorly portrayed by Kristen Stewart.
EDWARD, a godlike vampire overacted by Robert Pattinson, who is a method actor, which explains everything.
STEPHENIE MEYER, your questionable author.
ME, parodysmith extraordinaire and bemused viewer of movie.
MEMA, my grandmother, who hasn't read the books.
VIEWERS, real Twilight fans, who have been nervous about this movie since day one.
FANGIRLS, squealing preteens who don't give a shit if the movie is true to the artist's vision, since they're just here because Edward/Jacob is dreammmmyyy.
OTHER CHARACTERS no one cares about.
Scene One: Bella Arrives in Forks.
-Weird foggy Twilight graphic that isn't the same font as the book title-
BELLA'S VOICE: I'd never given much thought to how I would die…
VIEWERS: Hooray! They managed not to mess it up within the first five seconds!
FANGIRLS: What the hell is this? Just give me Edward/Jacob!
ME: I hate Bella.
BELLA: -puts cactus in pot and sighs-
RENEE: Come on, Bella, time to drive you to the airport, which I'm not at all sad about, as demonstrated by my oddly cheerful voice!
PHIL: I'm a moron!
VIEWERS: So far, not so bad.
-we are suddenly in Forks-
CHARLIE: Your hair's longer.
BELLA: I hate everything.
ME: I hate you, Bella.
FANGIRLS: OMG OMG OMG IT'S FORKS! LET'S WHISPER AND GIGGLE ABOUT IT!
VIEWERS: Shut up, n00bs.
CHARLIE: I got you a purple bedspread. Do you like purple?
BELLA: I hate everything equally, so purple's fine.
ME: My cousin has that same bedspread. She got it from Target. There goes the illusion.
FANGIRLS: OMG OMG YOU GUYS LET'S GO BUY THAT BEDSPREAD AND BE COOL LIKE BELLA THEN MAYBE WE'LL MOVE TO FORKS AND FIND EDWARD AND HE'LL LIKE US BETTER CUZ WE'RE EVEN MORE INSIPID!
BELLA: -pulls out cell phone-
ME: I know two people that have that phone.
VIEWERS: Bella doesn't have a cell phone!
FANGIRLS: OMG OMG YOU GUYS LET'S GO BUY THAT PHONE AND BE COOL LIKE BELLA THEN MAYBE WE'LL MOVE TO FORKS AND FIND EDWARD AND HE'LL LIKE US BETTER BECAUSE WE'RE EVEN MORE INSIPID!
BILLY AND JACOB: We're here 50 pages early and we brought your truck!
TEAM JACOB: SQUEEEE!
VIEWERS: Ew. He's here early. And what the hell is wrong with his hair? Where's the ponytail?
ME: They decided James should have one, even though he doesn't in the book.
BELLA: Oh my gosh, I don't hate this truck!
ME: Lol. Who says "gosh"?
CHARLIE: Come on, Billy. Let's have characters and go pretend-fight and talk about fishing.
VIEWERS: OMG character!
JACOB: We used to make mud pies.
BELLA: I hate mud.
CHARLIE: Let's go out to eat, since the scriptwriters decided to give you character rather than cooking ability.
BELLA: I hate that. Let's go.
BILLY: Bye, guys.
JACOB: I'll be back.
TEAM JACOB: HOORAY!
-at the café-
GUY NAMED DWALIN: Hi, Bella! You probably don't remember me, since I'm not in the book. But I've known you since you were four.
BELLA: I hate you.
ME: Dwalin. Good, strong Welsh name.
EVERYONE ELSE: What kind of a name is Dwalin?
VIEWERS: Isn't there a dwarf named Dwalin in The Hobbit?
FANGIRLS: We don't care! Give us Edward/Jacob!
WAITRESS: Let the girl eat her gardenburger!
ME: Did she say gardenburger? OMG Bella's a vegetarian! This is SO perfect!
FANGIRLS: Who cares what Bella's eating? Give us Edward/Jacob!
Scene Two: The first day of school.
BELLA'S VOICE: It's march.
VIEWERS: No, it's January.
ERIC: Hi. You must be Isabella. I'm Eric, suddenly cool and now newspaper editor instead of chess club president. Did I mention I'm now Asian?
BELLA: I hate people.
ERIC: Does that mean you don't want to be on the front page?
BELLA: I hate attention.
ERIC: I'm not in the least put out. You're way hotter than I expected.
ME: Kristen Stewart, I hate you and your pinchy nose.
-suddenly in the cafeteria-
ANGELA: -pulls out camera and snaps picture of Bella- Hi. I'm Angela. I know you didn't expect me to have a camera or weird plastic glasses, but such is life.
ERIC: Nix the camera, girl. The feature is OFF! -snaps in Z formation-
ANGELA: I guess we'll have to do another editorial on teen drinking.
BELLA: -Clever suggestion-
ME: What's happening? Bella is suddenly a person!
JESSICA: Hi, I'm Jessica. In the book, I'm lame and shallow, but here, I'm hilarious. Do you speak Valley Girl?
BELLA: I hate shallow people.
MIKE: Hi, Bella. I'm Mike, and I love you. Also, I act like an obnoxious Junior High kid.
-Cullens walk by windows-
FANGIRLS: SQUEEEEEEE!
BELLA: Oooo, shiny. I don't hate them. Who are they?
JESSICA: The one with the backwards baseball cap is Emmett, the one who's not as pretty as she's supposed to be is Rosalie, the one who isn't wearing designer clothes is Alice, and the one who looks like he's in pain which might have something to do with the fact that his hair looks like he's been electrified is Jasper.
BELLA: I was totally talking about the hot single one and you know it.
JESSICA: He's Edward, but he's too good for you.
BELLA: Dammit. You're probably right. I have no sense of self-worth.
-Biology class-
MIKE: Mr ------, this is Bella.
MR ------: Hello there. In the book my name is Mr. Banner, but not here. No one knows what my name is because I mumbled it. Take a seat next to Edward.
BELLA: How convenient.
EDWARD: I'm a method actor. –smolders angrily-
FANGIRLS: SQUEEE!
ME: Wow, he is kinda cute.
EDWARD'S EYES: I hate you, Isabella Swan.
EDWARD'S EXPRESSION: -is overdone-
BELLA: Meep.
MEMA: This guy's a creep.
ME: Just wait, Mema. You'll see the light.
-in the office-
SECRETARY: In the book my name is Ms. Cope and I look like Stephenie Meyer, but here I have no character. I'm afraid we can't transfer you out of Biology, Edward.
EDWARD: I'll just have to endure it. –storms out like a two-year-old being denied candy-
BELLA: It must be my fault.
Scenes Three: The Mystery of Edward is Established
-the next day-
BELLA: Edward isn't here.
FANGIRLS: Then who cares?
VIEWERS: Then who cares?
ME: Then who cares?
SCRIPTWRITERS: Then who cares?
-cut to Edward's reappearance-
BELLA: -sits down very cautiously. Blames self. Is pinchy-nosed.-
ME: It is getting progressively easier for me to hate Bella.
EDWARD: -with more difficulty than if he were scaling Mount Everest while fighting off a pack of wild hyenas- hello.
FANGIRLS: SQUEEEE!
VIEWERS: Wow, Robert Pattinson. Overact much?
ME: It's not his fault. He's a method actor.
BELLA: Hi.
EDWARD: Let's identify some cells!
BELLA: Fine. But I'm totally smarter than you.
EDWARD: Okay then. Anaphase.
BELLA: Let me check. –checks- Dammit.
VIEWERS: Wow, they didn't screw up the Biology scene! There's hope!
EDWARD: I know I probably wierded you out, but let's be friends.
BELLA: Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?
ME: Close enough. Snigger snigger. Cuz he's a vampire…? Never mind.
BELLA: …because there's no way I'd be friends with you after that horrendous overacting!
EDWARD: Come on, please? It's not my fault I'm Method! -smolders-
FANGIRLS: SQUEEEEE! HE SMOLDERED!
EDWARD: -smolders to the audience-
FANGIRLS: -whisper- -giggle- -faint-
VIEWERS: Robert Pattinson, because your hotness gave us at least five minutes of silence from the squealing preteens, your horrendous overacting is temporarily forgiven.
EDWARD: Let's talk about you.
BELLA: Even though I don't open up to anyone else and you are the last person I'm likely to talk to since I think you hate me, I will tell you my life story.
-later, in the parking lot-
BELLA: Ho hum, my dad put new tires on my truck in a very touching father-daughter scene which gave the usually one-dimensional character of Charlie a human side.
TYLER: Ho hum, driving my van. By the way, Stephenie Meyer forgot to mention this, but I'm black.
ICE: -is slippery-
TYLER: AAAAAGGHH! MY VAN WENT CRAZY AND IS NOW TRYING TO CRUSH A HOT GIRL! NOT HER!
EDWARD'S BRAIN: NOT HER!
-Edward slides in between Bella and the van. The side of the van dents a few seconds before Edward's hand touches it.-
BELLA: MY HERO!
OTHER CULLENS: WTF?????
LOCAL EXTRA WHO IS INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL TO HAVE A LINE: Call 911!
EDWARD: I'm a method actor! -overacts-
A/N: Next time, we start with the hospital scene! Hope you guys enjoyed this. I'm sorry if there are some slight chronological mess-ups in this; there were some major chronological screw-ups in the movie, and my head is still spinning. If you have any suggestions, don't hesitate to give them!