Summary: When Donald and Goofy were told to find the Keyblade and its Master, they didn't expect this. // "You're pretty flat-chested for a fourteen year old, Kairi." "DIE!" // AU // OOC!Sora // Yaoi // LeSo // LANGUAGE!
WARNING! WARNING!
If you are not over the age of 10 or something turn around...unless you've been allowed to watch R rated movies or really-should-be-R-but-they-rated-it-PG-13-for-more-views movies 'cause there's a LOT of swearing and innuendo and sexual comments and yeah.
WITHIN IS PROFANITY GALORE! As in like almost every sentence Sora speaks.
Also there's yaoi. Don't like yaoi, go away.
Anything else shall be said in A/N after chapter...bye!
Unexpected Key to the Heart
Now What is Wrong With This Picture?
Hikari giggled softly, camera aimed and ready from her hidden spot in the closet.
"Moku-kun," Horus gasped, "D-Don't stop."
Inside the closet Hikari's eyes widened and a perverted grin spread across her face. They were really--
"Sora!" Kairi called with a frown on her face. She yanked the book out of the dark haired teen's hands. "We're supposed to be working on the raft, Sora!"
"I know," Sora replied, "but can you blame me? It was getting to the good part where Moku and Horus--"
"Sora Hikari!" Kairi snapped and Sora's eyebrows rose.
"What? Are you embarrassed?" Sora questioned, a light smirk playing at his lips. "It's just a little--"
"I'm burning this."
"Burning--" Sora cried. "Fuck no, Kairi!" He lept to his feet, eyes narrowing. "Listen; I'm helping with this fucking raft, I want out, but don't think for a minute I'll let you burning my books slide!"
"This is disgusting!" Kairi scowled.
"Disgusting?" Sora snorted. "Oh yes, the coupling of two people happily in love is most certainly disgusting; forgive me for thinking otherwise, Princess." He bowed with a mocking sneer on his lips.
"ARGH!" Kairi screeched, throwing her hands up in the air.
"Is he at it again?"
"Riku!" Kairi whirled around, smile on her face. Behind her Sora fake-gagged, mouthing 'Slut' to Riku while mimicking sticking his finger down his throat. Riku in response rolled his eyes at Sora's antics.
"Kairi, I've told you, you have to ignore him," Riku said to the red head placatingly. "He only does this to rile you up. You know he love's you."
"Yes Kairi!" Sora cried out, a grin on his face. "I love you so much that I can't bare to keep you away so I purposefully draw your attention to me with smutty guy on guy stories because really I want you to come and make sweet hot passionate love right here on the beach!"
"Sora..." Riku chuckled and after a second Kairi joined in. She couldn't stay mad at him for long, not when he made jokes like that.
"So...we good?" Sora asked once his two friends stopped chuckling.
"We're good," Kairi said, giving him a slightly small smile.
"Great! Can I have my book back now oh lovely young maiden?" Sora pointedly stared at the book in her hands.
"No," Kairi stated.
"Bu-But--"
"After you get these for the raft," she handed him a simple list with a small grin.
Eyes narrowing slightly Sora snatched the list and read through it. As he read his eyebrows rose higher and higher before he finally asked.
"What the fuck do we need mushrooms, coconuts, and a seagull egg for?!"
"I'm hungry."
"You're crazy."
"GO!"
"Yes ma'am!"
Sora raced off and Riku blinked slightly before shaking his head.
"You're the only one who can really control him," he said to her. "Tell me your secret?"
Kairi just smirked slightly and said, "No."
"Damn it!"
"You can jump me whenever you want, Riku! You don't have to blackmail me into it, you know!"
"SHUT UP SORA!"
"I wonder what other world's are out there," Kairi said softly, staring up at the sky.
"Tons and tons, Kairi," Sora stated, his eyes calmly picking out several constellations.
"How do you know for sure, Sora?" Riku questioned.
"Kairi appeared on the beach; naked," Sora stated.
"SORA!" Kairi squeaked.
"What? It's true!" Sora turned to look in her direction, eyebrows raised.
"Don't make me hurt you!" Kairi growled.
"By doing what?"
"Ripping out your earrings."
"Bitch."
"Asshole."
"Slut."
"Manwhore."
"Will you two stop it?!" Riku groaned.
"Why?" Sora and Kairi asked together.
"Who care's if you showed up naked on the beach, Kairi!" Riku scowled. "Who care's if Kairi rips out your earrings, Sora? It doesn't matter--"
"Riku," Sora said slowly, eyes narrowed alongside Kairi's.
"Um...yes?"
"Run," Kairi finished simply and both she and Sora lept off the branch.
"OH SHIT!" Riku yelped and began running.
"GET BACK HERE YOU INCONSIDERATE--!" Kairi screeched.
"I'M GOING TO SHOVE YOUR DAMN SWORD UP YOUR ASS YOU STUPID--!" Sora yelled.
'God why me?' Riku thought pitifully as he quickly got into his boat, untied it, and began to furiously row back to the mainland. Kairi and Sora were hot on his heels.
"I say we name the boat 'Sir Fucks A Lot' Riku," Sora stated before flipping a page in his book.
"Sora, that's gross!" Kairi scowled.
"You can't be serious!" Riku blanched.
"I'm totally serious; when have I ever not been serious?" Sora asked.
"Sora..."
"It's 'Sir Fucks A Lot' Riku or nothing."
"DIE MANWHORE!" Kairi screeched and Sora dodged her attempt to tackle him.
"Reign in your slut," Sora told Riku and Riku twitched.
"My...slut..." he said slowly.
"Yeah, you know, the red headed bitch trying to impale me with a pole?"
"DIE!" Riku roared and Sora ran.
"But you know you like her, Riku!" the brunette yelled over his shoulder. "After all whenever I come over all I hear is 'Ohh Kairi please! More! More!' I didn't realize you liked being dominated!"
"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" Riku screamed.
"I mean you could've told me! I would've gladly helped out--oh shit Kairi!" Sora came to a halt as Kairi stood before him, grinning.
"Got you," she said as Sora glanced behind him where Riku was closing in, to Kairi standing stock still in front of him.
"Uhh...bye!" he said quickly and dashed off to hide in the cave. It was his hidden alcove that the two knew about.
He also knew they wouldn't look for him there; Kairi claimed it freaky and Riku knew that the cave was his turf and filled with all kinds of secret traps Sora designed just to stop them from reaching him. The brunette cackled, settled down, and pulled out his book.
"I'll be alone for a good two hours," he surmised and started reading. Midway through the chapter he paused and said, "There goes that alone time," before yelling, "I know your there!"
"You know nothing."
"Are you a pedophile?"
"This world has been connected."
"Connected? You are a pedophile, aren't you."
"Tied to the darkness."
"Kinky pedophile..."
"Soon to be completely--what the fuck!?"
"Kinky pedophile who is a complete and utter moron," Sora stated, staring at the now strung upside down man.
"Let me down!"
"Ugly pedophile..." Sora mumbled.
"I'll kill you for this!" the man screamed and disappeared.
"..." Sora stared for a minute before shaking his head. "I'm reading too many horror stories," he mumbled and walked out of the cave.
He was assaulted by Kairi and Riku within seconds.
"You're pretty flat-chested for a fourteen year old, Kairi."
"DIE!"
Sora hummed softly on his bed, heavy rock music blaring from the stereo's as he flipped through the pages of Romeo and Juliet. The world around him was drowned out on the sounds, including his mother's yells to turn it down.
'Bitch should know by now that, that won't happen,' Sora thought, flipping the page again.
Even though he couldn't hear her he knew she was screaming at him.
'Rebellious my ass,' the teen thought after a moment. 'She should really change her rants once and a while. Spice things up.'
He also knew, by heart, what she was yelling at him too. It never changed so he didn't need to hear it to know what she was saying.
"The lady doth protest too much, methinks!" Sora yelled, turning down his music for a brief second to let his mother hear him. He flipped the volume up a second later, waiting long enough to hear his mother mumble 'why did I have to give birth to a genius who just doesn't care?' The words always made him grin.
The lightening flashing outside five seconds later quickly drew Sora's attention; wasn't it a calm night just a few seconds ago...?
"Are we going to blow up?" Sora mumbled, setting down Romeo and Juliet in favor of pushing open his window and staring outside. It wasn't raining; there were no signs of a storm at all. In fact it was only flashes of brilliant light and a fierce wind going upwards into a dark funnel like cloud. Sora would've said it was a twister but Destiny Islands didn't get those.
"Unusual...not at all weather like," he mused, paused, and then cursed. "Fuck!"
Sora jerked back from the window, scrounging around his messed up, dark room for something that could work in his favor.
'I'm friends with idiots,' the brunette thought dully before letting out a 'there you are vile light!' under his breath and snatching the flashlight. He began to pull on his shoes as the next thought raced through his head, 'They'll go to the boats and die.' He made to leave the room, but paused in favor to grab his iPod, stuffing it into a pocket on his hoodie. 'The water's too rough for those feeble things.'
He ripped open his door and raced down the stairs.
"Sora?"
"The world's ending, gotta go!" Sora yelled back and darted out the door.
'That and the raft is most certainly toast,' Sora grimaced slightly as he ran towards the beach. All of the boats were gone besides his feeble wooden one, he noted. 'Well, death, I greet thee with open arms,' the teen sighed. 'However I would greatly appreciate it if you postponed snatching my soul until after I rip Riku and new one and bash Kairi's skull in.' He snickered softly as he began to navigate the rocky waters.
"Easy Sora," he mumbled under his breath. "Screw up and you're dead. Wouldn't want that now, would we? Then again it looks like the world's ending so who fucking cares?"
'Negative thoughts: bad,' Sora twitched. Seconds later he glanced down, having felt water sloshing at his feet, and cursed.
"Shit! We sink we die," he growled, glancing at the island, gauging the distance to swim. "Man overboard, willingly into death, here I go!"
Sora stood, and without a second thought dived off the boat and into the water.
"COLD!"
"The things I do for idiots," Sora shivered, ringing out his sweater and hair. "If my iPod is destroyed Riku and Kairi are buying me an iPhone; money be damned." Figuring he no longer looked like a drowned rat Sora flicked on the flashlight.
He suddenly wished he hadn't.
"Bug like children growing from the earth," Sora said slowly. "Am I dreaming?" he pinched himself. "Dreaming ruled out. Imagination?" one of the things bit him and he cursed. "Fuck! Imaginations ruled out!" he yelped, jumping and beginning to run. "If this has to do with the creepy kinky pedophile from earlier then he's dead. Really dead! No one sends freaks of nature to bite me! NO ONE!"
Dodging, cursing, and generally getting bitten the entire time Sora darted as quickly as he could towards the shed; maybe the little buggers only existed outside.
"SAFE!" the teen gasped, slamming the door shut. He continued to gasp for breath for a few seconds until he spotted the creatures forming in the shadows of the shed. "Oh you're fucking joking," he groaned. "My life is soo screwed!"
Sora took off running up the stairs, throwing open the door and dodging the things around him. Maybe he could grab the hidden sword and bash their skulls in--
"Sora!"
Sora skidded to a halt, noting that the creatures were not on the little island off the island. It was creature free, baring the silver haired thing in front of the brunette known as Riku.
"Why it's 'Sir Fucks A Lot' Riku!" Sora cried. "Next time you want to go out in a freaking death storm, don't! I really do not wish to save your ass every goddamn--"
"Oh, c'mon Sora," Riku sighed. "It's not a death storm, it's a way to other worlds!"
Sora blinked.
"The door has opened! We can go now!"
"You're possessed, aren't you," the teen stated bluntly.
"What? No! I'm just ready to go!" Riku scowled. "I'm not afraid of the darkness!"
"The darkness is evil, vile, and wishes to consume our souls to the deepest pits of hell," Sora said slowly. "Didn't you tell me that when we were five?"
"It's not anymore!" Riku growled. "I understand that!"
"You're an idiot. Now where's your slut?"
"Kairi's not a slut! And she's here, okay?!"
"Where is 'here'?" Sora asked very slowly.
"God damn it Sora just take my fucking hand!" Riku snarled and suddenly the creepy things began to form again.
"Right...I'm not touching you; those things bite, and whatever you've contracted...I don't want it," Sora stated, backing up slowly. The things converged and surrounded Sora; Riku having entirely disappeared into the swirling mass of whatever. "Nice weird child bugs," Sora said nervously. "Go away now. Shoo."
They jumped.
"FUCK!"
It took much dodging, screaming, and whacking with a giant key, to get Sora into his little alcove where the things seemed to not wish to go. He breathed a short sigh of relief. Short because they probably would show up here soon either way.
'Next time I see Riku I'm cutting off his man tools,' Sora thought, closing his eyes and leaning against one of the cave walls. Once he regained his breath he headed further inside, only to pause upon seeing a familiar red head standing, facing a door.
"What...are you doing here?" Sora asked. "You hate this place. It's creepy. You don't like it. Ever."
Kairi turned slowly and Sora blinked.
"GAH! Zombie slut!" he yelped, staring at her face.
"Sora..." Kairi said slowly.
"Oh no," Sora shook his head, backing up. "Not you too. Stay away. I don't want what you have!"
The next thing Sora knew was Kairi slamming into him, something odd settling in his chest, Kairi disappearing, and being flung out of the cave.
'I swear if this is payback for kicking that puppy I will kill something,' was Sora's last coherent thought before darkness claimed all.
end chapter.
ONWARDS TO THE AUTHORS NOTE!
Yo! So I was bored and stuffs and then I was told of these challenges by Inumaru12 and I was like OMG! THIS IS AWESOME! IT'S CRAZY AND PSYCHOTIC AND RIGHT UP MY ALLEY!
So yeah, I decided to take up one of the challenges (right, so I have three of them in mind but I dunno if I'll write the other two challenges--Inumaru12 if you're reading this I forgot to mention those; the challenges are the Headwig and AkuSor stories; they piqued my interest, I just haven't figured out what to do with them yet...that and I'm a sucker for AkuSor)
So...this idea was born and bred and made and here it is!
Crazy ass Sora, Kairi, and Riku!
Well mostly Sora.
Sora's supposed to be this smart, gothic, punk, reading, sarcastic, blunt, flirty kid as per Inumaru12's instructions.
I liked it.
It reminds me of my Zelda story where Navi is psycho, Zelda has MPD, and Link is totally fucked up. XD Of course said story has yet to be posted; I'm waiting till I finished with Zelda arc for that.
ANYWAY! Reviews would be nice. I know many of my avid readers are wanting updates for Beautiful Lie and Strength of the Heart and Art is a Bang! but sadly those are still being annoying pains in the asses.
For more information view my profile; I have it organized now! You click the subject name and it jumps to the subject! I've even tested it to make sure it works! HTML is such a nice thing.
Um...yeah. I think that's all I need to say. So...tell me what you think?
Oh and yes Sora was quoting Shakespeare; I thought it'd be funny.
And the lovely banter between Sora and Kairi is going to be ongoing...really ongoing. I liked it. So expect whenever Sora and Kairi are around for there to be on occasion yells of "Slut!" or "Manwhore!" from either of them.
They're just expressing their love for each other in unique ways.
Brotherly-Sisterly love that is. Sora's with Leon.
"DAMN RIGHT HE IS!"
Go away Leon.
Bye!
TK
Twin Kats
(Psycho kitty baby! Oh yeah! XD)