Sorry but I had a problem while updating and I had to *delete* the original story :( ... thanks to everyone who had read and reviewed it!

A/N: aka "Musings of a King". I have changed the title because I am going to write more chapters, so "Musings of a King" is now just the title of the first part.

11/22/08 *UPDATE*: I have added something at the end of the first chapter, thanks to EHC for the tip! Please read and review!

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ADA*

1. Musings of a King

"Estel?"

No answer.

"Meleth-nin**?"

Aragorn felt the sudden touch of a hand on his chin, and he slowly turned to meet his wife's worried gaze.

"What troubles you, Estel?" Arwen asked.

"Nothing."

She did not answer. He knew she had read the lie in his eyes.

"I am just tired." He had turned away, but he could still feel her gaze upon him. If only she stopped hanging over him like some kind of rapacious bird.

So that's what I think of my wife?

It wasn't her problem. It wasn't her fault. How on Arda could she have imagined what those five innocent little words would do to him?

"We're having a baby".

Aragorn heard a faint sigh and a rustle of silk. Arwen wasn't there anymore. She must have gone to bed, alone.

Once again.

He tried to remember the precise moment when she had told him about her pregnancy. Bliss had overwhelmed him, he had hugged her, he had kissed her, he had felt happy like never before. He had always desired a child.

And he still did. There were some blessed moments in which a sort of quiet joy, more profound than intense, chased away the black clouds of his doubts. But he couldn't help feeling as if, as months had gone by, a deepening abyss had opened up behind his shoulders, separating him forever from the warmth and the safety of his life with Arwen and throwing him into an universe were everything was fear.

Orcs, trolls and swordfights he could handle; he was not so sure about this tiny little creature who would demand his love and his attentions.

How do you learn to be a father?

He heard the sound of distant footsteps in the corridor. The servants were retiring. Suddenly a sense of heavy tiredness fell over him, pervading his limbs. He felt numb. He stood up and headed for his bedchamber.

--

Arwen's eyes were closed, her breath regular. He silently laid down beside her. She stirred lightly.

What about Arwen?

If possible, pregnancy had made her even more beautiful, but she was always tired, and her mood was often shifting. She was sad more often, and he felt responsible for it. He hated himself for that.

What does she think of me?

He had not the courage to talk openly to her about his doubts. He feared she would consider him unworthy of her.

Is it really better to pretend everything is fine?

The truth was, he had never felt more fragile. And never had he felt more distant from her. It was not a physical distance. There had been times, before their marriage, when they had not seen each other for months, even years… and yet, he had always dwelled in the deepest part of her soul.

And now there was this baby she was carrying. Between Arwen and their son, or daughter, growing in her womb there was a relationship so deep, a love of a quality Aragorn did not feel able to understand fully. That was the love he was asked to have for their baby. That was the love he desperately wanted to have for their baby… and yet, even though everything that separated them was just millimeters of skin, there was no way he could reach his unborn child.

Does my baby even know I exist?

Almost unconsciously, he gently laid his hand on Arwen's belly. And then he felt it. The tiniest "thud". He gasped. Arwen stirred again, and woke up. She looked at his face, then at his hand. She smiled.

"Arwen, it –" he was breathless. Arwen's eyes were sparkling with a light that was almost dazzling.

"Our child is kicking," she said. "It wants to greet its father."

Aragorn's hand was still placed on her belly. Another "thud". To his ears, it had the sound of glory.

---

He was speechless for some minutes. His breath had fastened in overexcitement, his face had relaxed into a smile for the first time in weeks.

The tangled labyrinth of his thoughts had dissolved, its impenetrable walls had been breached by those feeble hits whose sound seemed now to fill the room and his own heart, penetrating to the depths of his innermost soul and nourishing it with a delight he had never known.

He pulled Arwen into a tight embrace, as if everything he felt for her now, this strange mixture of love, remorse and need for forgiveness could be transmitted to her through his arms. She laughed, and the crystalline sound of her voice vibrated through his spirit.

Then he talked to her, and every word he said, every part of his torment he shared with her was a rush of fresh air into his chest. He talked and she listened for minutes, hours, or maybe years.

"Goheno nin***, Arwen." he repeated. "You have given up your world for me, and I am so preoccupied with myself that-"

Arwen placed a finger on his lips and kissed his cheek.

"Avaro naeth****, Estel. You don't have to explain me anything. I only need you to be by my side… by our side. And I know you are." she stopped for a moment. "Just as I am always with you." she slowly passed her fingers on the pendant he wore around his neck.

"I love you, Arwen". he said. "Both of you."

"This is why I know you will be a good father."

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It was almost dawn, but he was still awake, holding his sleeping wife into his arms, an ineffable tenderness on his face. He did not know yet if he was ready to be a father. But now he was not alone.

I thank you, Eru. Thanks for them.

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* "Father", "Dad" in Sindarin

** "my love"

*** "forgive me"

**** "Don't worry"