Title: Perceptions of Guilt
Author: loonie_lupin
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Characters/Pairing: Hotch/Reid (friendship/pre-slash: he's still married)
Spoiler: Up to the beginning of season 2, tag to Aftermath (ep.5)
Rating: FRT
Summary: After Elle's accusations, Reid is worried about Hotch. And determined not to make the same mistake twice.
Disclaimer: The characters and settings are not mine but the property of their creators.

Perceptions of Guilt

The whole situation was bad, Reid thought morosely. Extremely bad. Elle had killed their suspect; of course, everyone knew he was the unsub, but that didn't change the fact that she shouldn't have gone looking for him, looking to confront him, nor the fact that she had killed him, supposedly in self-defense. Even though no one would be able to prove that it wasn't the case, the foundation for the claim was shaky at best.

That, however, wasn't what bothered Reid the most. No, what he really couldn't digest was what she said when they released Lee, what she said to Hotch. When he had heard the words, he couldn't believe it. Gideon had reacted immediately, ushering the woman in his improvised office, but it was already too late: the words had already struck right where she had wanted them to. Hotch may not have seemed to react at all but Reid still had been able to catch the flicker of hurt in his eyes and the young man knew at that moment that he actually believed her, that he thought that it had been his fault.

He liked Elle. Very much so. Don't get him wrong, as a member of the team, she had quickly become family to Reid. But in that one moment, he had hated her. Why did she have to pinpoint Hotch as the culpable? Why not the one who had decided that letting an agent alone when their unsub knew all about them was a good idea? Why not anyone except the one person who already felt the weight of his own guilt crushing him? Why not him, Reid?

He had failed Elle, horribly. He had failed to tell someone, anyone, that she wasn't as okay as she said she was, that she wasn't ready to come back to work like nothing had happened. He had known, though, of course he had. If she had been really alright, she wouldn't have been drinking alone in his room when they still were in the middle of their case. Yet, he hadn't told anyone about it and, now, she had taken a life. No one would regret Lee, no, but that didn't mean she had done the right thing. And Reid know he could have prevented it by telling either Hotch or Gideon, hell even Morgan, about what he had seen, about the observations he had made in his head. But they didn't profile each other and it would have felt like betraying Elle. In the end, maybe betraying her would have been better than the alternative.

He had failed Elle, but he couldn't afford to fail Hotch.

That was the one reason he was presently standing, very uncomfortably, in front of his supervisor's door, in the middle of the night. They were supposed to fly home come morning. They could have actually done it that night but Hotch had wanted to give the team some time to rest before it happened so they were still in their hotel.

Reid was a bit shifty; he didn't know if his concern would be really welcomed but he knew he had to try anyway. So there he was, hoping that Hotch hadn't gone to sleep yet. Of course, knowing the other man, it would surprise him quite a lot if it was the case.

He knocked on the door, hard enough to be heard but lightly enough so that if the man was really asleep, he wouldn't be woken up. Reid knew that it was something that could be used as an excuse if Hotch didn't want to answer, but he was taken a chance. And it apparently paid off because it wasn't long before his boss answered.

Reid shifted uncomfortably from one foot to another, realizing the awkwardness of the situations. There he was, in the middle of the night, in front of his boss who was wearing a t-shirt and sweatpants instead of his usual suit, when he, himself, was still clothed like he had been during the day. It was hardly the first time he saw Hotch like that, they had had their fair share of shared hotel room, but for some reason it just seemed strange that day. Maybe because of the reason he was coming to talk to him? Maybe because seeing him like that kind of erased the barrier between superior and subordinate?

"Reid?" Hotch asked, a slightly questioning look in his eyes. "What's going on?"

"Can I come in?" Reid ventured, because that was probably going to be awkward enough without having to stay on the doorstep.

Hotch blinked and, realizing what he meant, erased himself from the entrance, allowing Reid to know it was alright for him to enter the room. While the older man went to sit at the edge of the bed, Reid closed the door behind himself and took a chair to sit down in front of Hotch. He knew he was fidgeting, but he couldn't stop, especially not when Hotch looked at him like that, expectantly. How could anyone look so commanding in sweatpants?

"What can I do for you, Reid?" Hotch asked and Reid knew that he was most certainly thinking that Reid had a problem he needed to talk about with someone, maybe asking for advice; it wouldn't have been the first time.

He would never suspect that his younger coworker was there out of concern for him personally. It probably wasn't going to be easy to have that conversation.

"Nothing. I. I wanted to see if you were alright," Reid admitted, unable to look in his eyes.

Hotch frowned and Reid knew that he certainly wasn't going to answer the question truthfully; he wasn't going to allow himself to.

"I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?"

And that was his mistake. He should have stopped after 'fine' and not tried to justify himself. For Reid, it was a clear sign that something was wrong. And, of course, it dared Reid to find a cause to a potential problem.

"Because of what Elle said. You know that she was being unfair, Hotch, and wrong. You aren't responsible for what happened to her."

He knew that he wasn't saying the right thing, that he was probably being too direct, but he had always had problems with human interactions; no matter how much he could analyze their behavior, he couldn't deal with their emotions. How to talk to people had never been his strongest suit but he could do it; he didn't have a choice. If he wanted to make sure that Hotch wasn't going to follow the same path as Elle, or as Gideon just after Boston, he had to. Before it was already too late.

"Wasn't it? I should never have sent her home alone."

"But you didn't," Reid said forcefully.

And it was the unadulterated truth; he had not sent her home alone. He had sent her home with an FBI agent. She was supposed to be protected; it wasn't Hotch's fault if the man hadn't been aware of the right procedure.

"You sent her home with an escort. You couldn't know that he wasn't going to respect the standard protocol. That one isn't on you."

"I still made the decision to send her home. What happened to her is a direct consequence of that choice. Therefore it means she's right; I'm to blame for it."

Reid knew that no matter what he said about the fact that he had done the right thing, to make him see that it wasn't anyone fault by pointing out that, it wasn't going to work. Hotch wasn't thinking rationally if he tried to reason that way with him. Thankfully, he was a profiled and knew enough about psychology to be able to do it another way. And if he had to manipulate Hotch a little bit, then he would to it. He wasn't above using his knowledge to get his way.

He looked down at his hands and bit his lip. Now was the time to see if he was a good enough actor to get Hotch to believe he believed what he was saying.

"I'm sorry," he began in a quivering voice, barely above a whisper, his shoulders slumping in defeat.

Hotch frowned. He didn't understand what was going to in Reid's mind and, while it wasn't all that strange, he usually had at least an inkling to what he was talking about. On this one, though, he really didn't know how Reid had gone from trying to cheer him up to defeated in the space of one sentence. Was it something he said?

"I shouldn't have told my mom all these things about us, about our job. If I hadn't, none of this would have happened. The Fisherking wouldn't have dragged us in his game, Elle wouldn't have been shot. God, I'm sorry Hotch, I didn't mean for any of this to happen."

Reid didn't dare looking up, as if afraid of the fact that Hotch would agree with him. Of course, he was certain it wouldn't be the case but he wasn't stupid enough to think that he could fool Hotch if he looked at him.

Hotch, for his part, was speechless. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. Reid couldn't really believe that it was his fault, could he?

"Reid, there was no way you could have known this was going to happen. You wrote about us to your mom, yes, but it's normal. She has a right to know about your life. You couldn't have known that someone was going to take what she said about it to create his own twisted little game."

"No, I couldn't," Reid admitted, finally looking up into his boss' eyes. "Neither could you."

"That was devious," Hotch reproached, annoyed about having been fooled.

He sighed, closing his eyes and leaning back on his hands. He felt emotionally drained and his mask was beginning to slip.

"It's not the same," he tried but it sounded weak even to his own ears.

"It's exactly the same. Hotch, you're human. We can't expect you to know everything, especially not about what was going to happen. You can't expect that from yourself. You're not more responsible of what happened than me for having told my mom everything, than Gideon for deliberately antagonizing the unsub with that press conference, than the agent who didn't stay with Elle to protect her, than Elle for failing to check it there was any danger. This guy knew that JJ used to collect butterfly, of course he knew where she lived!"

Reid shut up after his outbursts. He had rarely been as assertive as that with Hotch and, if he was, it was usually related to a professional matter, not a personal one.

He calmed down and got up to sit down again, beside Hotch on the bed that time. Taking a chance, he reached to grip one of his boss' hand in his own, holding it lightly enough so that Hotch could shake him off without force if he wanted to.

"You can't blame yourself for everything that goes wrong. It will drive you crazy. I. I didn't say anything when I knew that Elle wasn't alright and look how it ended up. I won't do the same mistake with you. You're not responsible and I won't stop saying it until you believe it."

Hotch could hear the conviction behind the words. Still, he didn't look at Reid, preferring to keep his eyes fixed on the slander hand that was holding his own. He interlaced his fingers with Reid's, happy for the comfort he would never admit he needed and bit his lips. He shook his head slightly.

"I know that. Intellectually, I know that I didn't do anything, that I acted like anyone would have. I know it wasn't my fault if Elle was shot. It's just not so easy… emotionally. And…"

He stopped, not able to finish his sentence. He didn't need to. Reid understood what he wanted to say.

"And hearing her say it hurts you," he finished for him. "She was lashing out. She was angry that he got out, even more so because she knew it was because she didn't wait like she was supposed to, and she lashed out at you. But, even knowing that, it doesn't make it hurt less. God…"

He stopped his babbling and, throwing caution to the wind, turned to hug Hotch. The older man tensed at first, then relaxed and allowed his chin to rest of Reid's shoulder for a few seconds, soaking in the warm and comfort freely offered, but didn't take too long to compose himself and back off.

"Thanks Reid," Hotch said, meaning it.

Reid smiled a little, blushing softly, and nodded.

"I should go," he remarked, knowing that staying any longer would be overstaying his welcome.

Hotch nodded.

"Alright, I will see you tomorrow… Or later today," he conceded.

"Yeah. Goodnight, Hotch," he wished when he was on the threshold.

"Goodnight," Hotch answered back.

When Reid went back to his room, he felt a little bit better. He knew that everything wasn't alright, not by a long shot. Elle was going to be reviewed and, while it was most likely that she was going to be cleared, it didn't mean that everything was going to go back like it was before. Not when Hotch knew it wasn't self-defense, no matter the fact that he couldn't prove it. But, at least, now he knew that Hotch wasn't going to break, not because of that, and that was the most important thing.

Because, if Hotch did break, then there would be no team anymore. He was their rock, the foundation of the team. All of them relied on him and, if he wasn't able to support them anymore, they wouldn't be able to go on.

What happened today proved to Reid that Hotch was as human as the rest of them, that he couldn't bear the weight of all their mistakes and troubles without any help but that, sometimes, he needed someone to do the same for him. And Reid would be there when the pressure became too strong. He would do it. For Hotch. For the team. For himself.