A/N: I need a bit of a mental break from the stories I've been working on lately, so I've been listening to music and just letting ideas float around in my head. This is one that stuck and wouldn't go away, so I figured I'd put it out there and see what you all think. For right now, it's just a one-shot, but there is always the possibility that I may add to it if it gets a good response and I come up with something else to write.
In terms of the timeline, this piece picks up after 5.07 - I haven't seen 5.08 yet, so I'll just be ignoring whatever might have happened in that episode.
Disclaimer: Nope, I do not own CSI: NY. If I did, that definitely would have been Stella kissing Flack in 5.07. I also don't own and claim no rights to the inspiration for this piece - Reba McEntire's song, "What If It's You".
Stella stared at the blank page in front of her, her pen frozen in her hand. She wasn't sure what to write; hell, she wasn't even sure she should be writing anything. A near-death experience makes you want to say things, though…things she knew she couldn't say aloud…not to his face, anyway.
Sighing, she quickly wrote the day's date in the upper right-hand corner of the page. There, she thought. So far, so good. Putting the pen down, she contemplated exactly how to say what she would want him to know, if the time ever came for him to read this letter. Glancing across to her bookcase, she smiled as her eyes settled on a picture of them taken several years earlier at the department's holiday party. Their smiles shone brightly, their eyes dancing with happiness and she couldn't help but wonder what could have been if she'd just taken the risk then, before it was too late.
Feeling a brief rush of courage as she tore her thoughts away from the memory, she quickly picked up her pen and began to write…
I've got something to tell you that I just can't say,
So I'm writing it down in case maybe someday
Our lives take the turn down a road we can't see right now
Although she meant every word that appeared on the page – and on some level, she did want him to know – this was not a letter she ever wanted him to see. No, these were words he would read only if her life took a turn she hoped would never come. She'd never understood why people wrote letters like these, even when they worked in the riskiest of jobs. That afternoon, though, standing by and watching a young widow's face as she'd read her late husband's words, Stella's perspective changed just enough to motivate her to return to her apartment and attempt to write one herself.
I know you're happy, and I'm happy for you
But since you found each other, I've been so confused
'Cause I believe there's one soul on this earth that was meant for mine
I was sent here to find
Stella paused to wipe a tear from her eye. She'd never really considered her feelings until he'd gone public with his relationship with Jess a few months earlier. She couldn't deny that they seemed happy together, and in a way, it did make her happy to see him smiling again. Unlike his past girlfriends, she knew Jess would at least understand him, understand the pressures of his job. At the same time, though, it was perhaps precisely because they seemed to Stella to be such a natural fit that their relationship ignited a spark in her that she hadn't known she'd been ignoring. Certainly, she'd had many moments when she'd considered the possibility, but her logical side was usually quite good at pushing those thoughts back into the recesses of her mind. It would be too complicated, too messy, too difficult. If it were meant to be, it wouldn't be that way…wouldn't it?
What if it's you? What if our hearts were meant to be one?
What'll I do, knowing that I'll never love anyone as much as I do love you?
What if it's true? What if it's you?
She wasn't sure where that little four-letter word came from, but it seemed to flow from her pen. As she stared at it, she realized that maybe it was true…maybe she really did love him. If it were true – if it wasn't just the adrenaline and emotion talking – well, what was she supposed to do then?
If destiny called and I missed my cue
Do I get one more chance? Oh, how I wish I knew
I'll never again put my heart in the hands of fate
If it's too late
It was that chance that was killing her; the thought that maybe she'd overlooked the signs and passed right by the man she was meant to be with. She'd waited, letting the ridiculousness of fate take the lead, and she'd lost. Although she couldn't imagine herself ever feeling the same way with anyone else, if it were to happen, she was certain that that was one mistake she never intended to make again.
What if it's you? What if our hearts were meant to be one?
And what'll I do, knowing that I'll never love anyone as much as I do love you?
What if it's true? What if it's you?
She knew the questions were going to drive her insane if she pondered them for too long. That was another reason for writing them down, to put them out of her mind. She laughed dryly as she thought of how proud the department's therapist would be, especially after all the sessions Stella had spent complaining about the pointlessness of all those writing exercises.
If I ever hold you, I'll never let go
But if I never do, how I will know?
Stella had no doubt that Jess would take good care of him, but would she know what she had? When she held him, would she know how lucky she was? Of that, Stella wasn't quite as certain. She would have known, she wouldn't have taken a single second for granted, but now she would probably never get the chance. Signing her name to the bottom of the page while she bit back a few more tears, Stella slowly folded it and tucked her feelings away inside a plain white envelope.
What if it's you? What if our hearts were meant to be one?
And what'll I do, knowing that I'll never love anyone as much as I do love you?
What if it's true? What if it's you?