Dishes… once again…

Day after day, night after night, I soak my mouthed hands in hot, soapy water. The daily routine.

It's the same thing every day: wake up, make breakfast for everyone else, do laundry, clean the place, make dinner, do the dishes, then do my own thing… at least I have a LITTLE time to myself.

Having OCD, living in a large house full of stinky men and maybe a woman, and being the only one who cares about the state of our place is not a good combination. And, as such, I clean. I clean everything from Kisame's smelly bathroom to Hidan's bloody bedroom to vaccuuming the couch covered in crumbs and gross stains that came from I don't know where. I probably don't want to know.

And everyone else pokes fun at me for wanting to make sure everything is in good condition.

For all they care, they could let their bathrooms soak in slimy grime. The kitchen could thrive in billions of species of bacteria on the counter tops. The living room could have dirty underwear strewn about, some unknown substance smeared on the television, and the dining room unrecognizable. Flies zooming in and out, through one ear and out the other.

Disgusting.

I used to be able to handle the stress… when Sasori Danna was around. He's not anymore… three weeks ago he passed away, so suddenly. He was supposed to be so perfect, to live as long as a puppet was supposed to… his life was taken from his beautiful body, and I hardly got a chance to say goodbye.

Sasori was my meaning. My Akatsuki partner. He was the reason I got up every morning. The reason why I stuck through everyone else's shit and cared for others, even though they called me the nastiest names imaginable. To have my reason taken away from me like that…

I'd kill myself if not for my art. It was my art alone that's kept my chest beating. If I didn't even have that… I don't know what I would do.

Every day, as I keep to myself and work on the mansion we call the main hideout, I remember him. I think of us when we were alone. When we were on missions. When we were happy. I long to hold him just one more time. Just to see his smile just once more…

"SENPAI-I-I!!"

Oh, I forgot to mention… Sasori's replacement is a twit wearing a stupid orange mask named Tobi. Which makes everything a million times worse.

"Tobi, go away, un."

"But Deidara-senpai, Itachi-san called me stupid!"

"Go away, I said."

I hate dealing with Tobi's shit, much less having it deal with Itachi. I hate his guts, too.

"B-But Senpai!"

I turn around with a pissed look on my face. It was enough to make Tobi turn around and flee, tail between legs. I just earned myself five more minutes of silence… and then it'll start up all over again.

I sigh in relief as I set the last plate to dry. Pulling the plug, I watch the greasy suds spin down the sink, spinning faster and faster until there was no more. Then I dry my pruny fingers and head for my room, deciding to take a walk to a special place I like to visit at least once every other day or so.

I hadn't run into Tobi yet, thankfully. Yet. So, naturally, I hurry and get myself ready for a walk that will surely turn into a nighttime stroll.

The air is so crisp… so clean, and so clear, it almost seems to have a flavor. It seems to clear up your mind, you know? Some time alone can do one good.

My feet make soft crunchings as I step through the newly fallen leaves. It was October, and autumn was leaving its earthy footprints. That was just as well – it marked the leaving of summer, which is now my least favorite season. It used to be my favorite. Summer and spring, because they marked the making and celebration of life.

My eyes catch a glimpse of my arm. It's riddled in scars… freshly marked, having just healed. Unfortunately, I'd taken a liking to staining my arm with sharp points… ever since… well, it should be self-explanatory. It makes me feel a little like Hidan.

I set foot on top of the hill I was climbing. Reaching over the breadth of the hill was a massive oak tree, with its trunk having a circumference larger than ten arm lengths banded together.

After scanning the gorgeous landscape, I settle down at the foot of the oak. This spot… this very spot was Sasori's favorite spot. This tree was his favorite, because it was so big and has stood the test of time. It must have been over hundreds of years old, and it was still growing. I close my eyes and press my cheek against the gnarled bark, suppressing a tear.

"Sasori…"

And I couldn't hold it back any longer. I burst into tears, curling up into a heap, the tree's arms sheltering me from all else.

---

Hours later I wake, the night having fallen a long time ago. The full moon is hanging high in the sky, dimly illuminating the forest. I feel exhausted, despite the fact I had just slept. It's a little while yet before I'll move from that spot.

When I finally do move, I move slowly. My over-used joints ache from being out in the cold and being immobile for so long… judging by the position of the moon, I'd say it was almost midnight. Lately night had fallen around five, so I'd been out for a long while.

Then I freeze. I could have sworn I heard a rustling. My eyes, still bleary from slumber, scan the direction I heard the sound. I see nothing, nor hear anything more, so I resume getting up.

The moon's soft rays wash over the hill, covered in grass where the roots did not. The grass felt so nice under bare feet… it was one of many reasons why Sasori loved it here. I sniffle, thinking of him again.

Next thing I know, something slams me against the tree, something heavy and strong. Something that towers over me – breathing­ on me. A large, rough hand covers my mouth, to stifle any shouts. I struggle as best I could, but in my confusion from having just woken up and barely able to see anything, my attempts were futile.

"Stop struggling."

And then I stop. Not because I was told to, but because of who spoke. A small whimper escapes my throat, and I close my eyes, almost falling completely limp.

"You promise to not scream if I drop my hand?"

I nod slowly. Out here nobody would hear me, so why try? I wait patiently, and he finally drops his hand.

"Kakuzu? What the hell are you doing, un?"

"Be careful, or you'll get yourself killed…"

"Kakuzu, I want to know what the hell you're doing!"

"You'll see soon enough." He presses his huge body against mine, making it obvious what he wants from me. I can feel it through his clothing.

"How long have you been there, Kakuzu-s-san?" I wasn't sure if I should use 'san,' or 'teme.' If I used the second, I would have gotten an arm lopped off. Then I would have to find some way to kill myself. But even now, how was I to survive through this?

"It doesn't matter." His clumsy hand – the one that had covered my mouth - starts fumbling, attempting to pull off my pants. I squeak in protest, trying to keep them on as much as I could. Thankfully I wore my tight pair…

"Dammit." He mutters under his breath. Then I see his eyes, his emerald green eyes flashing so dangerously. He sported no headband or mask. I could feel hair tickling my face – thick, and smelling rather musky. Masculine. His breath was about the same. At least he brushed his teeth.

"K-Kakuzu, please, don't do this to me, un…" I whimper again, tears starting to fall. No, I didn't want this to happen to me again. It'd happened a couple times before I joined Akatsuki, and I didn't want it to happen again.

"Shut up, Blondie." He growls harshly, pressing against me very forcefully. I cry out in discomfort, the tree bark digging into my back.

He finally gets the pants off, throwing them aside. I try going for my pants, but then he throws aside my shirt just as easily. Now I'm as exposed as any man alive could possibly be.

Kakuzu's rough fingers run over my skin, the feeling rather unpleasant. His hands were cold and almost scaly, possibly from working. I try as hard as I could to press myself against the tree, to get as far away from his hand as possible. I protest one more time, pleading this time.

"Please, Kakuzu-san, just let me go! Please!" My eyes were running like rivers now, my face damp with tears. I fight back as much as I can, as much as Kakuzu would allow.

All I end up getting is pinned to the tree, threads binding my ankles and wrists.

He grabs my face in his other hand and twists my head so my cheek is grinding against the bark. I freeze and stop struggling immediately, hissing in distaste from the texture of the tree's skin against mine.

"Look, Deidara… if you stop struggling, then this will last… maybe a few minutes. Maybe. Bit if you keep fighting, I'll be forced to take extreme measures to make you stop. You forget that I can take those arms back just as easily as I had taken them…"

That makes me stop.

"…fine, Kuzu."

"Kuzu, is it? Well, we'lll see…"

He picks me up and lifts my legs to rest on either side of him. He positions me to what's comfortable for him, at an angle comfortable for him, and so he could see everything he was doing. He murmurs something about my light weight under his breath, which makes my lip twitch.

Then threads snake away from my ankles, but stay at my wrists, and then proceed… to wrap around my cock. They start moving wildly, squeezing and pumping and just driving me insane. So not only is he going to rape me, he's going to force me to like it? Fuck no, I won't give him what he wants. Just because he can manipulate me doesn't mean I have to enjoy it.

I glare at him as he positions himself. My lip twitches again, involuntarily. I think he saw, because he pulls on my hair and tells me to stop it. I scoff, then cry in pain as he shoves himself up my ass.

The excruciating pain… I'd received it like this only twice before, but never on a level like this. Kakuzu must be huge to make it hurt this much…

Immediately he pushes in as far as he could go, then back out, then back in, all in the same repeating movement – and not slowly, either. It hurts so much it makes me claw at my own palms, drawing blood, bringing more tears to my eyes. I bite back my tongue, though, and I keep my insults to myself.

The threads keep themselves busy with my cock, moving violently. The end of one even teases the tiny hole that's located at the tip of every man, threatening to go inside. I shake my head, silently begging him not to. Things were meant to come out of there, not go in.

He chuckles and sinks the thread in anyway.

I scream as loudly as I can. My voice echoes throughout the whole forest. It's not so much the pain that makes me cry out, it's wanting to be discovered.

"Damn it all, Deidara, shut your fucking mouth!" His hand covers mine again, and I try to gnaw at one of his fingers. No success.

So I have to endure this torture for who knows how long. His thrusting is too much, the threads are too much, everything… I can't take it anymore.

I wait for him to release, which happens a few moments later. Then I force myself to NOT come, to NOT give him what he wanted. The day I let him get the satisfaction is the day Sasori… never mind.

He drops me, and I fall into a heap at the foot of the tree.

And then… silence. He'd left as quickly as he came, and left me to deal with the mess.

To deal with it…

The very same spot that had become my sanctuary had become my nightmare.

---

I finally make it back to the hideout. I open the door just as the grandfather clock strikes three. Had I been out there that long? I must have been.

I drag myself to my bedroom. Up the stairs… down the hallway… and through the door.

I bothered to only pull on my pants. I could care less about anything else; I left them out there. I wouldn't need them any longer.

I lock the bedroom door and I crawl into bed, hugging my pillow. It didn't matter if I was covered in blood and dirt… it wouldn't matter in the end. Nothing mattered anymore. Sasori wasn't there to hold me, and the people I were supposed to trust had broken me.

I lay there for a little while. Then I sit up and head for my bathroom, to search through the medicine cabinet. I found several bottles of different kinds – aspirin, Tylenol, allergy medication, sleeping aids, antidepressants... An endless list for the many needs of Akatsuki. I kept medications in my bathroom because otherwise they would be lost and forgotten, then missed once thought of.

I select a sleeping aid. A large dose, a bottle full of 60 pills, each tablet 200 mg each.

Then I grab my notebook, tear out a sheet of paper, and start writing.

I can't take it anymore. With Sasori gone and Kakuzu having broken me, I see no more point.

I can't take it.

I set it on my nightstand, grab the glass in my bathroom and fill it with water, then down half the bottle of sleeping pills.

I crawl back into bed… and cry myself dry. I cry until I go blind… until I can't stay awake any longer…

I drift into eternal sleep, with one last thought on my mind.

I'm coming, Sasori Danna.