A/N: Okaydoki, so this is my second Literati fic ever, and I hope you like it. Big kudos to my beta Edwardmyheroin118.
WARNING: Deals with self-harm and can be triggering.
Disclaimer: I don't own Gilmore Girls, if I did, Jess would never have left.

Strawberry Gashes

Chapter 1

I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel

I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real

--

She'd never thought she would do this. She had never been one to take the easy way out. Still, she was sitting there on the floor in the dimly lit bathroom, her back against the cool wall. Tears flooded her vision, but she didn't bother to brush them away. She had to though, her grandmother would be home soon, and she had to be finished by then. Picking up the towel laying at her side, she pressed it to her inner-thigh, effectively stopping the bleeding. It burnt, but she didn't flinch. She was used to it. Opening the cabinet, she took out the few bottles of hair products that stood there in order to put in the bloody towel in the far back. She rearranged the bottles so that the towel wasn't noticeable, and stood up.

She cursed the floorlenght mirror on the door, she didn't want it there anymore. When she had first moved in, she loved being able to look at herself, her whole body. Nowadays, she avoided it at all costs. She didn't want to see the red gashes of her unhappiness on her porcelain skin. Still, her eyes studied herself in the mirror. Long brown hair, lighter than it was when she was younger. The same big blue eyes, flooded over with tears. The expensive underwear set she was wearing that had Logan bought her was crimson red, and matched in color the carefully selected places on her body where she could take out her anger, misery and frustration.

She visibly flinched when she heard footsteps coming up the stairs and she quickly put on her bathrobe. The bathroom door opened and he walked in. The smile that once made her heart flutter made her sick, and she found no comfort in his blue eyes, like she used to. She longed for another smile, a crooked one. A rare one.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, her voice bitter. It had been a month since he visited, and two weeks since she'd told Logan it was over.

"I want to talk to you, Ace," he tried to convince her that he's sorry, but she didn't fall for it. She asked him to leave, and watched as he gave her a defeated look before he left.

The next day, her grandmother asked her if she'd solved everything with Logan. Like it was just a small lover's quarrel that will be solved quickly. She didn't answer, only stared down in her tea, and wondered what happened to her. She knew that he was right. Why did she change? When did she change? She felt suffocated, and left the breakfast table, ignoring the calls for her. She grabbed her car keys and started to drive. She didn't know where, didn't care.

She was in a downward spiral, had been for a long time. His words were just the tip of the iceberg. As she drove towards an undecided destination tears flooded her vision, making it hard to see the road.

Her whole life people had always wanted to fix everything. What no one realized was that she didn't want someone to 'fix' her. She only wanted someone she could talk to, someone who would accept her and the things she had done. But she had never found that comfort.

She had found a cold metal blade, and it had been introduced to the pale skin of her wrist, and later, her inner thighs.

For over a year they had been secretly meeting, until one day when a crooked smile and a pair of brown eyes found her.

--

He'd dreamed of her for the past month. Dreams that had left him aching for her, for her touch, her smile, her kiss. Seeing her stand there beside her car had felt like heaven. Even when they'd argued. She had stood there with her dyed hair and designer coat, but her eyes hadn't changed. One glance into them, and he had felt like 17 again.

He let out a string of curses when the phone rang, and ran a hand through his hair, making it even messier. He grabbed the phone next to the bed, knocking Howl to the floor in the progress.

"What?" he snapped, angry with whoever was calling for disturbing his peace.

"Jess?" Luke's worried voice was heard over the phone.

"Hey Uncle Luke," he said sarcastically. "What do you want?" He heard Luke sigh, and then he heard sirens. Wait a minute, sirens? "Where are you?" he frowned.

"I'm in Hartford, at the hospital," he paused, and Jess waited for him to continue. "It's Rory,"

Jess heard the words coming out of Luke's mouth, but they didn't made sense. "She's been in an accident or something?" he sounded bitter, but he can't help it. "I'll make sure to send her a get-well card,"

"Jess,"his tone was warning, and Jess fought the urge to hit something.

"What? You know, sorry if I'm not beside myself with worry, but I really don't see how this effects me," he was lying, and he knew it.

The next word that came out of Luke's mouth made him drop the phone. "We think she tried to kill herself,"

Jess cursed and picked up the phone. "I'll be there as soon as I can," he hung up and scrambled out of bed. He pulled on his pants, shoes and shirt in a haste, and grabbed his leather jacket of the floor. He stuffed a few T-shirts, a random sweatshirt, and two pairs of jeans into his cargo duffel bag, and for a split of a second he hesitated before he swept all the random books on his bed into it as well. His hands shook as he grabbed his car keys, and he took the stairs three at the time. As he reached downstairs, both Matt and Chris were there, and they looked up at him, frowning.

"I'm going up to Connecticut, I don't know when I'll be back," he said, and promptly walked out the front door. He didn't care what they thought at the moment, all he could think about is her.

As he drove out on the highway, he lit up a cigarette. Memories of him and Rory ran through his mind. Paying 90 dollars for a small basket just so that he could have lunch with her; discussing Ayn Rand and Ernest Hemingway; Buying ice cream, in cones, and crashing her car; their first kiss at Sookie's wedding; their first kiss as a couple; the dance marathon; the time he realized that he loved her; Kyle's party. Sweet memories mixed with bad ones, the ones he wanted to forget about. He felt like he couldn't breathe, and he took deep breaths to try to regain his breathing.

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