Title: All Lost

Author: Tearsofamiko

Rating: K

Disclaimer: Not enough pennies to buy even one agent...

Spoilers: Twilight, Judgment Day, Hiatus: I & II

Summary: He's haunted by every lost chance.

A/N: Sorry about all the on-again, off-again junk. I kept seeing really annoying errors...

The old, familiar dream comes again. It's both the same and different, after the events of recent days.

He's in the car next to them, near enough to watch their faces and read their lips. Inane conversation fills the car, everyday talk about work and school, friends and loved ones. Especially him. He sees her eyes sparkle as she regards the little girl's joy at the possibility of a phone call that night, sees the agent driving grin at the family scene around him. He sees it all, knows it as if he were there, waits for what happens next. Waits for his life to end, for his heart to break.

The crunch of broken glass echoes strangely across the busy Beltway, splintering something vital within him. Jewels of scarlet bloom on the side window as the bullet hits home and the car begins to drift. He sees the confusion on their faces, sees his heart's love realize the inevitable, sees his dearest angel grow scared. He cries out in horror, in anguish, with loss as the impact gives birth to a raging fireball. Darkness closes in as he feels his heart stop, time freezing for one aching moment of certainty.

He blinks, then winced as harsh sunlight pricks his eyes. He watches from a distance, but he knows this scene so well. He sees her mad dive, watches her land heavily, even as everyone else moves into action. He can't hear what is said as she rose unsteadily, relying on helping hands, but he remembers. And that is enough. He remembers and it hurts, even as time slows and he sees with perfect detail.

A single instant drags out into forever. He sees her beautiful smile, sees the grin on DiNozzo's face, remembers the relief he'd felt because she was okay. That relief soon shatters, never to mend. Even so agonizingly slow, he doesn't see the bullet coming. He only sees what he'd seen then: the hole that appears out of nowhere in her forehead, the sudden blankness within her eyes. As a viewer in this, he feels Tony's shock, feels the touch of warm blood on his face as she slowly falls. He shouts in anger, in grief, in shock as she hits the roof. Darkness closes in again as he feels his heart stop, time freezing for one aching moment of certainty.

Dread closes over his heart as he blinks, trying to adjust his eyes to the gloom. He sees her slide the clip into her gun and stand. She smoothes a hand over her hair as she paces the length of the diner, her heels clicking on the worn linoleum. He watches as she responds to something Franks said, sees the sad smile in her eyes and he knows what will happen. His hands fist at his sides, wishing for a gun or an adversary. This one he can fix, this he can protect her from. This once, he will make the difference that will save her. He's ready, he thinks, adrenaline pumping as he waits along with them.

It's over before he can move.

He hears the windows break first, hears the crunch of broken glass like an echo of a different time. He sees several bullets go wide, sees them imbed themselves in inanimate objects. But not all of them miss and he sees her jerk even as he sees the men rush in. She fights back with all the spirit he knows so well, but bullets are no match for flesh and fire. He feels each bullet as it strikes, feels himself collapsing as his heart shatters again. He calls her name in pain, in disbelief, with desperation as she falls, her life spilling out as she gasps his name. Darkness closes in once more as he feels his heart stop, time freezing for one aching moment of certainty.

The cold empty plane he finds himself on is his punishment. He's absolutely alone, will stay that way forever. He deserves it, he thinks, but he fights against it. He runs with no destination in mind, their names shredding his soul as he calls for them. He stumbles and falls endlessly through the air before...

...awakening suddenly, gasping for breath, their names hovering on his lips. Instantly he's up, moving through the house in the darkness, the patterns in the floor coverings his only guide. He flings open the basement door, hears it slam against the wall, deepening the dent made by so many nights of similar action.

The burn of bourbon in his throat, the comforting weight of his tools in his hands, he launches into the work, the clock on the wall unimportant. The steady repetitions gradually drive away the dream, letting him regain some semblance of balance.

Nothing changes, though. They're still gone, every woman he'd ever loved, every piece of his soul taken away. His first love, his heart's joy, his second-chance, his last redemption; all lost, all ripped from his grasp.

His heart cries, his soul bleeds and his dark night goes on.

'His first love' = Shannon
'His heart's joy' = Kelly
'His second-chance' = Kate
'His last redemption' = Jenny

A/N: BTW, if you need clarification, the car crash is Shannon and Kelly, the rooftop shooting is Kate, and the diner shoot-out is Jenny. It's been since May that I've seen Judgment Day, so forgive any inconsistencies or mistakes.