Painful Memories

"Let's stay here tonight, and set out for the Tower of Salvation in the morning," I say, my voice void of emotion, as usual. Strange, but I would think that now, this night just before I am to betray my constant companions of the last few months, betray… my son… even some hint of feeling would slip into my words. But here I am, acting as though tomorrow is just another ordinary day, perilous as ordinary may be for us, despite the fact that I am revealing my true self to these people I have been deceiving for so long now. It is so easy to adopt a cool-headed semblance of indifference, though even now, after so much time, the whole ridiculous reality of things makes my head spin.

Of course, my loyalties do not lie with these people. They are too pure of heart, too naïve and innocent to understand the truth. The Seraphim, my companions of old, they are to whom I am tied. We began this journey for power and indomitability together, and we shall end it together. Four thousand years is too long to throw away on some expendable humans. I learned that the hard way eighteen years ago, when I lost my final sense of humanity.

I glance over at Lloyd, so much like his mother, driven to do good no matter the cost to himself. He is becoming a fine man, but it is through no act of mine. He hasn't been my son since the slaughter of poor Anna.

I feel my face contort in pain as I picture the slender young woman reaching out to me, eyes pleading for help, yet words begging me to go. I see her rocking her child, see her plant a farewell kiss on his head, tears coursing down her cheeks.

She steps close to me. The scent of softness fills my head. "Kratos, please take him and go. They do not want him, only me. Hide yourself, you will be free. Go…" I cut her off as I embrace her, my arms around her and her child… my child. How did I let this happen? No ties to humanity, that was the rule. They punished me and stole her away, her and the boy, and now they were killing her with that stupid Angelus project. Anna's thin fingers stroke my cheek, face turned up to meet mine. I am frozen there, unable to move. I cannot lose her, I cannot lose Anna. The tears I thought dried up thousands of years before now crept down my face. "Anna," I moan. Her lips meet mine for but a second.

"Kratos, you must go."

"No, I can't leave you, I think I might die." I bury my face in her hair. "Come with me," I beg. I let out my wings and softly rise into the air a few feet, carefully enshrining Anna and the thin limbed boy in my arms.

"They will find us." Her voice is miserable, but in her eyes I see a dim ray of hope, strengthening as I answer her.

"I will keep us safe. I will not let them take you again." With that, she clutches herself to me like a child, and I take off. "I will keep you safe."

We make it no farther than the forest when everything ends. I feel Anna's hands dig into my shirt. I stop suddenly and lower myself to the ground. She stumbles from my arms. "What's wrong, Anna?" My voice is dripping with fear.

"The baby… Take the… the baby." I do so, and reach out to support her as well. She jerks back, shaking. My eyes follow her every move. Lloyd's eyes widen and he whimpers. "Shh," I chasten, and he quiets immediately.

Anna's body jerks spasmadically and her face grows pale. She moans softly, then bites her lip. Suddenly, everythings clicks into place. Exbelula!

"Anna, you need to listen to me. The exsphere is doing this to you, but we can stop it. There is a dwarf very near to here who can counter the force that is sickening you. We must hurry. Can you hold on to me just a little longer?" I see her nod, and scoop her up. It is now I who clutches to her as though I were the child, as I change direction and fly urgently to the dwarf's abode. I keep a clear mind, but my heart feels like a lead weight, filled with the fear that it is too late. When I pass the ranch, a cold laugh twists my insides. "It is too late now," hisses that voice in my ear, whether real or imagined I do not know. "Too late… you cannot save her… you killed her…" I move even faster, using every last ounce of energy hoarded in my soul.

It is too late.

I drop to the ground; Lloyd's arms squeeze my neck. Anna's body is transforming before my eyes. An inhuman cry bursts forth from her lips. "Kratos, kill me…" It is the last time she will ever say my name.

Her limbs harden and elongate; her clothing rips. Her skin toughens and is flooded with blue ridges. I stumble backward, then turn and set the child on the ground at the base of a tree. I can't let him see Anna like this; he must remember her as the perfect young woman she is. "Close your eyes, Lloyd. Close your eyes and cover your ears. Do not look, do not listen."

"Daddy," he whispers, and my insides twist.

"Please, Lloyd, just listen to me." He does as I ask, and I face her once more.

Long claws protrude from swollen fingers; neck and head have morphed into one. She towers over me, arms reaching the ground. There is nothing to be done. Once an exbelula, there is no turning back.

A long arm snakes forward and knocks me to the ground. I lay there, stunned, as she turns from me. I can barely watch her leave, but no tears pour forth this time. I think to let her go, but it is not to be. The next blow is aimed for the child. I spring to my feet and draw my sword. "Forgive me!" I shout, and plunge the blade deep into her back. She collapses without a sound.

I stare at the sword in my hand, dripping with thick, red blood. It falls onto my hands and stains my shirt. I hardly notice. I want so much to fall to my knees and hold her to me, stroke her, kiss her, but I am numb and cannot move.

Murderer. I am a murderer. It does not strike me that I have killed many times before, they do not matter, only Anna matters and Anna is no more. I ended this precious life… I stole her soul.

A rustle in the trees… a long blue and white face peers at me. It is Noishe, the dog Anna liked to call her own, though he often disappeared from our little home and roamed the woods alone. He looks at me mournfully, and begins to howl.

"Mangy beast!" I hear someone shout. I glance down the hill, and see the dwarf trudging up towards me, coming to investigate, no doubt. I stoop and kiss Anna's hand one final time. As I do, I notice the slight rise and fall of her chest. She lives! But her eyes are clouded and I know she won't be here long. "Goodbye," I whisper. I go to the tree and reach for Lloyd… but I cannot do it. I murdered Anna, his mother, poor Anna. I could not raise a child. The dwarf would find him. Even life with a dwarf would surely be better than having a murderer for a father. He is not mine. He is hers.

"I love you, Lloyd, goodbye." I let out my wings and slowly lift off the ground.

Noishe crawls out from the bushes on his belly and licks Anna's face. Giving that up, he goes to stand guard over the child. I hover just above the trees as I wait for the dwarf to arrive, when he does, he cries out in shock. He goes to Anna, his ear close to her mouth. A faint whisper catches my ears and my heart wrenches in pain. The dwarf's head turns to fall upon my – no, her son, and he gets clumsily to his feet to go to him. Lloyd's hands are pressed hard against his ears, and his eyes are still squeezed shut tight. Tears have dampened his cheeks, but he has not made a sound.

The dwarf reaches out to the boy and touches his arm; only now does he open his eyes and let his hands fall. He looks at the dwarf, then past him to the bulky blue and white form sprawled on the ground, but thankfully he does not understand. Behind him, the dog whines.

"A'right, boy, Lloyd, is it? You're gonna have to come with me." He tries to pick up Lloyd, but the boy dodges his arms.

"No," he says, voice hoarse, then louder, "No! No!" He looks around wildly. "Momma! Daddy! Daddy!!" Each cry pounds at my ears, and I push away the feeling that I am betraying him. But no, this is the only way. The dwarf tries to quieten him, to no avail. "Daddy! Momma! Daddy!" He is fairly screaming now. The boy looks up, and sees me watching him. I put a finger to my lips, urging him to be quiet, and the cries instantly break off. But Lloyd does not give up; he jumps to his feet and runs towards me, until he stands directly beneath me. He reaches up his arms, tears pouring down his cheeks, eyes wide with the comprehension that he is being abandoned nudging at the edge of his mind, but he refuses to accept it. His expression is of pure terror.

I cannot bare to watch anymore. I fly away to rot. A single tear slides down my cheek, tracing the same lines Anna's fingers did a mere hour before.

I have not cried a tear since.