Esme: So, Edward, Jacob. Please, do be human Jacob. Thankyou. Clothes would be good too…
Jacob: Oh, sorry about that.
Renesmee: That is very ok.
Edward: Get out. Renesmee, go to the movies or something. AND STOP WITH THE MENTAL IMAGES!
Jacob: You know you love them.
Edward: Um… Not so much, no.
Esme: That reminds me. Bella, you can block his thoughts now.
Bella: (from anther room) Sure, Esme. My pleasure.
Edward: Bella, please don't.
Bella: Too late. Muhaha!
Edward: I can hear you rubbing your hands together. You don't have to be so evil, you know.
Bella: Don't I?
Esme: Is this going anywhere?
Bella: Only to my domain of evilness.
Esme: That would be a no then…
Bella: (sigh) Yes, do go on with the group therapy. I'll just sit here… alone.
Esme: You do that. Anyway, so. Jacob, what annoys you about Edward?
Jacob: Well, you see. He reads my mind frequently.
Esme: And…
Jacob: Well… It makes creeping into Nessie's room at night that much more complicated.
Edward: Growl.
Esme: You don't actually say 'growl' Edward. You just growl.
Edward: (growls)
Esme: Yes… Well it seems that we have sparked something here. Edward, what was that growl for.
Edward: What do you think, Esme?
Bella: (still from the other room) Well, you wouldn't know, would you? Muhahaha!
Esme: Moving on… Edward?
Edward: He is in a 'relationship' with my daughter. It is parental instinct.
Jacob: That makes you sound old dude.
Edward: Do not call me dude.
Jacob: Would you prefer 'dudette'?
Esme: I don't understand the words that you're using, but good point Edward. Jacob, let's talk about your relationship with Renesmee.
Jacob: Hmm… well… it is a very physical relationship.
Edward: I hate you, dog.
Jacob: (Putting on some glasses and sliding them down his nose.) Yes, indeed. Let's get serious here. Before I imprinted on your one and only daughter, when she was a mere infant…
Edward: (muttering) Paedophile…
Esme: What was that Edward?
Jacob: Yes, what was that Edward deary? Oh, I know. You called me a paedophile. How old was Bella when you knocked her up? Hmm… lets see… She was eighteen. Not so bad… You were, what was it? One hundred and fifteen?
Esme: One hundred and seventeen.
Jacob: Yes, thankyou Esme. Now, discuss.
Edward: I'm sorry; I forgot that dogs could get a psychologist's degree.
Esme: Off track. Off track. Back on track. Jacob, you and Nessie.
Jacob: Before Nessie I was in love with someone else.
Edward: Yes; Bella, I know. You tried to steal her.
Jacob: No, Edward. Not Bella (suggestive wink)
Edward: Umm… I'm sorry, what?
Jacob: Before I met Nessie I was in love with someone else (suggestive eyebrow wiggle)
Edward: (backing away) Bella, I would really appreciate it if you let me read his mind right now.
Bella: …
Edward: Bella? Please, he is coming closer.
Jacob: Yes, Edward. I am. Just let me stoke your hair. Your bronze, just-out-of-bed-look tousled hair…
Edward: Bella!!
Bella: Why?
Edward: I want to…
Jacob: You want to what, Edward? You want to what?
Edward: I want to see if he is lying!
Bella: I really don't feel like it.
Edward: Please?! THIS IS A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH!
Jacob: (Approaching Edward) Come here SNOOKUMS!
They both run out of the house, Jacob chasing Edward with his arms outstretched.
Esme: That was… developmental?
Bella: (walking into the room) Don't worry Esme, you don't need words. Just the shocked silence will do.
Twenty minutes later.
Edward and Jacob walk in. Their hair is tousled, and their clothes are ripped.
Edward: He was lying.
Jacob: Come on, this wolf is too man to want to be with a man. I'm just fine with your daughter for now, snookums.
Bella: Are you sure he was lying. Cause it looks like you too got up to something… exciting.
Edward: OMG, NO!
Jacob: No need to over-react; that was just insulting.
Edward: He chased me, and then we had a fight, and then we were out of the zone and all I could hear in his head was maniacal laughter. Hence, we returned with me thoroughly frustrated.
Bella: Sure, sure.
Edward: You don't believe us?
Bella: Sure I do. I mean, of course I do.
Edward: You don't, do you?
Bella: No, not really, snookums.
Jacob: So… I am going to go 'play' with Nessie. See you both. I had a lovely time, by the way Edward (wink)
Jacob leaves.
Bella: Of course I believe you. Of course.