To My Chinese-Proverb-Loving Friend Mei Ling,

I'm in a good mood today, so I decided to write to you. My order of cigarettes finally arrived today (courtesy of the Colonel), and I'm glad to be using one right now. Don't get me wrong – nicotine gum is fine and all, but I can't just suddenly quit smoking cigs. Aren't quitting processes supposed to be taken nice and slowly, anyway? Well whatever, I'm getting off topic.

So this past week has been interesting. Some weird stuff occurred, and I couldn't help but laugh about it. For example, someone decided to deck Meta Knight in the head with a brick, and since then he's been acting like an idiot, yelling random things like "Cheese is a government conspiracy!" and "What the f—kittens! Hit him with the chair!" Yeah…weird stuff, huh? What else happened? Oh, so Falco and Sonic decided to create some new concoction in the kitchen, even though Peach told them not to do so. They're not the best cooks, so obviously the results would be bad. But get this—they caused the entire kitchen to explode! Mario had to FLUDD the whole place out just to put out the flames, and Master Hand punished the two blue idiots by putting them on cleaning duty for the next month. Sucks to be them, the bastards…

Well, I was hanging out with Pikachu the other day – he wanted me to play with him. Everything was fun and all, until I accidentally stepped on his tail. I'm sure that Pikachu was not happy with that, since he gave me the biggest shock of my life, literally – or maybe it was just an involuntary act. Nonetheless, I wasn't too happy about that, either, and I was going to make him pay for that, but the little rat was just too damn cute to hurt, so I left him alone…for now, anyway. I think Samus found out about that somehow, and she was slightly miffed at me.

Oh, speaking of Samus, I should tell you that I'm having some girl trouble these days. As I have said to Otacon before, I have a crush on Samus, but Zelda has a crush on me. Matter of fact, I just learned of a giant love ring – if that's what you can call it. It goes something like this: I like Samus, Samus likes Link, Link likes Peach, Peach likes Pit, Pit likes Sheik, Sheik likes Marth, Marth likes Ike (weird), Ike likes Zelda, and Zelda likes me. Captain Falcon, Mario, and Luigi are left somewhere on the outside. Yeah, it's chaotic; you know what I mean? Did you write all of that down? Oh, I should probably mention that I'm going to break every bone in Captain Falcon's body if he tries to hit on Samus again. What, I'm serious!

To get to my point, I have no idea what to do about the ladies. Over the past few weeks, Zelda has been flirting with me, and I've been acting friendly with her, maybe even beginning to like her a bit. However, that isn't stopping my undying crush on Samus, who has been beginning to notice me more as time goes on. But this is causing a problem: the more Samus acknowledges me, the more Zelda becomes jealous of her. I think that Samus is even becoming jealous of Zelda – but Samus likes Link, doesn't she? Or is she turning away from him and turning to me for attention?

Ugh, now this is really starting to give me a headache! Apparently Zelda and Samus have now formed a female rivalry. Samus won't even attend Peach's tea parties anymore if Zelda is anywhere near them, and Peach is rather upset by that. Not to mention that Link found about Samus' crush on him, and even he doesn't know what to do about it. We talked extensively about this last night. We're both friends and men who are very confused about love, and it seems like there is very little that both of us can do about this…I'm just hoping that this whole mess doesn't end up tearing us apart. Link is my best friend, after all, and I don't know what I would do without him. Oh, did I mention that Zelda and Samus broke out into a fully-fledged catfight today?

And so, this is why I turn to you for help and advice. You are a woman, after all. Quick, summon some Chinese proverb that can assist me! Do it now! Oh well, I'll just wait for you to reply to me about this spiel. You better write back, or I'll go insane! What? My cigarettes can only help so much. Not even my cardboard box is doing any good! Yeah, it's that bad…

Well, I look forward to hearing your response. Don't bombard me with too many Chinese proverbs, now. That will only give me a bigger headache. As for me, I'm going to go back to smoking my cigs and hiding in my box – you know, to give me time to think this over.

Many Thanks,

Solid Snake

P.S. Aww damnit! I mentioned my box! I told myself I wouldn't mention my box, but there I go again! Dumb Snake…grrr…

Author's Notes: Oh my God, there was some crazy stuff! I rather enjoyed writing this particular letter for some odd reason. That is some messed-up love ring right there, lol. Poor Snake and his box - NO! There's that box again! -slaps self- Ahem, anyway...

Well this concludes the Letters of Solid Snake. I hope you all enjoyed it, especially you Celebaby. I look forward to seeing the results of your contest. I'm glad to have participated. Thanks again, everyone! :-D

P.S. Go read "This World, Subspace, and Beyond" if you have't done so already. Pretty please??