Alone I Break, a transformers fanfic

When I'm upset, I find a way to vent. How I usually vent is by writing. These kinds of stories often turn out somewhat depressing, and I never post them for reasons that vary from story to story. This is the first time I've ever decided to submit one of these vent stories.

That being said, this is much darker than what I usually post on here. I'm not sure if I'll ever post something like this again- I guess it depends on feedback for this one. This story is the result of me listening to music while I'm upset and in the vicinity of a pen and paper. It's inspired by the song "Alone I Break" by Korn.

EDIT: I should probably also mention that the part with the shovel was added because that actually happened last week down the street from my house. Kids these days. -shakes head-

EDIT-EDIT: I copied the lyrics off a website without proof-reading them first. I looked this over the other day and realized they had a few boo-boos. Whoops. Anyway, they should be fixed now.

Neither Transformers nor the lyrics to "Alone I Break" belong to me.

Pick me up
Been bleeding too long
Right here, right now
I'll stop it some how

I will make it go away
Can't be here no more
Seems this is the only way
I will soon be gone

These feelings will be gone
These feelings will be gone

Bumblebee stood vigilant in the area by an abandoned building where Barricade's message had told him to wait. Not that far off, his leader remained hidden, just in case he was needed. It had taken a lot of persuasion to get Optimus to allow him to meet the Decepticon in an abandoned part of town.

"Bumblebee, what if it's a trap?" he had asked. "How do you know it's even safe?"

"I'm worried about him, Optimus," Bumblebee replied. "There was something off in that message he sent me. I'm scared that he might be planning something drastic." Optimus found that he couldn't say no. Bumblebee looked genuinely worried. He agreed to let him go, but only if he came along for safe measure.

And now here they were, waiting for the enemy by what appeared to be an abandoned mental sanitarium. Bumblebee turned around when he heard the sound of tires on gravel followed by an initiated transformation sequence. Just looking at Barricade confirmed Bumblebee's darkest fears.

There was not a single ounce of pride left in the Decepticon. It had all evaporated, leaving behind only fear and sadness. There was a series of dents in his left upper arm, as if someone had taken a baseball bat or some other object to the driver-side door of his police cruiser alt mode. The once bright, smooth, sheen to his armor was now dull, dinged, and scratch-laden, his entire appearance suggesting that he no longer cared about himself. What killed Bumblebee the most, however, was Barricade's optics. Looking into his optics, Bumblebee could tell there was no life left in him. It wasn't any different than staring into the optics of a cold, dead corpse. Barricade had completely given up on himself.

Now I see the times they change
Leaving doesn't seem so strange
I am hoping I can find
Where to leave my hurt behind
All this shit I seem to take
All alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?

"Barricade?" Bumblebee said.

Barricade slowly came closer. He stopped in front of Bumblebee and let out a depressed squeak. "I didn't think you would actually come."

"Why was it me that you wanted here?" he asked, sadness in his tone. "Why not someone else?"

"Because you're the only one close enough to a friend that I've got anymore," Barricade replied.

Bumblebee had nothing to say to that, for deep down, he knew it to be true. Barricade only ever had two true friends: Frenzy, and Bumblebee. Frenzy was gone, so that only left Bumblebee. He and Barricade had been friends since the Autobot was a sparkling. Barricade would always volunteer to watch him when no one else could. Eventually Bumblebee got older, and he began to hang out with Barricade because he wanted to rather than because someone told him he had to. He stuck by him through tough times, even after he learned of Barricade's involvement in a local gang. He'd even lent him money to pay off his rent during the time he'd gotten himself addicted to drugs.

It was that bond developed during their time as friends before they were split up by the War that had prevented Bumblebee from killing Barricade several months ago when he'd fought him to defend his human friends.

Shut me off
I am ready,
Heart stops
I stand alone
Can't be on my own

I will make it go away
Can't be here no more
Seems this is the only way
I will soon be gone
These feelings will be gone
These feelings will be gone

"Barricade, please don't do this," Bumblebee pleaded.

"Then you already know what I plan to do," Barricade replied.

"We can help you if you just let us-"

Barricade shook his head. "I'm beyond saving now, Autobot." Tears began to stream down Bumblebee's face. "I've already died a long time ago."

Barricade then did something unexpected- he hugged Bumblebee. He'd hugged him a few times when he was a sparkling, but other than that, his strong sense of male pride had never allowed him to hug Bumblebee when he got older. The fact that Barricade was hugging him now worried him.

"I can't live like this anymore, Bumblebee. Frenzy's dead, I'm the only Decepticon left on this planet, and I'm not even wanted on this planet to begin with. Even the ones who don't know I'm a giant robot don't want me here. Look…" He pulled away far enough for Bumblebee to see the dents in his arm. "Just yesterday, some kid hit me with a shovel."

"It's because of your alt mode! Just choose a different one and that won't happen as often!"

Barricade shook his head. "Bumblebee…"

"Don't say no one wants you here when you know that's a lie! I want you here, dammit!" Bumblebee sobbed.

Barricade leaned back into their hug. "I know you do. Which is why I wanted to say goodbye to you, because I know you'll be the only one to miss me when I'm gone." He nuzzled Bumblebee's neck reassuringly. "Frenzy's waiting for me, Bumblebee."

"Please don't do this!" Bumblebee begged. "Please!" Barricade didn't answer. He only tightened his grip. "Barricade, I love you!"

Barricade's spark fluttered a little bit when he heard those words. "I love you too."

Yet another thing male pride had prevented Barricade from ever doing or saying, though Bumblebee didn't blame him for this one. Heaven forbid two guy friends should say they love each other, no matter how true it may be, least they get labeled as "gay". The fact that he was able to admit this with ease further proved the severity of the situation.

"Goodbye Bumblebee," Barricade finally said.

Bumblebee didn't want to let go of their embrace, for doing so meant that Barricade was going to leave. But he knew he had to, and his arms slowly released the Decepticon in front of him. Barricade gave his neck one last nuzzle before letting go completely.

"I'm going to miss you. You know that, right?" Bumblebee asked in a choked up voice.

"Of course," Barricade nodded. "I want you to promise me one thing, Bumblebee. Promise me that you'll never take yourself out of this world the same cowardly way I am."

"I promise."

Bumblebee watched his friend walk away. Could this empty shell really be all that remained of the once proud Decepticon who'd been both a friend and an enemy? Barricade took one last look back at Bumblebee before transforming and driving away. Bumblebee then knew that this would be the last time he ever saw his friend alive.

He turned around and walked back to Optimus, who had since transformed. Optimus looked down at him. It killed him to see the mech he'd considered his son all this time in such a sad and depressing state. "Bumblebee?" he called the Camaro's name. Bumblebee kept walking past him. "Bumblebee?"

"I just want to go home, Optimus," Bumblebee replied.

Optimus nodded. "Alright. Let's go, then."

Am I going to leave this place?
What is it I'm running from?
Is there nothing more to come?

(Am I gonna leave this place?)
Is it always black in space?
Am I going to take its place?
Am I going to win this race?

(Am I going to win this race?)
I guess God's up in this place?
What is it that I've become?
Is there something more to come?

More to come

Bumblebee found himself unable to recharge peacefully for the next two weeks. Nearing the end of the second week, he was depressed and exhausted. He sprawled out in Sam's backyard and stared up at the stars. They almost seemed like a million eyes staring down at him, accusing him of indirectly killing Barricade by not doing anything to stop him.

His insomnia leaving him restless, he stood up and transformed, then started to drive. He didn't care where he was going, he just wanted to get away. He continued driving through the city, past the city's outskirts, and into the wasteland that was the surrounding desert. No matter how far he went, he couldn't get away from those millions of accusing eyes in the sky. He transformed back into robot mode and collapsed on the ground, sobbing into the dry dirt.

"Please leave me alone!" he begged the eyes. "I already said I'm sorry! What more do you want from me?!" He curled up into a fetal position against a rock and continued to sob. "Why won't you forgive me? I'm sorry."

"I forgive you," he heard someone whisper.

Bumblebee looked around. Where had that voice come from? It sounded like Barricade, but Barricade was already gone… No one was even there, leaving no source for the voice, and it was unusually quiet for the outdoors. He was likely going insane from the combination of guilt and sleep deprivation. Yet strangely, he didn't feel that way. His spark felt warmer and very slightly sensed another, friendlier, presence nearby. The stars suddenly didn't feel so accusing anymore, and all the guilt that had built up was slowly evaporating.

"I'm scared, Barricade," he admitted.

"Don't be," the voice continued. "I'm here now."

He felt what felt like a set of claws gently stroking his arm. Looking over at it, he noticed a thin layer of frost over his armor. While that might have frightened someone else, it strangely made him feel better. He rested his head down on the ground and turned off his optics. The stroking continued and lulled him into a sense of security. For the first time in two weeks, he fell into a peaceful recharge.

Barricade slowly turned to look back at Frenzy, who had been sitting on the rock, watching him. "We can go now, Frenzy. I just wanted to make sure he was okay, first." Frenzy nodded and jumped up onto his shoulder. He turned back to look at the Autobot and smiled. "Goodbye, Bumblebee."

Korn- Alone I Break