My computer is broke. Again. Actually, it's just that the cord broke this time. Maybe I can do better with writing all these lovey-dovey feelings now? I think I fell in love with someone. And I have no idea whether we will ever see eachother again. And whether he likes me and all that. It's really rather tormenting. :sigh:

Enjoy, reviews would be appreciated...

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It's not that it feels good. It's not that it provides any sort of "release". It's not that I like it, at all. The blade stings, and I flinch every time before it hits my skin, afraid to let it bite me. And then once it hits, I see the blood flowing out, and it hurts like a bitch. But that's only for a minute. Once I'm past the initial, instinctive "shit, that hurts". The cut starts throbbing, and then it's okay.

Then it feels good...because it hurts. I feel like I'm in the state that I'm supposed to be in. I am supposed to hurt...I am supposed to feel this. This is what I was born to do. I was born to hurt.

For just a little, while I feel like I am where I'm supposed to be. I feel...at home.

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Do you ever get in a fight or have something bad happen, and then find a way to distract yourself from the thought of whatever it was? And then when you begin to feel happy, it reoccurs to you, whatever the reason is that you should not be feeling happy. It would be absolute perfection if you could be aware of how bad the problem was, and also aware of the fact that it is not bothering you. Wouldn't that be pure bliss?

That is the feeling that I later found, when I was walking to lunch one day. It's not like it wasn't obvious what was going on, I could see the window to the door of the student council room fogging up, despite someone's lazy effort of taping a piece of paper to the window. I opened the door, anyway, and immediately smelled a peculiar, sweet yet kind of disgusting stench. I then saw Nao in one corner of the room, glaring over a few papers. Then there was the rest of the student council sitting in a semi-circle in the other corner, the source of the smoke. But that wasn't the most surprising thing.

There was stupid Yuki, the freaking "Prince", lighting up the end of the pipe and sucking in. He took a pretty long hit, before looking up, his dialating even more. He didn't try to explain or anything, he just nodded at Kakeru and pointed at me. He then released the smoke, and passed the pipe and lighter to the other chick who's always throwing chairs and shit. She didn't surprise me, but the rest of them did a little bit.

Kakeru turned around and looked at me. He moved over a bit, leaving a me-sized area to sit down. I picked up on what he was saying, they thought I just wanted to smoke with them. I guess curiosity got me. I mean, I hadn't really gotten "high" before, and I was intrigued. So, I sat down, and waited for my turn. I lit it the same way that they had, but I coughed a lot harder and couldn't hold the smoke in as long. Yuki laughed at me, as if the fact that I didn't smoke weed was some huge deal. I didn't feel anything until two turns later. My vision started getting worse, and things were a little fuzzy. I wasn't thinking quite as straight, but I was still in a pretty good state of mind. Then, after another hit, my heart was beating really fast and I felt incredibly isolated from reality.

I thought about things that I didn't want to think about. Like how pathetic and disgusting I felt in general. Random thoughts ran through my head, like "Why ME?", and "Fuck Akito, that stupid fucking wimp couldn't hurt me if I ever fought back". And suddenly I was aware of EVERYTHING, it seemed, but I was so relaxed, that none of it mattered. I was aware that it was all terrible, and that it WASN'T hurting me, and I felt amazing.

And then I was just looking around me, at the people and room and everything. My head was clouded, but somehow my thinking was stimulated. I looked at things so simply, that everything seemed pretty logically. It occurred to me how weird it was that Yuki's hair was purple. I wondered why the others were smoking.

Movies lie. It's not the "cool kids" that smoke weed, or the losers. It's just the kids that have things they don't want to think about, or hell, maybe they're just looking for a good time. And I learned that everyone is on a different high. Kakeru was on a laughing high, Kimi was on a paranoid high (biting her nails, her eyes darting around the room), the freaky chick and Yuki were just sitting there and staring into space. I was suddenly fascinated by my shoes more than the people around me, though. They were like clothes...for my FEET. And the socks were like underwear. It seemed so absurd, that I started laughing pretty hard.

The bell rang, and I thought "Oh, I have to go to class". Yuki and the others shifted lazilly to get up, Kakeru did the same, more drunkenly. Nao picked up the papers, and went out, mumbling about irresponsibility and whatnot.

Drugs are bad for you. They kill your brain. They take away reality.

But, I didn't care, because just for a short time, they made my life seem AWESOME. The two best things when one is high: food and music. I was relatively sad that I hadn't gone to lunch, because I suddenly had a craving for every food imaginable, but it felt like there was music in my head, and it was a pretty good song. I sat in class, half-listening to my math teacher ramble on about equations, and I tried to focus on my work. I didn't want to focus on my work, so I didn't. There was no bridge between when things were going to happen, and when they did, or when I was thinking about doing something, and I did it. Everything just HAPPENED.

Such a simple reality, false or not, was amazing.

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Um, Kyo getting stoned isn't really a big deal for this story. It's just a part that I thought of and I wanted to include it. Trust me, it's going to a much bigger plot. Yuki is not really a main character to it. Short chapter. I KNOW. I like having this in it's own section, though. By the way, I do not encourage drug use. But I once had a cheese danish and my ipod when i was stoned, and it was the best thing EVER.

--Psycho.