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A Grain of Truth

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What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do

--- "What Hurts the Most", Rascal Flatts

I loved her too.

No one knows that. The historians don't record it, the balladeers don't spin tales of it. The only man who might even guess at it is dead. Dead many years. I let him die. Even now, I laugh at it.

The only other man who might have known was my rival.

And, perversely, my best friend.

They saw Agni was in a cruel mood when he created me. My servants whisper it in the corners, terrified of my wrath if I should hear. Stupid peasants. Do they not realise I have spies everywhere? That I command their very souls?

They whisper it in hate. It was a cruel day when the Fire Lord was conceived.

I agree with them. Silently, in my head, when I'm alone, I agree with them.

He was cruel.

He made me love a woman who would never love me.

I remember the first time I saw her. I was seven years old. She was five. Even then I knew my own importance, though I hid it well. I had always been a good actor.

She was sitting by a tree in the Lower Eastern Garden, her nursemaid on the rim of the fountain, playing with something I do not remember. Sewing, I assume. But it was of no importance. I will disregard her for she holds little significance, in my life and my story.

I was coming in from training, tired and bruised. It was hard being Crown Prince. My life was full of structure and rigidity, timetables and expectations. Life in Court was the same. We are a proud people in the Fire Nation but that pride, in the Court of my younger years, had become corrupted into petty arrogance and dispersed in rituals that were meaningless and expensive. Until I met her, women in my life had always been governed by two things: my ferocious grandmother and protocol. My mother had died of it, I am told. Just curled into a ball one morning on the great Dragon Bed of the Fire Lord and wept her way to death.

I despise her for it. In my youth, when the odds were stacked against me, I used to blame my misfortunes on her. If she had had the courage to live, the fierceness to fight back for me and show me affection, I might have turned out differently. My world might have turned out differently.

But I wander. My mother was a weak fool and she was not worthy of my affection. I will dispense of her.

I was angry when I first saw them in the garden. I admit that. My aunt had held this particular patch of land in great affection while she was here. It insulted me to see it being used so casually by strangers. Striding out from the shadows of the walkway, I marched down onto the grass, throwing the towel onto a flower bed. "What are you doing here!" I demanded. "This is private: commoners do not come here!"

The maid was terrified and that pleased me slightly. She fell to her knees, trying to drag the tiny girl down with her. Pleas for forgiveness babbled out between her lips. She was nearly grovelling and I could not hold back a smile before turning to the girl.

But she was not kneeling, not pleading. Instead, her pale skin was flushed, her loose hair flying wild. "How dare you!" She retorted furiously. "Don't you dare speak to me like that again!"

Hurt pride flew through my veins. "I'll speak to you as I please! I am the Prince!"

Brown eyes flashed in fury. "I don't care!" She snapped before sitting down abruptly. "I like it here! You can't make me move!"

"Yes I can!"

I was desperate at that moment that prove myself to her. Stamping my foot, I scowled fiercely. "I can so!" I repeated. "You have to what I say! I'm the Prince! Everyone has to do what I say!"

"Well, I don't want to, so there!" And she turned her back on me.

I stared at her. No one had ever refused me before. No one. Not my grandmother, not my tutors, not even my own father, on the rare occasion that I saw him. I was the Rising Sun, the future Fire Lord.

And yet she had refused me.

"Why don't you want to?"

She didn't look back. "It's nice here. I like the fountain. And the flowers smell nice."

I blinked. I had not realised there were flowers in here. "Oh."

She turned back, solemn grey eyes on mine. Her eyes widened in curiosity when she saw my training clothes and her lips curled up. I stared at her, confused and mesmerised.

"Do you want to play?"

I shifted uncomfortably. I was not used to playing. Occasionally, meetings had been arranged between myself and the sons of high standing noble houses but these had little to do with such commonplace things as having fun and so much more to do with building alliances and learning to mingle with my own class as befitted a Prince. So, as usual, I sought refuge in disdain. "Playing is only for commoners."

She frowned, then laughed, making me feel even more uncomfortable. "What!"

"You look so funny." She smiled, her grey eyes warming to me. "Like you've got moo-pig dung under your nose."

"I don't!" But I sat down anyway, determined not to leave her.

"Yes you do. But that's okay. You can't help it."

I scowled at her again and she laughed. Again. She would always laugh, I would discover someday. "I'm Ta Min of House Wei."

"I'm Prince Sozin."

With quiet graceful movements, she held out her toy to me. A tiny giraffe carved out of gold. I have it still. "I like you, Prince Sozin."

And with those words my fate with sealed.

From the first I want you to understand that Ta Min was not beautiful. Her forehead was too high, her nose too snubbed, unlike the delicately pointed arches of other ladies. When she grew angry, her hair - an unpromising brown colour, too common and plain in a Court where the only acceptable hues were of deepest black - would fly out, like wings of some crazed bird. In the parlours of the Court Ladies, she was derided in her youth as being all lips and no more.

But still…

I have never understand the strange way I was bound to her. Never. It was just there, so subtle she could not sense. And I.. I was too afraid to disturb the still waters of our friendship that I never objected to anything for her. Even when my best friend started to dangle for her, even when she seemed to gain a foothold on her feelings for him, even when the young rakes and nobles of court began to pester her as she grew older… I said nothing.

But I watched.

And I waited.

I was twenty-two years old when I lost her forever.

She was twenty one.

I remember everything about that day, down to the very hour. Does that often happen? That one can remember a specific day in such heart-breaking, excruciating detail? I suppose it must. They say the poet Jan Guhan could recall everything about the day he met his true love, down to the colour of thread she wore in her gown.

But then he immortalised it at a young age in his poems. He could always look back, refresh the details.

I have never had a talent for aesthetic writing. My education never provided for it, seeing as I was a Prince and man and not expected to loll at home and write ridiculous love poems to supplement my income. But even so, I doubt I have the talent for it. Words do not come easily to me. I prefer to listen rather than speak.

Roku wrote poems. Perhaps that was part of his appeal.

It was the last great ball of the Season in our Court. My aunt had hosted it, filled it with her usual extravagancies of flowers and froth. I was there out of duty for my aunt longed for a success and what success could there be without a member of the Royal Family present, gracing the company with their unknown good qualities? She had persuaded me to come, promising many beautiful young women to dance with and good food.

I teased her at first. Why should I go, I asked. There was good food in the Court and beautiful women were seven a copper in the Royal City.

She promised all the youth and beauty of the Houses for my entertainment. My attention caught on that, though I pretended casualness.

"And House Wei as well?"

She laughed, an expression of relief creeping into her eyes. "Naturally, every young woman they can dress! Why, Honoured Nephew? Is there a young lady there that had caught your eye?"

"No, of course not…"

"Oh!" A gleam of cunning entered her golden eyes. Abruptly her face began to resemble the turns and contours of a stoat. "Young Ta Min, is it, Honoured Nephew?"

I began to bluster. "No, no, of course…"

"Ah, so that is how it is." She laughed and presumed to link her arm with mine. "You wish to keep your friend's sweetheart safe from the hungry wolves! So sweet, my dear Nephew!"

And with my heart gripped in dragon's claws of jealousy, I agreed softly and took her invitation.

The ball was a success, though not due to any effort on my part. I did one circuit of the room and moved away as quickly as I could. Thankfully, there were enough men invited so that no one would ever long for partners. I sent a quick prayer up to Agni for that, blessing my aunt's foresight.. Or perhaps it was just her flirtatious nature. However it went, I was grateful not to have to embarrass myself on the dance floor.

I found her by the windows, staring out at the stars. She seemed to have some affinity with the stars, something I had never understood. They were a Water Tribe symbol, along with the moon. I, ever the conventional Prince and man, craved the full glory of the sun, bright and powerful.

"What are you doing here?" My voice was gentle. I learned that over the years.

She turned and a curious smile played across her features, like she was laughing at me. "Do you recall those were the first words you ever said to me?"

"They were?" My wits had gone at that one twist of her lips.

She laughed then, gracefully, like a bird calling out. "You don't remember!" She crowed. "Ah, Sozin, how could you?"

"I…" I smiled. "Sorry." I was always so informal with her. So vulnerable and so much more open. A young fool, I supposed that she would never hurt me. Never truly.

As she turned back to the night sky and tipped her head back, the heavy weight of her brown pulling down to her waist. She still wore it in the style she had favoured throughout her girlhood. Grey eyes picked out the Plough, the North Star, the Hunter. "Do you see them?"

I shook my head, content to watch her. She huffed in annoyance. "What is it with you?" She asked teasingly. Suddenly she grabbed my hand and formed it into a pointing gesture. "See? The North Star…"

I was not listening. I could not. She was holding my hand, her skin warm on mine. Her smile was glowing up at me, her eyes shining like the stars that so captured her attention. Perhaps she had changed her mind. Perhaps she finally realised…I turned to the sky, sharing it with her. This could be the rest of our lives. This could be us four years from now, ten years , maybe even forty if Agni was kind.

I should have known better. Agni is not kind to me.

"Sozin?"

"Yes, Ta Min?"

"Can I tell you something?"

My heart leapt. "Of course. You know that."

She glanced down at our intertwined fingers and smiled., glowingly happy.. She disengaged her hand from mine, though I tried to keep it back, exerting pressure on her fingers until the last possible moment. Dipping down into a hidden pocket in her voluminous sleeve - it was the style then for ladies to have small pockets sewn in the inner lining of their silk sleeves - she withdrew a small leather pouch. Untying the leathers, she smiled up at me once more. "I can't believe it really!"

I laughed. "Just show me, Ta Min."

She laughed in return. With careful movements , she drew out a navy blue length of cloth with something hanging from a central clip. She held up between two hands and spread it out across her lovely white throat. The light blue crystal hung down to just the round hollow below her larynx.

My smile froze in place.

She never noticed.

"Can you believe it, Sozin? Roku sent me a Water Tribe betrothal necklace! Look, see the delicate carving." Numbly I felt her lift my hand to trace the sharp dips and hollows of the stone. "He wants to marry me, Sozin. He loves me…" She trailed off with a dreamy smile, turning back to the sky. "He said he would watch the sky every night, thinking of me."

Of course he would, I swallowed harshly. I would have given her every fine jewel in the Nation, given her anything, died for her happiness… And yet, Roku had her heart for the price of a badly carved piece of rock and few pretty words on a page. From that moment I hated my best friend. It is a terrible thing to hate and love someone at the same time.

"Sozin?" She was worried now. "My friend, what's wrong?"

Her friend. Not her love, not her husband or her betrothed. I was her friend..

I never thought the word would hurt so much.

Looking down into her grey eyes, I longed to shout out my own feelings. Why did she love the absent Roku when I was here, beside her, living, breathing, craving her? I wanted to shake her, to grab her shoulders, to lean down and kiss her, share my breath with hers, drag her closer… He's the Avatar, he has everything in the world - let me have her!

"Sozin?"

It was the closest I ever came to breaking out from the walls that had surrounded me since childhood. One step and another life beckoned, another hope, another world…

She smiled at my laugh. "So he finally got up the courage to ask? Thank Agni, I thought he'd never get around to it. I was almost going to ask you myself!"

Sometimes the best lies come with a tiny grain of truth.

I read the ceremony at their wedding and hated him even as I smiled.

I congratulated him the morning after his wedding night and longed to take his place.

I stood in as godfather to their child - a boy - and saw a child with my black hair and Ta Min's grey eyes clutched in her arms.

When they could have no more children - no one ever said why but whispered it was an old wound of Roku's - I rejoiced silently, glad that there would no longer be any physical evidence of her love for the Avatar wandering around my Nation.

When I married my wife, I made sure she had grey eyes.

And when he was at my mercy as the volcano ripped his home apart, when his eyes were pleading with me to help him survive, I smiled and pulled back my hand.

They say I hated him because he was the Avatar, because he stood in my way, because he refused to let my plans for a Fire Empire expand beyond Fire Nation borders.

They are fools. Ignorant fools. What care had I for the world? The world belonged to the Avatar. She should have belonged to me.

It was simple.

He took her.

So I took the world.

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