A/N: Hey guys! DobbyRoxMySox here, back again with another fun and exciting LJ fic. This little brainchild poped into my head the other day while I was listening to the school announcements, (And yes, I am that much of a dork that I actually listen) and the vice principal mentioned something about Chess Club. And all of a sudden, I just had this really creepily hilarious visiosn of the Maurauders sitting in on a chess club meeting. I swear to God, it was so funny I almost laughed out loud right there! Luckily I didn't, because my slave driver Chem teacher probably would have defenistrated me, but anyways, I'm rambling...
So since then, this idea hasn't let me go. I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this, but it's bound to be hilarious and fun, so if you're in the mood for something light and rot-your-teeth fluffy, this is probably the fic for you.
Rating: T to be safe. I've developed quite a potty mouth lately...
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, or the Maurauders, or Dobby, or Norbort. I wish I did, but the sad truth of the matter is that Jo did all the work, and I'm just a lowly fanfic writer borrowing her ideas for awhile.
So without further adu, I give you the first chapter of Checkmate...
Lily Evans was pissed. Worse than that actually. She was pure livid.
It wasn't fair. It absolutely wasn't. Why did Petunia's fiancé have to come over this weekend? Why did he have to bring his family? And most of all why did that miserable piece of vermin have to sleep in her room? He was getting married to Petunia for crying out loud! Surely they could sleep in the same bed for a few days. He had to get used to her foghorn-worthy snores somehow.
She'd begged and pleaded with her mom but she wouldn't have any of it. 'Petunia's a good girl honey, Vernon's a good boy, they need their space. You can sleep on the coach for a few days, it won't kill you.'
She couldn't quite see what her mom was worried about. Petunia was the most stuck up prude she knew. And though Lily had already concluded that Vernon was a selfish pig, he was obviously smitten with her sister. No, nothing unchristian would have happened, but Lily's mom, ever the conservative, wasn't taking any chances.
Her parents were the absolute epitome of overprotective. Her dad was a police officer. She had witnessed him run background checks and ruthlessly interrogate all of Petunia's previous boyfriends. Most boys left his office with a slightly alarmed look on their face and with a lingering fear of balding, middle-aged men.
Her mom, on the other hand, was even worse. While she usually didn't talk much with the guys Petunia dated, she would lecture her ear off before and after every date, warning her about the danger of temptation, the minds of testosterone fueled, greedy teenaged boys, and just generally awkward terms of conversation you never wanted to discuss with your parents. Ever. Lily knew. She'd gotten that lecture a few times as well, even though she'd never told her parents, or so much as hinted about, her previous boyfriends. She'd learned from her older sister's mistakes.
But her parent's controlling behavior was not the worst of Lily's worries today. Nope, her next challenge was to somehow survive a dinner with the Dursley's, the most repulsive family Lily had ever had the displeasure to lay eyes on, and suffer through the night on the old, lumpy and thoroughly uncomfortable couch in the drafty living room.
Yup, Lily had plenty of reason to be in a dour mood that day. Little did she know, she wasn't the only one…
/-o0o-/
"PADFOOT! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" James Potter screeched, stampeding from his bedroom at the speed of light.
He heard a door slamming downstairs and frantic footsteps across the kitchen tile. He grinned, knowing his friend, well more like mutual enemy at this point, was scared. And he had good reason to be. James bolted down the stairs at lightning speed, his face turning brick red with the effort- well actually not red, more like blue?
Rewind.
11:00 o'clock AM found James Potter stretched out on his bed, his face pressed into his pillow in a most demeaning manner, his hair a wild mass of tangled brambles, and his mouth emitting the most hideous snore humanly imaginable.
Yeah, not a pretty sight. The worst part? His skin was- yup you guessed it, bright blue!
Not exactly waking up in the most chipper mood, James somehow failed to see the humor in Sirius's 'hilarious' joke. He'd tried every counter-charm he could think of to get rid of the stupid pigment, but the spell, just like Sirius, was stubborn as a mule. And as one might imagine, after having woken up as a newfound honorary member of the blue man group, one might be in the mood to extract some revenge.
Oh yeah… Sirius was toast.
When he reached the kitchen, James skidded to a halt, panting slightly and panning his head back and forth in search of his target. He noticed the front door ajar and smirked. Sirius had never been one for stealth.
A moment later he was out the door, running full on towards the old oak tree in his backyard, were he could vaguely make out the silhouette of a gangly teenaged boy attempting to scurry up its branches. "I'M GOING TO AVADA YOU" He bellowed, "AND THEN I'M GOING TO CHOP YOU UP INTO TINY PIECES AND FEED YOU TO THE GIANT SQUID!"
He slowed his pace as he neared the tree. Sirius had managed to climb about two or three feet up, which, for Padfoot, was quite impressive. He'd never been one for tree climbing. Not after the cat incident anyways, but that was another story…
"AND THEN I'M GOING TO CUT THE SQUID OPEN AND SUMMON ALL YOUR PIECES FROM IT'S INTESTINES, JUST SO I CAN STICK YOU BACK TOGETHER AND HIRE A NEOCROMANCER TO BRING YOU BACK TO LIFE SO I CAN DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN!" James belted with his remaining breath, at the same time scrabbling around in his back pocket in search of his wand.
He was certain he'd grabbed it off his bedside table that morning, but apparently no such luck. Damn.
So being the hormone crazed, Neanderthal that he was, James did the next best thing. He launched himself at the tree, grabbed Sirius's ankle and tackled him to the ground the old fashioned way.
After a short, blinded, and thoroughly one-sided scramble, James had Sirius pinned to the ground. Still panting, he looked down at his opponent, and Sirius, being the wonderful friend that he was, took one look at James' lurid blue face and promptly cracked up.
"Y-you're blue!" He spluttered out some time later, when he had managed to gulp down enough air to form a coherent sentence.
James rolled his eyes in an Evans-worthy way. "How very articulate of you, Padfoot." He said dryly.
He gave his friend a few moments more to collect himself before slapping him hard across the face. "Now fix it!" he snapped.
"Ow! Fix what?" Sirius asked, blinking dazedly as shiny stars flashed before his eyes.
"What do you think Einstein?" James growled angrily.
"I think…" Began Sirius, attempting to collect his thoughts enough to make a witty comment, "Somebody's feeling a bit off color today."
And than he promptly collapsed into a fit of laughter at the hilarity of his own pathetic joke.
James sighed and stood up slowly, surveying his maniacal friend perplexedly. He was shaking so hard with laughter he was practically vibrating the tree trunk.
However, James' already trying patience was running thin, "Oy!" He yelled, in a last dig attempt to get Sirius' attention.
When Sirius didn't respond, James took that as his cue to kick him in the gut.
"OWWW!" Sirius cried, "Prongs, what the hell was that for!?"
"For stealing my toothbrush!"
"Really?"
"No dumbass, wait… what?! You stole my toothbrush!"
"I'd prefer borrowed, actually. And it was absolutely necessary. The toilet looked dirty and I didn't know where your mom kept her cleaning supplies." Padfoot replied cheekily.
James face blanched for a second, but he had more pressing matters to attend to. He'd just have to make it a point to throw the offending toothbrush in a toxic waste dump and put a dungbomb in Sirius' pillowcase.
"WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME!?!" James finally cried, "And whatever it is, turn me back this instant!"
Sirius smirked, "Aw, but I think it's an improvement, you had such a pale complexion before, and this color totally brings out the tone in your eyes-"
"Padfoot," Grunted James through clenched teeth, "You can be a bloody dandy anytime you want, but right now cut the crap and turn me back."
"Haha! That rhymes. Cut the crap and turn me back!"
"Ok queerzilla, just do it." James growled.
"Sorry mate, no can do." Said Sirius flippantly.
James' only response was a death glare and a sound somewhere between a grunt and a laryngospasm.
Sirius backpedaled a bit, "I'm sure it'll fade. It'll be out of your system in a few hours tops, and then the blue will probably vanish along with it." James continued his feral glare, "Maybe…"
"What exactly will be out of my system, Padfoot?" James inquired maliciously.
"Erm- well, you see," Sirius stuttered, "I might have er- accidentally left some dried and crushed doxy excrement's on your pillow this morning, and you might have subsequently ingested them-"
"Wait, wait, wait. Hold up a second!" James cut Sirius off, "You mean to say, that I snuffed doxy crap?!"
Sirius bit his lip, only now realizing the horrible predicament he was in. He was sitting on the ground, backed up against a tree trunk and James was towering over him, a livid monstrosity. Quite literally stuck between a rock and a hard place. Oh, if only he had time to appreciate the irony of it all. "That's- that's the general idea, yeah." Said Sirius nervously.
"And what exactly did you hope to accomplish from all this again?" Spat James.
Sirius couldn't help it. He snorted, "Man, if only you could hear yourself right now. You sound so much like Evans, it's not even funny."
James took another menacing step towards his friend. "I just wanted to see what would happen!" Cried Sirius quickly, sounding like a whiny child.
"So you put nasty and potentially toxic doxy shit on my pillow!"
"Well when you put it that way it sounds…"
"Selfish, childish and extremely irresponsible."
"Thanks mom." Deadpanned Sirius.
James took a deep breath, "Padfoot, c'mon. This is low even for you. Please turn me back."
In that moment Sirius decided his joke had gone on far enough, so he ditched the forlorn scared puppy look, and hopped onto his feet, slapping his friend on the back in the process, "Oh Prongsie!" He exclaimed jovially, "Do you think I'd do that to you? It's not doxy droppings, you gullible bastard, it's Zonko's Chameleon powder. I used it on my brother one time before his first date; man was he pissed. And it should start fading any minute now, it only lasts a few hours, and you slept longer than I expected you to."
James looked down at himself. Sure enough, the color wasn't quite as pronounced as he'd remembered in his bedroom mirror. For the first time that morning, he allowed a ghost of a smile to flick across his features. "Good one Padfoot." He admitted grimly, "But you'd better watch your back because I'm gonna kill you for this."
Sirius shook his head, "I know you are mate, just like you did for the stinkpellet breath mints, the trick faucet and the toothbrush incident."
James rolled his eyes. He hadn't, in fact, extracted his revenge on Sirius for any of those tricks. Yet. "Well in my defense," Said James matter-of-factly, "I didn't know about the toothbrush thing until a few minutes ago, and I've just been biding my time for the perfect circumstances."
"A.K.A, you can't think of anything." Muttered Sirius.
"What was that?"
"Nothing," Sirius uttered reflexively, "Anyways, I'm glad you're a bit cheered up. That's what I was going for, today especially."
James looked confused, "Why today?"
Sirius looked him over critically, to see if he was faking it, but James seemed genuinely stumped. "You really can't remember what day it is?" Asked Sirius gently.
"No Padfoot," Said James, a bit impatient now, "What day is it?"
Sirius took a deep breath, "July 13th."
James' face fell.
/-o0o-/
Lily sat on a swing at the old park down the street, making scud marks in the dirt with the heel of her shoe. The Dursley's were scheduled to arrive in twenty minutes, but she'd wanted to get a little fresh air beforehand. The two families had decided to 'get to know each other properly', which basically meant a lot of long and boring indoor family activities during the stuffiest month of the year. Fun, fun.
She wasn't a believer in fate or small miracles. As wonderful as it would have been for an angel of mercy to swoop down from the sky and whisk her away from what promised to be a thoroughly miserable weekend, she wasn't banking on it. Which of course was why she was surprised when a speeding blur of color came zooming in from the sky and landed right in front of her astonished face.
"Jenna!" Lily exclaimed a split second later, as the figure dismounted, staggering slightly.
The tall figure propped her broomstick up against the post of the swing set, and wiped her hands on her jeans. She was indeed Jenna, Lily's roommate and good friend at school. "Hey Lils!" She said in greeting, "I hope no one saw me come in, I think I was accelerating pretty well, but who knows. It's Friday the thirteenth, the muggles are already freaked out enough about all that superstitious mumbo jumbo."
Lily laughed, "Wow, I forgot it was the thirteenth. No wonder today's been such a rotten day."
Jenna took a seat on the swing next to Lily's, flicking her long blonde air over her shoulder as she did so. "Petunia in a twist again?" She asked sympathetically.
"Yeah something like that. She's getting married." Lily groaned loudly.
Jenna gasped in fake shock, "What? To Vermin?!"
Lily nodded grimly at her assessment. Vermin was their nickname for Vernon Dursley. You had to admit, it fit quite well. "Yup, the wedding's scheduled for next summer. And his parents are coming over for dinner tonight."
Lily pantomimed slashing her throat with her index finger and gagged. Jenna giggled. "Aw c'mon Lily. It can't be that bad. I'm sure you and Mrs. Mamma Vermin will be best pals in no time."
Lily shot Jenna one of her patented death glares, but Jenna just shook her head, still smiling. "I wonder if his parents will have the same squashed pig face thing going. Is that genetics or just a really bad nose-job?"
"Oh, you're horrible!" Exclaimed Lily, but Jenna noticed she made no effort to dissuade her point. "But anyways, what are you doing here? I thought you lived on the other side of the country?"
Jenna smiled, "I'm staying in London with Koralie. Her dad's got this new gig he's promoting. Seems like he's actually found a somewhat promising one for once."
Koralie was Lily's other roommate and friend. Her dad worked in the entertainment industry, promoting up and coming new bands. However, he was notorious for choosing the most bland and pathetic artists known to wizardkind. So to say he had actually discovered a halfway decent gig, for him at least, was nothing short of a miracle.
"Cool! Who?" Asked Lily excitedly.
Jenna bit her lip, "The Weird sisters… I think at least. It's kind of a lame name in my opinion, but I've been listening in on their practice sessions and they sound pretty solid."
Lily smiled. "That's good. He needed a decent break for once."
Koralie's dad was a very charming, genial and just an all around good guy. Upon meeting him, it was impossible not to like him and root for him in his struggle against his own music illiteracy.
"But Lily, that's not the half of it." Jenna put in, leaning towards Lily excitedly, "He's got them last minute placement in this concert down in Diagon Alley this weekend, and they've got five extra tickets! Five, Lily! Five! That's Kori, Kori's folks, me, and you. Third row back, dead center, backstage passes, all the bells and whistles. So what'd ya say Lils? You'll go right?!"
Lily looked at her friend's eager face, alight with joy. She didn't want to squelch that happiness, and she certainly wanted to go with her, but she knew her slave driver mother would never allow it. Not while 'The fate of Petunia's future rested on successful dinner plans' anyways. Damn Petunia and her God-awful timing. She should have been born an only child.
Lily sighed heavily, "Merlin Jen, you have no idea how much I'd love to go with you and get away from my evil sister and my equally demonic soon-to-be-in-laws…"
Jenna's smile widened, which only made Lily's next statement all the more painful, "But I can't."
Jenna's expression flipped a full 180 degrees into a sad pout, "Why not?" She asked, sounding like a five year old who'd just been denied a trip to the sweet shop.
"My mom won't let me. She's getting entirely too serious about this whole unfortunate visit. It's like the fate of the world rests on her impeccable dinner planning skills or something. I swear, the neighbors probably think she's getting ready to have the prime minister over for dinner." Lily responded bitterly.
Jenna, like the incredibly mature person that she was, promptly stuck out her tongue at Lily's assessment. "Oh, c'mon Lily. Forget your muggle mom. All it'll take is a quick memory charm, and no one will miss you. Think about it, an entire Dursley free weekend, and you'll get to spend it with your best pals in the entire world that you've missed so much this past month…"
Lily couldn't help but laugh as Jenna finished her statement and stuck her lip out in a comical pout, which somehow made her look like a pathetic, but incredibly cute puppy dog all the same. "First," began Lily, after she finished chuckling at her friends dramatic antics, "It hasn't been a month since I've seen you, it's been three weeks. And second, no. I don't care how incredibly advanced you are at charms, you aren't pointing your wand anywhere near my mother."
"What?" Asked Jenna, feigning offense, "You don't trust my charm skills? I've been doing memory charms since second year Lily, and I haven't once screwed one up."
Lily grinned sardonically. "Oh yeah, what about Professor Vincent, he still clucks like a chicken every time the bell rings, now how do you explain that?"
Jenna smiled sheepishly, "That might not have been entirely inadvertent."
Lily gaped.
"He gave me a 'T' Lily! Just because I wrote my essay on the Tornadoes! And everyone knows he supports their rival, it was totally biased!" Exclaimed Jenna, attempting to justify one of her more immutable 'accidents'.
"Jenna, he's the muggle studies teacher and that essay was supposed to be on various forms of muggle transportation." Lily explained exasperatedly. "He gave you a 'T' because you rambled on about quidditch stats the whole time and didn't even mention muggles."
"Well it's not my fault I didn't hear his instructions. His class is so damn boring I fell asleep."
"Again. Because you were up all night before that TPing the prefects bathroom with Sirius."
Jenna cocked her head to the side with a faraway look on her face. "Hmmm…I forgot about that. Man, that was a great night."
She looked like she was about to elaborate, so Lily quickly cut her off, "Don't want to hear it. I was just proving my point."
Anything involving Jenna, Sirius, and a bathroom was more information than Lily ever wanted to know.
Beep. Beep. Beeeeeep…
Lily cussed under her breath as her watch alarm sounded. She looked at Jenna sadly. "Well that would be my cue. My immortal doom awaits."
Jenna grinned like a Cheshire cat, "Immortal doom, huh? Sounds ominous. I can't have you face that alone, now can I?"
Lily could almost see the wheels in her friend's unruly head turning.
"Not gonna happen Jenna. If my sister sees you so much as set foot in my house she's going to turn into a crazy axe murderer on the spot. After that trick with the vanity," Lily shuddered, "She's never been the same around a mirror since."
"Lily, I'm not afraid of your muggle moron of a sister. And that trick served her right, she needed to get over herself. Besides, what kind of a friend would I be if I didn't support my best mate in this time of need?"
She was laying it on thick, and she knew it too. "C'mon Lily," she continued, "If you won't let me come in, at least let me walk you back.I flew half an hour out here just to see you again, the least you could do is give me a few more minutes before you send me packing."
Lily sighed, "Geesh Jenna, you've got the guilt trip thing down better than my mother. Fine, c'mon then, but you'd better be out of here before my sister sees you."
A/N: Well, what'd you think? Like it? Hate it? Meh? I know the chapter ended kind of abruptly there, but it was getting a little too long for my liking so I decided to break it off. The next chapter is already about halfway written, so if you like this fic and think I should upload the next chap, be sure to drop me a line via the review button. And yes, I am a complete and utter shameless review-aholic. So if you're planning on sticking with this fic, get used to the guilt trips.