Adversary
by channelD
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written for: no excuse! I have no excuse, Your Honor!
rating: K
genre: humor
setting: late October
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disclaimer: I own nothing of NCIS.
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The intruder glared at her, eyes dark.
Ziva rarely felt fear, but this…this went beyond fear. This was primordial terror. It reached far, far back into her past, when this same enemy had threatened her, when she was young.
The enemy sized her up, as if she were the intruder. This is my territory, Ziva thought, but couldn't say it out loud. This was one enemy who could knock her down. And there might be no escaping her. Her quick, skilled moves. Her lightness on her feet. And her dangerous weapons…!
Standing frozen, Ziva willed an escape plan to come into her mind. Escape was her only chance of survival now; she could not expect to conquer her black-clad attacker. Papa… she thought.
"Ziva! Come on! We have a mission!" Gibbs barked, reentering the squad room. "Ziva?"
"I…cannot. I am trapped," she said, her voice low and rimmed with fear.
Gibbs looked about the squad room and saw nothing. Then he looked down at her desk. "By a caterpillar??"
"It is not just a caterpillar, Gibbs!" she cried, clinging to him. "It is a wooly bear!"
About an inch-and-a-half long, the orange-and-black banded caterpillar sat in the middle of Ziva's desk, appraising her. "So?"
"When I was just a girl, I found a couple of wooly bears one fall day. They were so cute! And soft. They practically begged to be held and played with. I rubbed their fur against my face, and…they attacked me! My face swelled horribly. I had to get a shot with a very, very large needle. Now look at her! She wants to eat me!"
This was a little much to take in, but Gibbs managed to say, "How do you know it's a 'she'?"
"Do you not know Kipling, Gibbs?! 'The female of the species is more deadly than the male.' Of course this is a female!"
The caterpillar then chose to raise her head and her front legs, her glossy black eyes still on Ziva. She swayed a little, showing no fear of the human.
Ziva dived behind Gibbs. "Do you see?? She is putting a hex on me!!" Ziva shrieked.
"Now, Ziva…"
"What's the hold up?" Tony said as he and Tim stepped out of the elevator. "We got tired of waiting in the truck…"
"Hey, a wooly bear!" Tim exclaimed in delight. "What's this little guy doing in here?"
"Girl," Ziva corrected, daring to peep out from behind Gibbs.
"How do you—"
"Chicks know other chicks," Tony said knowingly. "They just do." Tim accepted this.
"Did you ever do this?" Tony added, picked up the caterpillar and held it under his nose, over Ziva's cry of alarm. "Instant moustache!" The caterpillar didn't appreciate being labeled human facial hair, and wiggled in Tony's fingers.
"Cute," said Tim. "Some say that these fellas predict how harsh a winter we'll have, based on the width of the orange stripe. Wish I remembered which way it goes!"
"And these guys are so soft! Feel it, Probie!" Tony held out the caterpillar and rubbed it gently against Tim's cheeks and chin. Ziva turned pale.
Tim grinned as Tony set the caterpillar back down on Ziva's desk. "That is nice. And it takes me back. I would usually see them along the side of the road in autumn when I was a kid. We would—"
"Later, McGee," Gibbs sighed. "Mission? Remember?" He picked up the caterpillar and patted it gently, watching it curl into a ball in his hand. "I'll just drop this creature outside on our way out, and—"
"Well, what have we here?" said Director Vance, coming up to them. "Is that a wooly bear? Man, I used to love these things! You know what we kids would do? Let 'em crawl through our hair, like a little massage!" He picked up the caterpillar and put it on his head, practically giggling. Gibbs had to hold Ziva to keep her from collapsing.
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Jimmy was putting away the props he'd purchased for NCIS' upcoming Hallowe'en party when Ducky, sighing greatly, brought Vance, Gibbs, Tony and Tim into Autopsy. "Sit, please," Ducky said to the foursome, though it sounded more like an order. Obligingly, they did so on two tables.
They were a sight. Tim's cheeks were swollen like a chipmunk's, as was his chin. His eyes had become tiny in his face. Tony's upper lip and nose were also grossly enlarged, as were Gibbs' hands. Vance showed no visible symptoms, but he couldn't stop scratching his head.
"Gentlemen, gentlemen!" Ducky scolded."Pyrrharctia isabella, the wooly bear in the larva state, is not a plaything. It has defenses to keep enemies away, as you've discovered. The bristles, or setae, on it, in a few species, can cause great skin irritation. And you've found one of the few species that does."
Jimmy was just putting away a half-meter-long hypodermic prop when Ducky called, "Mr. Palmer—please bring me the largest hypodermic needle we have." Ducky turned back to find that Tim and Tony had both fainted away, Gibbs was trying to look stoic, and Vance was on the verge of tears.
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Up in the squad room, Ziva had grabbed her jacket and cap and had decided to wait for the others in the safety of the truck.
The caterpillar, meanwhile, decided she'd had enough food and it was time for her winter's nap. She crawled off the edge of Ziva's desk and attached herself to the underside to wait for spring.
- END –
Author's note: I took a few liberties for the sake of a joke. First, Pyrrharctia Isabella is not found in Israel, as far as I can tell; its range is limited to eastern North America. That doesn't mean that there couldn't be a similar caterpillar in Israel, though.
Why were the men so free with their handling of the wooly bear? As Ducky says, most of the varieties don't cause irritation, except in individuals with sensitive skin. But a few do. I know this first hand: when I was about 8, I found a bunch of wooly bears (or similar caterpillars; I didn't get the chance to identify them and I was fascinated with bugs at that age). I cuddled them and my face blew up like a beach ball. I had a shot that left my arm so painful I wore it in a sling for a few days.
No caterpillars were harmed in the writing of this story.