It was a cold November morning and the skies were overcast. Penelope woke up to the sound of the alarm clock and quickly turned over and shut it off. Hotch had given them a three day w/end to compensate for the long hours they had all worked during the last case. Penelope was glad it was finally over. All cases affected her one way or another, but the one's that had to do with children affected her the most. She could never understand how anyone could hurt an innocent child. She knew the team was extremely affected by this as well, especially Derek. The suspect in this case was abducting children and torturing them as well as sexually abusing them. The BAU had gotten the call when the 3rd child went missing and the first child was found dead. It took them almost a week to break the case and arrest John Grimly, the local youth group organizer. But in the time it took to get him, they had lost another child.

Penelope turned over and stared out her bedroom window. It was on days like this and after these kinds of cases that she questioned her job at the BAU. She'd always place things on her desk that helped her mask some of the horror she saw day to day. It wasn't just the cases her team took, but she would consult for many of the local police departments as well. The images she'd see across those screens were sometimes so gruesome she'd stay awake at night for fear of nightmares. It was the main reason she rarely left her office when her team was away. The BAU was called in on some of the worst cases in the nation and the information she received was sometimes too much to bare. She'd rather stay in the office where she felt safe and protected.

The team had arrived late the night before and she had spoken to all of them. When she spoke to Derek he sounded off kilter. She knew he was dealing with his own demons but she didn't want to pry. She knew he'd come to her if he needed her. He always did. She reached for the remote control and changed the channel until she found something she would be happy watching. She smiled when she came across a re-run of I Love Lucy. This is exactly what she needed. No thinking, no analyzing, just pure innocent entertainment. She made up her mind right there and then that today was going to be a lazy day. She'd stay in bed and watch TV all day.

CM CM CM CM CM CM CM CM CM CM CM CM CM CM CM CM CM CM CM CM CM CM CM

Derek stared out his bedroom window. The day looked like he felt. Grey and grim. He'd tried to get some sleep but every time he managed to doze off he'd be awaked by the image of Carl's face in his dream. He thought he'd put all that behind him and had managed to finally put some closure on the ordeal. He had kept that secret for so long from everyone that truly mattered to him that when it finally came out, he felt relieved. He thought that no longer having to hide behind it was going to help him. He realized that wasn't the case. When he saw the body of the little boy it automatically gave him flashbacks of the unknown boy he helped bury and of Carl Buford.

He couldn't help but wonder if things would be different if he'd only spoken out against him. He closed his eyes and fought back the tears he felt brewing. He knew his family would have backed him up but he firmly believed that nobody else would have believed him. He also knew that he needed Carl to get where he wanted to go. Out of that hell and as far away from Carl as possible. At least that's what he believed back then. He struggled with the idea that he compromised his values just to get out and that because of that decision kids were hurt and kids died. He thought about James and his struggles. Derek firmly believed that he was responsible for James' pain. No he didn't think he was responsible, he knew he was and nothing anyone told him could change that. He'd had endless conversations with his Mom about this but he felt she was too close to the situation to see things from his perspective. She'd told him over and over to go and talk to someone, someone that could help him with sort through these feelings. He didn't feel comfortable talking to anyone about this. He kept things to himself. The less people know about you the better. The only person he ever shared anything personal with was Penelope and she was the last person he'd want to share this with. As it was he'd had a hard enough time looking at her when it was all over. He wondered what she thought about her hero now. Wondered how she viewed him now that she knew the truth. She never asked him about it, in fact she never pushed him to talk about it. The day they all arrived from Chicago all she did was hug him and tell him she'd missed him. Truth was the only person he'd wanted to be with after getting home was her. She was his breath of sunshine in all the darkness. But he was too embarrassed to face her so instead he avoided her at first.

He got up from bed and headed towards the kitchen. Sleep wasn't an option for him so he needed to get some coffee in his system in order to wake up. He needed to keep busy and not think. He'd go workout and do some running. That was always a good way for him to release pent up emotions. He'd figure out how to spend the rest of his day after that.

Three hours later……..

Penelope was forced to change her plans for a lazy day. Her stomach had started grumbling and there was nothing in the house to eat. She normally did her grocery shopping on Friday's after work. She had gotten up and showered and had decided that she would go to the market and plan instead for a lazy Friday night. She was even going to splurge on herself and buy some wine. As she walked towards the front door she turned to peek at her answering machine. She frowned when she saw there were no messages. She was a little concerned about Derek and was hoping that he had called while she was in the shower. As she walked towards her car, she decided to call him just to see what he was doing.

The call went straight to voicemail and she left him a message to call her back. She immediately called JJ.

"Hey Penelope I'm glad you called, I was just going to call you." JJ said.

"Hi JJ, I'm sorry to bother you but I was wondering if you've spoken to Derek at all?" Penelope asked.

"No I would have thought that you had though. He always calls you when he gets home." JJ said.

"He called me but he seemed a little off, ya know? Sort of ummm distant, off kilter." Penelope said.

"He was probably tired Pen, this last case had us working almost round the clock." JJ assured her.

"No JJ it's more than that. I know him, he wasn't himself. I know this case brought back some of those demons and he won't let anyone help him fight them. "Penelope said.

"Pen, I know how you feel about him, but this is one battle you have to let him fight on his own. " JJ said.

"JJ I don't want to fight the demons for him, I just need to know he's ok. He hasn't talked to anyone about this." Penelope said.

"Pen, you and him never discussed this? He's never opened up to you about any of this?" JJ said surprised.

"No JJ, he never approached me about it. I couldn't outright ask him. I figured he would in time." Penelope said defensively.

"Have you gone by his house to see if he's there?" JJ asked.

"Not yet, I will though. JJ if you hear from him please let me know." Penelope said.

"I will, you do the same." JJ said.

Penelope quickly did her shopping and loaded the car. She wanted to pass by Derek's house and see him. She could sense that something was wrong she just couldn't put her finger on it.