Author's Note:
First note, I began this story before "The Berisford Agenda" aired, so everything that happened in that episode doesn't apply to this story. Second, I am sooooooo sorry for the delay in chapters. I had a terrible case of writer's block and I missed a few episodes of "Dark Angel" so lost my inspiration for a while. I've also had an unbelievable amount of work that's kept me from writing. I just watched my tape of "Borrowed Time," got inspired, and started a new chapter. Thank you for all your wonderful, wonderful responses and I'm so glad you like my story. I hope you enjoy this chapter too!!!
~ * ~
"Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give-- which is everything." - Anon
~ * ~
I turn off the waterworks right after Alec storms out. I cry for a full minute or two, and when I finally stop, I'm surprised with myself. I'm not the kind of girl who cries or whines or complains about her miserable life. I'm a born trooper, so I suck it up and shut up and pretend nothing's wrong. But something's very wrong. What happened with Alec changed everything for me. The things he makes me feel. . .they're so foreign I can't even describe them. I thought I loved Logan. I built my life around Logan, around fighting the virus that prevents us from touching. But now. . .all those things I thought were so important seem so meaningless. My thoughts are of Alec now, not Logan. I still want to cure the virus, so I don't kill Logan by accidentally touching him, but it's not the same anymore. I don't love him; I'm not sure I ever loved him. I think I was in love with the idea of being in love, of having the ability to love.
Manticore didn't prepare me for the kinds of things that happened last night. I know how to be the perfect solider, to close off my mind and focus on the task at hand--they never taught me how to be a human being. All the things that make me who I am: my attitude, my stubbornness, my compassion. . . my ability to love--I learned them on my own. I came out of Manticore an emotionless, unaffected girl. . .and ten years later I'm a loving, caring woman. I know what it's like not to feel, to run from everything that threatens to crack my hard façade. I know what it's like to be afraid to let people in, to give them the power to hurt me. I spent so many years fighting the memories of my past, the pain I suffered at Manticore's hands. I lived by my own code and did what was best for me. . until I stole from the wrong person and everything changed.
Logan Cale took me into his life and gave me a purpose. Suddenly, it wasn't all about me anymore. There were other people to worry about, good deeds to perform. I got a job and made friends, people I love more than anything in life. Logan, Original Cindy, Sketchy, Kendra, even Normal. . .they've all helped shape me into the person I am today. I look at Alec and see the girl I was two years ago. He's so bitter, bitter and angry. . .and afraid. I could see it in his eyes this morning when he left, that hint of fear and regret and confusion. He doesn't understand what it's like to feel, to be hurt. At Manticore you don't have emotions or feelings, just genetic programming. He doesn't understand what's happening to him, what it's like to care about someone else.
Original Cindy pokes her head in and frowns when she sees the tear tracks on my cheeks. "You okay, Boo?" she asks. "You don't look too good. Want me to cover your run today?"
I shake my head and brush the remaining tears from my cheeks. "I'm fine. I need to go to work. I can't pay rent if I don't get paid."
"You sure?" she asks.
"Positive. It'll distract me from kicking the crap out Alec. OC, really, I'm fine. Go ahead. I'll meet you at work."
Her frown deepens and there's reluctance in her eyes, but she leaves. I wait until the door slams behind her before I get out of bed. I clean up the apartment a little and each movement brings back a memory. I throw out my torn tank and remake the bed, all awhile wondering how things went from being so wonderful to so crappy. I quickly shower and dress for work, hoping I don't run into Alec at Jam Pony. The last thing I need is a replay of this morning. I just need to get through work so I can spend a few hours with my "baby" and think. I'm not ready to face Alec, not until I have time on my own to work things out and figure out what to do about him.
~ * ~
Unfortunately, fate has other plans. I get to work just before nine and Normal starts riding my ass the instant I walk through the door.
"You're late," he snaps as he looks at his watch. "That's one hour pay docked."
"It's 8:59," I say smugly and point to the clock on the wall. "You're watch is off, so technically, I'm on time. That's NO pay docked."
He opens his mouth to say something, but realizes his wrong and snaps it shut. "Fine," he says dejectedly. "Get to work."
I shake my head at this antics and walk towards the back where the lockers are. Alec is already there, leaning against his locker talking to Lucy, the newest messenger. Like most of Alec's girls Lucy is cute and blond with enormous breasts. . .and nothing in the way of brains. He seems to like them that way, attractive, but not smart enough to talk back. He never invests much in his girlfriends and he makes it clear not to expect anything of him. I can see his allure: he's young, he's hot, he's good at flattery and praise. . .and it's easy to think you can make him fall in love with you. They don't know he won't fall in love, that he can't fall in love because he doesn't know how. He stiffens as I approach and leans into Lucy. She eats it up and bats her eyelashes at him. A grin curves the fullness of his lips and he whispers something in her ear.
I slam my locker shut and they jump apart. Alec sees me and smiles mockingly. He throws an arm around Lucy's shoulders and leans back against the lockers.
"Morning, Maxie," he says casually, as if nothing life-changing happened between us an hour ago.
"Morning," I growl. "Shouldn't you be starting your run by now?" I say and roll my eyes at Lucy. She glares at me and sticks her tongue out. It figures Alec would find a girl with the maturity level of a two-year-old.
"Actually," he says nonchalantly. "I was waiting for you."
"Why?" I say suspiciously.
"Because you're my partner today. Got a big package to deliver and Normal insisted on sending his best messenger with his favorite boxer. Get your bike. We're late and I have plans for after work; I'm not doing overtime."
"You're serious?" I say in astonishment. "We're really working together today?"
"Is your super-hearing not working? Yes, we're doing a run together. Get your bike and let's go!" He storms away angrily, slamming a locker shut on his way.
Lucy glares at me again. "Thanks for nothing!" she yells. "I had him wrapped around my little finger and you blew everything! I hope your day sucks!" she cries and stomps away, her blond ponytail swishing furiously behind her.
I sink back against a locker and wonder how it all came to this. I don't care if Lucy loves me or hates me, but I'm worried about Alec. He's so angry with me and the last thing either of us needs is to share a run today. I think we might spontaneously combust if we're alone together--and not in a good way. All the passion we experienced last night has been replaced with anger and something bad's going to happen before anything good.
~ * ~
I stare at Alec's leather-clad back as I pedal a few feet behind him, the "important" package strapped to my back. His shoulders are tense with repressed anger and I'm afraid he'll break off his handlebars if he doesn't loosen his grip. The first lady we delivered a package to barely opened her door once she got sight of the feral look in his eyes. He looks like an animal on the hunt. . .and I'm the pray. It's only a matter of time before he catches up with me.
Ten minutes later he stops at an apartment building and I nearly crash my bike to avoid hitting him. I glare at him and silently follow him into the elevator. He presses a button and clasps his hands behind his back, whistling softly. "Could you please stop that?" I say curtly.
"Why? Is it bothering you?"
"Yes," I hiss. "Stop!" He only whistles louder and I resist the urge to kick him. "At least be nice this time," I say. "You nearly scared that last woman half to death."
"Whatever," he says indifferently. "It's not my job to be nice."
"Well, it's my job to get tips and I don't get any if you're a raging asshole."
"Tough," he responds. "I'm not in the mood to be nice today."
"Well I am," I say angrily. "And I want tips so you'd better be on your best behavior!"
His fist slams out and for a second I think he's going to hit me. He hits a button and the elevator slams to a stop. He advances on me, his eyes dark with anger and hurt. "Stop pushing me, Maxie," he says heatedly. "I'm warning you. I'm not in the mood to play."
"Lucky for you, I am," I say intensely and move to face him. "We need to work this out."
"Why?" he asks. "So you can run to Logan and have some kind of justification for what happened last night. That's not what I'm about. You made a decision on your own Max, and I'm not making excuses for you."
"That's not what I meant. . ."
"Than what do you mean? You want me to go talk to Logan and tell him it's all my fault? Tell him I took advantage of you? You want me to lie and deny that you're a whore who'll do any guy who can touch her?"
I react with a punch, so hard and fast that he stumbles a little and raises a hand to his throbbing jaw. "That was a mistake, Maxie."
"Yeah, well so were you!" I say and hit him again, this time a well-placed kick to the shins. He winces, but doesn't fall; instead he kicks out and my legs collapse underneath me. "You were a mistake," I snarl as I get up. "I thought I saw something in you. I thought you were different, but you're just as much of an ass as ever. There's nothing good in you. That was an act this morning, pretending to be upset when I wouldn't talk about last night. You just wanted my sympathy, my pity so I'd come back for more. Well guess what? It worked. I do feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for you because you're nothing but a Manticore tool who can't think for himself or feel anything or do anything right if he tried--."
He slaps me, so hard that my head snaps back and smacks against the wall. I kick him viciously and he retaliates with a punch. We go at it like animals, duking it out in the confines of a luxury elevator. He hits me and I hit back; he kicks me and I do the same to him. It's weird, this physical fight of ours. To anyone else it would be domestic violence, but it's therapy for us. The animal instinct in both of us drives us to react primitively, to do things normal humans don't do. It's on of the many things that separate us from normal people, the animal impulses running through our veins. He hits me again and I kick him one last time, right in the groin, and he collapses in a heap on the ground. I stand over him in victory, but I don't feel very victorious. It felt good to hit him, to pay him back for all he put me through today, but there's something missing. There's no joy in my victory. I look at this battered body and all I want to do is take him in my arms and soothe away his pain.
He struggles to roll over and stares up at me, the look in his eyes surprisingly flat. "You okay?" I ask him and he smiles tightly.
"I'm always okay."
I bend down and offer him a hand, but he declines. He looks at me strangely and lifts a hand to skim his fingers over my cheek. My skin is swollen and I wince from his touch. "I did that?" he asks roughly.
"I'll heal," I say coolly. I wait for him to get up, but he just stays there, on the floor, unmoving. "Alec?" I say hesitantly. "Are you sure you're okay?"
To my surprise, tears form in his eyes and spill down his cheeks. "I'm sorry," he says. "I'm so sorry." All the anger seeps out of my body and I carefully sit down next to him. I saw it this morning when he left my apartment with such pain in his eyes: his heart is beginning to unfreeze. Everything Manticore taught him is melting away and the emotions are hitting him like a tidal wave.
"I don't understand, Maxie," he says, his voice laced with emotion. "What's happening to me?"
I wrap my arms around him and rest my head on his shoulder, gently running my fingers through his hair. "You're feeling," I say softly and press a kiss to his temple.
"I feel like I'm drowning. I don't know which way is up anymore."
"I know," I say sympathetically. "But you will. Give it time, Alec. You're just waking up."
"From what?"
"From the dream that's Manticore. They do things to you, freeze your heart and soul and every part of you that feels."
He rolls over and faces me, his blue eyes locking with my brown ones. There's pain there, and confusion. . .and hope. "I don't want to wake up. I like things the way they are."
"Yes, you do," I insist. "Remember last night when you yelled at me for calling you heartless? Remember when you said you like the life you have, all the things you're experiencing, the freedom you have here? I know you remember. We'll take things slowly, a little at a time."
"I don't like this," he says angrily. "I don't like not being in control. Look what you did to me, Maxie. I don't know who I am anymore."
"You will know," I say. "With time everything will make sense. I was just like you when I got out. It's confusing and scary, but I'll help you through it. I've already done this, Alec. I know what it's like to have to face the real world. Manticore prepares you for a lot of things, but they don't prepare you for being human. They forget that despite all our special engineering and genes, we're human underneath. All the training you receive. . .nothing prepares you for what it's like on the outside."
He looks at me through watery blue eyes. "Something changed last night. When I kissed you, it wasn't about love. You were pissing me off and I wanted to shut you up. But then I kissed you. . .and something snapped inside me. I don't know what happened, but something changed. I still wanted you. . .but it was different. I've never cared about any other woman I've been with, not like last night. I put you first. . .that's never happened before. I started caring about someone else, putting another person's wants above mine. I got to work this morning and nothing seems the same. I don't see the world the same way anymore and it's freaking me out. I'm scared, Maxie," he says bleakly and his eyes cloud with tears.
I hug him to me and tuck my head into the crook of his neck. I stroke his hair and let him cry, holding him while his shoulders shake and his body trembles. "I love you," I say softly and can't help but smile as I say the words. It's the first time I've realized it, that I feel something more for Alec than annoyance and disgust. I love him. It just seems right to me, to love this broken man that reminds me so much of myself and needs my help. I can make him better, to show him there's more to this world than being a perfect soldier. I was lucky to find Logan to show me the right path. Now it's my turn to do the same for Alec.
He struggles to a sitting position and pulls out of my arms. "I don't love you," he whispers and for an instant the bottom drops out of my world. "But I could," he continues. "If you help me. I don't know what love is Max, but I was thinking. . .you could show me. You could show me how to love you."
I don't know whether to laugh or cry. It's funny, how much can change in the course of a day. Yesterday morning I woke up hating Alec and everything he stands for. . .twenty-four hours later I can't imagine a day without him. I want to help him learn to love. I need to help him learn to love.
"I love you," I whisper. "I don't want to, but I do. You love me too." I reach up and brush my fingers across his cheek and his eyes close. He breathes in deeply, his skin heating up under my touch. "I'll show you how to love, Alec. I'll make you see how wonderful it is."
"How did you know?" he asks raggedly, his voice barely more than a whisper. "How did you know what love is?"
"I didn't," I say softly. "I didn't know until I met you. I thought I was in love with Logan. He's been so good to me and kind and gentle. He helped shape me into the person I am today and I'm grateful to him. I thought I loved him, but what I felt was gratitude and thankfulness; I didn't understand that love isn't about gratitude. I care about Logan. I enjoy his company and I need his advice, his friendship in my life--but I don't love him. Love is different. When I'm with Logan I'm happy, but I'm never really comfortable. I feel like I have to hide things from him, things he can't understand. He tries to see beyond my past, the primal instincts Manticore bred in me--but he can't. Every time I steal something, even if it's for the right reasons, I hate that disappointed look he gets in his eyes. Or when I go ballistic on a bad guy and kick the crap out of him. . .no matter how hard he tries, he can't hide how horrified he is. He doesn't understand me, not the way I need to be understood. He sees Manticore as an excuse for why I'm the way am, but it's not an excuse. It's an explanation, but it's not an excuse. Manticore is something he'll never understand. He doesn't understand what it's like to be different, to never really fit in. But when I'm with you. . .everything is different. I don't have to hide things from you or explain them. I feel right when I'm with you, Alec. I don't just care about you. I love you. When we had that fight this morning and I realized I might not have you in my life anymore. . .it scared me to death. I didn't realize for so long how much you mean to me. I overlooked how much I rely on your help, how much I enjoy your obnoxious comments because it means you're thinking about me; I didn't realize how much I look out for you or worry about you. . .or pray for your safety. I'm afraid to see you hurt and when you're in pain, I feel it here, where it hurts," I say and press his hand against my rapidly beating heart.
"I love you, Alec, for who you are, what you are. . .what you can be. I'll wait for you, for as long as it takes."
He takes my hand in his, gently rubbing his thumb along my palm. "I'm sorry, Maxie."
"For what?" I ask.
"For not being able to say what you want to hear. I'm sorry I can't tell you I--."
I hold a finger to his lips and stop him in mid-sentence. "Shhh," I whisper. "You've said enough already. You need to give it time, Alec. I told you I'd wait for you and I mean it."
He nods stiffly and raises a hand to cup my cheek. He kisses me tenderly and I melt into him. He pulls away and looks in my eyes. "Do you think you could hold me for a while?" he asks. The look in his eyes is so vulnerable and despondent that takes everything in me not to cry along with him.
I smile warmly and wrap my arms around him. He leans his head against my shoulder and collapses against me. I gently rub his back, knowing how much he needs a human touch right now. I look up, at the painted ceiling and cracked mirrored walls and memorize every detail of the ruined elevator to remember what happened here. Two hours ago, when we got in this elevator, I wanted to turn back time and erase what happened last night--but now I never want to forget. I don't know what's in store for Alec and me, if we'll even make it as a couple. . .but I know I want to try.
~ * ~
Please, please, please respond!
First note, I began this story before "The Berisford Agenda" aired, so everything that happened in that episode doesn't apply to this story. Second, I am sooooooo sorry for the delay in chapters. I had a terrible case of writer's block and I missed a few episodes of "Dark Angel" so lost my inspiration for a while. I've also had an unbelievable amount of work that's kept me from writing. I just watched my tape of "Borrowed Time," got inspired, and started a new chapter. Thank you for all your wonderful, wonderful responses and I'm so glad you like my story. I hope you enjoy this chapter too!!!
~ * ~
"Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give-- which is everything." - Anon
~ * ~
I turn off the waterworks right after Alec storms out. I cry for a full minute or two, and when I finally stop, I'm surprised with myself. I'm not the kind of girl who cries or whines or complains about her miserable life. I'm a born trooper, so I suck it up and shut up and pretend nothing's wrong. But something's very wrong. What happened with Alec changed everything for me. The things he makes me feel. . .they're so foreign I can't even describe them. I thought I loved Logan. I built my life around Logan, around fighting the virus that prevents us from touching. But now. . .all those things I thought were so important seem so meaningless. My thoughts are of Alec now, not Logan. I still want to cure the virus, so I don't kill Logan by accidentally touching him, but it's not the same anymore. I don't love him; I'm not sure I ever loved him. I think I was in love with the idea of being in love, of having the ability to love.
Manticore didn't prepare me for the kinds of things that happened last night. I know how to be the perfect solider, to close off my mind and focus on the task at hand--they never taught me how to be a human being. All the things that make me who I am: my attitude, my stubbornness, my compassion. . . my ability to love--I learned them on my own. I came out of Manticore an emotionless, unaffected girl. . .and ten years later I'm a loving, caring woman. I know what it's like not to feel, to run from everything that threatens to crack my hard façade. I know what it's like to be afraid to let people in, to give them the power to hurt me. I spent so many years fighting the memories of my past, the pain I suffered at Manticore's hands. I lived by my own code and did what was best for me. . until I stole from the wrong person and everything changed.
Logan Cale took me into his life and gave me a purpose. Suddenly, it wasn't all about me anymore. There were other people to worry about, good deeds to perform. I got a job and made friends, people I love more than anything in life. Logan, Original Cindy, Sketchy, Kendra, even Normal. . .they've all helped shape me into the person I am today. I look at Alec and see the girl I was two years ago. He's so bitter, bitter and angry. . .and afraid. I could see it in his eyes this morning when he left, that hint of fear and regret and confusion. He doesn't understand what it's like to feel, to be hurt. At Manticore you don't have emotions or feelings, just genetic programming. He doesn't understand what's happening to him, what it's like to care about someone else.
Original Cindy pokes her head in and frowns when she sees the tear tracks on my cheeks. "You okay, Boo?" she asks. "You don't look too good. Want me to cover your run today?"
I shake my head and brush the remaining tears from my cheeks. "I'm fine. I need to go to work. I can't pay rent if I don't get paid."
"You sure?" she asks.
"Positive. It'll distract me from kicking the crap out Alec. OC, really, I'm fine. Go ahead. I'll meet you at work."
Her frown deepens and there's reluctance in her eyes, but she leaves. I wait until the door slams behind her before I get out of bed. I clean up the apartment a little and each movement brings back a memory. I throw out my torn tank and remake the bed, all awhile wondering how things went from being so wonderful to so crappy. I quickly shower and dress for work, hoping I don't run into Alec at Jam Pony. The last thing I need is a replay of this morning. I just need to get through work so I can spend a few hours with my "baby" and think. I'm not ready to face Alec, not until I have time on my own to work things out and figure out what to do about him.
~ * ~
Unfortunately, fate has other plans. I get to work just before nine and Normal starts riding my ass the instant I walk through the door.
"You're late," he snaps as he looks at his watch. "That's one hour pay docked."
"It's 8:59," I say smugly and point to the clock on the wall. "You're watch is off, so technically, I'm on time. That's NO pay docked."
He opens his mouth to say something, but realizes his wrong and snaps it shut. "Fine," he says dejectedly. "Get to work."
I shake my head at this antics and walk towards the back where the lockers are. Alec is already there, leaning against his locker talking to Lucy, the newest messenger. Like most of Alec's girls Lucy is cute and blond with enormous breasts. . .and nothing in the way of brains. He seems to like them that way, attractive, but not smart enough to talk back. He never invests much in his girlfriends and he makes it clear not to expect anything of him. I can see his allure: he's young, he's hot, he's good at flattery and praise. . .and it's easy to think you can make him fall in love with you. They don't know he won't fall in love, that he can't fall in love because he doesn't know how. He stiffens as I approach and leans into Lucy. She eats it up and bats her eyelashes at him. A grin curves the fullness of his lips and he whispers something in her ear.
I slam my locker shut and they jump apart. Alec sees me and smiles mockingly. He throws an arm around Lucy's shoulders and leans back against the lockers.
"Morning, Maxie," he says casually, as if nothing life-changing happened between us an hour ago.
"Morning," I growl. "Shouldn't you be starting your run by now?" I say and roll my eyes at Lucy. She glares at me and sticks her tongue out. It figures Alec would find a girl with the maturity level of a two-year-old.
"Actually," he says nonchalantly. "I was waiting for you."
"Why?" I say suspiciously.
"Because you're my partner today. Got a big package to deliver and Normal insisted on sending his best messenger with his favorite boxer. Get your bike. We're late and I have plans for after work; I'm not doing overtime."
"You're serious?" I say in astonishment. "We're really working together today?"
"Is your super-hearing not working? Yes, we're doing a run together. Get your bike and let's go!" He storms away angrily, slamming a locker shut on his way.
Lucy glares at me again. "Thanks for nothing!" she yells. "I had him wrapped around my little finger and you blew everything! I hope your day sucks!" she cries and stomps away, her blond ponytail swishing furiously behind her.
I sink back against a locker and wonder how it all came to this. I don't care if Lucy loves me or hates me, but I'm worried about Alec. He's so angry with me and the last thing either of us needs is to share a run today. I think we might spontaneously combust if we're alone together--and not in a good way. All the passion we experienced last night has been replaced with anger and something bad's going to happen before anything good.
~ * ~
I stare at Alec's leather-clad back as I pedal a few feet behind him, the "important" package strapped to my back. His shoulders are tense with repressed anger and I'm afraid he'll break off his handlebars if he doesn't loosen his grip. The first lady we delivered a package to barely opened her door once she got sight of the feral look in his eyes. He looks like an animal on the hunt. . .and I'm the pray. It's only a matter of time before he catches up with me.
Ten minutes later he stops at an apartment building and I nearly crash my bike to avoid hitting him. I glare at him and silently follow him into the elevator. He presses a button and clasps his hands behind his back, whistling softly. "Could you please stop that?" I say curtly.
"Why? Is it bothering you?"
"Yes," I hiss. "Stop!" He only whistles louder and I resist the urge to kick him. "At least be nice this time," I say. "You nearly scared that last woman half to death."
"Whatever," he says indifferently. "It's not my job to be nice."
"Well, it's my job to get tips and I don't get any if you're a raging asshole."
"Tough," he responds. "I'm not in the mood to be nice today."
"Well I am," I say angrily. "And I want tips so you'd better be on your best behavior!"
His fist slams out and for a second I think he's going to hit me. He hits a button and the elevator slams to a stop. He advances on me, his eyes dark with anger and hurt. "Stop pushing me, Maxie," he says heatedly. "I'm warning you. I'm not in the mood to play."
"Lucky for you, I am," I say intensely and move to face him. "We need to work this out."
"Why?" he asks. "So you can run to Logan and have some kind of justification for what happened last night. That's not what I'm about. You made a decision on your own Max, and I'm not making excuses for you."
"That's not what I meant. . ."
"Than what do you mean? You want me to go talk to Logan and tell him it's all my fault? Tell him I took advantage of you? You want me to lie and deny that you're a whore who'll do any guy who can touch her?"
I react with a punch, so hard and fast that he stumbles a little and raises a hand to his throbbing jaw. "That was a mistake, Maxie."
"Yeah, well so were you!" I say and hit him again, this time a well-placed kick to the shins. He winces, but doesn't fall; instead he kicks out and my legs collapse underneath me. "You were a mistake," I snarl as I get up. "I thought I saw something in you. I thought you were different, but you're just as much of an ass as ever. There's nothing good in you. That was an act this morning, pretending to be upset when I wouldn't talk about last night. You just wanted my sympathy, my pity so I'd come back for more. Well guess what? It worked. I do feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for you because you're nothing but a Manticore tool who can't think for himself or feel anything or do anything right if he tried--."
He slaps me, so hard that my head snaps back and smacks against the wall. I kick him viciously and he retaliates with a punch. We go at it like animals, duking it out in the confines of a luxury elevator. He hits me and I hit back; he kicks me and I do the same to him. It's weird, this physical fight of ours. To anyone else it would be domestic violence, but it's therapy for us. The animal instinct in both of us drives us to react primitively, to do things normal humans don't do. It's on of the many things that separate us from normal people, the animal impulses running through our veins. He hits me again and I kick him one last time, right in the groin, and he collapses in a heap on the ground. I stand over him in victory, but I don't feel very victorious. It felt good to hit him, to pay him back for all he put me through today, but there's something missing. There's no joy in my victory. I look at this battered body and all I want to do is take him in my arms and soothe away his pain.
He struggles to roll over and stares up at me, the look in his eyes surprisingly flat. "You okay?" I ask him and he smiles tightly.
"I'm always okay."
I bend down and offer him a hand, but he declines. He looks at me strangely and lifts a hand to skim his fingers over my cheek. My skin is swollen and I wince from his touch. "I did that?" he asks roughly.
"I'll heal," I say coolly. I wait for him to get up, but he just stays there, on the floor, unmoving. "Alec?" I say hesitantly. "Are you sure you're okay?"
To my surprise, tears form in his eyes and spill down his cheeks. "I'm sorry," he says. "I'm so sorry." All the anger seeps out of my body and I carefully sit down next to him. I saw it this morning when he left my apartment with such pain in his eyes: his heart is beginning to unfreeze. Everything Manticore taught him is melting away and the emotions are hitting him like a tidal wave.
"I don't understand, Maxie," he says, his voice laced with emotion. "What's happening to me?"
I wrap my arms around him and rest my head on his shoulder, gently running my fingers through his hair. "You're feeling," I say softly and press a kiss to his temple.
"I feel like I'm drowning. I don't know which way is up anymore."
"I know," I say sympathetically. "But you will. Give it time, Alec. You're just waking up."
"From what?"
"From the dream that's Manticore. They do things to you, freeze your heart and soul and every part of you that feels."
He rolls over and faces me, his blue eyes locking with my brown ones. There's pain there, and confusion. . .and hope. "I don't want to wake up. I like things the way they are."
"Yes, you do," I insist. "Remember last night when you yelled at me for calling you heartless? Remember when you said you like the life you have, all the things you're experiencing, the freedom you have here? I know you remember. We'll take things slowly, a little at a time."
"I don't like this," he says angrily. "I don't like not being in control. Look what you did to me, Maxie. I don't know who I am anymore."
"You will know," I say. "With time everything will make sense. I was just like you when I got out. It's confusing and scary, but I'll help you through it. I've already done this, Alec. I know what it's like to have to face the real world. Manticore prepares you for a lot of things, but they don't prepare you for being human. They forget that despite all our special engineering and genes, we're human underneath. All the training you receive. . .nothing prepares you for what it's like on the outside."
He looks at me through watery blue eyes. "Something changed last night. When I kissed you, it wasn't about love. You were pissing me off and I wanted to shut you up. But then I kissed you. . .and something snapped inside me. I don't know what happened, but something changed. I still wanted you. . .but it was different. I've never cared about any other woman I've been with, not like last night. I put you first. . .that's never happened before. I started caring about someone else, putting another person's wants above mine. I got to work this morning and nothing seems the same. I don't see the world the same way anymore and it's freaking me out. I'm scared, Maxie," he says bleakly and his eyes cloud with tears.
I hug him to me and tuck my head into the crook of his neck. I stroke his hair and let him cry, holding him while his shoulders shake and his body trembles. "I love you," I say softly and can't help but smile as I say the words. It's the first time I've realized it, that I feel something more for Alec than annoyance and disgust. I love him. It just seems right to me, to love this broken man that reminds me so much of myself and needs my help. I can make him better, to show him there's more to this world than being a perfect soldier. I was lucky to find Logan to show me the right path. Now it's my turn to do the same for Alec.
He struggles to a sitting position and pulls out of my arms. "I don't love you," he whispers and for an instant the bottom drops out of my world. "But I could," he continues. "If you help me. I don't know what love is Max, but I was thinking. . .you could show me. You could show me how to love you."
I don't know whether to laugh or cry. It's funny, how much can change in the course of a day. Yesterday morning I woke up hating Alec and everything he stands for. . .twenty-four hours later I can't imagine a day without him. I want to help him learn to love. I need to help him learn to love.
"I love you," I whisper. "I don't want to, but I do. You love me too." I reach up and brush my fingers across his cheek and his eyes close. He breathes in deeply, his skin heating up under my touch. "I'll show you how to love, Alec. I'll make you see how wonderful it is."
"How did you know?" he asks raggedly, his voice barely more than a whisper. "How did you know what love is?"
"I didn't," I say softly. "I didn't know until I met you. I thought I was in love with Logan. He's been so good to me and kind and gentle. He helped shape me into the person I am today and I'm grateful to him. I thought I loved him, but what I felt was gratitude and thankfulness; I didn't understand that love isn't about gratitude. I care about Logan. I enjoy his company and I need his advice, his friendship in my life--but I don't love him. Love is different. When I'm with Logan I'm happy, but I'm never really comfortable. I feel like I have to hide things from him, things he can't understand. He tries to see beyond my past, the primal instincts Manticore bred in me--but he can't. Every time I steal something, even if it's for the right reasons, I hate that disappointed look he gets in his eyes. Or when I go ballistic on a bad guy and kick the crap out of him. . .no matter how hard he tries, he can't hide how horrified he is. He doesn't understand me, not the way I need to be understood. He sees Manticore as an excuse for why I'm the way am, but it's not an excuse. It's an explanation, but it's not an excuse. Manticore is something he'll never understand. He doesn't understand what it's like to be different, to never really fit in. But when I'm with you. . .everything is different. I don't have to hide things from you or explain them. I feel right when I'm with you, Alec. I don't just care about you. I love you. When we had that fight this morning and I realized I might not have you in my life anymore. . .it scared me to death. I didn't realize for so long how much you mean to me. I overlooked how much I rely on your help, how much I enjoy your obnoxious comments because it means you're thinking about me; I didn't realize how much I look out for you or worry about you. . .or pray for your safety. I'm afraid to see you hurt and when you're in pain, I feel it here, where it hurts," I say and press his hand against my rapidly beating heart.
"I love you, Alec, for who you are, what you are. . .what you can be. I'll wait for you, for as long as it takes."
He takes my hand in his, gently rubbing his thumb along my palm. "I'm sorry, Maxie."
"For what?" I ask.
"For not being able to say what you want to hear. I'm sorry I can't tell you I--."
I hold a finger to his lips and stop him in mid-sentence. "Shhh," I whisper. "You've said enough already. You need to give it time, Alec. I told you I'd wait for you and I mean it."
He nods stiffly and raises a hand to cup my cheek. He kisses me tenderly and I melt into him. He pulls away and looks in my eyes. "Do you think you could hold me for a while?" he asks. The look in his eyes is so vulnerable and despondent that takes everything in me not to cry along with him.
I smile warmly and wrap my arms around him. He leans his head against my shoulder and collapses against me. I gently rub his back, knowing how much he needs a human touch right now. I look up, at the painted ceiling and cracked mirrored walls and memorize every detail of the ruined elevator to remember what happened here. Two hours ago, when we got in this elevator, I wanted to turn back time and erase what happened last night--but now I never want to forget. I don't know what's in store for Alec and me, if we'll even make it as a couple. . .but I know I want to try.
~ * ~
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