Disclaimer: Crackfics are bad for your health and I do not own Mai HiME!

(A/N: In the FanFiction world, there are two kinds of humor: the kind of humor that uses actual wit to win over the intelligent crowd, and the kind of humor that throws as many pop culture references as possible until one of them makes somebody laugh. This is the latter.)

Gambling with hearts is perfectly legal!

It was yet another perfect day at perfect Fuka Academy where all the perfect students were enjoying the aftermath of their happy ending. Well, save one Natsuki Kuga. You see, Natsuki, a blue haired, viridian eyed beauty, had been too busy saving the world and therefore lacked enough school credits to pass. Even Natsuki Kuga, who risked her life in order to ensure the world's balance, shouldn't be able to pass due to her delinquent status. And so, the femme fatale with shoulder long sapphire strands walked the halls with her usual Fuka uniform and her usual pout.

However, Natsuki could feel her other problem following her. During the catastrophic events, she realized that certain amber haired, ruby eyed, always troublesome Shizuru Fujino loved her. Unfortunately, Natsuki couldn't return Shizuru's feelings back to her. And thus, wearing the same bright yellow uniform with the same cardboard brown miniskirt, Shizuru began following Natsuki around. Constantly. Always. Yes, even in the restroom. At first, Natsuki tried to ignore such stalking, but the graduate refused to stop stalking her.

Natsuki easily paid the price for having such a popular figure follow her. Rumors had spread on how President Fujino began to stalk the femme fatale. There were rumors that the two had a lover's tiff and Natsuki refused to speak to Shizuru. Other rumors suggested that Shizuru had become the needy one in the relationship where as Natsuki played hard-to-get.

Then there were the rumors where one night, Natsuki and Shizuru met at a seedy motel. There, it is suggested that Natsuki began to take off her miniskirt, slowly. Then, President Fujino ran her thin fingers through Natsuki's blue strands and kissed them softly. Then came the suggestion that Shizuru unhooked Natsuki's black bra and began to massage her wonderful, full-

"Stop right there, you preview!"

"It's pervert, Haruka-chan!"

"As I was saying, you are in violation of 's policy! This fanfiction is rated T for Timid!"

"It's actually Teen, Haruka-chan!"

"Whatever! How dare you write smut like this, you dirty Peeking Trent!"

"It's peeping Tom, Haruka-chan!"

And the Narrator said, "Stop ruining the narrative by breaking the Fourth wall! Now leave and don't come back until I say so!"

(Ahem). As of today, Natsuki was up to her limit. Now, she wanted nothing more than to be rid of Shizuru's stalking, and possible theft of undergarments. One day, while walking through the lockers of Fuka Academy, Natsuki turned around and looked Shizuru in the eye.

"Okay, Shizuru." She asserted herself with a firm stance and a taut face. "Enough is enough. If you don't leave me alone, I might have to take a restraining order on you."

"Ara, ara." The president said in her perfect Kyoto-ben accent. "Does my Natsuki not like me following her around?"

The sapphire hair girl didn't take kindly to possessives, especially those that referred to her. She took a deep breath and began again.

"Could you please not talk like that? It really annoys me."

"Oh my! Would you ratha have me talkin' like thisss, my Natski?" The President said in a thick Southern drawl.

"No no no!" The femme fatale said quickly. "Japanese! Japanese!"

"Ara. Ara." Shizuru's quick change gave a great deal of relief to Natsuki, as well as many other fans. Still, Natsuki had to remain firm in her resolve.

"Look, Shizuru. I like you."

"Like me enough to kiss me?"

"Dammit!" Unfortunately, Natsuki had a terrible habit of losing her calm. "Stop twisting my words around! I mean it. I respect you, but if you keep following me, I don't think we can even talk as friends."

Shizuru was taken aback by this statement. She wasn't sure if she could lose Natsuki like that.

"Let's make a bet, my Natsuki."

"A bet?" The emerald eyed beauty repeated.

"Yes. If Natsuki will go on a date with me one evening, and she doesn't return my feelings, I will stop following her."

"Fair enough. But what do you get out of this deal?"

"Natsuki will have to hold hands with me while walking to class for one week." After Shizuru finished her sentence, the only word that could describe Natsuki's face was crimson. As the blood rushed to her face, she stuttered her words until she had finally settled down.

"Okay, fine! But I'm warning you, I can be pretty strong willed."

"How about Saturday at 5 P.M? I'll wait at my house, ara ara."

"It's a deal." Finally, Natsuki took control of the situation. For one, she finally had gotten things under her grasp.

"Natsuki?"

"What is it?"

"You're late for class." Okay, maybe she didn't have everything under control.

"Dammit, Shizuru!" Natsuki sprinted for her next class. As Shizuru left the hall, no one noticed the little cat girl with a pair of midnight collectable panties on her head.

Mai Tohika led a fairly simple life. She worked part-time, she sang karaoke, she made ramen for a cat girl. For the most part, it was neither hard nor stressful. It the sort of mediocrity someone needed after the emotional stress of saving the world. Even in their new apartment, the orange haired, well-endowed girl had finished fresh ramen for her and her roommate. As she laid chopsticks on the bowls, she heard a loud knocking at her apartment door.

"Mikoto?" She asked curiously, expecting a response. The door's banging grew louder.

"Mikoto, if you're in an orange jumpsuit shouting 'Rasengan' again, I'm not letting you in."

The door burst open to find the cat-girl on her paws. At first, the feral one began to circle around Mai several times before finally stooping right below her. Mai looked curiously as her roommate began making odd gestures pointing outside the door.

"Nya. Nya-Nya. Nyaaaaa."

It was during these times Mai wished she hadn't resuscitated the girl that gave her so much pain. "I told you it doesn't work like that, Mikoto. If you want to speak to me, you have to speak normally."

"Nya! Nya-Nyaaa-Nya. Nya."

Mai sighed. She was running out of screen time, as usual. "Okay, sounds like...tea leaf."

There Mikoto gave a howl like a wolf and scratched her ear with her leg.

"Tea Leaf and Wolf. Oh! President and Natsuki..." Then Mikoto went to the refrigerator, grabbed several items including French Vanilla ice cream, chocolate syrup, cherries and nuts.

"I should never have told you how to make a sundae, should I?"

Then the cat-girl fixed up a rather eloquent dessert with dressings. Of which, she picked a single nut and showed it to her.

"Date? Oh, the President and Natsuki are going on a date. Wait, the President and Natsuki are going on a date?!"

Mikoto shook her head furiously.

"Well, that's good for them. I mean, it's none of our business, but-"

"Follow." The feral one said quickly.

"What?"

"Natsuki doesn't accept President as her mate. So I'm going to follow them."

Mai's imagination got the better of her. The last time Mikoto was let off her leash she ate several hot dogs without paying, ran over several civilians and got a 5 star rating from the Fuka Justice Department. Luckily, she didn't get caught. And since Mai was legally responsible for her (long story short: Mikoto was Mai's 'cousin'), she had to make sure that Mikoto didn't cause any more mayhem than usual.

"Uhh...I better go with you, just to be safe."

"Mai will follow?" Mikoto smiled genuinely.

"I will, but only if you promise me that you won't gather more people on this quest of yours."

"Mai will follow!" Mikoto cheered as she downed her fresh ramen.

And with a fanfare, the words, "TOHIKA MAI has joined your party!" appeared.

"Oh, good grief."