Flipside
Chapter 5: LOLZ?
By Nan00k
"I think the appropriate thing to say in a situation like this is, 'you're retarded; go die.'" ~my sister

The last chapter (holy crap, did I just finish a story?), in which the wedding day arrives! But oh noes, here comes Starscream! D:

On a happier note, we get to see 'Cade in a tux?

.

Warnings: Utter crack, original characters, foul language, violence, mild out of character-ness, spoilers for 2007 movie, first person point of view
Disclaimer: Transformers is owned by Hasbro/Dreamworks. I only write this mess.

.

Weddings are a horror no sane person should ever willingly go through. I'm not sure if I will ever get married (or even live to reach that point in a relationship), but we're eloping in Vegas and the bellhop will be the best man. End of story.

In any case, Emily was no bridezilla, thank GOD, but her mother was a different story. I actually felt pity for Barricade, putting up with an over-obsessive mother-in-law. I think if Aunt Kara knew how close he came to transforming in their living room and stomping her to death, she wouldn't have been so cranky about his decision to leave out a best man, or his general less-than-friendly appearance all the time. If she only knew. If only.

The day before the wedding, I found myself alone with the man for the first time since our meeting at the park. It wasn't as awkward as I thought it was going to be. We were mostly discussing things about the wedding, since Emily was out with her girlfriends for a last night out (of course I didn't go, I was still in high school). Somehow, discussions of tables melted away into a semi-awkward silence as we stared out at the evening sky as I waited for my mother to come pick me up.

It could have been a weirder situation, I had to admit grimly.

"You sure you're going to do this?" I asked, quietly, glancing over at Barricade. We were both out on Emily's apartment's balcony. It had a lovely view of the train station.

He didn't even look at me. "Yes." He was a man of few words.

"…Well…" I began, and then sighed. "Okay."

"No last snark?" he asked, sarcastic, peering at me out of the corner of his eye. Judging. Waiting.

There were a lot of things I wanted to tell him, but I wasn't too sure how safe I was from being murdered if I went too far. "I'm happy that Emily's happy," I replied, which was true. I leaned against the railing, heaving another sigh. "She could have done worse."

Barricade snorted. "I'm sure."

"Yeah. I've had nightmares that it had actually been some crazy dude like Megatron or Shockwave." I grimaced, pictures flashing across my mind of both mechs. "Oh, God, terrible images."

The alien rolled his non-alien eyes. "Right."

That was probably the closest encounter we had without any yelling or screaming. I was significantly less stressed out by the time morning came around. It was a fresh start for a lot of reasons. The wedding was taking place at a local golf course. It was a beautiful day, really, and even I had to admit, I was a little excited.

"Alright, the flowers go over there," I instructed my cousins, who were making last minute arrangements on the pseudo-altar they had set up. Barricade was lingering by the edge of the stage, wearing his usual sour-face. It was an irritating moment for him because Emily was off getting ready and he was forced to interact with the normal humans. What a shame.

Looking out at the seats, I could see a mix of people on both sides of the center aisle. I smiled to myself, happy to note that Emily had agreed with my suggestion and let anyone sit wherever, as opposed to the groom's family on one side and the bride's on the other.

'Cause, you know, Barricade didn't have anyone. He had told her to forget about it, so this was the better solution. My family just thought he was an orphan or something. I forget how many stories Barricade actually had to come up with to stay believable. I secretly hoped he screwed up after a while; he was too sneaking for his own good.

Speaking of the 'Con… I smiled up at him, even though he only scowled back; I knew he was excited, too. After three months of watching him literally put up with squishy hell, he was either the best undercover agent in the world with the worst cover ever, or he genuinely cared for the whole marriage thing. Either way, I was excited for the wedding. I worked my ass off on those decorations, so yeah, it was going to be awesome.

However, I had seemed to forget a key fact about not only the wedding, the groom and myself, but the general way fate was working for me as of that moment. No longer was I to be spared from spontaneously ridiculous situations that arose from no where and had no real purpose other than to make my life, once so mundane, into something akin to a giant alien robot soap opera.

We were ten minutes to starting the wedding ceremony, and I was about to head back to the bride's grouping to get in line—when suddenly, abruptly and without warning, a jet screamed overhead.

A jet could have been an expected occurrence; we were only two miles from an airport.

But something—something deep within my gut—told me to look again. The black dot making circles overhead had to have been something more than just a random jet. I prayed that I was wrong. It vanished from the sky, but I waited.

I froze, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw Barricade tense. I looked up at the tree line, feeling extremely uneasy. Something in my gut told me that something bad was going to happen. The roaring sound came closer and closer. I heard Barricade inhale sharply.

"Starscream," I whispered, staring up imploringly at the sky, as if begging it to tell me it was a lie.

Barricade said nothing, neither to confirm my fear nor to deny it.

Then, overhead, the jet shot over, much, much closer this time. I jumped back, stifling a scream. Barricade cursed lowly and moved to the side. His eyes never left the jet as it disappeared overhead behind some trees. I mimicked him, and kept an eye on the fleeting aircraft. I heard someone in the audience murmur how annoying it was to be so close to the airport with all the low flying jets.

You have no idea, I answered mentally. My skin felt clammy as I tried to think it over rationally. There was no way any of us could do anything to stop the Decepticon if he tried to attack. Barricade would not want to transform in front of everyone, let alone his wife-to-be, who was waiting just beyond that arch at the other end of the walkway.

"I'll distract him," I said suddenly.

"You'll what?" Barricade demanded, shooting me a wild look.

"I'll throw rocks at him or something. Get him to pull over." Briefly, I realized how ridiculous I sounded. My mind was numb to self-criticism at the moment, however. I had finally accepted this reality as my own, and I was not about to let some surly and narcissistic fighter jet from Mars ruin the wedding ceremony that I had spent so much energy into helping to create.

Barricade scoffed. "He'd kill you without hesitation," he said. So, it had been Starscream. My hopes of just being overly dramatic died.

"Well, would you rather strike up a brawl right here and now on the altar?" I hissed angrily, looking at him.

Instead of answering, he walked away. He walked passed the priest and the line of ladies in waiting. Instantly, hushed whispers bombarded the air. Everyone did not know where the surly groom was suddenly stalking off to, but I did. I wasn't thinking very clearly then, but I do remember hoisting up my dress and running after him.

"What are you doing?" I demanded, ignoring the startled looks of my family.

He shot a dark look over his shoulder. We were heading away from the assembled group, and towards the golf course parking lot. "Starscream is looking for me," he said. "I will lead him away."

"You're walking out on your own wedding!" I cried, disbelief in my eyes and voice.

"And saving the lot of you!" he replied sharply.

His words caused me to stop on the path. I watched him walk several feet ahead, before he stopped too, noticing I was no longer following him. His dark, terrifying eyes met my own and suddenly—

A lot of things made sense.

"Maybe this isn't like the movie," I said so suddenly, I startled myself.

Barricade flinched and looked at me, his eyes narrowing. "What?" he demanded.

I gave him a small smile. "The movies and the books gave us such a narrow-minded perspective about the Decepticons. Obviously…you're not totally evil. You…can be nice."

Because books and movies were only telling the story of the hero, of the winner, just like history books. There was only defined good and evil because you never got to hear the evil side's story. The books and films…they never bothered to show what the bad guys were thinking. There was never a chance to assume the bad guys were just…people. Just like everyone else.

"You don't start a civil war for the hell of it," I said suddenly. I was only partially focused on the stunned Decepticon. My mind was caught up in my own revelations. "You don't risk your life just for someone else's dreams. You… and the other Decepticons… were fighting for something once."

For their own riches, their own dreams, their own freedoms and concerns. That was not inhuman. That was not evil.

Barricade stared at me with a guarded expression. I smiled sadly, finally understanding a war I had once considered black and white myself.

"And now you're fighting for us." For some of the creatures he had once been ready to massacre. He was willing to risk life and limb once again, not for a rebellion, but to lure his ex-leader away from those unimportant humans.

All because he fell in love.

"Let's do this," I said, nodding. If a Decepticon could be brave—well, damn it, so could I.

Barricade stared at me for a second, and then, jaw tensing, turned away again. He began to look in his pockets furiously for something. I watched him, not sure what he was going to do next, until he found what he had been looking for.

"What are you…" I began, but then I noticed he was holding up a square silver object. "Is that the converter?"

"Yes," Barricade replied, distracted.

"What does this thing do, exactly?" I asked, staring at the strange device. It didn't seem to attach to his body, which was logical, I guess. I never saw him with it before.

Barricade busily began to alter things on the machine, probably to turn it on. He did take the time to reply, however. "Compresses my overall mass and reassembles according to the figures already entered into the database. I pre-scanned a human male and that's how it worked for this body," he said quickly. He put the machine down "To reverse it is just as simple. The mass is the same, regardless of my shape. Back up five yards."

"Is that why you take the stairs all the time—?" I started to ask as I obeyed the command, but the giant-alien-robot-science in front of me quickly stole all of my attention.

I will be honest: I have no fucking idea what happened after that. I mean, I know what I saw, and what Barricade told me later, but really? Really? All I knew of physics was spontaneously tossed out the window in a matter of twenty seconds, tops. All I could do to keep my mind from committing seppuku was the fact that I remembered that scene from the Transformers movie where the All Spark shrank in Bumblebee's hands and my dad commenting on how it was physically impossible for it to condense its mass that much.

Well, dad, sorry. You were, ah, wrong.

It was just like the All Spark scene, minus the giant cube, and including a six-foot tall man suddenly expanding into a giant metal robot of death. I really… can't describe it as anything different. Every time he did that afterward, it still escaped my meager vocabulary to describe. Some things I guess are like that. I personally would have rather seen him doing a pirouette like Sailor Moon, but just… just keep envisioning the All Spark scene.

I stood there, my dress flapping helplessly in the wind caused by the disturbance of air Barricade's true form created, and just gawked upward at the massive Transformer who slowly turned to face me with glowing red eyes.

Suddenly, I realized, this was it. That was the proof I needed… for this being real life… or for me having totally lost my mind. At least the "People are Trolling Me" option was out the window now. Definitely.

"…Holy fucking shit, what the fuck was that," I was mumbling incoherently, taking an instinctive step backwards as Barricade faced me completely. His red eyes were like demon's.

"You're taking this better than I had expected," the mech in front of me said. OhJesus. I whimpered and tried to remain upright on my feet, but I was beginning to feel lightheaded. It was really a mech… this was real! He sounded terrifying and he made so much noise walking around. It was too real, too…

And then he transformed. I stared, trying not to let my heart explode. I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

You're in a fan fiction. Or a daydream, I told myself over and over, trying to remember how I had always thought I would act. Maybe that would help.

"Well, my heart just stopped," I offered, my voice cracking as the robot finally stopped transforming. All I had in front of me was a police interceptor. "And I feel like vomiting. Does that count for anything?"

"Get in if you're coming. We need to lure him away," Barricade snapped, his side door opening.

I stared at him in silent horror as I struggled to get control over my mind again. "Right." Slowly, stiffly, I approached the car and slid into the front seat. It was like a normal car, but the entire time, my mind was screaming the opposite. "Hooooooooly God almighty, this is insane," I said quietly to myself, staring forward in dulled horror. "I am insane. Everyone is insane right now."

Barricade didn't think it was time to joke around, even as a psychological coping mechanism. "And you're still stupid. Glad you recognize it," he growled, his engines starting with a fury worthy of his on-screen image I recalled. "Buckle up."

He hit the gas, and man, we flew. I mean, I've been in sports cars before and I knew reckless drivers, but damn. He was fast. I fumbled with the belt, my heart racing. Reality and logic were combating furiously in my mind, but I forcefully disregarded the warnings my mind was sending me (holyshitthisisimpossible) and focused on the situation at hand.

Like somehow luring a Decepticon air commander away from my cousin's wedding.

It's the little things, I airily told myself.

We sped along the grass until we finally got to the road. I'll spare you the inane details, but we definitely barely missed hitting an unlucky deer, smashed off five side mirrors on a line of parked cars and then made a series of illegal turns as we headed further into the park.

"Wow," I began calmly, "everything you did in the past five minutes was completely illegal."

"If you actually think I give a damn, you're more brain deficient than I originally thought!" Barricade snapped back.

"Just thought I'd mention it."

Starscream was apparently following us, because Barricade made no mention of where we were headed. I assumed deeper into the park reserve the golf course was next to, because we started to really get off the main roads and onto dirt paths. Finally, after nearly ten minutes of driving, we found ourselves at a clearing. The huge empty field in front of me, a calling card for the jet circling above, suddenly made me think of that moment in your life when you're at the Running of the Bulls event in Spain and you suddenly find yourself running for your life from a bunch of cows with horns.

Those moments kind of sucked, in case you were wondering.

Why the fuck am I here? I suddenly asked myself, about to throw up. Oh, yeah, I thought this was a dream. Well, good job, me, great fucking job.

"Stay quiet and out of the way," Barricade said in a hurried whisper as I fumbled with my seatbelt. Yes, that sounded like a good idea. "Try to get over to the tree line and don't—"

His words of advice were tragically cut short when a silver jet screeched down to Earth in front of us, transforming into twenty-tons of metal legs, arms and a head. The ground shook and Barricade and I froze, staring ahead in stunned, horrified silence.

"…Too late," I whimpered, eyes huge.

"You wanted to come," Barricade shot back, though he sounded incredibly nervous.

I slid out of the car, trembling horribly as I took in the sight before me. Even as Barricade transformed, I was only looking in front of me. I have read many a story and seen many a show of just how big and shiny the aerial commander of the Decepticons is. Yes, he is shiny, and yes, he is big.

But he's also fucking terrifying.

I thought Michael Bay had gone wrong making the Decepticons look the way they did in the 2007 film, but… damn. It really did make them look menacing as compared to their lame 1980s designs.

Standing there next to Barricade, I was pretty sure nothing would have been taller than the mech next to me, who was definitely more than a story tall. Starscream? Oh. OH ho. He was bigger, way bigger. Probably almost three stories tall with wings almost as wide.

The only thing remotely un-menacing about him was that his mouth kinda looked like a nut cracker, but fuck, I wasn't about to make fun of it then. I was a bit preoccupied with not hyperventilating as I stood there on weak knees as the mass of jet transformed into his full form, looming over us with gnashing teeth and claws.

"BARRICADE!" the titan screeched upon us worthless mortals. Oh, and his voice is just as I imagined. Lovely. "Where the frag have you been, you miserable groundling!"

Barricade was tough; I mean, he could probably make Chuck Norris cry like a bitch. But standing there in front of Starscream, I suddenly realized why the Interceptor wanted to quit being a Decepticon. He stood straight and didn't flinch, but I could see the fear slowly enter his optics.

Everyone had to have a bogeyman, I supposed in a haze of my own terror.

"I have been acting under the orders you left me with, my Lord," Barricade replied. There was no emotion in his voice, or waver. I wasn't convinced, however.

Neither was Starscream. "And what, Barricade, were those orders?" the jet hissed, looming even more.

"To infiltrate the human society," Barricade replied, stiff. "I have done so, as you ordered."

Part of me flinched; what did that mean? Starscream stole the limelight, however. "I specifically recall ordering you to infiltrate the local government as to monitor any Autobot activity," he began, voice rising in volume.

"Yes. I am in the process of—," Barricade began, speaking a little quicker now.

"I don't care!" Starscream screamed, a stray arm whipping out. Barricade flinched and I all-but fell over in terror. "The Autobots are no where near here, you imbecile! We are in the process of moving Nemesis to this planet. We need your support with our unit!"

"With all due respect, my Lord, I have reasons for setting camp here," he tried again, speaking quickly now to avoid getting cut off again. He kept up a high degree of respect, however; smart mech. "I am using the local government as a launching point for several hacking and routing operations to gather military intelligence of the local country." I stared up at him, utterly torn between confusion and feeling hurt at this announcement. "I chose the obscure location for the benefit of anonymity. The event I was just at that you witnessed is part of the cover I am creating for myself."

Starscream growled lowly. "You are using that device we retrieved from the Autobot scientist, aren't you?" he demanded, voice dangerously quiet.

Barricade hesitated. "…Is there a problem with that, sir?" he asked, awkward and tense, fishing for the right answer.

Starscream hissed and took a threatening step closer. "It's pointless!" he screeched. "You are wasting too much energy for an exuberant cover. Find a new one or I will be placing you where I see fit—in pieces!"

"My plans won't fail," Barricade replied, suddenly very confident. I wondered if the terror was the cause of that. "I have several lines of intel ready for you. I am sending them now."

It took me a second to realize what was going on. I stared warily as Barricade's optics suddenly changed to white, a startling look since it had been white only moments before. Starscream's optics blazed for a moment as well. Apparently, they were transferring files. What kind of files, I didn't know. Barricade stood back, tense, watching Starscream with increased caution. I wanted to ask what was going on, but it didn't seem like a good time to ask.

Starscream was quite for a long time. I fidgeted as I tried to figure out what it could have been. Military intel? I glanced at Barricade, suddenly feeling uneasy. Barricade had said he wanted out of the army. Had he betrayed our confidence after all and was just using Emily as a cover?

…Or he was just really fucking good at preparing for the worst, AKA that moment. I shivered. He had probably gotten the information ready, just in case Starscream found him. I hoped it was important information he had stolen, not because I wanted the Decepticons to win, but I knew only really, really good stuff could have saved our lives at that moment.

"Hmm." Starscream was staring out at nothing, reviewing the data. He spoke quietly, so I didn't know what to expect. "How long have you been at work with this?"

"Almost a year, sir. After you left the planet when Megatron fell, I took it upon myself to use your orders as I saw fit," Barricade replied, nodding his head courteously. "With respect to your own strategic talents, I find that this base of operations is granting me the most room. While Nemesis is still unusable as a main base, I don't see why it would be prudent to move. In fact, I would see it as detrimental."

Mech's got bearings, I thought, chilled. I watched Starscream carefully after Barricade spoke, hoping the sudden confidence in the Interceptor wasn't too out of line. Then again, Barricade had been at the whole avoiding-getting-slagged-by-Starscream business for much longer than I had. I trusted his judgement.

"Soundwave has prided you on being one of his top students in logistics," Starscream said lowly, tapping his talons against his other wrist, giving the smaller Decepticon an appraising glance. "Perhaps there is credence to this plan of yours."

While I almost melted in relief, Barricade nodded stiffly, the perfect soldier. "Thank you, sir."

"That said," the jet began, glaring coldly, "I do not tolerate micromanagement in my army, Barricade. Remember this. And on that—"

The way he cut himself off alarmed me; no one ever cut Starscream off, especially not Starscream. I waited for him to mention he had received a message from someone internally, but Starscream was suddenly angered over something near us. The reason I knew it had to be something nearby, was because he wasn't looking anywhere else but me and Barricade.

"What is that?" he demanded harshly. He pointed at us. I followed his hand, expecting to see something else, but there was nothing besides us and the grass. I looked back up at the Decepticon leader, confused. Barricade was less so.

"It's a human," the Interceptor said hastily.

Starscream bristled. "You allowed it to follow you here?" he screeched, pissed off. He didn't wait for 'Cade to continue. "Kill it!"

Barricade hesitated. Suddenly, I realized I was the only human there.

He was talking about me.

Oh, shit.

"WHOA!" I shouted, surprising the two of them. I held up my arms and backed up considerably away from the two Decepticons. "Y-you don't have to—I'm not causing any trouble, I swear!"

"She is part of the cover group I am associating with," added Barricade. He moved slightly to the right, towards me. He looked up submissively at Starscream.

"There are plenty of them. This one knows too much. Kill it," ordered Starscream, without a shred of emotion.

"They would notice if she went missing," replied Barricade, slightly quieter.

Starscream made a growling sound again. "I don't care," he snapped.

I shuddered. Barricade continued. "They saw her leave with me," he said. "If I return without her or with her dead, the suspicion will fall on me."

"Then find a new cover!" Starscream all but screamed at Barricade.

My heart was racing, but I tried to keep cool. I had amassed a huge info-database in my head about the Transformers—especially the main ones. Starscream was no exception. I knew tons about him. Before, knowing all I knew would have been utterly useless and nerd-like. Now, it could be lifesaving.

"My lord," I began suddenly, surprising both mechs. I changed the tone of my voice. I tried to sound official, polite and serious all at the same time. I think I pulled off the polite part. "I'm not a spy and I'm not just a human spectator."

That, if not surprised him, at least grabbed Starscream's attention, as well as Barricade's. The police car was staring at me as though I had grown five heads spontaneously. I ignored him and urged my voice not to give up on me yet.

"I want to join the Decepticons!" I declared, quite loudly and only a little shakily.

Neither Decepticon said anything. They just stood there, staring at me. I'm pretty sure Barricade was sending me a DO NOT WANT look, but hey, it was all I had.

I swallowed hard. Okayyy. "I'm just a human, and I have no real skills in warfare, but I assure you, I will follow you honestly and truly as a loyal Decepticon soldier," I said with almost-enthusiasm. I grinned, despite my nausea. "All hail the leader of the Decepticons—Lord Starscream!"

I was tempted to give him the Nazi salute and be all "heil!" and stuff, but I think that would have gone over their robo-brains completely.

Starscream just stared at me, caught off guard. "You… wish to join the Decepticons?" he began, giving me a look indicating he thought I was lying. "You are a human. We are your enemies."

"Are you kidding?" I exclaimed, giving him a 'oh-you-silly' look. "This planet sucks! Humans are destroying it and no one cares. I say, the Decepticons are the way to go. They'll be much better rulers than my people. So yeah, I support you guys. Democracy and all that jawn, it doesn't work. We need one strong leader. Like you, sir."

Part of my mind was screaming in agony. Did I really just say 'jawn'?

The trauma was beginning to get to me after all.

Barricade looked horrified, but Starscream was luckily focusing on me. "I do not believe it," he snapped. He leaned forward, making me feel like the ants I used to squish with my sneakers when I was a little kid. "What use do I have for a organic soldier?"

"Ah… well… when you… when you take over the world, y-you may need spokespersons… and…" I fumbled over the words, my heart pounding wildly.

"She could provide intelligence now on locations and situations, without the need of a mech risking exposure," Barricade abruptly added, suddenly supportive. I could have hugged him, if he was the right size.

"Y-yeah!" I blurted, nodding enthusiastically. Oh, I knew where to take this now. "I-I'm his new Frenzy. Y-you know, Soundwave's symbiote Barricade had? I-I blend in way better, sir! I can get you guys into, like… military places. I can do that, no problem!"

Whether or not I was digging myself a grave large enough to bury Optimus Prime, I had no idea. But it would keep us alive for the next five minutes, I wagered. Starscream glared at me, but if my fear wasn't totally clouding my sense of reality, I could have sworn I saw doubt enter his optics.

"…Is this true, Barricade?" Starscream asked at great length, glancing at the other Decepticon, suspicious.

"Yes, sir," the Interceptor replied, confidently. Oh, how I admired his skills. "While her processing powers may be inferior than our own, her size can be quite useful. I used her help to get some of that intel I obtained, you see."

Ouch. What a bitch. But I had to hand it to him; that sort of language would get us out quicker than anything else. "Yes!" I said, nodding. I saluted again, trying not to show how shaky I was. "I am totally in your service, my Lord!"

The Angel of Bullshitting was upon me that afternoon. Starscream did not look happy, but he did stop looming as much. He was probably pondering just what to do with me, but luckily, I was probably not the largest concern he had. With a new swiftness, he turned to Barricade.

"Nemesis needs my full attention. You are to continue your operations here, without fail. I will be expecting a full report, on schedule," Starscream "Do I make myself clear, Barricade?"

"Perfectly, sir," the Interceptor replied, nodding submissively.

"As for you…" Starscream began, turning to me. I flinched as he sneered down upon me. "Barricade, keep an eye on this creature. I want a full report on its status as a potential minion." I refrained myself from correcting him on my gender status. "When the time comes, I will be needing human minions. Perhaps you shall have the honor of being the first," he continued, baring his vicious teeth.

…Why did they have teeth again?

"I'll be glad to be of service, my lord," I replied, grinning forcefully. I stopped myself and then frowned. Grinning wasn't very Decepticon-like, I had to admit.

Watching Starscream re-transform into a jet was just as amazing as seeing him turn into a behemoth of steel. I winced as the jet took off into the air, afterburners igniting the air. He became a dot on the horizon, and I think at that point, both Barricade and I exhaled identical shaking breaths. Or rather, Barricade just expelled air; he didn't have lungs, after all.

"Let's go, let's go," I chattered, my teeth moving on their own as if it were freezing out. My skin was both clammy and sweaty.

Barricade obeyed wordlessly and turned back into a car. I didn't even pause to consider how absolutely insane my life had become, that that didn't really phase me. I just climbed into the car, sat down and closed the door.

We sat there for about thirty seconds in silence, minds reeling.

I turned slowly and stared down at the dash, where I assumed he could see me. "…Did we just survive that?" I asked, dazed.

"…I think?" he replied, sounding both amazed and mildly horrified.

"Holy fuck." I grinned at the dashboard, drunk on adrenaline. "Good job, robot man. We are the bullshitting overlords of the land of bullshit."

I could almost feel his scowl. "You are insane," he snapped. "Let's get back."

"Right…" I muttered, sinking into the seat.

Now that that crisis was averted, we had one more: the wedding.

…OOPS!

00000

"Do you, Barrett Cade, take Emily Garvin to be your lawfully wedded wife?"

"I do."

"And do you, Emily Garvin, take Barrett Cade to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do."

It took all my willpower not to crack up when I first heard Barricade's chosen human designation. We spent a good few minutes explaining what had happened when we finally got back to the wedding. We used the excuse of last minute jitters Barricade's random disappearance. I just said I went with Barricade to make sure he returned. Most people accepted it and Emily thanked me a million times in private later.

Other than that, it was a remotely… average ceremony. Vows were shared, pictures were taken and everything that should have happened, happened.

I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, but considering after everything that had happened that day, I guess it already had and I missed it. Oh, well.

The reception was held in the same area and all of the tension from earlier seemed like an insane hallucination or nightmare, but I knew it was real. But we were alive. I smiled giddily to myself as I looked around at my family. They were safe, I was safe, and everything was kinda-sorta-almost normal now.

Yes, I could handle a reality like this.

I found Barricade alone at the main table. Emily had gone off dancing with friends; Barricade had probably lied and said he was tired. He did look a little haggard sitting in his worn suit, plates and glasses everywhere around him. He looked so out of place. I hoped that he wouldn't after a while; he deserved a chance to fit in with this average living.

"Heyyy," I began, sliding up into one of the seats across from him. He glared at me in greeting. I grinned back. "Congrats, Captain. That was a really nice ceremony."

"Ugh." Barricade scowled even more than normal. "You humans have too many social set ups." I was amazed that we were almost having a normal conversation. That was an astonishing sign that we were moving forward in terms of friendship. So exciting.

"True…" I said, shaking my head with a chuckle. I didn't know when would be a good time to mention anything, but since we were alone… "So. About Starscream."

"What about him?" Barricade demanded, glaring. He did nervously look around for any prying eyes or ears, but we were essentially alone in that section of the reception area.

I tilted my head, picking up an untouched punch glass. "What you said to him… you're really sneaking intel from the military?" I asked, trying to be calm and neutral, but the question had been plaguing my mind for the good part of the evening.

Barricade shrugged. "I can't just be a passive force here. I… I don't want to be in this fragging war anymore. It's pointless." He looked away, glaring at nothing. "But I'm glad I was prepared."

"Yeah… same." I shuddered, remembering Starscream's cold gaze. Oh, I could live without ever experiencing that again.

Barricade glanced at me, suddenly mocking. "What? You upset I'm not a goody-two shoes like those Autobots?" he sneered. "That I didn't finish the fight?"

I paused, considering. "No. If you had, everyone would be dead," I replied, looking at my drink before taking another sip. "So… kudos on being a conniving bastard."

That was not the reaction he had been banking on. "…Thanks," he growled, looking away. I smirked into my glass. So, I did know how to speak to the Decepticon. Awesome.

The silence continued for a minute before Barricade suddenly turned a frightfully accusing glare on me, surprising me. "You do realize now that Starscream thinks you're one of his followers now, correct?" Barricade demanded darkly.

I sipped my punch, nonplussed. "Ah, he'll forget about it. I'm just one human, right?" I joked. He didn't seem too interested in me before, anyway.

Barricade snorted. "Starscream isn't as unintelligent as you label him to be. He won't forget."

"But…I'm just a human," I countered, frowning.

"True." Barricade finished his champagne and set down the empty glass on the table. "It doesn't matter now. We are in a moment of truce between the Autobots and Decepticons."

"Basically a lull in the fighting?" I asked, amazed. He almost NEVER told me about what was going on in their war. I guess since I had survived Starscream, I deserved to be in on the more gritty details.

"Yes. There won't be any fighting until one side calls off the truce. The Autobots are still trying to increase their numbers, so they won't be the ones to call it off."

"And Starscream is still waiting to hear from his posse," I added, grinning. "So, you get to be with Emily for a while longer."

Barricade paused. "Yes," he finally said, looking at his plate.

I observed the gruff Decepticon with a smug smirk. Because of him, I had half of my family thinking I was crazy, I was involved in an intergalactic age-old war, and now, I had to deal with aliens bothering my family. But it was all good now. Barricade and I had fixed things, maybe not permanently, but to a decent extent.

Now, I only had to worry about keeping my new cousin-in-law off of an alien army's enlisted list.

Lovely.

"Let's go down to the lake," I said, standing.

"Why?" Barricade asked, looking up at me with a scowl.

"Em's talking to Grandma and no one's looking," I said, as if it were obvious. I jerked my head towards the lake. "We can talk about this without having to worry about eavesdroppers."

"We shouldn't be talking about it at all, considering you aren't involved," Barricade ground out.

I stopped and gave him my best 'what-the-hell-do-you-think' look. "If I'm not involved," I began warningly, "who the hell else is? Emily? You can't do this alone, Barry."

"Do what?" he demanded, incredulous.

"Assimilate!" I cried. I motioned with my arms. "Being human is harder than it looks, believe me. You can't share everything with Emily yet, so I'm the only one you can talk to!"

Barricade gave me a scathing look. "Joy," he deadpanned.

I glared back. "Suck it up," I said. I moved around the table, and surprisingly, Barricade followed suit. He did not look too happy, though. "Now, the first thing we have to worry about is how you're going to support you and Emily."

"I have the job at the police department," Barricade said as we walked across the lawn.

"Are you going to be able to keep it?" I asked. I grabbed a slice of cake and a fork as we passed a tray cart. Damn, that catered stuff was addicting. "You're not very people-friendly, you know."

"So I've been told," he growled. He easily kept up with my semi-marching pace. "I have access to all kinds of files on humans and what is expected of them. I don't need tutoring."

"But you're gonna need an outlet," I corrected him without thinking.

He stopped in his tracks and gave me a bewildered look. I stopped as well, surprised at myself.

"Outlet?" he echoed, confused.

"I mean," I started to say, not quite sure myself. "Well…" I shrugged. "Starscream's not exactly gonna listen to you bitch about transitions and stuff. You can't exactly ring up the Autobots for a chat. You don't know anyone else whose Cybertronian. I might not be a replacement for a fellow Decepticon, or even an Autobot, but at least I know a little about where you're coming from. As a Transformer, I mean."

I ceased my rambling, feeling foolish. I knew plenty of guys like Barricade: all stare and no conversation. He didn't need to talk to people in order to feel better about his situations. I looked at him, his dark eyes unreadable, unsure how he'd take my… generous invitation.

"You're volunteering to listen to me complain?" Barricade finally drawled, arching an incredulous eyebrow.

I shrugged again. "Eh, why not? Everyone needs an ear to rant to, right?" I could always use him to rant to as well; I was in this whole crazy mess, too.

Barricade stared at me. Then, to my surprise, he suddenly smirked. "Primus, you are totally absurd," he muttered. He walked past me, towards the lake.

Standing in my place with a look of shock plastered on my face, I followed him with my eyes. There was never a yes or a no with Barricade. Only a bastard-like maybe. A smirk grew on my face as well and I hurried after him across the grass.

The lake was a pretty place to just sit around. We found a bench by the water, and with the sounds of music and general party-sounds filtering down the hill, we both sat in silence. I stared out at the water, my mind going over everything I had just been through, realizing that there was no turning back now, on anything.

I sighed, shoulders sagging. "Man… my life is fucked up." That was the understatement of the universe, as far as I was concerned.

"Your life?" Barricade shot back, incredulous.

Snorting, I had to agree with his question. "Well… our lives," I conceded. "Whatever." With a groan, I pinched the bridge of my nose. "Goddamn it. I'll never understand it." The Transformers, the reality changes, the Decepticon who was now my cousin-in-law… none of it made any logical sense.

Barricade growled lowly. "Join the club."

"…Thank you, Barricade. For protecting my family," I said, smiling at him, meaning it. "I really do appreciate it."

"Hmp." Barricade didn't look at me, crossing his arms against his chest. "You did okay today as well. I appreciate the support." He spoke reluctantly, but that probably meant he meant it.

Smiling, I nodded, looking out at the water, feeling lightheaded, but also strangely calm. As much as he drove me crazy, Barricade wasn't too bad. Maybe this could work out. We just needed to be strong and listen to each other.

The companionship was too much for either of us to bear, however, at least at that moment.

"You're still ugly," Barricade suddenly said, glaring at me, breaking the calm. I didn't mind; it was saner.

I glared back at him. "You're still a jerk."

"Glad we're at an accordance," he muttered back, rolling his eyes. He sat back on the bench, relaxed.

"Sure thing," I replied calmly, mimicking his pose to ease my aching back, before adding a quieter, "asshole."

"Bitch."

"Slag sucker."

"Pit fragger."

"Optimus Prime."

Barriade paused, and then looked over at me, his eyes narrowed his disturbed disbelief.

"—'s lover," I added quickly.

"Okay, now that's just retarded," he growled, flopping back on the bench.

I shrugged. "Well, I ran out of Transformer curses." I poked my fork at my cake.

"Then, shut up," he said.

"Fine," I huffed.

We both opted for silence and stared out at the lake. It was really pretty, I had to admit, with the sun going down over the water. I never expected so many strange bizarre things to have happened so rapidly in my life, but it seemed to be making sense now. I thought then, and even now I believe, it could work. Barricade really was going to be part of the family, and even if he was a Decepticon, maybe we could be at least friends. On the bench, I sighed softly and pursed my lips in contemplation.

"…Asshole."

I now also believe to this day that I am officially the only human being on the planet who can say they've had an organically-altered Transformer/newlywed dump part of a wedding cake on their head. Barricade can officially say he's the first transformer/humanoid who ever had to explain to his new wife why he had suddenly gone for a swim in the lake while wearing his seven hundred-dollar tuxedo—with cake shoved down his pants.

We're just so freaking special like that.

.

The End.

To be continued in Flipside: Aftereffects.

.

XD Wow. Are you as horrified as I am that I actually finished this monstrosity of literature?

There are in fact two sequels in the works, not to mention utterly retarded one-shots featuring Becky and Barricade's misadventures. The sequel to this story should be up pretty soon. We finally get to see where those pesky Autobots have gone to~

And as for the mystery behind why Becky is the only one who knows? :3 Oh, believe me, it gets explained. Just wait and see…