Part One
The gang, minus Barney, was sitting around their booth at MacLaren's in deep discussion.
Robin looked across the table to Ted, who was staring woefully into his third beer. "Well, Of course she wanted to know. Everyone wants to know. YOU wanted to know, if I remember correctly."
Ted laughed briefly, sarcastically. "Huh. Yeah. I said I did, but once I asked, I kinda wished I didn't." He kept staring into his mug, picked it up, and drained it.
Robin blinked and looked at him, hurt. "Wait, what is that supposed to mean?" She asked, testily.
Lily looked quickly at Marshall, sensing an impending ex-lovers quarrel. "Hey, Marshmallow, how's your new job at Barney's bank?" she goaded. "I don't think you've told Ted yet."
Robin sighed, frustrated. "I'm going to get another drink," she said, standing.
Marshall perked up, excited at this chance to be in the spotlight – and equally excited to no longer be listening to an uncomfortable argument between two of his best friends.
"It…" He sat up straight, pausing for emphasis, "is GREAT! The office is great, my job is great, my computer is great, I can play computer games all day and no one knows and I get a GREAT salary, and I love my co-workers, even my boss is great!" Marshall rambled off, getting worked up. "I don't even have to work that much with Barney, which is probably the greatest part" he said animatedly.
"What about Barney?" an inquisitive voice interrupted. Barney pulled up a chair at the end of the table and straddled it. "Are you talking about how he's so awesome?" He smiled at Marshall.
Robin returned with a drink filled to the brim. "Ooh, scotch! Nice, Scherbatsky!" Barney grabbed the drink from her hand and took a sip before returning it to the woman, who now looked more frustrated than ever. "Holy crap, that's strong! There's NO soda in that. Or Red Bull… Or ice…" He looked at Robin, now downing the drink. "What's up?" He asked, suddenly sobering, realizing something was wrong.
"Nothing," she muttered quietly, slamming the now empty glass on the table. Barney's eyes went wide, but he said nothing, glancing at Lily who shook her head no, telling him not to press the issue.
"Ok…" He trailed off. Then, seeing Robin's cheeks turning red, he quickly took the attention off of her. "So," he said, straightening and clearing his throat, "I believe you were discussing the awesomeness of the Barnacle when I walked into your pathetic, boring little lives just now."
Ted looked up from his beer at Barney, annoyed, but remained silent. "As I was saying," Marshall perked back up. "I like my job." He turned to look at the suited man. "Thank you, Barney," he said sincerely. "I really do like it. Just don't make me do anything with mice… Or North Korea, for that matter, and we'll be fine."
Barney grinned. "Good! I knew you would like it! And now Lil can buy all the boots she wants, right?" Lily looked down sheepish. "Well, I think we're working on paying off the apartment first… And then paying down my existing credit card bills, right hon?" She smiled at Marshall. "Right," he said, returning the smile... Then furrowing his brow slightly as he looked at her hands wrapped around her beer. "Is that a new bracelet?"
His wife quickly stuck her hands under the table, "Uh, nope! Just... You know, old! Older! Um... You haven't seen it in a while, is all…" She avoided Marshall's glare, and turned to Ted, eager to put the spotlight back on him. "So Stella thinks you're a slut, huh?"
Barney laughed, having returned from the bar, two drinks in hand. He sat down, drinking out of one and silently putting the other in front of a still dejected-looking Robin, his eyes remaining on Ted. "Wait, what?" He sipped from his scotch on the rocks.
Ted sighed, draining the last of his beer, and slouched lower in the booth. "He and Stella had 'The Talk,'" Lily supplied helpfully. "And Stella wasn't... I guess that pleased with how long Ted's list was compared to hers."
"Well at least something about him is long, What Up!?" Barney leaned towards Ted, hand raised. "Why would I high-five you for that?" Ted asked, ignoring the hand and collecting himself. "I mean, she asked me and I told her. And then I asked her, and she has only slept with 3 people! In her whole life!" The table got very quiet, everyone sitting up instantly straight. "What?" Asked Barney incredulously. "But… she's hot!"
"I know, right? That's why I was shocked! And I looked at her like, 'are you serious?' and she got worried, and asked me how many people I had slept with!" He grabbed Marshall's beer having finished his own and now too engrossed in his story to get up for another one. "Hey!" The larger man protested, only to be interrupted by Ted hurriedly continuing his story.
"So I told her and she got really, really quiet. Then she walked away to do laundry and when I asked her if everything was ok, she said it was 'fine.'" Ted threw his hands up in the air. "So what does that mean?!"
"Ted." Said Barney, leaning towards Ted who was getting noticeably tipsy. "Focus," he said, pointing with two fingers at his eyes, then at Ted's, then back at his own. "What? Dude, you know I hate it when you do that," said Ted.
Barney smiled. "I know." He straightened tugging slightly on the inside of his suit jacket. "Ted, what have I always told you are the three things women say when they're lying?"
"Um… I don't think you've told me that."
Barney paused, puzzled. "You may be right. That must've been someone else equally pathetic." He paused again to let the insult sink in, took a sip of his drink, and glanced over at Robin, still sitting hunched on her side of the booth, hands crossed over her chest. Her drink was empty again. "Open your brain hoop, because I've got a three-pointer of knowledge on its way."
Marshall, Ted, and Lily all groaned, rolling their eyes. Robin just sighed and leaned forward, her interest piqued enough to momentarily break her sulking.
"Ted, when a woman is lying, she will say one of three things. One:" Barney raised his finger, "'I'm fine.' Ted, when a woman, especially a woman who as is hot as Stella and could do way better than you," Barney smirked, "says that she is 'fine,' after any sort of argument, she is not. Two:" he held up another finger, "If she ever says 'nothing' when you ask her what's wrong, she's also lying. 'Nothing' is the calm before the storm. Arguments that start with 'nothing' usually end with 'fine.'" Ted widened his eyes and pursed his lips. Lily just laughed, "Ha, Barney, before you got to the table, Ted said that Stella had said nothing was wrong."
Barney froze in the middle of extending finger number three, "Lily? Please?"
Admonished, Lily bit her lip and drank a sip of her beer. "Three: 'That's ok.' If you ever ask permission to do something, and please Ted, you know you do, you're completely whipped, and she says 'that's ok…'? That's NOT ok. Don't do it."
Smiling and proud of himself, Barney sunk back in his chair and lifted his glass, toasting his own genius and Ted's obvious misery.
The table was quiet for a moment, drinking it all in. Robin sighed, raised her eyebrows and sunk back into the booth, clearly distracted. Ted just remained looking into Marshall's (now his) almost empty beer mug. Lily looked uncomfortable.
Only Marshall gave Barney the response he wanted, "Dude, you're so right." Lily sat up, "Hey!" "What?" Marshall got defensive. "Lillipad, I love you, but it's true! Whenever you say nothing's wrong, something is always wrong!" Lily now mimicked Robin's position, crossing her arms over her chest and leaning back. "Fine," she grumbled.
"See?!" Barney cried triumphantly. Wendy the Waitress walked by their table on her way back to the bar. "Wendy, another round of beers please? And a Johnny Walker Blue, neat." Barney turned his attention back to the table, oblivious to everyone's foul mood.
"Ok. So. How do I fix it?" Ted hesitantly asked Barney.
"I dunno" Barney flippantly remarked, helping Wendy distribute the beers around the table off her tray. He wordlessly placed the whiskey in front of Robin as he took a sip from his beer.
She sat up in protest, "Barney, thank you for ordering this and all, but I just quit my job and I'm trying to save money for Japan. I can't aff-" "Please," Barney cut her off, waving his hand.
He looked again at Ted. "How the hell would I know how to fix the argument?" Ted took a sip of his beer, appreciatively glancing at the label. "You just listed classic ways to tell women are angry. Clearly, you've seen a LOT of angry women." Barney just chuckled. "So how have you fixed it?"
Barney took a sip of the whiskey to sample it before placing it back in front of Robin. "I don't. I just get out of her bed and go home. Ted, you can't ever be in an argument if you never see her again and she doesn't know your cell number. Fake number five!" He held up his hand expectantly at Robin, who just looked at it.
Lily glared at him, then shook her head no again. "Well, surely you got in arguments with women you've actually cared about, right Barney?" she encouraged him, raising her eyebrows hopefully.
Barney got the hint and glanced back at Robin, who shifted, annoyed. He turned, directing his story to Robin more than anyone else, "Back when I was with Shannon…" he started quietly. The news anchor looked up, interested. "Back when I was with Shannon, we got in a fight. And it was horrible. It lasted for days… It's hard to work behind the counter of a coffee shop and not speak to the person standing beside you."
Unsure, he faltered, taking a bigger sip of his drink. "Well, how did you fix it?" Lily egged him on.
"Well, I knew that I was right and she was completely wrong in the argument… But I loved her and couldn't stand not talking to her," at the word love, Barney's voice cracked slightly and he looked down into his glass, "And so I finally just swallowed my pride, bought her a lot of flowers, and forced her to tell me what was wrong… And she did. Turns out, I had been completely wrong and she was right. And then we were great, ya know? Things were really great with us…" He drowned off again, looking back up, suddenly aware that people were listening to his story. He sat up straight, "And then we totally... almost did it. What up?!" Much to his delight, he finally got a fist bump from Marshall, mostly out of sympathy.
"So just make her talk to you, Ted," Barney said. "That's all I can say."
"But she was so obviously angry at me for thinking she was such a prude. And now she thinks I just sleep around! Whatever, at least my list isn't even half as long as Robin's."
Robin, suddenly completely awake, shot up angrily, "Hey!" Barney crocked his eyebrow, smirking, and twisted to focus on the indignant woman. "Really?" he drawled suggestively. "I thought he said you had Daddy issues but weren't a slut… Interesting…" He tapped his fingers against his chin, peering at Robin.
She wisely ignored him and instead fired off at Ted, "That's not fair! You're picking on me just because I'm the only one at this table who isn't either married or …" she stumbled over her thoughts, trying to figure out a way to describe the man sitting next to her, "you know… Barney!"
Barney smiled, proud of his awesomeness once again.
Robin's steamrolling continued, "If Lily hadn't met Marshall in college, you just know she would be even more of a slut than me!"
Lily and Marshall both took offense, "Hey!"
Robin looked at Lily, "What? It's true!"
The petite woman looked at Marshall and meekly admitted, "Yeah… It's true." Marshall looked at her knowingly. "Yeah, probably me too," he agreed.
"See?!" Robin said excitedly. "My list may be longer than yours, but it is way shorter than hypothetical unmarried Lily and Marshall, and waaay shorter than Barney's!" Barney just smiled, enjoying flustered, slightly tipsy Robin, and stealing sips of her whiskey as she continued with her rampage. "I mean, Barney's list is probably 10 times longer than all of our lists combined! How many, Barney? How many women are on your list, eh?" Barney smirked behind the glass, waving his hand. "Please," he scoffed.
"See!" Robin sat back, spent. "I'm not a slut!" She announced, a little too loudly, pounding her fist on the table and drawing attention from neighboring booths.
"He never said you were, honey," Lily consoled her, patting her arm.
"Nope," Ted agreed, defensively. "I just said that your list is really long."
Barney sat forward, whispering at Robin, "How long, exactly, because this is inter-" Ted cut him off, "And clearly Stella values sex as something important, and I wish that I had too like Marshall and Lily." He started sermonizing as he reflected on the past year. "I mostly did, actually... Except right after we broke up and Barney was my wing-man." Ted glared at the blonde, "Then, my list basically tripled in size."
"You're welcome," Barney said, clinking his empty scotch glass against Ted's beer bottle.
"But other than then, you know, I do take sex seriously," Ted insisted eagerly. "I guess you just don't," he said to Robin.
Marshall, Lily and Barney all looked at Robin at the same time, eagerly awaiting a second volley of fury. But instead, Robin slumped further deep into her seat and seemed on the verge of tears. "So what are you saying, Ted? What are you calling me? You might as well just say it."
Everyone, shocked at Robin taking this so personally, looked back at Ted warily. The spiky haired man, so distressed about his situation with Stella that he was beyond caring about his friends, leaned forward and said obnoxiously, "I don't have to call you anything. Just look at the facts."
Marshall and Lily immediately made noises of protest on Robin's behalf. "Hey, not cool man… Yeah, that was low." Lily turned to comfort Robin, whose eyes had started to leak out a few tears, "Honey, he doesn't mean it, he's just mad about Stella."
But Robin wasn't listening; she was looking at Barney, who was lightly squeezing her wrist. "You don't have to take this, Robin," he said quietly. "I know it's not true."
She nodded at him, quietly. He winked at her and smiled. "Although, slutty would have been nice…" She laughed, wiping the tears off her face, then sat up straight to look at Ted angrily.
Robin downed the rest of her drink, slammed it on the counter and pointed at her ex-boyfriend. "Well, for your information, I do take it seriously! Just because I've slept with a lot of guys doesn't mean I didn't feel anything for them. It doesn't mean it wasn't real," she paused for the briefest of seconds to sniffle and glance at Barney, who was staring at her, dumbstruck, "And meaningful."
She continued, "I have never slept with anyone I didn't think I could have a future with, Ted. A good, real, serious even Ted-like future with – never. Happy?"
"Well, that's clearly not true," Ted said, already half-drunk and saying things he knew he shouldn't say. "I mean, you slept with Barney." He jerked his thumb at the man sitting silently next to him.
"I know I did, Ted," Robin icily spit at him before grabbing her purse and storming out of the bar.
Ted looked back at his drink, admonished and even more miserable than he was before. Marshall just raised his eyebrows at the drama of it all and took a big gulp of his beer.
Barney remained frozen, staring intently at the place Robin had just been sitting. Lily caught his glance, eyes wide… Wait, what?
Part Two
"Someone better go make sure she gets home ok – she was drinking a lot," Lily sounded concerned and looked at Barney. "Barney?" Her sharp question shook him out of his trance.
"Hmm? Oh, yeah, uh… right." Barney visibly shook his head and smoothed the wrinkles out of his jacket as he stood up. "I might as well make sure she gets a cab – I have to get going anyway. Big meeting with the Koreans tomorrow. I've been preparing for weeks." He cracked a smile in an attempt to show his normal, cocky self. "I just don't think they're prepared for me."
He winked a thanks at Lily, said a brief, "Peace, hombre" to Marshall, and gave a stiff nod to Ted, who was now feeling guilty for two reasons. "Ted."
Barney turned to walk briskly out the door, only to be stopped by Ted calling after him, "Barney!" He paused and briefly turned to look back at the table. "Tell her I'm sorry," Ted asked. Barney nodded again as he opened the door.
Back at the table, Marshall and Lily just stared at Ted. "Dude! What's wrong with you?!" Marshall asked loudly. "That was NOT cool!"
"I know, I know, I'm a horrible person," Ted conceded. He sighed, "Well, I guess I just need to talk to Stella." Marshall and Lily nodded in unison. "Yes, Ted, you do. You really, really do," Lily agreed. Pulling out his cell phone and pausing with his thumb hovering over Stella's speed dial, Ted looked up at his roommates. "Maybe… I think I'm just mad at myself. I mean, I've been wanting to get married for years!" Marshall nodded. "But now that it's here… And happening so soon… And I'm going to become a husband and a father on the same day… I just don't think I want it anymore."
Lily's eyes widened. "But you love Stella!" She exclaimed. Ted sat up, putting his phone down on the table. "I know! It's just… I loved Robin too, you know? And that fell apart after a year. I've only known Stella for a couple of months – how do I know it won't fall apart, too?"
Marshall put his arms around Ted's shoulders. "Because it won't. Listen, if you're having second thoughts, that's something you need to work out. But NOT by lashing out at your ex-girlfriend. Maybe you're just scared of getting what you've always wanted." Ted nodded.
"Remember our wedding?" Lily chimed in. "We had been planning it for ten years, and then I ran away to San Francisco because I was so scared of getting what I'd always wanted. And I almost ruined the best thing that's ever happened to me." Marshall smiled and squeezed her hand on the table, his eyes only momentarily dropping to look again at the very expensive-looking bracelet on her wrist. "You just need to talk to Stella, buddy." He said. "Maybe you don't need to get married right now – you can extend the engagement until you figure out where you're going to live and everything. The important thing is you're both happy."
"Yeah, you're right," Ted said, standing. "Alright, here I go! I've gotta work on Stella…" He started dialing, "Then somehow make it up to Robin before she leaves for Japan."
"Oh! Right!" Lily sat up. "I completely forgot. Robin's flight leaves at 7:45 tomorrow morning. She said she could go to the airport by herself, but I told her that's ridiculous – you know how she is, all independent." Lily said that last word the same way Ted said New Jersey, like a curse word, and Marshall just grinned at his wife. "So I think it would be a great surprise if we all waited for her flight with her, at the gate, together."
Ted nodded absentmindedly, still looking at his phone. "Sounds good," and turned to walk off. "Don't forget!" Lily shouted after him. She turned to look at Marshall. "He's going to forget." "I know," her husband smiled. "I'll call him in the morning to remind him." Lily smiled back. "Chimichanga." Marshall laughed as they stood and held hands to leave the bar, "No one's here, we don't have to use code words." "I know!" Lily returned. "It's just more fun that way."
**** *
Barney had been walking in the direction Robin had taken out of MacLaren's for about 10 blocks before he gave up. Raising his hand to hail a cab, Barney pulled out his cell phone and pulled up "Scherbatsky" in his address book. His finger hovered over the "call" button for a moment as he looked at her picture next to her contact information – her Japan contact information. He pressed "call" and looked back up, peering down the street for a cab.
"Ring… ring…" Barney turned when he heard Robin's no-nonsense ringer. Sure enough, the former singer was exiting the front door of a bookstore right behind him. "Scherbatsky!" Barney exclaimed, relief written all over his face. She looked up from digging through her purse. Her face was still red, but it looked like she had stopped crying.
"Did you just call me?" She asked, pulling out her phone, puzzled to see his number displayed on her screen. "Uh, yeah, I was looking for you." She cleared the screen and put the phone back in her purse. "Why?" She walked up to curb where Barney had been standing moments before and raised her arm. Efficient, career-woman Robin had replaced the vulnerable woman he had just seen at the bar.
Barney walked up and stood next to her. "Well…" He stumbled over his words, unprepared to explain himself. "You… you had a lot to drink and I just wanted to make sure you got home ok." He winced, predicting a biting response.
"Oh." Robin ran a hand through her hair as a cab pulled up to the curb. "Well, I'm fine, Barney." He opened the backdoor of the cab for her and she looked up, surprised. "I know," he said simply, and got in the cab behind her.
He gave the cab driver Robin's address then turned to face her. "No, I mean I'm fine. Really. I didn't have too much to drink," she continued their conversation. "I can get home fine without you," she insisted. "I know," he said again. "Nothing's wrong," she insisted. At that, Barney only smiled faintly. "What were you doing in a bookstore?" "Needed something to read on the plane." He nodded.
The ride to Brooklyn was brief and comfortably quiet. They both got out at her apartment and Barney paid the driver. "Barney, you really didn't have to help me get home." She smiled at him. "I know I didn't have to do anything," he said. "I wanted to – Scherbatsky, you leave for Japan tomorrow so I figured I'd at least be on my best behavior before you leave. You know, so you remember how awesome Barney is while you're overseas."
She raised an eyebrow in question. "But why?" He smiled and raised his eyebrow in turn, "I sometimes head over to the far east myself on business – it'd be nice if you could be talking me up to the ladies so they can be ready for me. You know, give a little positive PR. What up?" He snickered and raised his hand. Robin rolled her eyes and laughingly gave him a high-five.
"So. Can I help you finish packing?" He asked, and she turned to walk up to her apartment. "Well, not really," she said, unlocking the door. "I'm pretty much done."
"Whoa." Barney stepped into her apartment, surprised. It was completely empty, save for a few boxes piled in a corner and three over-stuffed suitcases sitting by the door. "Where'd your stuff go?"
Robin emerged from the kitchen, two beers in hand. "Gone." She said, shrugging, and handed him one of the beers. "I've already shipped all the stuff I need in Japan over there to my new place, I sold the furniture I couldn't ship for some extra spending money, which I've already converted," she took a sip of her beer, mentally checking off her to-do list, "and I boxed up the rest for give-away."
Barney just stared at her. "Wow. If nothing else, you are efficient," he said, strolling around the apartment. It seemed so much smaller now that it was empty. "So…" He wandered into the bedroom. "Wait! The bed's gone!" She followed him into the room. "Yup. Didn't need it anymore. Sold it." They both looked at where the bed once had been, thinking of the same thing. "Oh." Barney took a long, long drink of beer.
"So!" He said, briskly moving past the obvious jokes he could be making. "Where are you sleeping now?" Robin led him back into the living room and opened a cabinet. "In there?" He joked. "No, you jerk," she playfully teased. She pulled out two blankets and a few pillows and arranged them were the couch had been in the center of the floor.
"Wait, what, are you serious?! You're sleeping on the floor?" She looked at him sheepishly. "It's fine!"
He just stood there, mouth hanging open. "No. It is not!" He said. "C'mon, you're crashing at my place tonight," he said decisively, bending over to fold up the blankets.
"No, I'm not Barney." She said, stopping him. "It's fine. Plus, you're not gonna get me to sleep with you just because I'm leaving town." He stopped and looked up. "I swear, I won't try anything. I just…. Robin, you don't need to be sleeping on the floor. C'mon now."
Robin sighed, convinced. "Fine… My back had been kinda hurting." Barney looked at her, wide-eyed. "Scherbatsky… How long, exactly, have you been sleeping on the floor?" She squeezed her eyes shut, anticipating his wrath. "A week…" She said quietly.
"A WEEK?!? Seriously? No wonder you've been such a cry baby lately." "Hey!" She feebly protested. He stuffed the blankets and pillows back in the cabinet. "Let's go."
"You're doing that thing where you're nice to me again, Barney. It's freaking me out," she confessed, gathering her bags. "We already talked about this, Robin." He said, not looking at her as he did a quick sweep through her apartment, making sure she didn't forget anything. "I don't always want to be that guy, remember?" She smiled, dropping her bags outside the door. "Yeah, I remember."
As Barney walked out, he stopped to examine the pile of boxes by the door. They were labeled with L&M, T, and B. "Robin, what are these boxes?" She peered in, "Oh, just stuff that I thought you guys may want. I know Lily and Marshall are really sentimental and wouldn't want me throwing some stuff away, so I left these boxes for you guys. They're coming in tomorrow to clean up the apartment for me and grab those boxes. If you don't want anything in your box, feel free to give it away or trash it."
Barney laughed and pulled the door closed, "Ha – ok, Scherbatsky. Hey! Your door mat's still here." She smiled, "Yeah. Lily said she had a few things she was going to send me in a care package, and I asked her to stick the doormat in with her stuff. I couldn't fit it in with the stuff I sent."
He smiled at the back of her head as he followed her down the stairs, carrying two of her bags. "So you're taking it with you to Japan…. WHAT in the world do you have in these bags?" He stumbled down the stairs, barely making it to the lobby without dropping the heavy bags completely.
She dragged her bag out to the curb and raised a hand, turning to look at him. "Bricks… And of course I'm bringing the doormat." She smiled at Barney, "I love it!" He smiled broadly then tried to contain himself, "Well, sure. I mean, there aren't many Scherbatskys out in Japan."
She looked at him and smiled, her eyes sparkling. "Yeah. And not too many guys who'd special order a doormat that says Scherbatsky for a girl when their best friend threw up all over the first one." He looked up at her, startled. "What?" She smiled, amused at his shock. "I never did thank you for that."
He started to protest but instead accepted that the secret was out. "No problem, Scherbatsky," he said quietly, turning back to the road and eying the approaching cab.
They slid into the backseat and let the cabbie load their bags into the trunk.
****** *
With the cab speeding away, Robin looked up at Barney's building as the suited man struggled with her two heaviest bags up to the doorman. "Greg, my man," he said out of breath to the uniformed man who opened the glass doors. "Yes, Mr. Stinson?" The larger man asked, grabbing the two bags from Barney. "I can take care of those for you." Barney breathed a sigh of relief. "Thanks, Greg," he said, slipping some cash into the doorman's pocket. "And please get Ms. Scherbatsky's bag as well," he said, motioning for Robin to hand Greg her bag.
The elevator ride up to his apartment was a comfortable silence and Robin was getting noticeably drowsy. "So I need a toothbrush and something to sleep in," she said, yawning as the door opened on his floor. He laughed as he helped her through the door. "Wow, you crashed quickly. And don't you have that stuff in your bags?" She wandered into the apartment as Greg delivered the bags to his door.
"Yeah," she said, collapsing on his couch. "But I'm afraid to unzip them – I'll never get them closed again. I had to sit on it for five minutes just to make it work for me." Barney stacked her bags next to his door. "Ha – yeah you did."
She rolled her eyes again – "Toothbrush?" He made his way to the bathroom, "Right." Ten minutes later Robin was wearing one of Barney's old undershirts (he had offered her a dress shirt, but she declined, saying she wasn't putting on a show for him,) had brushed her teeth with a toothbrush Barney had magically produced from bathroom cabinet, and was snuggled on the couch with a pillow and comforter that had equally as magically appeared.
Barney walked out of the bathroom in an old t-shirt and his boxers. "Really, Robin? I'm not going to make you sleep on the couch. You get the bed tonight."
She looked up, tearing her attention from the TV wall to look at him. "Why do you TiVo Metro News One?" she asked, tilting her head.
He was too tired to come up with a creative response, so he deflected the question back to the matter at hand. "Same reason I watch your music videos – now, get off my couch."
She grumbled, "Ok." She got up made her way to the bedroom as Barney turned off the TV, then walked back over and suddenly hugged him silently. The man was startled and started to ask what she was doing, but she hushed him and he instead wrapped his arms around her and closed his eyes, just enjoying the feeling of holding her.
Barney listened to her breath and felt her heart beating against his and squeezed his eyes shut, memorizing the moment. But she eventually broke the spell and backed up a few inches, and said, with her arms still around his neck, "Thank you, Barney." He looked into her eyes for a moment, lips hovering moments from hers and started to say what he had been practicing in his head for months. But she gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and headed to the bedroom.
He sighed, lying down on the couch. "I set my alarm to take you to the airport," he called after her. "Ok" she responded quietly. Barney could hear the springs of his bed shift as Robin slipped under the covers. "Goodnight," he whispered, mostly to himself, and lay on his back with his arms sprawled over the edge of the couch, resigning himself to another sleepless night.
A few hours later Barney awoke from the light sleep he had finally fallen into when he heard something coming from his bedroom. He sat up, orienting himself and headed to the bedroom to see if Robin was alright. He peered through the cracked doorway to see the Metro News One star crying very quietly into the lone pillow on his bed. Barney lightly pressed the door farther open, "Robin?" he asked, concerned.
"Fine!" She said sharply, realizing he had overheard her. Her body quickly straightened as she wiped her face, still facing away from him. "I'm fine. Sorry I woke you."
Barney's heart broke, standing in the doorframe. "You don't always have to be alone, you know." He said, quietly, aching to help her. She laughed sarcastically, "You're one to talk." He raised his eyebrows in agreement and slid into the bed beside her. "I know," he agreed quietly, and wrapped his arms around her.
She started to cry again and turned to bury her face in his chest. "I'm so scared, Barney," she sobbed, her voice muffled against his t-shirt. "I know," he said again. "I am too," he whispered, and held her until they both fell asleep.
He awoke the next day alone as the bright sun shone onto his bed. "Crap, we overslept! Robin!" He called out for the woman, assuming she was in the bathroom. He stretched his arms and looked over his shoulder to the clock on the wall when his right arm hit something hard on the bed next to him.
He picked up the videotape labeled " 'Sandcastles in the Sand' Music Video – Make it Sparkle Album" and read the Post-It note scrawled on the front. "Didn't want to make you late to your big meeting, so I'm taking a cab to the airport. Thanks for letting me crash here. I'll miss you. Love, Robin Sparkles"
Barney sighed, standing and running his hand through his hair and glanced at the clock. 8:30 a.m. Robin was in the air by now, and his meeting with the North Koreans was in 2 hours. He called the office and said he was sick and couldn't come in.
He loaded the videotape into his tape player and pulled up his TiVo'd episodes of Metro News One, then programmed his international TiVo to record Robin's Japan newscasts. Climbing back into bed, Barney pulled the blinds closed and turned off his iPhone. He didn't feel like suiting up today.
Part Three
Lily and Marshall ran through the airport. "Sorry! Sorry!" Lily apologized to people wandering LaGuardia, running past them briskly. "Outta my way!" Marshall thundered, rushing past Lily and playing the role of football player, barreling over anyone in his path. "We can make it, babe! I know it!" He reached back and grabbed his wife's hand, practically dragging her along the ground. "Her gate's the next one up here on the ri-" Marshall's words and feet came to a halting stop when he and Lily reached Robin's gate.
An airport employee was closing the door to the gate and pulling down the lock lever. She brushed her hands off and returned to the computer at the desk. A few moments later, the screen behind her head that had said "Flight 1802 to Japan, 7:45 a.m." cleared and said in bold, unforgiving letters "FLIGHT 1802 BOARDED, OUT OF GATE"
Lily and Marshall looked at each other in sadness and Lily bit her bottom lip. "I can't believe we missed seeing Robin off!" Lily cried to her husband, tears swelling up in her eyes. "We missed her." She started sniffling and her husband encircled her in a bear hug. "I'm the only girl now," Lily whined into his shirt.
Marshall was equally distraught as he guided his wife to a nearby empty chair. "Yeah. We completely blew it… We lost both the apartment and Robin."
Flashback to the night before:
"Baby, this might be the last time we do that in here." Marshall smiled at Lily as she sat up from the kitchen floor and combed through her messy hair with her fingers. "I know. The end of an era," she agreed, patting the kitchen tile floor lovingly. "But just think about all the fun we're gonna have breaking the new apartment in," she smiled. Marshall just laughed and helped her up.
"Speaking of, I was thinking we should go check out the apartment tonight – you know, see what the neighborhood's like at night, what the view is, where the moonlight comes through the windows…" He said suggestively, raising an eyebrow and peering down at his partner in crime. She smirked, "Totally."
A brisk cab ride later, Lily waited on the stoop of their new apartment as Marshall tipped their driver. He walked up to her, his face puzzled, "Why are you waiting?" "You have the keys, dummy," she laughed at him, turning to face the door and waiting for him to open it.
"Uh, no I don't. I thought you brought them." They faced each other. "Well, I thought you brought them!" She exclaimed. "Dammit," Lily muttered, shaking the door handle in vain. "I don't feel like going all the way back home to get the key and come back tonight. And I was really looking forward to breaking this kitchen in…"
She slouched her shoulders as she thought about the boring evening that awaited her back at Ted's apartment. "I know, baby, me too." Marshall sympathized. Then a broad smile spread across his face. "Of course…" He circled the apartment building and peered up to their new apartment's balcony. "This is our apartment now…" Lily looked at him questioningly from the stairs, "Well, yeah."
"So…" Marshall stated, dragging a trash can from the curb over to the side of the building and flipping it over, "So if we broke in, it's not a crime… I mean, it's our apartment, after all. We can't get in trouble for breaking into our own apartment, right?"
A mischievous smile crossed Lily's face as she watched her husband struggle to pull himself up onto a second floor balcony. "Right!" Marshall's grip slipped and he momentarily cried out. "Be careful, baby!" Lily exclaimed, putting her hands to her mouth, her eyes growing wide. "It's fine," he grunted, collecting his nerve and pulling himself all the way onto the balcony. "Just one more floor up, and we're golden!"
Fifteen minutes later, a scraped, sweaty Marshall proudly let Lily into their new apartment. She scanned the room and gasped at the sight of a broken window. "It was totally worth it!" He boasted, strutting around the apartment. "I am, as Barney would say, awesome."
Lily raised her eyebrows as Marshall motioned towards the kitchen. "Well… Shall we?"
******
Lily and Marshall were interrupted by the noise of footsteps in their living room. Screaming Lily jumped up, adjusting her pants and fixing her hair. "Marshall! Someone's here!" Marshall jumped up as well, grabbing the spray nozzle on the sink and pointing it towards the front door. "Take one more step and I'll shoot!" He threatened, hand ready on the faucet.
"Sir, if you take one more step, then I'll shoot," said a calm, slightly humored female voice on the other side of the room. Marshall lowered the nozzle in confusion as Lily continued to hide behind him.
Suddenly their living room light flickered on, illuminating the couples' real estate agent and a police woman with her hand resting lightly on the gun settled in her hip holster.
"Hello, Mr. Ericson. Are we interrupting something?" The real estate agent asked, smirking. Marshall looked down to zip up his fly then pointed an accusing finger at the agent. "As a matter of fact, yes! This is our apartment, m'am, and we legally have the right to be here!" Marshall started waving his arms, his voice growing in volume and strength. Lily widened her eyes – he was about to lawyer the real estate agent.
Sensing her impending doom, the real estate agent stopped him. "Mr. Ericson, as a matter of fact, the deal is not actually closed yet. This is not legally you're apartment." Marshall stopped, his hands dropping to his sides. "Wha –what?" "Yes, I told you when you signed the papers last week that we had to wait two weeks for the deal to go through the proper channels." She stepped towards the wall and started examining the shattered window. "The apartment would have been yours next Wednesday."
Lily spoke up, rushing to her husband's side. "Would have been ours? What do you mean?" The agent glanced at the cop and back at the couple, "Well, we have other offers out on this apartment but you signed the papers first, so you claimed the apartment. But, we have a clause saying that any damage incurred during the transition period by the future owners is their fault and effectively eliminates them from purchasing the apartment."
Marshall and Lily exchanged uneasy looks. "So, you're saying we don't get the apartment because I broke the window?" Marshall asked at the same time that Lily exclaimed "But the window was broken when we got here!" She poked her husband in the side as the cop stepped forward. "Mr. and Mrs. Ericson, is it?" Lily tried to correct her but Marshall just nodded and let the cop continue. "I was called here when the security company alerted your real estate agent. I'm afraid I'm going to have to escort you from the premises."
"What?!?!" Marshall protested. "But it's our apartment!" He yelled over his shoulder as the cop firmly gripped both him and his wife on the shoulders and walked them toward the door. "No it's not, Mr. Ericson. I'll send you a bill for the window," she called after him.
Marshall and Lily looked at one another as the cop slammed the door shut behind them. The sun was just beginning to rise. "Well, the damn floor was slanted anyway," Lily muttered. They walked back home and crashed as soon as they walked in the door. It had been a long night.
Flashback to present:
"I can't believe we overslept!" Lily cried into her husband's shirt, still tired from the stress and events of the night before. "I know, I know," he said, patting her back. "Well, in our defense, it was a very stressful night," he said, trying to justify their complete failure as friends. "Hey! Where's Ted?!" Marshall sat up and looked around. "And Barney?" Lily looked around as well – both puzzled not to see the rest of their little family.
"Do you think they already left?" Lily wondered aloud, searching the room. "I guess so…" Marshall pulled out his phone and dialed Ted – "Hey, buddy, listen, where are you? We completely missed Robin's flight so we were hoping maybe we could meet up with you and Barney for coffee. Are you still in the airport?"
Marshall's face fell. "Oh… ok, I got it. Yeah, bye." He hung up and turned to Lily. "He didn't come," he said delicately, afraid to set Lily over the edge. "He and Stella were up all night talking about 'them,' and he said Stella wouldn't let him leave to go see his 'ex-girlfriend'…" Marshall air-quoted those last words then tucked his phone back in his pocket, looking back up at his wife. "He said the engagement's off." Lily just stared. "They're still dating but he said Stella wasn't ready to be that committed yet."
"Oh… wow." Lily responded somberly. "Well, that's not really a good sign." Marshall sighed. "Nope." "Well, wait, call Barney – maybe he's still here," Lily grabbed her husband's hand and pulled the cell back out of his pocket. "Oh, good idea."
Marshall dialed Barney only to go straight to his voicemail. "Hi, this is Barney Stinson. I'm awesome. Don't bother leaving a message, I won't call you back." Marshall hung up in frustration. "Nothing?" Lily asked incredulously. "But he always has his phone." She furrowed her brow, "No way would he have missed saying goodbye to Robin," she said under her breath. "Why?" asked her husband, surprised. "I mean, I know he's our friend and everything, but really Barney's friendship loyalty only extends as far as he needs it to."
"Hey, that's not fair – he loves you and Ted!" She defended the womanizer, having seen a softer side of him… and changing the subject. "So, coffee?"
"Yeah," said her husband, slowly standing and grabbing her hand. "I can't believe no one was here to say goodbye to Robin," Lily said disappointed, following close behind.
******
"Hey, have you talked to Barney today?" Lily asked Ted that night when they all slid into their booth at MacLaren's. "I'm kind of worried about him."
Ted looked at her questioningly, "Why?" She stumbled over her words, afraid to reveal too much, "Well, you know, we were supposed to see him this morning to see Robin off and he didn't show up… And he hasn't picked up his phone all day… Hey, these are pretty good!" She said, throwing some of the bar nuts into her mouth.
"Whatever. I'm sure he's fine – he's Barney." Barney took a sip of his beer. "I feel so bad none of us said goodbye to Robin, you guys. We are horrible, horrible friends." Lily nodded in agreement, "I know! And at least you have an excuse! Marshall and I just overslept!" Marshall nodded, drinking his beer. "We tried to call her to apologize, but she's still in transit, I guess – she didn't pick up."
"Anyway, we went to her apartment this afternoon," Lily said as she reached down to pick up some of the boxes sitting next to her on the floor, "To clean up, and I'm passing this along – Robin left us all boxes of stuff she couldn't bring with her." She passed the smallest one, labeled T, across the table to Ted, who looked at it nervously. "She said it wasn't a big deal or anything," Lily hurriedly explained. "She made one for all of us."
Ted looked a little bit more comfortable. "Ok. Still, maybe I should leave the stuff, whatever it is, at our apartment, here… Stella's still a little sensitive about the Robin issue." Marshall nodded understandably. "Which is ridiculous," laughed Ted, and continued to drink his beer. "Shall we?" He drained the last few sips and the three of them made their way up to the apartment. Lily picked up the box labeled B and walked toward the bar. "Carl?" She called after the bartender. "Can you give this to Barney next time you see him?" She handed him the box and Carl nodded, putting it under the bar. "Sure thing, Lily."
******
The following night Lily walked into the bar to find Barney, suited up, at the bar with his tongue down the throat of a tall brunette. Marshall and Ted were already sitting at their table, but Lily was so relieved to see Barney that she ran up to him, mid-makeout, and gave him a big hug. "Uh…." He stuttered, glancing down at her horrified, as the woman he had just been making out with backed away. "Is this your girlfriend?" She asked, pointing at Lily who had now backed away and was staring at Barney expectantly. "NO!" Barney insisted, shoving Lily aside and leaning back towards the brunette. "No, baby, no… You know you're the only one for me…" He winked at her as she smiled and leaned forward to resume their kissing when Lily pointedly stuck herself between both of them and leaned over the bar, "Hey Carl!" She called, "Didn't you have something to give Barney?"
"Oh, right," he said, wiping his hands off on the towel around his waist, grabbing the box, and placing it on the counter beside Barney. "Here ya go, Barney." Barney's mouth, which had been hanging open in astonishment of Lily's interruption, suddenly snapped shut at seeing the familiar box now sitting next to his elbow. He stared at it silently for a moment and Lily thought she could see a momentary break of sadness in his cool exterior, before he straightened his tie, winked at the brunette still standing in front of him and said casually, "Oh, thanks for hanging on to that for me, Carl. Lil, could you grab it for me? I'm a little preoccupied at the moment." And with that, he handed the box to Lily and resumed his make-out session.
Frustrated, Lily grabbed the box off the counter and made her way to their booth. "Sure, Barney," she mumbled, slamming the box down on the seat next to her.
As the night wore on, Marshall, Ted, and Lily watched in amazement as Barney took control of MacLaren's in a way they'd never witnessed before. He had, at Ted's count, gotten numbers from 13 girls in 2 hours, 9 of whom he managed to make-out with at the bar. Marshall claimed he had used a different pick-up line on every girl, but Ted disagreed, saying Barney had used the "$100 says when you turn around…" line twice. Lily observed that he was wearing a new suit, tie, and shoes, and had just gotten a new haircut and dye job. They also collectively observed that every single one of the women he was hitting on that night was brunette.
"What up, losers?!" Barney asked when he finally collapsed into the bar, exhausted and slightly tipsy. "What is going on, Barney?!" Asked Marshall, astonished. "You just made out with nearly every female in the bar." Barney just smiled and took a sip of his scotch. "And you bought drinks for nearly all of them – how much money have you spent on alcohol tonight?" Ted continued, and Barney just continued to smile. "And why have you not gone home with any of them?" Lily inquired, hoping to get an actual answer. "Thrill of the chase, my friends, thrill of the chase," Barney replied. "I am on a quest," he stated proudly, "to get as many numbers as possible in one night. It's going to be legen – wait for it," he paused as he drained his glass, "… dary!"
Marshall and Ted just laughed and went back to discussing the pinball machine Marshall wanted to buy for the apartment – when Lily and Marshall had told Ted they wouldn't actually be moving out, the boys had been so excited they immediately began making plans to celebrate the fact that everything didn't have to change. Lily remained attentive on Barney, concerned, "Hey, Barney?" She asked quietly. "Hm?" He asked, still looking at his glass. "Why were you hitting on only brunettes tonight?" He looked up, his face hardening, "Part of the challenge. Did you know brunettes are 83% less likely to give out their number than blondes? True story." At that, he stood and began eying a new group of women who had just walked in. "Now, if you could give me that box, I'll be heading out. I see a Bachelorette party making it's way into my life…" He kept his eyes on the crowd, winking at the brunette with a "Bride-to-Be" sash draped across her very large chest. "The box?" He asked expectantly, sticking his hands out. Lily placed it in his arms, sighing, and he walked over to the crowd, box firmly in hand. "Hello, ladies…."