Disclaimer: Insert inventive disclaimer here. (Not mine.)
Firewhiskey Façade
Marlene liked to think that she was brave.
Marlene McKinnon liked to think that she was brave. Everything she did had some element of danger involved, from things silly to things serious. Especially to things Sirius. Marlene played games with him, as well as trying to interpret the games he played with her, wrapping her around his little finger and watching her swing not so gracefully from it, the string she was suspended from paper thin but love-knot strong.
Of course, Sirius could destroy her at any time, squash her under his thumb and watch her burn and melt and fade, but so far he had kept her intact, tilting her continuously from certainty to ambiguity as she clung desperately to the very tips of his fingers, before being jolted forward to the palm of his hand and back again. Sometimes Marlene was convinced that he knew how she felt about him, but other times she was speculative as to whether he would realise even if it was spelt out in front of him by a herd of stampeding elephants. So Marlene pretended. She pretended to be dangerous and careless and free, when in fact, she felt trapped by everything he did, every smile, every wink, every nudge.
Marlene had always been bubbly, but impressing Sirius seemed to push her over the edge of her normality and into complete disregard for rules or danger or morals. Marlene faked an obsession with karaoke sessions under the influence, dancing wildly on tables and letting her eye wander over what it was that she really wanted when he wasn't looking. Her reasoning was that being big and bold and boisterous got his attention, and when she had that, she had him all to herself. In the midst of a war, perhaps intentionally performing reckless actions was not the most sensible of ideas, and maybe it would get them both killed, in the end. But, even if not for herself, it lightened the disguised, morose atmosphere the Order could sometimes hold, and hope was important, right? She certainly hoped for much.
Marlene hid behind a mask of alcohol and brave but careless acts in order to, ironically, try and show her true self. She played drinking games to prove her worth, to try and make him see that she was the best, the most interesting and perfect girl for him, and though she enjoyed the nights out and was told that she was awfully entertaining under the influence, sometimes she just wished that he would go for her when he was sober.
She had taught herself not to be afraid, because the hopeful prize of being fearless was far more desirable than being safe. She had never liked safety nets anyway (always wanting someone else to catch her), and after a few drinks, she was happy to try anything.
But underneath her façade of firewhiskey bottles and hearty laughter, flirtatious smiles but adamant denial of lustful intents, perhaps Marlene was a coward for not openly expressing her feelings. Marlene McKinnon liked to think she was brave, but when it came to Sirius Black, perhaps she feared everything.
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