A/N: Hi guys! Long time, no talk! Sorry about that-I sort of joined a Big Bang over the last few months, but that's done now. Also, everyone give three cheers for my beta and sounding board, SerenityC! Also, this version of the fic is missing a final section that may be too graphic for FFnet. I'm not taking any chances. You can find the fic at AO3 under the same name and author for the complete version.

Chapter 19 - Joining

After an explanation of what Giles and the others had discovered, Xander stared at Dumbledore, contemplating the urge to reach across the desk and knock on his head. He bet if he did, he'd hear an echo, as the old man clearly had little going on between his ears if this was the best plan he had.

Beside him, Angel was fairly vibrating with rage. Laying a calming hand on the vampire's knee, Xander stared at the Headmaster. "So, Malfoy's found a way to get his hands on Voldie's power, that is about half likely to kill everyone around him in the process, and your big plan to stop him before that happens is… me. Just sending me off with a pat on the head and a wish for good luck—that's your great strategy?" Angel winced at the derision in his voice, but Dumbledore just continued to study him with those bright blue eyes. "I'm all for keeping everyone safe," Xander added, wanting to make that point clear, "but my magical skills are limited to floating feathers. And about half the time, I can't even do that."

Dumbledore smiled kindly at Xander, ignoring Angel entirely. "Your role in the matter is prophesied, Alexander," he said gently.

Although Xander tried not to laugh, a sarcastic snort escaped. He shook his head. "That's the argument you're trying?" he asked, incredulous. "For all your spying on me, you clearly didn't learn a thing."

The smile disappeared, as Dumbledore gave off an aura of grandfatherly disapproval. "So you would allow others to be hurt, perhaps killed, in your place?"

Xander stilled, his expression going flat in an effort to hide his fury at the accusation. With slow, almost relaxed, movements, he straightened from his prior slouch, unblinkingly holding Dumbledore's gaze. When he spoke, his voice was low and deadly. "That you would say such a thing to a Watcher, of all people, suggests that you are as dumb as you look. You think I don't understand your strategy, old man? I've met fledglings that were more cunning than you.

"I would die for this world. For my friends, for the innocent, I would happily put down my life—but only as a last resort. I might be expendable, but I'm not fucking cannon fodder. Nobody is, or at least nobody should be." He ran a hand through his hair, dimly thankful that Angel was supernaturally strong, because he had the feeling his grip on the vampire's leg was more than a bit tight by now. He was afraid to let go, afraid of what he might do to this stupid, thoughtless, reckless wizard without Angel's calming influence on his magic. "You don't get to throw me at Lucius just to see what happens. If you had a plan, with backups and contingencies, that would be different, but you haven't even thought that far ahead, because you don't really care what happens. Not to me. And for you to sit there and lay a goddamn guilt trip like that—to imply that my place in this world is to die for you—well, you just lost my last bit of respect for you as a leader. Angel might take that sort of shit, but I sure as hell won't." He stood up, scraping his chair against the floor, and held out a hand. "C'mon Angel. We're done here."

Looking at Xander as if he'd never seen the man before, Angel took the offered hand and stood. He gave Dumbledore a farewell nod before Xander dragged him out of the office. As soon as the door shut behind them, Xander paused, leaning against a wall and taking deep breaths.

Angel crowded close, and Xander leaned into his embrace with a sigh of relief. "That," Angel muttered in his ear, "was really hot."

Much to Xander's surprise, a weak chuckle escaped his throat. He buried his face in Angel's neck. "I don't want anybody to die," he whispered, knowing the vampire would hear him.

"I know," Angel murmured. "Let's go meet with the others, and try to find a real plan."

Only Giles, Buffy, and Dawn remained in the library. They took one look at Xander's face, and did not ask any questions. Instead, Giles directed him toward the pile of books that still needed to be reviewed while Buffy and Dawn turned to Angel with identical expressions of concern. "Dumbledore," Angel mouthed, and Buffy wrinkled her nose while Dawn shook her head.

Silence fell as everyone lost themselves in their reading. Several hours passed with no more sound than pages turning, before the door to the library opened and Willow entered. "Xander! Angel! I was looking for you," she said happily, flushing a bright red when the librarian hushed her.

Xander stiffened. "I was looking for you, too," he replied, shooting a quick glance at Angel. "I just… forgot."

Dawn looked between Xander and Willow. "What's going on?" she asked, poorly hiding her worry.

Xander stared at Willow, looking a bit desperate. "I'll tell them," Angel volunteered, laying a hand on the man's arm. "You talk to Willow."

The grateful smile he received was lovely. Xander nodded, seized Willow's hand, and all but dragged her out the door. Angel sighed as he turned to face the others. "We should probably go somewhere else," he told them. "Just in case you feel the urge to make noise."

The walk was made in silence. As soon as they were inside Xander's rooms, he turned to Willow, not even trying to hide his desperation. "Will it work?"

Willow smiled at him, sweet and comforting. "Yeah, Xander," she said softly. "I don't see any reason why it shouldn't."

Xander nodded, biting his lip. "Will it kill him?"

Her smile faded. "I don't think so," she replied, but she wouldn't look him in the eye as she spoke.

"What aren't you telling me?" Xander asked, leaning to the side as he tried to meet her gaze.

"Nothing!" Willow said quickly. Xander raised an eyebrow, and she admitted, "Something. It's just… this is going to be very painful for Angel. And Snape thinks Angel will be okay if he just uses you as a focal point but it's not for sure and I don't want to hurt anybody because it reminds me of—"

"Stop!" Xander said loudly, breaking into her babble. With a sigh, he took Willow's hand and led her into the sitting room where they sank onto the sofa, still hand in hand. "This isn't the same, Wills. You know that, right? Angel wants you to do this, even though it will hurt. You're hurting him in order to help him."

When she finally lifted her head to meet his gaze, Xander frowned at the tears he could see gathering in her eyes. "Oh, Willow," he murmured, giving her hand a squeeze. "You don't have to do this. We wouldn't want you to do anything that makes you sad."

She lifted her chin and managed a teary glare. "You need my help! I won't give up just because I'm scared." The last word was a whisper, and she scowled, obviously angry that she didn't sound more determined.

Xander felt a sudden rush of love for his oldest friend. They weren't as close as they once were, but he knew that Willow would do anything for him. He smiled at her. "I'm scared, too," he confessed, "but I feel better knowing you're helping. You're a good witch, and a good person—don't forget it."

She cuddled up against his side, and he wrapped an arm around her. "Thank you, Xander," she whispered. He kissed the top of her head, and they sat together for long moments before Willow broke the silence. "So…" she started, sounding mischievous, "have you thought about what you'll do after the ritual?"

"Uh, sleep, probably," Xander answered, confused. "I'm guessing Angel will be pretty tired."

Willow giggled. "No, I mean you and Angel! Together! Once he can't lose his soul," she elaborated, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.

Xander sat up straight so suddenly Willow almost fell into his lap. Thoughts of what he and Angel could do together filled his mind, and he felt utterly overwhelmed. "Willow!" he squawked. "I didn't- We haven't- I don't—" He could feel himself turning a bright, tomato-red.

Her smile slowly faded as he struggled for words. "I kind of thought you would be looking forward to that," she said, watching him in concern.

"I thought I would be, too!" Xander replied, running a hand through his hair. "But," he lowered his voice, "that's so gay." As the words left his mouth, he blinked in surprise.

Willow scowled. "And is that a problem, Mister?" she asked, putting her hands on her hips.

"Nope! No problems here!" Xander said hastily, raising his hands in surrender. His hands fell back into his lap as he added, "I just never thought I was gay." That wasn't entirely true—he'd done enough looking at certain boys as he grew up to entertain the possibility. "Or, at least, I never thought I'd do anything gay."

Narrowing her eyes, Willow asked impatiently, "Do we really need to have the conversation about labels again?"

Xander shook his head so hard he got dizzy. Of all the things in the world that might be helpful, Willow's lecture about Kinsey and scales and the reality of bisexuality was not on the list. "I didn't mean it that way," he said quickly. "I just meant… what if I'm bad at it? Kissing is one thing, but there's, you know, stuff that guys do that I've never done, and what if I don't like it? Or what if Angel doesn't like it when I do it?"

Willow shook her head, smiling at Xander as if he were Jeepers, the puppy they had at the slayer house who possessed an inability to tell when the glass door to the backyard was open. Everyone smiled at Jeepers because he was adorable, but there was always some concern, too, that maybe he wasn't smart enough to be loose on his own. "Do you care about Angel?" she asked.

"What's that got to do with anything?" he muttered, feeling put on the spot. When Willow gave him her Resolve Face, he caved. "Of course I do."

She beamed. "That's all that matters. I didn't know what I was doing with… with Tara," she explained, growing quiet and wistful at the end. "But when you care about the person, it works out."

Xander smiled, giving her a one-armed hug. "Promise?" he whispered.

"Promise," she vowed, leaning into the embrace.

Severus Snape looked up from his brewing at the sound of a knock on the door. With a sigh, he continued to stir as he called, "Enter." He raised an eyebrow as Angel, looking annoyed, stepped into the room, followed by the blonde Slayer, her sister, and her Watcher. Lips twisted into a sneer, Snape drawled, "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Ask them," Angel grunted, jerking his head in the direction of his friends.

Snape felt a glimmer of pleasure at the knowledge that the vampire was clearly uncomfortable. Stirring complete, he moved away from the cauldron and began chopping shrivelfigs. When he glanced up, everyone except Angel was staring at his knife. "What do you want?" he snapped, losing patience with the lot of them.

"Ah, yes," Giles stammered, jumping slightly as if Buffy had pinched him. "We were a bit curious about the ritual you are planning to perform on Angel. Re-souling a vampire is an issue with which we have unfortunately gained some experience; however, merging a soul and a demon is something entirely new to us."

"Hmm," Snape replied dubiously, still chopping. Somewhat irritated by the concern he could hear in the Watcher's voice, he let silence reign until he had added the shrivelfigs. Unfortunately, that was the last step before the potion had to sit for six hours, so he had no further reason to avoid the conversation. "Intellectual curiosity, is it?" he asked as he waved his wand to clean the countertop. "Not a fear that the greasy potions master will do away with the vampire entirely?"

"Well—" Dawn started, before Buffy stepped on her foot and silenced her.

"Look, Professor, we just want to know what you're going to do to Angel," she said bluntly. "We aren't accusing you of anything, we just want to know what's happening."

Snape studied them, slipping into their unprotected minds with ease. When he reached Angel, his eyes narrowed. "You did not wish them to come," he observed. "You trust that I will do as I have said." The why? went unstated.

Angel shrugged. "There are easier ways to kill me than involving Willow and Xander in a ritual. You wouldn't dust me when there are witnesses, and you're too worried about Xander to risk losing me that way." He let Snape see the truth of his comments before looking away, deliberating severing the legilimency probe.

"All the same," Giles said, looking between them, "I would be grateful for the opportunity to discuss the ritual." His voice grew harder. "Considering you and your colleagues have been spying on me and mine for months, I think this is a small favor to ask."

Inwardly rather impressed by the man's mettle, Snape lifted a shoulder in a gesture of ambivalence. "Very well. Before we speak, however, I have a matter to discuss with the vampire." They nodded, but made no movement to leave. "Alone," Snape added, glaring at them.

Much to Snape's aggravation, they still refused to leave until Angel said quietly, "It's fine." Only then would they exit the lab, making certain to reassure the vampire that they would be waiting right outside.

Once they were alone, Angel spoke before Snape could begin. "Stop reading their minds."

"Or?" Snape asked, not particularly worried.

"Or I tell them what you're doing and let Buffy and Faith have at you," Angel replied. The vampire had the gall to smirk at him. "Spells may be strong, but Slayers are faster."

Snape harrumphed, and changed the subject. "If you have any sense at all," he said, clearly doubtful that this was the case, "you will use Harris as a focal point during the ritual. As he is bound to both the soul and the demon, he should be able to ground you so that you retain your sanity."

Angel blinked, startled. "I said something similar to Xander," he commented. "Will a meditative state be helpful?"

"If you can maintain it," Snape replied, surprised that he would think to ask. "I assume he will be present during the ritual?" Angel nodded, though he did not appear pleased. "Good. At a certain point, the success of this ritual depends entirely on you. I hope you understand the risk you are taking."

Much to his surprise, Angel smiled in genuine amusement. "It's no risk," he said confidently.

Snape rolled his eyes, cursing cocky vampires to the deepest depths of hell, and waved his wand to open the door so he could explain the ritual to the others and be left alone.

The next couple days passed in a haze of lessons and training, and before Xander knew it, he was in the dungeons watching Snape and Willow prepare for the ritual. Angel stood beside him, exuding confidence, but Xander was still nervous. "Don't worry," Angel murmured, leaning into Xander until their shoulders were touching. "I can do this."

Scowling to hide the fact that his lower lip was trembling, Xander turned to him, poking Angel in the chest. "You'd better," he said, trying to sound threatening. "If this goes wrong I'm kicking your ass."

Angel seized the poking finger, covering Xander's hand with both of his. "Just… reach out," he suggested. "I'll find you."

Before Xander could point out that he had no idea what that meant, Snape called for them to start. Angel took his place before Snape and Willow, while Xander moved to an out of the way corner. While Xander watched, Snape gave Angel a goblet that was emitting bright purple smoke. Angel gulped at the potion, but whatever it was must have been powerful, as he fell to his knees while still drinking. Blank-faced, Snape helped Angel to swallow the rest, then took the goblet and stepped back a safe distance before beginning to chant in a language that Xander didn't recognize.

And Angel started to scream.

Xander slid down the wall until he was sitting with his arms wrapped around his legs, crying at the sound of such pain. He could barely hear Snape's monotone chant under Angel's shouts, and Xander thought frantically about what the vampire had said.

Reach out. The words reminded Xander of something, but it took embarrassingly long before he remembered when Angel had guided him into a trance, how their bond was present in his mind. "Okay," Xander muttered to himself, screwing his eyes shut tight, "I can do this." With the strength born of sheer desperation, he searched his mind for that warm feeling the bond gave him, shutting out the sound of Angel's pain.

To put it frankly, Willow was pretty darn terrified.

The moment Snape had started chanting, Angel had begun screaming, and she could see Xander crumble to the ground. Eventually, the screams had faded into moans, but when Willow turned to check on Xander, she saw him slumped over his legs, apparently unconscious. And then she couldn't even do anything to help either of them, because it was her turn in the ritual, and she didn't know what would happen if they stopped halfway through.

So she turned to the magic, and let it flow through her. A sharp intake of breath from Snape warned that her eyes and hair had turned black, but she had no time for his fear, as she could suddenly see the fragile connection between Angel's soul and his demon. The words she'd practiced for days flew from her mouth without conscious thought, as she fed power into the bond.

But it wasn't just the joining within Angel that she was strengthening. Willow's magic found the bond between Angel and Xander, and fed that, too.

Angel's world was on fire.

Dimly, he could hear his own screams, but he was trapped inside himself, unable to move as his very being felt as if it were melting. The pain was not purely physical—he could feel his soul crying out, resisting the call to fuse with a demon just as the demon rebelled in kind. Angel was familiar with pain, had experience withstanding torture of various sorts, but he was afraid this agony was too much to handle.

Just when he felt sanity slipping away, the connection with Xander widened, deepened, and the warm touch of Xander's mind brushed against his own. Both soul and demon grasped desperately at the contact, joined in common purpose, and their rejection of the merging faded with this common ground. The pain fell to the back of Angel's awareness as he was filled with thoughts of Xander.

It still hurt. They were forcing a joining that never should happen—of course there was pain—but now, surrounded by Xander's presence, Angel knew he could endure.

Xander opened his eyes to find himself in the infirmary. He sighed, internally grousing that he was sick of waking up on the same stiff hospital bed.

"I know the feeling," Angel groaned from the bed beside him. Xander turned onto his side, so he could look at Angel. He looked good, Xander decided, nice and undead and not dusted. Angel grinned at him. "Good to know you think so."

"I didn't mean it that way!" Xander yelped, then paused, realizing he hadn't said anything out loud. Angel was answering him from in his head.

"Am I?" Angel asked, looking intrigued.

Xander could feel his eye growing huge. "Oh God, I think you can read my mind," he said, horrified, and just like when Buffy had been a mind-reader, he immediately starting thinking about sex.

Angel started laughing, deep belly-laughs like Xander had never heard before. Xander would have been embarrassed, but he felt a wave of affection wash over him, and a reassurance that Angel wasn't laughing at him, as much as he was laughing at the way Xander's mind worked. Xander frowned. "My mind works like a normal person's!" he said, insulted. "You try not thinking about sex when I'm reading your mind!"

"I didn't say anything out loud," Angel mildly pointed out. "But I have a little more mental control than you do." He grinned, wolf-like, and for just a moment Xander's mind was inundated with thoughts of him and Angel, together, naked—and then it stopped, like a switch had been thrown. "Which means," Angel added, lowering his voice, "that if I'm sending you thoughts, I'm doing it on purpose."

Xander blinked at him, aware he was blushing madly. Before he could think of a reply, Madame Pomfrey bustled out of her office. "About time you two awoke," she commented, as she waved her wand over Xander.

Angel's eyes narrowed. "How long were we out?" he asked.

"It's been about two and a half days since the ritual," she replied, sounding disapproving of the entire affair.

"No wonder I'm so hungry," Xander said thoughtfully.

Angel opened his mouth to respond, but closed it again when the doors to the infirmary swung open and Willow burst in. "You're awake!" she cried. "How are you? We don't know why Xander wouldn't wake up until you did, but we think the ritual worked, so that's good, but it's hard to be sure until we could ask you, so did it?"

"Yes," Angel and Xander answered in unison, then laughed, a bit uncomfortably.

You feel it, too? Angel mentally asked Xander, who nodded.

You feel… like one, instead of two, Xander replied. There aren't any jagged edges anymore.

Willow's gaze bounced between them. "Um, what are you doing?" she asked uneasily.

Angel gave her his best comforting smile. Unfortunately, he wasn't very good at comforting, as evidenced by Xander's mental laughter, and the question What is wrong with your face? "The ritual seems to have had an unanticipated side effect," he said, keeping his tone light.

Willow's face fell, and she started wringing her hands with worry. "Oh no! What's wrong?" she asked.

"We can kind of read each other's minds," Xander answered. "And… feel things." His face flushed. "Feelings! We feel feelings!"

Angel started laughing again, knowing exactly where Xander's mind had gone. Willow looked at them like they'd gone insane. "Maybe it will fade?" she said uncertainly. "Or, we could try to stop it."

Angel's laughter stopped abruptly. "I think that would be a bad idea," he said, a bit panicked at the thought of losing Xander.

I'm not going anywhere, Xander told him mentally, sensing his alarm. "I think it just strengthened what was already there," he said aloud. "Remember? We were already kind of connected."

"Right," Willow mumbled, biting her lip. "I'll go talk to Snape, maybe we can figure out what went wrong," she said sadly, and hurried off before they could reply.

Angel and Xander exchanged a look, and then turned to Madame Pomfrey, who had been quietly examining them throughout their conversation with Willow. "So… can we go?" Xander asked hopefully, giving her his best puppy eye.

She rolled her eyes. "There was nothing wrong with either of you. I just wanted to check once you were awake that nothing had changed." She slipped her wand into a pocket, and nodded. "You're free to go."

Needing no further encouragement, they left. Not more than three steps away from the infirmary, they ran into Harry and Draco. "Yep, we're awake," Xander said cheerfully, before they could speak. "Yep, it worked, with a bonus mind-meld. Talk to Willow for the details, and try to convince her to lay off the mojo, would you please? Gotta go!" Grabbing Angel's hand, he pulled the vampire past the two confused wizards.

"Why are we running from your brother and Harry?" Angel asked curiously, as they hurried down the hall.

Because all I can think about is sex, until I get some, Xander snapped mentally. He missed a step while walking and almost tripped over his own two feet. That's not what I meant to say! This mind thing sucks!

Smothering a chuckle with a cough, Angel squeezed Xander's hand. We'll go to your rooms and I'll help you get some control over the mind thing, okay? He waited for Xander's grudging agreement before adding, And then we'll make love so you can stop thinking about it.

This time, only Angel's grip on his hand kept Xander upright.

By the time they reached his rooms, Xander was feeling pretty freaked out, and he knew Angel could tell. "I was only kidding," Angel said quietly as he closed the door behind them. "I won't force you to do anything you don't want to do."

"I know you won't," Xander protested, upset that Angel felt he needed to say as much. "And trust me, I want to do things, I do!"

Angel moved closer in slow, cautious movements. "Then why are you frightened?" He put his hand over Xander's mouth, stopping a reflexive denial. "I can feel your fear, but your thoughts are too fast for me to understand."

I'm not afraid of you! Xander thought, slowly and clearly, and was pleased to see Angel relax. He reached up to move Angel's hand. "But isn't this weird? You're Angel! I'm Xander!"

Confusion drifted over their bond, as Angel tilted his head to the side. "You haven't had a problem kissing me," he pointed out, a bit defensive.

"That's because when you kiss me, I can't think!" Xander snapped. "You kiss me, and it's like my brain turns off. But now my brain is on, and all I can think about is what if you end up hating me like you used to do?" He paused in surprise. That wasn't what he had expected to say, but now that his words hung in the air he realized it was a real concern for him. "My relationships don't end well. Ever," he tried to explain. "But this is different. You're a part of me." I don't want to lose you.

Angel's face softened, his eyes soft and warm like they had been in his dreams. "I never hated you," he murmured. "You frustrated me, and I dreamed about knocking you unconscious, but it was never hate. And I didn't know you then like I do now." You won't lose me, he sent mentally, with a rush of tenderness so strong Xander closed his eye, afraid of what his expression might show.