Himawari/chapter 119 spoilers.

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At her beloved grandmother's funeral, her mother held her hand and cried with her. Her mother told her time and time again, whispering beneath the priest's sermon, "Darling, this was fate. Fate itself took Grandmother from us, never forget that," and she tried so hard to believe. She tried so hard to believe that those words weren't just motherly comfort. She hates herself for knowing better.

Her mother would whisper false comfort more often after the funeral. She thought it was the guilt (the worked-for, well-deserved guilt) in her eyes that gave her away, so she learnt to smile so not a soul could tell. When she's so close to tears and self-disgust, it's a little hard to hide from prying eyes, and Mother sees and tells her that she is God's hand to help fate; there's no shame in that.

"I will hurt everyone around me. By living, I allow my affluence to hurt or kill people. I am selfish; does that truly require no shame?"

Apart of her knows there no person on Earth could answer that for her, not a soul who knows. No one who can truly answer and it's not one of those things you can explain, but she stills feels the need to ask. 'It does,' she answers for herself, 'but this shame will not rule me.'

Her choice is to rule over shame. She chooses selfishness.

Then she met the Witch. Pretty, pretty Yuuko, Space and Time Witch with all the answers. Pretty Witch knows which way is left and which way is death and she's seem every life in every world played over and over again like bad reruns with new clothes and new rules. So, while poor, poor Watanaki (her victim) sleeps, she asks Yuuko in hushed voices.

"I'd rather put those I love in danger then give up the last pieces of happiness in my remaining life – does that make me selfish; do I deserve shame?"

"Yes."

And she laughs. She finally got her answer, and she takes her shame.

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(Her poor, poor victim sees her back in the change room while trying to give her the gym clothes she's forgotten and sees scars, disgusting scars and she tries to explain away and say that these have just always been there, always. These are just her shame. You just couldn't see them before but, really, they've always been there. They're always been there.)

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NOTES:

1. – Inspired by the line "She couldn't quite explain that they've always just been there," in Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm by Crash Test Dummies. Obviously written after 119.

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