Author: KrisKenshin
Pairing: Roy x Ed
Type: Gag, Fluff, Yaoi, Lemon
Rating: NC-17 to R (for lots of foul language and graphic sexual situations)
Disclaimer: I do NOT own, in any way, Fullmetal Alchemist! If I did we would still be watching new episodes, which would have ultimately ended up with Roy and Ed getting together in an overpoweringly FLUFFY way that would have lead to them constantly having SMEX in every possible situation, location, and POSITION!
WARNING: If you DON'T like Yaoi (or also known as Gay relations, implied or sexually explicit, both of which WILL be included here) you should immediately press the BACK button and remove yourself from the situation that you are about to involve your retinas in, which of course could cause slight irritation and possible burning in some cases.

Note:
-R- Roy's point of view
-E- Ed's point of view
Italics Roy or Ed's Thoughts depending on point of view

Chapter 1 – Every…Last…!

-R-

It was eight o'clock in the evening and Roy was actually working diligently on his paperwork… for once.

The paper stacks waiting to be signed, so 'lovingly' organized by Riza earlier that morning, were a daunting fort all around the edge of his desk. On this day he couldn't even see over them unless he stretched up in his chair.

However at the moment he was thoroughly immersed in a field report, as a short nineteen year old blond strode into the office through the open door.

-E-

Glancing around and not immediately seeing anyone in the room, Ed flopped down onto the leather couch to his left with a soft swoosh of air, the barely audible sound covered by the persistent squeak of the overhead ceiling fan spinning innocently above him.

Immediately slumping, his left arm flopped on the armrest and the other was flung to the side along the back. His brought his leg up to snag over his left knee by the ankle and let his head fall back as he waited.

I am fucking tired. That last lead the Colonel gave me had of course led to nothing important, that led to nothing I was interested in, that caused me nothing but trouble. I only hoped that for ONCE the Colonel has not heard all that had happened. I'm really not in the mood to listen to that Bastard drawl on and on about how I need to be more responsible and how military funding is not there so I can destroy as much property as possible just so they could have something to do. Because no matter what my point of view is on the matter, the military is not my own personal playground catering to my every whim.

Yeah well, I know that! I can't help it if fate keeps walking up to me, grinning wolfishly and constantly flinging pooh in my face!

Yeah, MAYBE I could have handled the situation better, but it's not my fault they fucking STAMPEEDED! How was I to know a camel could be spooked!? And sure after the camel freaked out it ran straight at the elephant, which made the horses start to run around, causing the second, third and FOURTH elephants to charge, spazzing out the trainer who started screeching at me at the top of his lungs like fingernails on a chalk board.

Physically cringing at the memory of that horrible man's voice, he closed his eyes trying to forget the whole incident.

…Until of course the Bastard Colonel brings it back up and rubs it in my face.

He brought his right hand up, to cover his eyes and give them a good rub to ward off his exhaustion.

Where is that bastard any way!? Hawkeye is going to riddle him with bullet holes with all that paperwork waiting for him on his desk.

He's probably off flirting with some boobs and long legs.

And I just want to go back to the dorms so I can shower and sleep for the next five years!

…Come to think of it, maybe it is ok if the Colonel gets murdered by his First Lieutenant, then I won't have to make my report.

Smiling to himself at the thought, he listened to the ceiling fan's incessant squeaking, Eyes still closed he let his arm fell back over the top of the couch as his mind began to wander.

-R-

Finishing the current report he was on, Roy quickly scribbled his signature at the bottom and placed it on the decidedly shorter stack of 'completed' papers. Mentally sighing, he begrudgingly pulling the next report off the closest pile, dropped his head back down and continued to read.

…The boring details about even more boring people in an ever more boring town in the middle of Boringville!

This time Roy sighed out loud.

-E-

What was that!?

Flinging his eyes open Ed raised his head and quickly scanned the office for anything out of the ordinary, ears straining to hear the slightest sound.

Damned ceiling fan! Can't hear anything! How can the Bastard stand that thing? It never quits!! Just keeps squeaking and squeaking and SQUEAKING!!

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!! DAMN IT!!" he screeched for all of Central to hear.

-R-

Papers went flying …EVERYWHERE!

Roy had jumped so violently at the close proximity of Ed's yell that he had flung his arms out, slamming them into the pristine towers of paperwork. He had then wrenched his hands back to his chest in hopes of catching his heart so he could calm the attack he was currently having!

It almost looks like it's snowing. Granted it was snowing really large, rather square snow that will get me placed in the morgue with a bullet right between the eyes!

His chest heaved as he looked down at his desk in abject horror!

Every… Last…!

Paper was scattered, the last pages drifting serenely down to rest peacefully on every flat surface in his office. Calming his breathing he quickly removed the look of terror that had jumped onto his face. He replaced it with the iciest glare in his arsenal and aimed it point blank at the offending blond.

At least he has the decency to LOOK like he's about to be flame broiled!

-E-

Oh… Shit!

Shit!

Shit!

SHIT!

"…Oh S-" Ed gasped.

"OH!? OH!! THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?" the Colonel roared, effectively cutting him off before he could finish vocalizing his 'oh so intelligent' response to the situation. The pitch of the Colonel's voice was achingly similar to the animal trainer's from earlier in the week. The Colonel's right hand had risen and his fingers were pressed so tightly together Ed thought that they were going to shatter bone.

Wait a minuet…

"WHERE THE HELL DID YOU COME FROM!?" he yelled glaring and hunching his shoulders.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN!?" he bellowed as sparks danced menacingly around the Colonel's gloved hands.

-R-

"HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN HERE?!" Fullmetal barked again.

What the…?

"I'VE BEEN HERE ALL DAY FULLMETAL AND NOW BECAUSE OF YOUR RIDICULOUS ANTICS I WILL BE HERE ALL NIGHT AS WELL!!" he paused as he allowed a supremely evil smile creep across his face.

No, I don't think I will stay here all night but I do know one short, yes, decidedly short, granted not as short as he used to be but still short, blond alchemist that will be staying and sorting ALL of these papers according to date before I come back into work tomorrow morning.

Continuing in a curt voice, "YOU, Fullmetal" he paused for emphasis, pointing his finger in a sharp jab, "are going to sort these files and have them in the EXACT order that my lovely First Lieutenant carefully organized for me just this morning, and then I want you to report back here tomorrow at 08:00 hours for your report that will be handed in TYPED with FULL details DWELLING on the particulars about how you managed to cause a STAMPEED and DESTROY half the town of Yuswell in the process. Do I make myself clear?" Roy's felt a familiar smug sense of triumph at the look on Fullmetal's face.

Ha! Fullmetal looks like his eyes are gonna bug out of his head any second.

-E-

Ed's eyes were unquestionably bugging out of his head, as well as his lower jaw that was practically dragging on the hard tile floor at his feet.

His brain functions came to a screeching halt as he watched the Colonel snatch his keys out of his desk drawer, stand up and stroll out of the office, abandoning Ed who stared after him in astonishment as the squeaking fan gently fluttered papers throughout the office in his wake.

I'm gonna have to have a long talk with fate one of these days about its obsession with pooh.

Thank you for reading, please comment, Cookies for Reviews!! - Shout out to readers in Sri Lanka, you Rock!! XD - KrisKenshin