Enter Isabella "Bella" Marie Swan, perfect Mary Sue, complete with angst-ridden past, tragic life story. She is kind, noble and the object of lusty desire for every male character, human, leech and… dog.

She is sickly sweet sixteen, and thinks that she is ugly. But do not be fooled. This ignorance is discreetly feigned. With a whiff of perfume, she ensnares the male sex (100 percent success rate for cool guys). And she knows it.

Actually, the stupid bad guys who hate her all die in the end. And so we shall not discuss them.

Ahem. The storm clouds gather and there is now a hailstorm of blatant foreshadowing. An epic battle of Light and Dark ensues as Isabella moves from sunny Phoenix, Arizona to rainy Forks, Washington. Here, she is caught in a whirlwind of chaos, sexy leeches, Love, Lust, Fate, Sacrifice and Angst. I hope you can imagine the emo music blaring out right now. Something loud and morose. Wind is blowing; her hair is flapping in the manner of a L' Oreal Ad. Lightning and Thunder cross melodramatically in the background. There is a smell of ozone in the air.

Stop. Before we get your hopes up, we must stop. None of this soap opera happens until the last two chapters. Let us now get on with life.

Start all over again. Isabella's mother is set on having a new romance. Her new sex partner, Phil Dwyer, is a pathetic attempt at league baseball stardom. He never makes it, fortunately. Now, Isabella's mom Renée is so madly in love that she wants to travel the universe with Phil. Isabella, torn between her love for her mother and her… love for her mother decides to sacrifice her interests for the sake of the greater good. Amen.

And thus, our female fatale goes to live with her dad, Charlie. He fortunately doesn't fall in love with his beautifully bountiful and nubile daughter. If this had not been so, then we would have enjoyed a highly complicated theme of incest, inverted Electra Complex and a bagload more of awards. So there.

Our dear Bella goes to school. Shy, shy Bella prances with the grace of a Swan to school. The doors fling open and angels sing. There is an ethereal light emanating from beyond the clouds. Oh, it's just the Sun. But look! As Bella flounces and traipses down the school corridor, we witness a mysterious phenomenon. Members of the male sex start falling to the floor when they come within a ten-metre radius of Bella. Once again, fake ignorance prevails. We begin to wonder if Bella's cranium is really not filled with a bath sponge.

She speaks, "Oh dear, why is everyone swooning around me?"

We don't know, honey. But we think you do. At least we hope so.

Anyway, it is now magically lunchtime. Bella goes to eat. Oh no, she doesn't. One forgets that she is a closet bulimic. She heads straight to the sexiest people hanging around the canteen. Now that our scene is set, let the story begin!

Stepping forward timidly, she gasps. "They're so beautiful!"

And her next exclamation is: "They're hotter than I am!"

And her third is: "Why aren't they fawning over me?" Think of the indignant tone.

The members of the quiet group are all strangely pale and beautiful, the flawless white of their skin contrasting sharply against the dreary school background. One of them looks up. He is hot. But that's an understatement. His nose-to-face length ratio is as perfect as the Mona Lisa's, the Golden ratio, to be precise. Even the angle of elevation of his nose is perfect.

Then their eyes meet.

An irresistible sex beam shoots straight out of his eyes and a strange tingling sensation reverberates throughout Bella's entire being. He turns away and she is consumed by an enormous gulf of sadness.

Oh, would the Sun ever appear bright in my eyes again? Bella counterfeited despair. The popular me? How could they callously ignore me so?

But truth to be told, neither did poor Bella know that he had caught her irresistibly deliciously delicate scent. It was her blood, oh that sweet blood. Hail the Blood! So sweet it was that it would probably give him diabetes. Nevertheless, he was undeterred. His passions stirred and he tried oh so very hard to ignore her.

I will snag that guy. The impudence! To think that he could avert his eyes away from my mock despair! Arch! I might even have to stage my swooning act soon. I will get him; he will be the trophy of my conquest of the Male Sex. Hee hee hee…

Time passed quickly until the Biology lesson; did anyone tell you that time was relative? I enter the classroom in the most alluring way possible – shirt half-unbuttoned, shifted suggestively to one side. I leave the rest to your imagination. The teacher asks me to dress appropriately the next time, I feign ignorance and apologise.

The guy was the only one sitting alone. Oh the anti-social freak! Oh wait, maybe he has some dark, mysterious past… how attractive! I sit down beside him and act as though I do not think much of it. But in all truth his eyes captivate my mind, my body, my soul. Is it I who err in my seeing, or does he truly sparkle? Alas, I know not.

He turns to me with the hostile glare of a wounded animal, full of anger and fear. My, how manly he is! One such as he is truly worthy of me. He is curt in speech and silent for most of the lesson, always keeping a distance from me. Aha, I know now that he must think of me as some Sacred Goddess, too holy to touch or see. I smile, for my Secret Attack: Charm has worked.