( Right. This is the first time I've ever tried writing for 00, and the first time I've tried writing in first person, so I hope I don't mess it up.. )

People say you drink to forget.

If that's true, why do I always remember more clearly?

I can see their reflections there at the bottom of the glass looking back at me. Asking me why I didn't try harder. Why I didn't save them. And I can never answer them. I just refill the glass to drown out their faces. But somehow, I can never drown out their voices.

"Sumeragi-san?"

"Sumeragi-san!"

So many names, so many voices. I wasn't able to change the world, to save anyone. Everyone had such ideals. That perhaps if we only believed enough, we could make everything right. Was that naive? Probably, but we never thought much it back then. And I was caught up in it all. All that enthusiasm.

But we didn't change anything. Not for the better, at least. And we lost so many more. Before, it was different. They knew the risks, knew it could all end tomorrow in some highly dramatic fashion, and while that didn't make what happened any less my fault, it did make it slightly more bearable. But the others, Christina, Lichty, Lockon, Allelujah...they weren't soldiers. They just wanted to make the world a better place.

And I let them down.

At least the drink went some way toward numbing it all. Now I don't even have that comfort. All I can do is sit here in the room they gave me, the lights off so I can hide from everyone, and wish I was someplace else. I didn't ask Setsuna to bring me back here - this is the last place I ever wanted to be. Why they even needed me I don't know...I'm the reason they needed a new ship, a new crew, even a new Lockon. So why was everyone so happy to see me?

I don't fit in here anymore. Everyone's so strong. Even though they weren't able to make a difference, weren't able to change the world the way they wanted to, they still haven't given up. The way Setsuna put it...he made it all sound so easy. If the world hasn't changed as you wanted it to, then just try again. Simple, and still so idealistic. Just one ship and two Gundams against the entire world. As though that could make any difference. Far easier to just run away, to pretend that the bad things don't exist. To just hide from everything.

But again, I don't have that comfort now. He took it away from me. And I lost the only voice that went any way toward drowning out the others.

"Kujou..."

I was ready to just drink until there was nothing left of me, until I faded into nothingness, but he found me. For two years he took care of me, cleaning up after me and coping with my appalling behaviour always with the same smile, the same patience. The thought of him always causes guilt, but also a sort of stability. He never knew what I did, never knew everything about me...but he was one of the few people left in the world who knew the real me, the person I was before I became 'Sumeragi'.

I don't know if I ever loved him the way he loved me, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't fond of him. It's hard to live with someone's kindness and affection for that long and not be swayed by it, even if you can never completely let your guard down around them. But in the end he was another that I ended up betraying. Someone else who's life I ruined.

If only Setsuna hadn't found me..

( I'm not too sure I like this, but we'll see. Only a oneshot so far, but I may write more as the series progresses, and we see if poor Sumeragi learns to live again.

please read and review! )