A/N: Ugh, so I got a low C on my last midterm, which equals FAIL in azn and to the people who give me my scholarship… I need a 3.0 GPA, which is straight B's… guuhhh I need ventwriting. ):
So anyway I've recently seen the first episode of the newest season of Hannah Montana because of boredom and I have to say, I do like the humor loaaads better… and Emily got way prettier LOL I love her hair. But the acting… ): I don't like their "over the top" acting (especially in Miley's case), but it had gotten better between the first episode and last season and now… D': That, and I disliked the ending (even if I adored the Liley bits) because it was just so overly cliché, but thank GOD because I don't like Lackson. No offense to those who do like them together because I'm sure this episode killed you all, but I'm sorry, I'd rather half of the Liley fandom turn into LoliverslashMoliver extremists. XD;; Oh well episode's over, here's a toast to Liley subtext! 8D
Thank you for all the reviews (and reaaallyyy early birthday wishes what XD;;) I appreciate you all lots so, here, have a long chapter! I didn't want to split it because I'm too lazy and impatient. I skipped Lilly's grounding because she doesn't do anything to defy her mother and possibly extend her sentence so it'd be boring to read. Haha. And gasp! Ollie's here yay.
croaker001: Seriously?! We have the same birthday? Wow, happy early birthday to you too then! 8D
Disclaimer: do not own HM, obviously, since I was complaining about the new episode above. ): Songs are "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been" by Relient K and "Beauty in the Breakdown" by The Scene Aesthetic. The chap title's from the song, but not the song name because the name is so freaking long. D:
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Fiction
Ch 5: Shy Away
And I was positive that unless I got myself together, I would watch me fall apart.
And I can't let that happen again.
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Sometimes I wish I had never made friends with Miley. She's absolutely ridiculous, she's selfish and arrogant and, frankly, an all out liar. Did I mention selfish? And yet, over our years of friendship, I can't help but believe every word out of her pretty little mouth. And then I realize that I couldn't stand not being friends with her right now because every fiber of my being, every coherent thought in my head, everything I do; it's all to make her happy. And when I think of it like that, I'm happy too. I'm happy making her happy.
So, sitting here on her bed and wrapped in blankets that drown me in her smell, I'm forcing a smile as I watch her flutter around in the new sundress Jake sent her imported from God-knows-where and I tell her how pretty she looks in his dress, all the while hoping that she'd look even prettier in something I would pick out.
To be honest I'm doing a horrible job of hiding my jealousy, but green's always been my colour anyway and Miley's on too much of a high to notice. The dress is Jake's apology gift – they had a fight after she ditched him for me last Friday – and honestly? It's so cheap of him. Of the both of them, actually. Not money-wise because that dress must have cost a fortune, but it's so… formal and businesslike. I would have sent her a song or a poem or something I actually had to think about, not something so materialistic that must've taken all of what? Ten minutes of my assistant's time to pick ou – god damn it, why is she still giggling?
"Isn't it the most beautiful dress you've ever seen, Lil?" She smiles some more and twirls around a bit and my eyes fall to where the dress lifts a little. I'll admit the assistant has nice taste, but it makes me cringe to know exactly where Jake's eyes will be when she wears this for him. Then again, I perk up a little because she won't be twirling around like that for him after the initial excitement wears off.
"Only when it's on you." I mumble as I close my eyes and lean against the headboard and smile because the last thing I saw was her blushing face.
"I bet it'd look just as good on you." She says back to me and I have to bite my tongue to keep from laughing at her when her voice hikes up all excited-like as she says, "Wanna try it on?" … really, now?
"Me? In a dress? Are you going to bribe me, Stewart? It better be something good, 'cause that's the only way you'll get me to wear it." I open one eye to find hers locked onto me and she's smiling and I swallow before continuing, "W-what?"
The only thing that's going through my mind as she crawls onto the bed is how much her dress is hiking up and how much cleavage I can see from this angle and – damn it, she was right. I am an old man undressing her in my head.
"What exactly do you want, Truscott?" She says as she climbs on top of me, her eyes shining with that dark little smirk I can't read, and I can't answer her because she has this effect on me where the connection from my mouth to my brain just fries, so I whimper and swallow and screw my eyes shut and she takes that as my answer and begins to nibble on my earlobe.
When the phone vibrates in my back pocket and startles me, my hips slam into hers and she groans before resuming her attack on my lips. She also reaches into my pocket for me and takes out my phone to drop it onto the floor like the talented little multi-tasker she is – because she doesn't want to risk the interruption I guess – and I let her because I already knew who it was.
I'll have to apologize to Oliver later for ditching him yet again.
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"You can't do this."
"You can't tell me what to do." She doesn't look at me as she keeps packing her suitcase, and I feel like tearing out her guts because that's what it feels like she's doing to me right now. I feel like screaming because I want her to stop her stupid packing. I feel like crying because I want her attention.
"Do you know what's going to happen on that boat, Miley? He's going to try to –"
"He's not gonna try anything. Daddy's going on the boat too. Jake isn't stupid."
"You're not going to be with your dad twenty-four seven, Miles. What if the only reason for this stupid cruise is because you've been seeing Jake off and on for the past year, and he thinks taking things a step further will make you stay with him forever?"
"Ugh. It's not even a whole weekend, Lils. Nothing's gonna happen. So would you quit worrying?" She turns around to face me and she pauses because I think she can see the panic in me. I feel panicked and I don't think I can control myself anymore because she's staring at me with sad, sorry eyes. I don't want her to look at me like that.
"Would you quit doing this to me?" I say because I can't stop myself, and she takes a step back and becomes even more defensive – and I really don't like my mouth right now.
"I'm not doing anything, Lilly."
"You're going with him."
"He's my boyfriend. Of course I –"
"Then what am I?" I stare at the floor because I can't look at her and it feels like an eternity before I hear her answer and my mind shatters.
"… Lilly, you're my best friend. I'm sorry, okay? I just-"
"No! I don't want to hear it!" I scream because she didn't say what I wanted her to say and because talking doesn't work right now and because there's a huge vacuum of space between us where I'm afraid all the sound will disappear into. She doesn't say anything and she doesn't move so I clench my fists and storm out because she doesn't deserve my tears, and I don't stop when Mr. S calls my name because I don't want to stay in this house, and I don't stop when I pass my home because I can't be alone right now and my mom is off on one of her dates, and I don't stop when I see the ocean because the sand reminds me of her and the waves remind me of me and the beach makes me feel so sad.
So I stop at Oliver's house.
"Lilly? What the heck are you doing here?" He says as he steps to the side while I climb through his window. "I shouldn't even let you in, you big jerk." He huffs and I deserve it because I've been ignoring his existence in the past few weeks for MileyLilly time, but he stops when he sees my face. He gives me that same sorry look Miley did and I feel like crying all over again and when he gives me a hug, I don't let go so I don't have to see that look, and when I apologize he just laughs a little and mumbles that it's no big deal. "What's wrong, Lils?"
"Why does she have to be with him, Ollie?" I whisper into his shoulder. "Why can't she just be happy with me?" I proceed to pour my heart out to my longest, dorkiest friend and I don't know why since he won't know how to help me anyway but for some reason, as he rubs my back and whispers compliments into my ear trying to boost my crushed ego despite the clearly shocking news that his best friends were too busy in bed to hang out with him, I feel so much better. I feel lighter now that someone knows the inner intricacies of my heart and I'm grateful for a friend like Oliver – until he makes a comment about videotaping the two of us making out and selling it online. I laugh and punch him on the arm before he goes off to get us some sodas and I'm left on his bed, staring out the window at the moon shining behind the clouds.
The sun isn't even up yet when I hear the knocking on my door on Sunday. I groan and roll over because I've been nothing but a lump all weekend anyway, but the pounding doesn't stop and when I get up to unlock it, Miley bursts through and she doesn't even say hello before her cold mouth is on mine and, God, I hate myself for not being able to push her away and for kissing her back almost as eagerly as she kissed me.
Between those kisses, she tells me "I missed you," over and over and the funny part is that when I feel her teeth on one of the sensitive areas on my neck that she's taken advantage of many times before, I also feel her tears splashing against my skin and that makes me cry too.
I don't dare ask her what happened on that cruise.
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Whenever we're alone together, Miley and I never look at each other anymore and we never talk about it; we just do things, because throughout whatever-it-is-that-we're-doing, we're both positive of only three things.
Eyes betray the soul. Words betray the heart. And actions can't possibly betray anything because our actions do nothing; our actions haven't done anything at all. Actions are nothing.
And neither of us really mind it, because she's afraid of breaking and I'm afraid of her breaking and we're both afraid of us breaking and oh God, I'm so scared, but it's fine because as long as nothing is betrayed then nothing will be broken. As long as nothing is betrayed, nothing can break us. Nothing will break us. Nothing…
Actions are nothing. So everything is fine.
I keep telling myself that.
"Ms. Truscott."
"Mrs. Jones."
"Have a seat." She waves to the desk immediately in front of hers, and I swallow hard. Words betray my heart, and I've let my words loose on more than just a few sheets of paper. I've let my words tear my assignments apart. I'm a horrible person, and I can't handle my words on my own anymore.
"I'm sorry you had to wait so long for me. I just wanted to talk to you about… well, I'm just a little worried about your latest works." She says as she lays out my last three stories on her desk. I shuffle my feet a bit because I knew this was coming and I'm suddenly grateful that she's someone who actually appreciates student confidentiality and hasn't called my mother in to talk about my morbid mental state. Yet. "They're wonderful reads, like always, but… Lilly, is there something wrong?"
"No." I don't look at her. I can feel her eyes beckoning mine, daring me to look at her but I know that I can't let her have both. I can't let her have my words and my eyes. Not her. "They're just stories."
"But they all end the same way. You drown in all of them."
"The protagonist drowns."
"You used first person."
"I like first person. The readers connect more." I shrug, I sigh, I close my eyes. The back of my eyelids reassure me, iron me, and I get up slowly against my teacher's hazel gaze. "Is that all, Mrs. Jones? Can I go now?"
"… okay, Lilly. But I do hope that in the next story, our unnamed protagonist gets a happy ending, no matter how much you know I love your angst fictions." She offers me a soft smile, and I offer one back because she has the same smile Miley does. She's my favourite teacher.
"I hope so too. I'll see you later, Mrs. Jones." I turn on my heel and leave and before I close the door to the classroom I hear her sigh, and as I pass my locker on my way out I see Oliver and I hear him sigh, and when he tries to stop me I sigh too. Sighs must be as contagious as yawns.
"You didn't have to wait for me."
"Pshhh, I didn't. I was at the mall and had a snack before remembering I forgot some books. Sooo, how'd it go anyway? You're not failing Creative Writing or anything right?"
"God, no. Being creative is my best subject, you should know that, Ollie. She just wanted to talk about my sudden rise in... sadism, that's all."
"Oh. So she tried to pry?"
"No. She didn't pry. She's cool like that."
"Does that mean you're going to tell her?"
"'Course not. Why would I? She's cool, but she's still my teacher. Would you tell your teacher about your affair with your same-sex best friend?"
"I don't have a same-sex best friend." He smiles that goofy Oliver smile he always smiles before he says something stupid, and sure enough the next thing that comes out of his mouth… "But I would totally admit to having an affair with you, my B-F-F Lil."
"And I would totally gag. And slit your throat while you sleep." I stick out my tongue at him, and he moves his hands to form a heart with his fingers, the grin still on his face. "And stop using 'B-F-F' and that stupid hand sign; you are so gay, I swear."
He shoves me gently before we start walking out of the school. "So… what's gonna happen in your next story then? The next assignment is a… fairy tale? It's not gonna be the same as the others, right? Fairy tales always have happy endings."
"Well, I don't foresee any huge dramatic storyline changes for our love struck heroes and heroines. And I think she called it the 'myths' unit. Myths don't need happy endings." Nonchalantly. Just live life as nonchalantly as I can… and nobody will notice. Nothing will happen.
"Lilly," He says warily, tiredly. Like he's said it a million times, and he probably has by now. "You and Miley really should talk about this. You should tell her the truth."
"No." I say, regretting for the millionth time how I had climbed into Oliver's bedroom the night Miley left on that cruise with Jake about a month ago. I regret crying on his shoulder. And somewhere deep down, I regret keeping it from him for so long.
"Why not?" He says, scrunching up his face because I know he doesn't understand no matter how many times I tell him. He can't understand. He's such a…
"Because Miley won't be able to handle it." How hard is that to get through his thick doughnut-filled skull?
"Well, she's going to have to. She's going to have to do something soon because you're breaking, Lilly."
"No I'm not. I'm fine." I bite my lip and look at the ground. I repeat it because I need to repeat everything (slowly) when I'm talking to Oliver about delicate subjects, but mostly I repeat it because I'm sure that if I say it enough times, it'll become the truth. "I'm fine."
"Do you honestly believe you're okay?" He bends over so he can see my eyes. He grabs my arm and stops me from walking. He touches my cheek when I can't blink my tears away.
"… Yeah." I say when he hugs me. "I'll be okay as long as Miley doesn't break."
"I'd rather have her break than you." He says into my hair, and I shove him away and into the nearest tree before I start walking again. "Ouch! Lil-"
"Hey, Ollie, can I stay at your house today?"
"Uh, sure. Why?"
"Mom's on a 'business trip' or whatever, and Miley's… she's… um, busy." He smiles at me sympathetically because he knows that the only time she's ever really too busy for me is when she's out with him.
"Sure." He repeats and we walk the rest of the way in a comfortable silence because sometimes it's better without words, but lately I've really been having trouble keeping those words to myself.
"She's happy with him, isn't she…" I mumble to no one.
"I think she's happier with you."
"That wasn't what I said."
"I still think she's happier when she's with you."
"It wasn't a question." I curse myself for starting this because Oliver wasn't supposed to hear. He wasn't supposed to know anything at all.
"Lilly…"
"I didn't ask you anything!"
"But I-"
"I don't want an answer!"
"Then what exactly do you want, Lilly?!" There's a pause where I remember that night when Miley first got that stupid dress. She asked me the same thing, and I couldn't answer her then and I wish so desperately to go back in time so I can answer her, but that's impossible and she's not here now so instead I answer Oliver with the loudest voice I can manage without it breaking and I don't know how he hears me because I can barely hear myself.
"I want Miley." He takes a little while to answer, probably trying to find the right thing to say. Or maybe he just thinks I'm crazy.
"Lilly, I can't give you that."
"I want Miley." I repeat, and this time he decides it's better not to say anything at all, but that doesn't help either. "I… I want Miley, Oliver… damn it…"
This time when I cry, he doesn't stop my tears.
I swear to God, I'm not breaking.
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Come on, take a step towards me so you can figure me out.
And I know, I know this is the only way of pleasing the crowd.
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A/N: oh my gosh that took forever. I'm pooped and hungry and what was I thinking, writing this in one sitting?! I don't even know how decent this is... D: oh well… the writing sucked, but update's an update and lots of junk happened, right? :'D Yay storyline! Please leave a review and please don't expect the next chapter to be this long. XD;; but here's a clue: I consider it a happy chapter! Well, at the end anyway.
... LOL FINALLY RIGHT god I suck. D: