How I Changed-GaaHina

I am not particularly bright, enthusiastic, happy or even kind.

I could be considered an emo.

I try to change myself to become a better person but no one understands.

My own siblings hate me because they think I am the reason my parents have died.

My parents tried to save me in a fire and saving me, they sacrificed their lives.

"You monster! You make me sick!"

People say disgusting comments, mocks, torments... Those I can at least fight off. T

hose I can forget. But I cannot forget my own family's criticism on me… That I cannot wash away.

While people's comments seem like dust in the air, the same comments coming from my siblings seem like a needle in my eye. . But I will never show my sadness to them.

I will never be able to break free from this pain; the hate the loneliness I feel.

Why does no one love me? I feel so betrayed… Oh-so sad…

I would rather choose death than life. Life is useless.

Might as well die than live like dirt.

What is love? What does it feel like to be loved?

That would be the first thing I would ask if I met a genius.

They would know what love is wouldn't they?

Love for pets, love for nature, love for hobbies…

And even love for family.

Mother. Father. Why'd you leave me in this situation?

I wish I would get that love from my siblings.

I wish I could teach them how to love me.

But that would be impossible, since I don't know what love is like either.

Even though it was the school holidays, I didn't feel happy. I felt lonely.

To forget my loneliness, I often go to the public library.

It's good to go there since no one knows who you are and no one wants to know who you are.

I sat in a sofa far away from other people and tuned all the whispers out.

It hardly seemed like a couple of minutes when someone tapped me on the shoulder.

I looked up to see huge brown orbs.

"Excuse me. Sorry to bother you, but the library is about to close." A girl who looked about seventeen in a librarian uniform spoke warily. She had straight midnight blue hair which almost reached her waist. And her eyes. They were white. A really strange colour.

I glared and ignored her. She hesitated and looked nervous.

"S-sir. Please, it is closing time." She said pleadingly. She was annoying.

"Shut up. You can't tell me what I should or shouldn't do." I said coldly. It was the only tone I could make.

"I…I…" She started but trailed off, looking down in shame.

"…Sorry. I'll leave you alone. You can leave when you feel like it." And she walked off, dejected.

This surprised me because I was expecting something like;

".gosh. You did not just say that to me!" or "Shut up yourself, dick! Just because you are slightly good looking, doesn't mean you can say things like that to me"

Like all teenage girls said to me.

I stared at the disappearing girl and sighed.

She looked so miserable. Just like me.

So I left the library and headed to the park.

When I woke up the next day, I found myself lying in the park benches. It was still slightly dark.

I sat up and looked around.

No one in sight. Excellent. I thought to myself.

But then my luck was overthrown by the sudden appearance of someone.

I hid behind a tree. I didn't like to be talked to.

The person walked past by, whistling. To my astonishment, it was the librarian girl I saw the other day.

She was in her uniform with a huge bag slung over her shoulder. Whilst she walked, something fell out with a soft thud. The girl didn't notice and kept walking. Soon, she was out of sight.

I came out from the tree and walked over to the object she dropped. Just out of curiosity.

I picked up the small maroon object and saw that it was a book.

Oddly, it didn't have a title. The pages made soft sounds as I flipped it to a random page. I read a couple of lines.

"…May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love really is." I read out lout. These words confused me. Who was God, the one who loved? Would this 'God' love me too? Like he does in this book? I wanted to know.

I closed the book and walked home for the first time in five days. I wanted to continue reading the mysterious book.

As soon as I opened the front door of my house, I heard footsteps.

I came face to face with my sister, Temari. Her expression was absent but her eye brows gradually met in an angry frown, her face was a shade of red.

"How dare you come into this house, you filthy boy!" She shrieked. I blocked my ears, pretending not to hear her.

"Where have you been? You made Temari and I worry." My older brother stepped out of the kitchen looking as stern as ever.

He came and placed a firm hand on my shoulder.

I laughed sarcastically while pushing his hand away.

"Ha. You? Worry? About me? Not likely," I said while narrowing my eyes.

"You hate me. Don't try to hide it." With that I walked towards my room.

As I closed the door to my room behind me, I heard Temari's hysterical screaming fit.

I jumped onto my bed feeling like an emo again and buried my face into the pillow, fighting back the tears that filled my eyes.

I heard the almost silent sulking in the house. Probably my sister.

She shouldn't be the one who would want to moan. I grunted at the thought.

Instead of getting into another really ugly mood, I picked up the book the librarian girl had dropped in the park that day.

I turned the book around and opened it to the very first page.

There it read; The New Life:

Bible

The Bible? I've heard about it before. Some kind of religious shit.

I thought with quite a bit of anger. I really didn't enjoy weird beliefs and crap stuff like that.

I nearly threw the so-called 'Bible' out the window but a force restrained me from doing so.

"What the-"I thought out loud.

Then something weirder than anything happened before my eyes.

My hand suddenly felt loose and I dropped the book onto the bed where the book opened to a page.

One sentence seemed to glow.

"But I know thy abode, and thy going out, and thy coming in, and thy rage against me."

I goggled at the words. Was this merely luck? Merely good timing? I didn't have the answer.

I didn't try and find the answer. Instead with shaking hands, I held the book close to me.

I was actually really calm about it. Actually, I was almost excited. This was a rare feeling for me. I opened the Bible again and this time instead of throwing the book, I flipped to the next page, reading and not knowing the day going past.

Reading the Bible was a very big challenge for me. I didn't realize haw confusing the vocabulary were when I first picked it up.

It was like reading a really long 'Romeo and Juliet' script except this time, the book actually had a meaning.

(I really didn't understand the point of 'Romeo and Juliet'. Seriously, who marries someone you've just met and gets them self killed in the end?)

The Bible I've noticed was divided into two books, The Old Testament and The New Testament.

I was only one The Old Testament, Exodus the second chapter.

It was very interesting. I was most interested Moses, the follower of God.

He was some what brave and sometimes showed cowardice. His belief in God was quite high but I think Moses could have done better. But I wasn't angry at Moses but at the Israel people who didn't trust in God even though God had clearly proven to have all the power in the land of Egypt.

I chuckled at my annoyance. Just last night, I was planning to throw the book outside. Today, I was having an argument about how bad these people in the Bible were.

By reading the Bible, I found myself feeling lighter. Somehow, the burden on my heart left me. I could find smiling easy. I felt so much happier because in the Bible it said that God loved everyone and that was including me! I have never been loved before so I felt special and wanted for the first time in my life. I didn't care whether others thought God was real or not. As long as I am loved.

I decided I would take a visit to the librarian girl who introduced me to God and to my unknown 'excitement'.

I haven't finished the book but I could always borrow it couldn't I?

Besides, Christians (That's what religion they were) loved and cared for their neighbours.

When I got to the library, it started to rain. I hated the rain. It was too damp for my liking.

It wasn't hard to find the librarian girl since she had such long hair. She stood in front of the register scanning some books.

I walked across the silent area of readers and leaned against the table in front of her. She looked up.

"May I help you?" She asked kindly. Perhaps she didn't recognize me. I ignored the question. Instead I searched my bag and grabbed the object.

I held it up for her to see.

She gasped, her eyes widen.

"B-but. How? Where?" She started to ask in a surprised voice.

It hurt my head but, I was trying to be nice so I suppressed the annoyance.

"You dropped it in the park on Monday. I picked it up." I managed to say.

She looked bewilder. Then she blinked a little.

"But today is Thursday." She said matter of factly.

"And your point is?" I asked, slightly showing the irritation in my voice.

"It's just… Why didn't you give it to me earlier?" She asked reaching out for the book in my hand.

Is she angry because I'm giving it to her four days later? She should be thankful that I'm even returning it to her! I thought with an inaudible growl.

"I was just reading some of the pages. Is that a problem? I gave the book back to you didn't I?" I retorted at her.

"Oh! Sorry! I didn't mean to make you angry. I was just curious. Stupid me!" She said hitting her forehead with the Bible.

"So. Were you interested in the Bible? Because if you are, I can take you to where you can learn more about God." She said looking excited.

I nodded slightly.

"I have only read up to Exodus. I am mostly interested in Moses and the Israel people."

She smiled brightly.

"Then meet me at the park on Sunday. Ten o'clock sharp!" She said, still smiling.

"Ok." I answered simply and started to walk away. The rain had stopped.

"By the way, thanks!" She called out quietly.

I held up my hand in response.

On the Sunday morning I got up at approximately eight and got dress in my baggy shirt and pants. It was a fine day so I didn't need a jacket or anything.

I walked out the backdoor to not disturb my parents' sleep. After reading the Bible, I try to care for my parents. Well, at least pretend to do so. I still didn't know the meaning of love but I know what it means to act kindly. You have to feel happy for the sacrifices you make.

The librarian girl was already at the park waiting for me when I got there.

She smiled and waved when she saw me.

It was my first time seeing her out of the librarian uniform. She wore rather formal clothes.

She wore a white blouse with a black jumper on top, a black skirt which reached just above her knees and black stockings underneath. She had black high heels on. The type of high heels that isn't too high which is odd because they are called high heels for a reason. Also her long hair was tied into a loose bun.

Compared to her formal concept, I looked really outrageous, especially my spiky red-brown hair and the thick black eyeliner.

"So where are you taking me exactly with all your fancy clothes?" I asked with sarcasm on the fancy clothing bit.

Her face blushed a little.

"Well… I'm taking you to a place where you will forget your pain and sorrow. You will feel completely loved. It's a great feeling." She said a little dreamily.

"I asked what and where it is. Not what happens." I rolled my eyes.

She stared with a shocked, slightly offended expression.

"What? Why are you staring at me like that?" I asked her perplexed.

Her blank expression subsided into piteous one.

What the heck is wrong with this girl?

I thought while looking at her plastered expression grimly.

"I think I need to take you to the place immediately. You have issues."

She started to drag me by my wrist. I started to protest but was only answered by her laughter.

"Where are we?" I asked when she started to slow down and walk through a pretty new doorway.

"Just wait and see." The librarian girl answered with a smile.

Then I realized. I didn't even know her name. Then again, she didn't know mine either.

The place had a calm atmosphere. It was actually nice with the silence and only the ringing of our footsteps.

There were several chairs on the side and an aisle in the middle which lead to a small stage with a cross nailed on the far wall. I knew where I was now.

A church. How dull and stupid can I get? It was obvious. Where else would Christians go to on a Sunday morning?

But it was strange because there was no one, only the furniture.

"I know where we are now but where are the people?" I whispered. Somehow I thought that was necessary.

The girl didn't answer. She had her eyes closed and her hands held together. Her lips moved as if forming words but no sound came out. I thought she was mad.

I shook her after what seemed like minutes.

She opened her eyes then. She looked up and saw my desperate face to save her from the trance.

She laughed again.

"You worried me! What happened to you?" I asked with force.

She backed away a little but she kept laughing.

"I was only praying." She said happily.

"Praying?" I asked.

"Praying is like talking to God. Did you know God will always listen to our prayers? He's always watching over us." She said.

"Like talking to God… That's fascinating." I said under my breath. I thought about this.

"Oh yeah! I still don't know your name! I just realized. How foolish of me!" She said suddenly and faced me.

So she just grasped the fact too.

She thrust her hand out to me.

"Hi! My name's Hinata. Hyuuga Hinata. Nice to meet you--"

"Gaara. Sabaku no Gaara."

She giggled, not in an insulting way.

"Well Gaara, I believe you asked me a question while I was praying. What was it?"

"Umm. I forgot. But I…" I was cut off by the sound of doors opening behind us. I turned.

A man wearing a suit came in. He had a Bible in his hand (I knew this because I saw the title--it was pretty big).

When the man me he smiled, a toothy kind of smile. He was old, about sixty at least.

He walked over to us. His strong voice startled me.

"Hello Hinata. Who is this fine young lad?" He asked putting a hand on my shoulder.

The gesture wasn't uncomfortable like my brother's had been. It was warm and soothing.

"This is Gaara. Gaara, this is the minister of this church." Hinata said looking at me and the minister.

"I am pleased to see you Gaara. So how did you meet God?" He asked with a wrinkly smile.

"What? How did…. Um…" I stumbled on my words.

What did he mean how did I meet God? I've never met him!

The minister chuckled at my nervousness.

"What I mean is, why did you decide to become a Christian?"

That was a peculiar question because…What am I meant to say? " I didn't decide to become a Christian. I just came to church because the girl next to you dragged me here. She didn't tell me where we were going. She kind of forced me into this."?

"Well…" I started to say.

"…I'm really not sure. I guess it was my destiny which lead me here; to this church." I answered at last. It wasn't the whole truth but it was destiny which brought me here.

Then I saw Hinata looking a bit embarrassed and a little… red? I wonder why…

The minister seemed to like my answer. He smiled again and patted me on the back.

"You are brilliant, my boy. God will bless you like he blesses all." He said and left Hinata and me to myself again.

After the minister had left us, I asked Hinata why she seemed embarrassed when I said things about destiny bringing me to the church.

"Did it sound that cheesy?" I asked.

"No, no, no. It wasn't that… It was just…" She said and hesitated.

"It was just that you… I…" She sounded obscure since her lips barely parted.

The silence engulfed us. Then she blushed and turned away, shouting out; "Doesn't matter!" as she found a seat.

The reason why people were missing was the fact that Hinata and I came a bit early. After Hinata's little weird reaction to my question, people started to flood in, filling the seats up in minutes.

The Church started with a prayer. I didn't know how to do it. I did what Hinata did before.

I shut my eyes and gripped my hands together. I didn't know what to say to God.

Well, I have felt a little change in my life and it was all because of his book so… I guess I should thank him.

…

God, thank you for changing me—a little at least. I pray I can be like these Christians who deeply believe and trust in you. God, please let me become someone I can be proud of and I pray that my parents would feel your faith and love for us. Thank you God.

I opened my eyes to find things I did not know the answer to.

I didn't know why but the prayer seemed easy.

I didn't know why but tears were streaming down my face.

I didn't know why but I knew I had to tell the happiness I felt now.

And… I don't know why but I felt I could do anything and love everything now.

How strange the world has become. How strange my life had become.

Hinata had opened her eyes and was staring at me. I couldn't meet her eyes, I was scared.

But I knew she was crying. Her soft sobs caught my ears.

"Why… Why are you crying…?" I managed to say.

"I…I'm crying for you…" She said weakly sobbing in between her words.

"Why… Why for me?"

She said nothing.

Church ended with a happy hymn.

We praise Thee, O God!
For the Son of Thy love,
For Jesus Who died,
And is now gone above.

Hallelujah! Thine the glory.
Hallelujah! Amen.
Hallelujah! Thine the glory.
Revive us again.

We praise Thee, O God!
For Thy Spirit of light,
Who hath shown us our Savior,

And scattered our night.

All glory and praise
To the God of all grace,
Who hast brought us, and sought us,
And guided our ways.

Revive us again;
Fill each heart with Thy love;
May each soul be rekindled
With fire from above.

I wished I would be revived again too.

After church had ended, Hinata and I went to the minister.

Hinata hadn't spoken since our anonymous sadness.

The minister was in the back room of the church.

He sat in a chair writing something busily.

"Sir? You called us?" Hinata said, her voice sounded plain, as if she was hiding emotions.

The minister got up from his seat and gestured us to sit down on the sofa.

"Yes, yes. I just wanted to talk to this young lad. Since it's his first time at church and all," He said cheerily.

"What is it that you would like to talk to me about?" I asked.

"Just about you, my dear. Your life, your hobbies, your family…" I grimaced when he said the word 'family'.

Hinata noticed this and looked concerned.

"To start with, what are your hobbies?" The minister asked.

"I don't actually have one. Oh. Would reading the Bible count as a hobby?" The minister nodded, looking proud.

"Yes my boy, reading the Bible is a great hobby," He said dearly.

"Now, about your family…" He said but I got up.

"Please, don't ask me about my family. I'd rather not talk about them." My words were cold.

The minister looked calm. He told me to sit down in a gentle voice. I obeyed.

"I will not ask of you to tell me your family issues but if you find it difficult to suppress and you feel the need to tell someone, come to me. I will not mock you or anything. If it is too hard to tell me, tell God. He shall listen, he shall help you," He said.

"And remember. God is the loving one. He will love you whoever you are and whatever you become. He has had pity on us. He will forgive your sins you have caused. Whatever you did in the past does not matter to God. He will always be with you."

For the second time that day, I cried.

Hinata's eyes were red and puffy from crying.

She cried with me again.

I didn't understand why she did and plus, I didn't want to ask her.

We walked to the park where we sat down under the shade.

Neither of us talked. She had her head down and her bun had come undone.

"Hinata…" I started to say.

"It was God's power you know," She said boldly.

I shut my mouth.

"It was God who gave the sudden feeling of relief and the sadness," She looked up, facing the sky.

"You have felt something weird haven't you? When you prayed?" She asked looking into my eyes. She seemed to have determination.

I nodded.

She smiled. But it was a sad smile, a compassionate one.

"I felt that too when I first became a Christian," She looked away again, now into distance.

"You know, I used to be a really unhappy person. My father, the owner of a big company died that year and no one tried to help me. My own sister took most of the possessions and ran away. I was old enough to live by myself so I did but the tax and food I could not pay for. I knew life was cruel and I didn't know how to survive,"

This took me off guard. Hinata, the bright, sun-like girl was once like me?

"Feeling miserable, I started to take a long walk. Walk anywhere my feet took me, actually where God took me," She paused.

"When I stopped, I saw I was in front of a bookstore. I went in absent-mindedly. There, one book caught my attention."

"It had a hard black cover, with the words: The Bible. I opened it up and started to read. Soon I was part of God's followers, a Christian. I started to realize that the world was weak and I was strong with God beside me. My life seemed brighter and I didn't care what was ahead of me. And as the Bible told me to do, I prayed all that night. And do you know what happened?"

I shook my head.

"God heard my prayers and the next day, a woman came to my house stating she was a friend of my mother. And she asked me if I would like to live with her. I was confused because no one ever tried to help the proud Hyuuga family but, she explained how she was willing to help me gladly. I was really thankful because I knew it was God's doing, coming to me when I desperately needed help. She took me to her home where I became like my usual self again."

"Gaara, I don't know what problems you may have but God is listening to us everyday. He sees us and he does not rest. Ask of him and you will be truly happy."

Hinata's words rang in my head over and over again.

When I got in the house, my brother and sister stood before me, glaring.

I looked back not angry but apologetically.

Hinata had fought against her problems. I should too.

"Temari, Kankurou. I am sorry," I said before they could say anything.

They looked taken aback.

"What--"Temari started to say.

"I am sorry I could never please you. I will try my best. I always will." I walked past them, to my room.

"Why are you saying these things all of a sudden?" Kankurou asked a little uncertainly.

I thought for a moment.

"Read the Bible and you would know what love is." And I went in my room, leaving the awkward silence behind.

The next day, I went to the library to see Hinata.

She was quite busy so I decided to go to the ice-cream parlor and buy some ice-cream instead.

I decided to eat vanilla and chocolate scoops.

It has been a long time since I've eaten ice-cream.

I walked down the crowded streets, looking at people and seeing the happiness that radiated off them.

Usually, this annoyed me but I had my happiness too so I didn't feel gloomy about it.

That day I walked around town, just thinking and absorbing the warmth of the sun.

I didn't realize the swiftly passing time.

When I got home, it was about eight o'clock.

I opened the door quietly, not to alarm my siblings.

I heard murmurs in the house. I stood in the doorway eavesdropping.

"I am such a bad sister. How could I treat my own brother like this? I knew it wasn't Gaara's fault that mother and father died. I knew it was just an excuse to fight back my tears." It was Temari's voice. She sounded weak.

"No. You shouldn't say things like that," Kankurou said. I thought he was going to say how "I" should have been a better brother.

"I am the one who is a bad older brother. I could never treat him kindly or encourage Gaara. He is such a good boy but I wanted something to blame. I was angry our parents had died. I am selfish. I wanted my parents but mother and father wouldn't have wanted this," I couldn't believe my ears. Especially the way Kankurou's voice seemed to shake.

I walked towards the sound of their voice. It was coming from the dining room.

"I do love Gaara. Only if I could tell him so! I am so weak and arrogant to tell him." Kankurou said and he sounded like he was weeping.

I stepped into the dining room warily.

My siblings turned and looked at me in bewilderment. Next to them on the table was a copy of The Bible.

"Kankurou…Temari…" I said in a shaking voice, my legs felt weak under me.

"Is it true…?"

Before I could finish, my brother's arms were around me, he was sobbing.

"I love you Gaara. I really do. I am so sorry I could not be a better brother."

The first time he said he loved me.

Another pair of arms wrapped around my shoulders.

"I love you Gaara. I apologize for never being there for you. I should have loved you but I could only be self-centered and I only tried to make you into something you needn't be. I am dearly sorry. Parents or no parents, we should have always cared for you. I realize that now after all these years." My sister whispered.

I couldn't believe my ears. I wondered if it was a dream. I really wished it wasn't.

I put my arms around them both.

"Thank you," That was all I could say

"Thank you. Thank you, God. Thank you." I said over and over again.

The next day I immediately ran to the library.

"Hinata! God has heard my prayers! Can you believe it?!" I shouted and everyone there stared with a frown.

Hinata looked up and her eyes started to water.

"Gaara, that's wonderful!" She ran and hugged me.

The contact was nice. I hugged her back.

She was crying happily in my chest.

"Sssshhhhh!" The people in the library made out all together.

Hinata looked back at them with an apologetic smile.

I took her by the hand out the library.

In the park we walked still hand-in-hand.

"I am so happy for you Gaara," Hinata said, her voice soft.

"Thanks." I said.

"I hope that you can live happily now." She said, looking up at me.

I met her eyes.

Then something completely magical happened.

She pulled my arm, making me lower my upper body then I felt something warm on my lips.

Hinata was kissing me.

When she pulled apart, I felt a little sad.

I saw her face which looked as red as a tomato.

I couldn't help but smile. I actually learnt to smile.

She smile back shyly and she held my hand again and we walked in the happy silence.

I decided it was the best school holidays I have ever experienced.

-The End-