Author's Note: Took me long enough to finish this, huh? I'd like to thank Casey V. and The Glass Slipper for all of their help in finishing this story, because without them, I'd probably still be struggling to get this thing to the end.

What Am I to Do With All This Silence?, by keldjinfae

A Thought Brushing Up Against a Sigh

He wasn't sure what dragged him out of unconsciousness, but Riku was aware of a change in the atmosphere and his senses worked furiously to determine who was in his room. Shoes clunked onto the wood floor as someone pushed through his window, trying to be quiet, but not stealthy. Footsteps made their way assertively around Riku's desk and the half-full hamper by his bed, navigating the room expertly as if whoever they belonged to knew the room just as well as Riku did.

Riku no longer bothered to keep his breathing even, since Sora would already know he was awake. He yawned, stretching his arms over his head tiredly—heard that sickeningly sweet popping sound in his stiff joints—as he caught the scent of Sora's cucumber melon shampoo; Mrs. Hikari had probably insisted he wash the sand and salt from his hair before he got into his clean bed. "What is it, Sora?" he asked groggily, eyes opening to slits so he could make out the silhouette of his best friend, standing out against the open window behind him.

Sora's voice was soft, but firm. "I know you've been avoiding me, Riku." He continued to stand beside the older boy's bed, his expression indecipherable in the darkness. Pale light from the porch lamps outside cast shadows across his features, hardening his mouth and elongating his nose, giving his eyes an odd, almost ethereal glow; Riku felt vulnerable, exposed beneath a visage too sharp to belong to his best friend's.

Riku sat up in bed, hoping his movements weren't too hasty under Sora's scrutiny. "What are you talking about?" he asked irritably, hoping his clipped tone would effectively mask his insecurities.

Sora remained silent for a moment, eyes intense and wavering with concern. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other uncertainly, then folded his arms against his chest, apparently strengthening his resolve to confront his friend. "You've been different since we came back, which sounds pretty stupid, considering what happened, but… it's like you don't want anyone to think you've changed, like everything we went through wasn't real."

Riku's brow furrowed slightly, his mind racing to catch up to Sora's seemingly sudden bout of insight. He glanced over at the alarm clock on his bedside table in an effort to stall for time, and let his anxiety twist his features into an irritated scowl when the soft green glow of the digits informed him of the hour. "Sora, it's four in the morning!" he complained.

"And if I'd waited, you would've changed the subject or come up with some excuse to avoid me until I gave up," Sora pointed out, his tone still impassive, even though Riku noticed his lips were set in a downward curve.

"That's ridiculous; we've been together every day all summer," Riku pointed out, almost wincing at how weak he sounded.

"Yeah, we fight, we joke, we have a great time as long as nobody tries to say anything that isn't about winning a race or pointing out that one of us throws like a girl."

Riku pointed out, "Sora, we've always been like that. And I it's not like I can brag to Wakka or Tidus about how I helped you take down an entire organization and save a bunch of worlds that they don't even know iexist/i beyond these islands. We ihave/i to keep what we did a secret."

"I know…" Sora mumbled, frustration creeping across his features as he shifted his weight from one foot to the other. "It's just… I'm your best friend, and I know I don't really catch a lot of things that I should, but I know when something's bothering you. I don't know how to get you to talk to me though."

"There isn't anything to talk about," Riku insisted, determined to keep his carefully maintained distance between himself and his best friend. He sat up and positioned himself at the edge of the bed so he could face the younger boy head on.

"Riku…"

"I'm fine, okay?" Riku said, struggling to keep his tone even.

"But I'm not," Sora whispered, his eyes fixed on the smooth, polished wood of the floor as his face twisted into an expression that seemed foreign, unnatural. The silence thickened, swelling until it seemed as if it might push the air out of the room, and then Sora snorted, laughing at himself uncomfortably as he scratched the back of his neck. "I just kind of… um…"

"Sora?" Riku prompted softly, scrutinizing his best friend with eyes that were now wide-awake.

"It's stupid," Sora apologized, "but... um… I just keep thinking what the others are doing out there. Leon, Goofy… everyone. I miss them, you know?" He frowned and turned away from his friend so he could look out the window up at the sky. "I think about their mission and how I used to be a part of it. I know… I know that they'll come get me if they need me." His gaze dropped to his shoes again. "But they haven't needed me yet, and I'm worried."

"I'm sure they're all okay, Sora," Riku assured the younger boy, unable to bring himself to look directly at him as memories of the darkness temporarily flooded his thoughts, as that old, familiar feeling of jealousy hardened his eyes and gritted his teeth for the briefest of moments. "You of all people know that they can handle themselves."

"…I know," Sora agreed, studying the stars again. "I feel… selfish, Riku. All I can think about is how this is it for us now. That everything we did is the end, and now I'm back to being just... Sora." He shrugged helplessly. "Sometimes I feel like it all never happened, and I just dreamed it all, you know?"

"Do you want to go back?" Riku kept his gaze on the smooth grain of the floor boards, afraid of Sora's answer.

Sora paused for a minute, mulling over the laces of one of Riku's lazily discarded shoes, then answered truthfully, "Not now, no. I missed my mom and our friends, and I couldn't just leave them again this soon. Besides," he added, sounding almost hesitant, "I'm not so sure that I'd find what I'm looking for out there."

Riku nodded, releasing the sheets he'd been clutching almost unwittingly. Unable to decipher just what was on Sora's mind, and unwilling to admit just how nervous he was at the thought of Sora wanting to leave their world so suddenly, he settled for a noncommittal "Okay…"

"I, um… see… I kind of feel like I'm losing a battle that I didn't even know I was fighting in the first place." Sora chanced a brief glance at his friend before letting his eyes snap back to the oddly misplaced shoe on the usually neat floor. "When we came home, I thought everything would be okay. But… we haven't been the same. It's like you go out of your way to avoid me, even when we're together." He sped up, words pouring out of his mouth as if he were afraid of thinking about what he said. "I fought my way through Heartless and Nobodies, and I thought maybe I could handle anything, but now I can feel you slipping away and I don't know how to stop it." He cut off abruptly, still refusing to look up from the shoe.

"And I still don't know what you're talking about," Riku snapped. "How am I ignoring you, Sora? Please, tell me how I could've missed it when we've been together every day for the past two months."

Sora's teeth clacked together loudly as he pivoted on his heels in order to glare accusingly at Riku head-on. "You're doing it again. When you can't whap me on the shoulder with a wooden sword or shove my head under the water, you just disappear or yell at me. Why can't you just tell me what's wrong?"

"Because there's nothing wrong, Sora!" Riku hissed, hoping his parents hadn't heard their rising voices. "I don't know how many times I have to say it before it gets through your thick skull, but I'm fine."

"So when we're watching the sunset and I happen to look up and find you watching the sun like it's the last thing keeping you alive, that's just you being fine." Sora rolled his eyes and snorted disbelievingly. "Well, gee, Riku, I don't know how I could've misread that."

"Well, maybe you've been hanging out with Kairi too much," Riku retorted, bristling as Sora came closer and closer to broaching a subject he didn't want to acknowledge, let alone discuss. "She's got you reading too much into things. What next? Are you going to start painting your nails, too?" He leaned forward on his elbows and cocked his head to the side tauntingly, hoping his jibe would distract his friend.

Sora's teeth ground against each other audibly as he fought to keep his hands at his sides. "You know I've barely spent any time with Kairi this summer because I've been with you." He emphasized his last word by jabbing his index finger in Riku's direction. "And when are you going to stop calling me a girl, damnit?"

"You might want to stop acting like one first," Riku said sardonically, biting back a smirk of triumph as Sora strayed further off topic.

But then the younger boy suddenly closed his eyes and shook his head, sighing tiredly. "This isn't working," he stated, frowning slightly as his eyes seemed to scan the blankets on Riku's bed for an answer.

"Then why do you keep trying?" Riku muttered, running a hand through his hair to help soothe his rapidly-fraying nerves. He looked down at his knees, completely missing his friend's gaze lock just to the right of his arm onto his pillow.

Without warning, Sora sprang toward him, and Riku instinctively braced himself for the impact, crouching forward and planting his feet firmly onto the floor with his arms outstretched. However, instead of the expected pounce, Riku found himself with a face full of fluffy, one hundred percent goose-down pillow.

"Because I love you, you jerk," Sora snapped, standing over him with the pillow still wielded in one hand.

Riku could only gawk up at his best friend, opening and closing his mouth soundlessly a few times before stammering softly, "You…"

"I love you," Sora repeated simply, his eyes fixed on Riku's. "I'm pretty sure I have for most of my life, but I was six years old then, so what did I know, really?" He shrugged with one shoulder and cocked his head to one side, a hint of a smile tugging at his lips, but Riku continued to merely stare up at him with a vacant, gaping expression. After a few more seconds of silence, Sora frowned and scratched the back of his head, drawing his lower lip between his teeth. "Would you please say something, Riku? You're starting to make me nervous."

"You…" Riku blinked and licked his lips, waiting for his racing mind to slow down enough for rational thought. He cleared his throat, hoping the action would help clear his head, but all the action left him with was, "You hit me with a pillow."

Sora let out a strangled groan and tugged at his hair for a moment before peeking out at Riku from beneath his fingers. "I tell you I love you and all you can think about is the pillow?"

Riku found himself morbidly fascinated with the numerous expressions that rapidly flitted across Sora's face as he struggled to respond in a way that made sense. However, several seconds ticked by, and he still couldn't get himself to break free from the numerous question marks dashing around in his head, punctuated by feelings of shock and disbelief. He finally settled for, "How?" and hoped it was enough to at least prove his attention wasn't completely absorbed by the pillow.

Sora made the same exasperated noise and looked up at the ceiling. "I don't know. I have since, like, kindergarten." He shrugged and brought his gaze back to Riku, not quite meeting his eyes. "It just sort of snuck up on me. I thought about what life would be like without you, and… I didn't like it."

Riku closed his eyes and leaned back, resting his weight on his elbows. "But how can you love me after everything I've done?" he asked softly, swallowing as another stab of guilt spiked through him. "I gave in to the darkness, Sora. Am I just supposed to forget about that?"

He probably shouldn't have taken his eyes off of the pillow, because suddenly it was in his face again, this time with enough force to knock him onto his back. "You don't forget," Sora answered, standing over him. "If you do, you might make the same mistake again. But that doesn't mean you live in fear, either. So you let the darkness in, Riku. So what? You got out of it, too, remember?" He dropped the pillow on his friend's stomach, and Riku's arms shot out reflexively to grasp it so it couldn't be used against him again. "Just… move on."

Riku sat up slowly, arms still wrapped around the pillow. "You really don't… what happened doesn't bother you?" he asked incredulously.

"Riku, you did something stupid and you paid for it; you fixed it. I do stupid stuff all the time, so why would I hold this against you?"

The older boy might have pointed out that forgetting to put on the parking break before leaving the car at the top of a hill wasn't quite the same as what he'd done, but Sora wasn't an idiot; Riku had fought his way out, and somehow his friends still loved him. "Is it that easy?" he murmured, barely audible, thoughts once again darting around a bit too quickly for comprehension.

Sora shifted, Riku's eyes dropped to his lap in order to confirm that he still had the pillow. Reassured, he looked up again and found that Sora's face was only a few inches away from his, his hands planted on his thighs so he could lean forward into Riku's personal space. "I'd like to think so," he whispered, his eyes slipping shut as he leaned in closer.

Riku's breath caught in his throat as the world seemed to slow to a grinding halt, and then Sora's lips were brushing against his, barely enough to be called a kiss, but enough to make his limbs seem to melt into the mattress.

"Riku…?" Sora pulled away just enough to look at his best friend, his teeth worrying his lower lip.

"Sora." Riku framed his Sora's face with his hands and waited for their eyes to meet again. When he was sure he had the other boy's attention, he smiled and nodded. "I'd like to think so, too."

Sora placed his hands on Riku's, his grin threatening to split his face in two. "Yeah?"

Riku nodded again. "Yeah."

Sora let out a short burst of laughter, and Riku chuckled and rested his forehead against the other boy's. After a few seconds, Sora cleared his throat and asked, "So… um… what should we do now?"

Riku snorted in amusement, then leaned in and kissed Sora, moving his hands up into his tangled mass of hair. His eyes closed, but he could hear Sora moan as he teased lips with his own, and he smirked in satisfaction when they broke apart for air. "How's that?" he asked.

Sora rolled his eyes and shoved Riku even as he smirked. "I still think you're a jerk," he teased, digging one of his knees into the mattress so some of his weight was resting on Riku's lap. "But you do tend to come up with the best ideas." He slid his arms around the back of Riku's neck, taking his time as if he were afraid the older boy would want him to stop.

Riku merely stroked Sora's cheekbone lightly with his thumb, smiling again when he shivered at the contact, and decided that having Sora this close to him was very nice, but just a little bit uncomfortable in their current awkward position. "Here," Riku offered, gesturing for Sora to sit next to him on the bed.

Sora slid over onto the mattress, keeping his arms in place atop Riku's shoulders. His lips stretched into a smirk as he brushed them against the other boy's. "That was helpful of you," he teased.

"I'm a helpful kind of guy," Riku murmured, his breath damp on his lips as he drew Sora into another slow kiss, warm and gradually deepening, tasting like cola. He wove his fingers into sun-bleached, cinnamon hair, and trailed his free hand down, slow and light, to rest on the hollow of his back. He pressed his fingertips into smooth, cool skin, felt the shiver. He broke the kiss to watch Sora tilt back into the touch, his lips parted and quivering.

Riku licked his lips, tasting Sora on them and humming in approval, blood rushing as if he were drunk. He closed in again, Sora's shallow breaths hot on his cheeks, let his tongue dart out between the other boy's lips. He grinned at the gasp he drew, tightening his hold around the smaller body for another kiss before dipping lower, lips brushing at the cleft of Sora's chin. Then hands were in Riku's hair, tugging just enough for him to feel pressure on his scalp, and then lips were ghosting against his cheekbone, just as curious as his own.

Riku left a trail along Sora's jaw, breath on the sensitive spot behind his ear, before teeth and tongue teased slowly down to his neck, drawing in the soft skin at the hollow of his throat, tasting like the salt from sweat and the sea. He felt Sora's moan tickle his lips, drawing a shudder from the bottom of his spine, and let out a sigh of his own when the other boy's leg tangled between his own, attempting to bring their warm bodies closer together. Rough denim rustled as Sora nearly straddled him, and Riku groaned again, bucking his hips fractionally to create more friction.

"R-Riku…" Sora whispered, craning his neck to nuzzle Riku's hair.

Riku shivered again, reveling in the sensation of hands sifting through and pulling his hair, of soft skin rubbing against his sensitive scalp. He moved against Sora, pushing them both back onto the bed, needing to feel more. He stretched out over the lithe body beneath him and pulled his hand out from under Sora's back to slip under his shirt, stroking smooth skin around his navel, over his ribcage, basking in every squirm his touch brought as he memorized everything that was Sora; the familiar smell of his soap—some sort of tropical fruit and coconut—filling his head, making his thoughts sluggish. He hummed again, the sound lazy and careless, and teased one of Sora's nipples with his fingers.

Sora's hands slid down from Riku's hair, bunching up his shirt, and Riku arched back, feeling small red crescents form as nails dug into his skin. He tugged at his collar, holding it down and grazing his collarbone with his teeth, needing to see-feel-taste more. He braced his weight on his elbow to push up the hem of his shirt just above his navel, then paused before lifting it further, silently asking Sora's permission even as fingers twitched in anticipation. Sora's eyes were bright, cheeks flushed, and he nodded, chewing on his lip, dropping his own hands to Riku's waist and pulling at his shirt.

Riku nodded, smile on his lips as he leaned in for a kiss—long and deep, then sat up on his knees, bringing Sora with him to remove his shirt, shivering when his own was tossed onto the floor. He wrapped his arms around the other boy's waist, taking a moment to revel in how right it felt to be holding Sora this way, bodies flush against each other, breath loud in the silence of the sleeping house. Then tan arms brought him in closer, rough calluses against his shoulder blades, and Riku pushed Sora back down onto the bed, kisses growing in intensity as they felt skin on naked skin, moans muffled by shoulders and mattresses, hands mapping out muscle and scar tissue.

Every moment rose, expanded like heat, and Riku couldn't think of anything but Sora, forgetting about his parents down the hall, about keeping quiet. He buried his face in the crook of Sora's neck, licking and sucking and nibbling, doing ianything/i that would reassure him that this was really happening. Sora's voice was in his ear, his lips on his cheek, hips grinding together in an increasingly frantic rhythm, and everything was perfect until the heat was too much and he needed a release or he would explode.

Sora's features contorted, eyes closing and lips parting as he tossed his head back, thrusting upward. Riku growled, enthralled by the sight, and white hot energy burst behind his eyes, from his limbs. His kiss was rough, biting, as he cried out, clinging to the body beneath him as he waited for the heat to dissipate, feeling Sora's cries in his mouth, the vibrations ringing in his head. His arms and legs shook, gave out, and he was on top of him, sprawled out and spent.

"God, Sora," he whispered, the words leaving his lips like a prayer as

"Riku…" Sora's voice was choked, overwhelmed.

"Love you." Riku's mouth barely moved, expelling just enough energy to make sure his words were heard.

"You, too." Sora's kiss was sloppy and lazy, leaving Riku's flush cheek shiny and wet. Riku grumbled, turning his head to wipe his face off against Sora's. "Ew! Riku!" Sora whined, giggling as he squirmed underneath the older boy, trying to get away. Riku merely grunted again and kissed him, eyes half-closed as he let his head drop onto the pillow next to his. Sora hummed under his breath and Riku nuzzled his earlobe, wondering if his limbs had actually turned into jelly.

Sora was quiet beneath him, breath slowly returning to normal, and then he shifted slightly, looking over at him. "Can I borrow some of your clothes?" he asked softly, reminding Riku that his parents were still down the hall and miraculously asleep.

"Later," Riku replied, not wanting to move.

"Nng… Riku!" Sora whined, attempting to wriggle out from beneath the older boy.

"Sora!" Riku teased, refusing to budge. He kissed Sora's temple. "Just wait a few more minutes, okay?"

Sora sighed, but stopped moving, instead lifting a hand to run through Riku's sweat-damp hair, smoothing it away from his face. They watched each other contentedly, enjoying the quiet as they relived what they'd shared. After awhile, Sora chuckled, his voice hoarse and tired. Riku raised an eyebrow, and Sora smiled. "Aren't you glad I hit you with that pillow now?"

Riku laughed, amazed that he could again without feeling the weight of something more bearing down on his chest. "So articulate."

Sora snorted, rolling his eyes. "Well, at least I got the ball rolling; you never would've said anything."

A twinge of guilt made Riku flinch, then his features softened. "I'm glad you did."

Sora simply nodded, fingers still carding through Riku's hair. Riku shifted his weight over onto his side and stretched out next to his… lover? He grinned, draping his arm over Sora's chest and sidling in close, watching as the other boy's eyes began to droop. Soon they were only slits of blue, barely peeking out at him, and any thought of changing clothes was soon forgotten as sleep took over.

Riku kissed his eyelids, amazed that they were together, that the day had turned out this way, that somehow after a couple of hits from a pillow, the darkness didn't seem so oppressive anymore. His eyes felt heavy as he sifted through the events leading up to this until he realized they were closed, and he sighed and snuggled even closer to the warm body beside him and drifted off, not caring how much longer the night would last before the sun came up again.