AN: The amount of angst and OOC in this chapter might burn your eyes. Sorry, couldn't help myself. I was in an angsty mood. -FG

Root

Four. TOO LATE

I wish our relationship was perfect. As perfect as people think it is, but it's so fucked up I almost want to laugh sometimes at its existence.

As Kenny returns with a wrapped pack of ice for my face he looks at me funny, but he doesn't say anything before disappearing. Probably to his room to "do shit."

With a slight wince at the cold I rest the pack against my jaw.

Kyle hasn't said anything yet, except for the expected, 'we need to talk.' It's a rather large understatement, but I'll save the arguing for later. As much as I seem to be avoiding his gaze, he seems to be doing the same. It doesn't look like either of us wants to start this conversation, but we have to eventually. So I start it, with something I've always wanted to know.

"Do you love me?"

I can't look at him as I ask, but I can hear the sharp intake of breath. I hope that he doesn't beat around it, I hope he doesn't say, 'of course.' Because that just means he loves me like a friend, and I already know he does.

There's a lot of hesitation from his end, but finally, "it's not that simple."

I slowly raise my head to look at him and find his eyes are already waiting for mine. "Why not?"

"Because it's more complicated than that."

For a second the Kyle in front of me fades away and is replaced with the one I first confessed to five years ago. That image vanishes as soon as it's formed. I'm wondering when five years began to feel like fifty.

I remember the moment when I realized that what I felt for Kyle went beyond our friendship. I was still pretty young at the time, and the emotions were a little frightening so I tried not to think about them too much. As the years went by though, I started to question them and my own behavior.

We had been at Starks Pond, freezing as usual, and Kenny and Cartman were out on the Pond with some of the others playing ice hockey. We hadn't been talking about anything out of the ordinary, a homework assignment or something, when we watched as Cartman suddenly fell and cracked the ice. The crack was quickly running through the entire Pond and all the kids were scrambling to get off before it collapsed under them.

Kenny had been yelling angrily at Cartman, telling him he wasn't allowed to place ice hockey with them anymore because everyone was sick of having to avoid death by drowning in a freezing cold Pond. It hadn't been anything that wasn't expected but Kyle and I still laughed at Cartman's expense. For some reason at that moment I had looked over at Kyle, probably to see how hard he was laughing and rather than continue to do so my own laughter fell. I don't know why that moment meant so much at that time, but even though Kyle was sitting there beside me like normal, laughing like normal, things weren't normal.

His eyes were crinkled a little bit as he laughed and stared at the scene of the other guys arguing, yelling, and skating off the Pond. His hair was hidden, as it always was back in those days. Nothing had changed; Kyle looked and had been acting the same as he always did. It was something about me that changed, and at hearing me stop laughing he turned to meet my gaze.

"Dude, what's wrong?" he had asked me and it took me awhile before I shook my head and looked back at the Pond.

"Nothing," I had responded, lying.

That's when I knew things were different for me, though I tried not to let them show.

Eventually against my own better judgment I had decided to tell Kyle how I felt, whatever it was. At the time I figured I was in love, or at least as in love as any freshman could be.

I met him at the place we always met each other in school, his locker, since it was the closest to the main entryway. I had been watching him stuff a couple things in, while taking other things out. His face was scrunched with concentration and I almost laughed from where I stood. It was cute, and it was Kyle.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and walked about two steps when Cartman shoved into me, declaring I was blocking the hallways. At the sound of his booming voice, Kyle had turned his head in my direction. He gave Cartman his usual sneer, which was returned back with equal force, before smiling at me.

His smile made me lose my resolve and rather than smile back and confess as I had planned, I turned on my heels and walked toward my first class. Or rather,our first class. Kyle probably hadn't thought much of it, because he quickly ran to catch up with me, immediately talking about what an ass Cartman was and how come I didn't say anything to him. I hadn't been paying the closest attention to what he was saying. I was too focused on taking steps to class, trying to figure out if I really ever should tell Kyle, wondering, thinking, pondering…

Eventually, before I stepped into class, Kyle grabbed my shoulder and yanked me back. The force he put into it surprised me and I actually went flying against the side wall. He muttered a quick apology at the action and demanded to know what was wrong and if I was okay. Apparently my lack of response was freaking him out.

And for some God-awful reason, I told him. Right then, right there, without much thought to the consequences. "Kyle, I love you." I had said bluntly.

He blinked.

"I love you," I repeated, that time with a whisper, that time with a hint of shame. As if I had tried to do everything in my power not to love him, not to tell him.

I watched as Kyle's hand was suddenly ripped away from mine, as if my shoulder was suddenly made of hot coals and I had burned him. He was still staring at me and I could see his mind was moving at a speed I didn't know existed and finally he gave me his reaction.

The anger that started to seep through confused me. If anything I always assumed Kyle would be embarrassed or disgusted, but the anger...that I had never anticipated. His face was getting red, his fists tight, I almost expected him to punch me. But he didn't. Instead he walked right into class without saying a word to me, and took his normal seat.

I hadn't followed Kyle inside the classroom, even though the bell had rung. I remained standing outside in the hallway, pressed against the wall from where Kyle had edged me. A couple of my classmates had given me weird looks, a few others questioned on whether or not I was going inside. To them, I only shook my head and walked off.

I had been in a daze. I was trying to figure out Kyle's reaction and I guess a teacher found me and couldn't get much of a response from me so I was ushered to the nurses where I rested for a few periods. She let me nap, or that's what she wanted me to do, instead I continued to think of Kyle. I told myself that maybe I had just frightened him. The whole thing was out of the blue for him…but, he sure hadn't seemed frightened. Pissed off isn't even a strong enough phrase to describe what I had seen swimming in his eyes.

At some point the nurse came back, saw that I was awake and asked me if I would like for her to call my mom to come pick me up. I suddenly sat up and shook my head as I heaved my legs over the edge. I told her I would go back to class. She asked me a few more questions, but I didn't acknowledge them and even now I don't know what she asked.

The lunch period was in full swing when I left her office and I made my way down the halls to the cafeteria without much thought. As I pulled open the doors, everything seemed in order. The noise level was outrageous, the lunch line ridiculously long, and Kyle was sitting with our usual group of friends. Laughing.

Kenny had been the one to spot me first. "There you are asshole! I heard you faked ill to get out of that math test huh?!" He joked, and all the guys turned to look at me, with the same grins on their face that Kenny had. Only Kyle didn't look at me.

It took me a moment, a moment of willing him to look at me, before I found my footing. I forced a smile and calmly sat down next to my best friend, where Clyde automatically moved since that spot was always reserved for me.

"Yeah," I had said trying to laugh. "What can I say? I wasn't ready. Figured it wouldn't kill to get an extra day to study you know?"

It didn't feel like I had played that off well, and if the look Kenny and even Cartman were the only things to go by I'd say I hadn't. But the others, since they weren't as close of friends, took it at face value and changed the topic back to whatever they had been talking about before I came.

Kyle had been continuing to stare at his food, barely moving when I sat down next to him and as much as I didn't want to cause him any more discomfort I had to ask.

"Can we talk later?" I muttered to him quietly, but all the same Ken and Cartman were watching me like hawks.

Kyle only tensed and suddenly stood with the anger back on his face. Eyes flew to him in confusion and he muttered out a lame excuse about extra credit before leaving.

I had tried not to let it bother me, but his reaction was starting to hurt. What was he so angry about? I watched him go and I probably would have kept watching the doors he left through if Kenny had not dropped a hand on my shoulder to get my attention.

"He's busy you know?" Kenny had said. "You can call him later."

"…Right," I had answered and tried to concentrate on the lunch Kenny shoved in my direction.

I called Kyle later, when school let out and his mom said he wasn't home. I knew she was lying for him by the tone of her voice. She wasn't comfortable doing it, and she obviously didn't know why she had too. Last she checked her son and I had been best friends, attached at the hip.

It seems so immature now, but Kyle avoided me all week. We only had first period together so it was a pretty easy feat. He ignored me at lunch and opted to sit in between Cartman and Craig. If the other guys knew something was up they didn't say anything about it and for that I've always been grateful.

He didn't pick up my calls either, and each day was turning out to be harder and harder than the last. Why couldn't he just tell me what he was so mad about? Had I known that was going to be his reaction I might not have said anything. But that was a lie to myself. The problem was the feelings I was having for him wouldn't allow me to keep quiet anymore. That's why I told him in the first place.

For awhile there I thought I had completely lost my best friend. I didn't pay attention in class anymore, and I couldn't have cared less that tests were turned in blank, and homework wasn't done at all.

"What's up with you two?" Kenny had asked me after the week had spanned by. He and I had been walking home, while it seemed Kyle and Cartman had been walking home together.

I had given Kenny a grunt as a response and as we walked he suddenly stopped and I stopped with him.

"Just go to his place," Kenny said. "Ike's got some shitty play his parents are going to in a few, you guys can talk."

"…What makes you think he'll let me in?" I had asked sullenly.

"Mrs. B called me the other day. Apparently she's as tired as everyone else of Kyle acting like an angry dictator, and you acting like a depressed zombie. She'll let you in and then her and Mr. Broflovski are sneakin' out."

I looked at Kenny blankly and he looked back before he pushed me in the direction of Kyle's house. "Go," he had ordered and I went.

I don't much remember the walk to Kyle's house, just that it was hard and that more than once I thought of taking the long way back to my own house. But when I thought of that it only hurt. I didn't know how much longer I could be avoided like this, hated like this and not understand why.

I didn't even knock on Kyle's front door before Mrs. Broflovski opened it with a tight smile. "He's upstairs in his room glaring at the wall no doubt. You boys really ought to get over this fight okay?" She asked and I only nodded as Kyle's dad came up behind his mom smiling at me with encouragement.

If they only knew at the time.

"Kyle! Your father and I are going now!" She had yelled up toward the stairs. It was a second or two before Kyle responded, still in an angry tone.

"I KNOW! YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEP TELLING ME!"

"Do you hear that?" Mrs. Broflovski had been exclaiming. "The way he yells back at me like that! I ought to-"

"Come on honey," Mr. Broflovski had said as he ushered her out. "Good luck Stan," he said to me as he shut the door behind them.

And with that I had been left alone with Kyle for the first time since I told him how I felt. I was nervous. I stared at the long staircase far longer than I should have before I started to ascend. When I got to his room, I heard the loud music and it made me hesitate in knocking. My small nerve was breaking and I almost didn't knock at all. So imagine my surprise when I did. It was kind of like my hand had a mind of its own. I stared at Kyle's door in horror and waited for him to answer.

"What?!" He called out. "What now?! I thought you guys were leaving?!"

I hadn't dared to move. I wasn't able to move and yet I found myself knocking again. I listened to the sounds of Kyle's exasperation and him turning off the music as he shuffled his way to the door. At the sound of his feet approaching I meant to turn and fly back down the stairs but all at the same time I just couldn't.

"Mom! I said what do you-" Kyle opened the door and stopped mid-sentence when he saw me standing there, looking nothing his mother. "Want," he finished lamely.

Even being frozen in place I saw a glint of something soft in Kyle's dark green eyes. But the same eyes quickly stormed over and he began to close his bedroom door shut before I launched myself at the door.

Too late.

The door had closed.

"Kyle," I said and I could hear the begging in my voice. I pressed my body against the door, one hand on the door knob, the other resting at my side

"Go away," I heard Kyle's sharp command.

"Kyle please," I said, even softer. "Are you just going to ignore me forever, are we never going to talk ever again? Come on! I'm…I didn't mean…I don't know what to do here," I finally squeaked out.

At that the door flew open and I almost fell through the doorway, lucky enough for me Kyle was right there to break my fall.

I heard the violent thumps and the sharp intakes of breath. After shaking my head I looked down at him, noticing he was holding himself up with one elbow, the other rubbing the back of his head.

"Ow," Kyle hissed

"Are you okay?" I asked, and for second I forgot why it was we ended up in this position. Kyle tended to be accident prone and because of his pale skin he bruised easily.

"I'm fine! Get off of me," Kyle huffed out, pushing me from his body.

"But your head," I started, standing back away from him to help him up.

"I said I'm fine and I told you to go away! Don't you listen?!" He snapped at me, glaring as hard as he could muster.

It had been the glare that set me off. I was done being hurt, and confused, I was getting pissed off myself.

"Yeah I heard you," I responded back sharply. "But I'm not going anywhere. I tell you I love you and you act like a complete ass toward me all week! Do you have any idea how I've been feeling? I barely know what to think and you, you…" I could feel my anger fading as quick as it came. I just couldn't keep it up. I wasn't mad. "If you don't want a fag as a friend you could've just told me. It would have been better than this," I whispered and turned to leave.

And I thought that was going to be the end of things. I thought that was the end of our, then fourteen year, friendship but Kyle stopped me.

"Don't call yourself that," he said tersely with his hand wrapped around my wrist.

"Why not?" I asked, ripping my hands from his grasp. "That's what you're thinking isn't it? That you can't stand to be around me, that I disgust you, that you wish we were never friends to fucking begin with!" It was the first time, in a long time that I felt tears stinging the corners of my eyes. I think the time before that had been when Sparky died and that was three years earlier.

"That's not it at all!" Kyle had yelled, frustrated about…something. I didn't get it then. "Look I just…Stan I've gotta think about this okay? I'm sorry I've been such a prick, but you surprised me. I just…I have to have more time. Please, just a bit more, until tomorrow?"

I wasn't sure what he had to think about. I assumed it was on the state of our friendship and whether or not he wanted to continue it, so I only nodded numbly and left.

And then the next day Kyle approached me after school and we talked. He told me he felt the same way I did for him. He said the reason he had been so angry was because he was embarrassed that I had blurted everything out in the middle of the hall, and I had laughed a little bit. It was mostly a relieving sort of laughter, but I told him that made sense and that I was sorry for embarrassing him.

I asked if he was sure about how he felt and I thought I might have seen a flicker of hesitation but it was gone before it registered. He only nodded and smiled.

That is, and probably always will be, the happiest day of my life. Even though he had just told me how he clearly felt about public displays I couldn't help but snag a quick kiss. It didn't seem to bother him too much, but he was clearly surprised.

After that I couldn't see my future as anything but bright.

I was such a fool.

I should have known. I knew he didn't feel the same way...but I loved him. I love him. And his leaving me is my greatest fear right now. It's my greatest fear because it's inevitable, so it's best if I leave first.

The way he looks now, saddened, lost…they're practically mirrors of me. This relationship has done nothing but suck the both of us dry. I'm so tired of fighting, of screaming at the top my lungs, of shoving him because he won't kiss me in the privacy of what I thought was supposed to be our home.

I'm tired of always having to coax him into making love. The very phrase makes me snort. Making love. It's an obligation for him, nothing more. Yet, I can't figure out why he stays.

We fight so much. About everything. He starts them, I start them, we can barely agree on anything. We put on a nice little front for our friends and I suppose to them we are in a perfect relationship because it's only in front of them that I've ever been allowed to show Kyle any affection.

When I saw him dancing with Tweek at that club in Denver I felt like he was punching me as hard as he possibly could. He must have known what that would do to me. For as long as we've been together he's never...smiled and laughed at me the way he did with Tweek. Because he knew Tweek wasn't interested. Tweek had Craig, so their time together was simply two friends hanging out and having a good time.

"Break it down for me then," I say quietly. "Why is it so complicated?"

At first I don't think he's going to answer me. He's been studying his hands for so long I thought he'd decided not to say anything, but he does. "Because…because we've been together for five years…friends even longer than that."

"And in those five years I haven't once felt that you really felt the same for me. Am I wrong?"

He says nothing.

"Am I wrong?" I repeat hearing the strangled sound in the edge of my throat.

"Yes," he says timidly, rubbing his hands together as he looks to the side.

"Kyle," I say softly. "You're lying. Why are you still lying?"

"I'm not!" His voice rises louder.

"Stop! Stop faking it! I don't know why you are, I don't know why you have been, but I don't appreciate it!"

There's a silence that lingers between us. I don't know how long it goes on. It could be minutes, it could be an hour, but the only sounds are the light breathing of the both of us.

"If," he starts, cracking the silence. "If I said I didn't love you…and that, and that I never did. What would you say? What would you do?"

I stare at him hard and even though he still isn't looking at me, the harshness of my gaze eventually forces him to do so.

"I don't know if I could say anything, but I know I'd want to cry since I've loved you every day for seven years."

"I'm sorry Stan!" He cries out and he buries his face in his hands, unable to keep up the pretense.

I lean my body against the back of the chair I'm on, letting my neck hang over in that awkward angle and close my eyes. It's no use though. They still come. I knew this is what would happen and I had even tried to prepare myself mentally, even so…it makes no difference. It still feels like the air has left my lungs. It still feels like I won't be happy again.

My head is slowly spinning and I feel as if I've gotten off a very harsh carousel ride. I'm nauseous and feel like vomiting and I have a headache coming.

He never loved me?

I knew. But I'd hoped, because that's what people do.

"Then I don't understand," I manage out, feeling the bile climbing up my throat. "Why?"

"I didn't want it to be awkward, I didn't want our friendship to suffer because of it, and most of all I wanted you to be happy," he mumbles out. "That day you came to my house you should have seen your face. You were hurting so badly, you were in so much pain…there was no way I could deny you anything. I wanted to see you smiling again and laughing with me again. I just wanted my best friend happy."

"…You went through five years of a relationship you didn't want to be part of to make me happy?" That doesn't make sense. "Kyle how could I have been happy when you weren't? I admit the first few months I was deliriously happy. I was drunk on it…but it was so easy for me to see that you weren't, even if you didn't say why. So, to say that you did all this for my sake…when I haven't been that happy for over four years, sounds crazy."

"I know it is, but I hadn't meant for it to go on so long…I thought you'd find someone else eventually," he says slowly.

I let out a fake chuckle, "after you I didn't think there'd be anyone else."

He tenses. I can tell he didn't expect me to say that even if it's how I honestly feel. There's a lot more things I want to ask Kyle. Like how he could kiss me, touch me, when he didn't feel a thing, but the very thought of hearing those answers exhaust me and I decide I don't want to know a lot of it. I got the basic answer anyway.

"Can I ask you question?" Kyle mutters, meeting my eyes once more.

I nod slowly, not sure if I really want to hear his question.

"Why would you hit me?"

His voice is crystal clear as he asks it, and while I'd expect him to be angry about it, he just looks like he really wants to know. I stare at the side of his face where I know the bruise is and while I still can't believe I did that, I know the exact reason and I don't falter in telling me. All the same I can't look at him as I do it either.

"…I wanted you to feel how I've been feeling for the past 4 years because…you know what sucks Kyle?" I don't wait for him to answer. "When you love someone with everything you have, but you know they don't feel the same. They don't break things off, or tell you what you could do to make them feel the same. They just lead you on, giving you false hope that they might come around. It's a horrible feeling. And when you had been standing in front of me yelling all I could see was the person who would never love me back, but wouldn't tell me. The person who only relaxed around others and when I wasn't around. I remembered so many of our petty fights and all the times I wondered why anyone would fight over anything so silly…everything swarmed at me and I snapped."

At the sound of sniffling I glance back over at Kyle and see that he's wiping at his cheeks, "I tried," he spits out. "I really did. I wanted it to be the same, for me to give you the love that you gave me. I did give it my all, but Stan I just don't…and I didn't want to lose you. I still don't. I don't know what I'd have to do to keep you. Won't you tell me, because I've made us both miserable! I made you hit me when you never in a million years would have hit anyone, except for Cartman, and that hurts more than actually having been hit."

"You're such an idiot," I growl out. Without hesitation I reach over and wrap him in a hug. Holding tight to his shoulders not caring that he's slobbering all over mine. "No matter what, even if you dumped me you wouldn't be able to get rid of me. It'd hurt…but I'd be okay in the end. If you didn't feel the same you should have just said so. You're my best fucking friend you son of a bitch."

"I am, even now?" He mumbles into my shoulder.

"Even now."

I wonder if it's wrong that at this moment I'm clinging to him more than just to make him feel better. I'm trying to make myself feel better since he never let me hold him like this before. That and I'm trying not to let my insides collapse on me. I feel like crying myself, like going into a corner and bawling. It's selfish, but I wanted Kyle for myself and I can't ever have him. At least not in the way I truly want.

Eventually though I can feel when it's time to let him go before he starts to get uncomfortable. We separate and go back to our separate seats.

"Where do we go from here?" Kyle asks.

I was waiting for this question from the second I decided to come to Kenny's place. No, from the second Kyle fled here after I hit him.

I reach around in my coat pocket and extract my keys. Dropping them into Kyle's unsuspecting hands.

"What're these?"

"The apartment keys…well, my copies anyway."

"Huh?"

"One of us has gotta move out, and Shelly could use the help paying rent at her place so she doesn't mind me going there. Of course it's going to be pure hell for the both of us but, she's still my sister."

Kyle looks at the keys, and then me. "Shelly lives in New Mexico."

I take a deep breath, "yeah. Not exactly prime real estate, but it'll do."

"You don't have to-" he starts, but I cut him off.

"I do."

"But I -!" He starts to protest.

"Even if you hadn't told me everything I partially came here to end things between us. We're shit together, and you know it too. Besides I hit you and even if you've forgiven me I can't forgive myself. I've never hit anyone. A person can't go walking around swinging their fists eh Kenny?" I add the last part loudly.

Kyle turns his head sharply and we watch Kenny slink in, not looking the least bit sorry at having been caught eavesdropping.

"Guess that makes sense," he says as I toss the ice pack onto his coffee table. "New Mexico huh?"

I nod.

"When you leaving?"

"Today, after this."

"What?" Kyle whispers out, turning back to face me.

"I spent most of last night thinking, making some phone calls, and then packing; finishing up early this morning. Everything I own is either in my car right now or on its way to New Mexico via FedEx."

While Kyle continues to look lost for words, Kenny comes up to me and gathers me in a hug. Something he never does.

"When're you coming back?" He mutters.

"Dunno, maybe never?"

"Don't talk like that mother fucker."

"Wanna come with me? I could use the crutch. I'm not really taking all this as well as I look."

Kenny and I break apart with him holding me out with both his arms, a cocky grin on his face. "I know, but how could I leave all this?" He asks, gesturing to his shitty apartment. "Maybe eventually, Kyle's got you-know-who anyway and we gotta stick together in pairs at least."

"I'll call you when I get there," I say with a firm nod and Kenny nods back before releasing his hold on me. "Have a safe trip man. I'm going out for a smoke," he adds and waves before heading for his back door to do just that.

"No way, this is all too sudden," Kyle says lightly. "You can't just go."

"Then what should I do? Give me a break Kyle," I say trying to give him a smile only to fail miserably. "Just looking at you hurts like hell you know. I need to go away for a bit…and you'll be better off without me around for awhile too." I stand up, deciding that it's time to go.

Kyle sees this and his eyes start to flicker around as if he's looking for something to give him an idea of what to say next. And then I do smile softly, and I reach out, cupping his cheek gently. His frantic eyes lock on mine and he finally lets out a slow sigh. He closes his eyes briefly before opening them back up and that's when I see him understand. Of course he would, because we can read each other like no other.

I head out of Kenny's the same way Kenny left for a smoke. Once I shut the door firmly behind me I turn to him, watching as he leans against the building, eyeing the smoke that's leaving his lips.

"He's got loads more to tell you," he says.

"I figured as much…I guess I've still got a lot to tell him too."

'"Then shouldn't you stick around a bit longer?"

I give Kenny a pained expression and he holds his hands up in defense, before heaving himself off the building and flicking his cigarette to the side. Kenny watches me for a length he knows has me uncomfortable, not that he cares, but eventually I watch his head turn slowly to the side.

"What?" I press.

"It's because he's not gay dude."

I stare at Kenny for a bit, before staring at the closed apartment door and back at him again. Before I know it I've started to laugh. Laughing so hard and loud that I'm sure even Kyle can hear me, so it's a good thing he doesn't come out to investigate. Because my laughter turns slightly and I find myself on the dirty ground, clutching the barely alive grass, sobbing relentlessly. I'm not sure when but I can at some point feel Kenny wrapping an arm around my shoulder, but it doesn't stop the endless tears.

Kyle and I…we were just two people, too damaged, too much, too late.

Maybe it is time to call our friendship to an end.

-FG