EDWARD

A CAUTIONARY TALE BY BELTS

Edward Cullen arrived in Forks, wanting to die.

Two Days Earlier

"It's over," said Gertrude.

"What?" shrieked Edward.

"I said, it's over. I don't like you anymore. You're weird and creepy. Your skin is ice cold, and hard like a statue. There are big purple bruises under your eyes, which are yellow like a cat. You're a total ranga, I mean look at your hair - Ron Weasley's shade is hotter than yours. Your laugh is like a musical scale, which is just freaky, and lastly - you're too domineering."

Edward felt a tear almost form in his eye. "But … I thought girls liked these things?"

Gertrude shrugged apologetically. "Sorry, Edward, but these things just aren't natural. So, this won't last between us. I'm really sorry."

"Man!" Edward sobbed. "Why does this always happen to me? Everything my brothers touch turns to gold, but everything I touch fucking backfires! Do I wish it was nineteen eighty-three all over again? … Yeah! I do! Those were the glory days."

"This is what I mean, Edward! You're talking about crazy things! I don't think I ever want to see you again."

Edward tried to compose himself as he watched Gertrude walk away.

"One day, I will find her," he said to himself forcefully. "I will find a girl who won't think for herself, who will agree with everything I say … someone brainless, someone desperate and dim-witted, someone who won't care that I have unnatural, unattractive qualities in my appearance … and I'll find her in Forks."

End Flashback

This is how Edward Cullen found himself in Forks, desperately depressed … he had been listening to the thoughts of all the girls in the school, but no one seemed to fit his description … sure, there was that one girl at lunch who didn't appear to have any thoughts, but he couldn't be certain.

"Why?" Edward asked himself. "Why can't I find the perfect girl? Surely she's here somewhere."

And as luck would have it, that was the instant in which Bella Swan walked into the biology classroom and into his life.

Here was a girl who fit all of Edward's prerequisites, a girl who would bend to his every will, however evil … Edward grinned as she took the only seat left in the classroom next to him, and let the courting begin.

Friends don't let friends read Twilight. Don't let yourself or anyone close to you get caught up in the hysteria. Just say no.

A/N: This is Erick, I am just letting you know in advance that I probably won't respond to any reviews. Sorry! Feel free to review anyway.