DC: I don't own it

Thanks to my reviewers

This is the result of watching Twilight and the deleted scenes with my friends and joking about it.

Om nom Carlisle

"I love it when men chase me," Victoria purred before slamming James against the tree and noming his neck. She was seriously going all up into his neck and jaw. James growled and kissed her back, a laugh bubbling in his throat. Victoria pushed his head aside and sucked on his neck.

"Insensitive pricks," Laurent groaned. "You know I'm still alone! Think about my poor violin and how nobody has played it!"

James and Victoria stopped and turned. "Violin?" Victoria asked.

"It's my name for my unmentionables!" Laurent said outraged. "YOU DON'T KNOW ME AT ALL!"

James and Victoria looked at each other, shrugged then went back to making out.

---

Laurent once found himself walking dramatically through the woods. He usually liked walking to the dramatic beat in his head. He strode with powerful manful strides. Like a manly Frenchman who hailed from France!

"You gonna walk at regular speed?" James asked. "And how long are you going to make Vicky hold that fan?"

"When I'm good and ready," he snapped. He continued to walk in slow motion as the fan blew his hair in the wind.

"Do you hear that?" Victoria asked.

"What? The sound of my glorious person?" Laurent asked.

"Sounds like some vampires are at play," James grinned, "how about we go check it out."

"This may require walking at normal speed," Victoria said back to her strange companion. The three strode with powerful manful strides towards the clearing where the vampires were playing ball.

---

Carlisle was horny. He never liked being in such a state because Esme rarely was when the kids were in town. He knew the reason he was horny was because she was wearing fairly tight pants. Her butt stuck out when she was up to bat and he was in heaven.

But since he was so distracted by Esme and her luscious backside he didn't notice her hit the ball until it hit him in the face. He did manage to catch it though which redeemed him in the eyes of his team, but a severe glare from Edward told him he had to get his act together.

Oh like he's one to talk. He's be gawking at Bella every chance he can get! He wants to tap that and tap that hard!

"Carlisle! Kindly shut the hell up that is disgusting!"

"I happen to think you would be better suited with a vagina, so sue me."

Payback is indeed a bitch!

"Esme! Carlisle is thinking about you naked again!"

"Yeah he can get like that."

Edward watched a blush creep across Bella's cheeks and laughed. The game stopped when Alice saw the three vampires on their way. The vampires flocked around Bella.

"Mm what could that be about?" Victoria purred.

"Hello, I am Laurent, and this is James and Victoria," Laurent said with a smile, "we heard the noise and came to investigate."

"Unfortunately your hunting has caused a bit of a bind for us. We live here full time you see."

"No problem, we were just passing through. Your name?"

"Carlisle. And this is my family."

Carlisle. That was his name. Laurent sighed as he looked over the angelic face with eyes and hair of gold. He was talking about something but he didn't hear it. He was focused on the soft lips as they shaped themselves around the words. Laurent bit his lip and sighed.

His chance to marvel at the beauty of the doctor was short lived and James ruined things as he always did. That was just great! However was he going to get a date with the golden adonis now?!

He left with his companions.

"I'm going to get that girl. Oh it'll be a marvelous hunt," James growled with a grin on his face. Whenever he was worked up he made out with Victoria. So Laurent took the chance to get away.

---

"What are you doing here?" Carlisle asked as Laurent appeared.

"You are the only one home? The others are protecting the human girl no doubt. I came to warn you about James."

"Come in," Carlisle said. They went into the living room. "Why does James want Bella?"

"It is the thrill of the hunt. Tell me, how long have you been here?"

"I moved her with my wife and adopted children two years ago."

"Your wife? The blonde?"

"Brunette," Carlisle corrected.

"You prefer brunettes?"

"Um...yes I suppose."

"Lighter brunettes or darker like mine?"

Carlisle shrugged. "Both I guess."

"You're English right?"

"What does this have to do with anything?"

"Yes. No?"

"Yes, I'm British."

"How old?"

"Three hundred and sixty."

Laurent smiled. "What do you do here? You say you live full time."

"I'm a doctor at...oh my!"

Carlisle gasped when he was tackled by the olive skinned French vampire. Laurent kissed him hard.

"Mmf!" Carlisle protested.

"Oh you have no idea how long I have waited for this day! Play my violin! Play it with your beautiful British fingers!"

"OH DEAR LORD!"

"So long I have waited! So long!"

"For the love of all that's holy! Please desist!"

Carlisle was pinned. Curse his slight effeminate frame! Curse it to hell!

"You are the one I am looking for! It's you! You beautiful blonde adonis! Creature of grace and beauty! Heal the wounds of my heart by having manly sex with me!"

Carlisle wasn't horny anymore. He actually briefly wondered if he survived this if he ever would be again.

"Carlisle! Are you here?!"

"Esme! Help! The Frenchman is trying to rape me!"

Esme ran in. "Can you really only think of sex at a time like this?!" She cried.

"HELP ME!"

Esme pulled the other vampire off of her husband and gave him a look. "He's mine."

"B-but! Oh drat it! All I wanted was a blonde three hundred year old english doctor that would love and cherish me forever! Who would play my violin and make me sing his sweet melody! I'm doomed to walk this earth alone!"

"Try lowering your standards," Esme suggested. "What does a violin have to do with anything?"

"He means his penis and or prostate, Esme!" Carlisle cried. He was crouched on Edward's piano as if Laurent was a mouse. "That man wants to have sex with me!"

"But alas," Laurent sighed sadly, "it isn't meant to be. Farewell my almost lover, I shall never forget thee."

With that he jumped out of the window and Esme rolled her eyes. "The door was right there," she grumbled. Carlisle just cried into his knees.

TBC

Okay this is nothing against Laurent but my gaydar went off when I saw him in the movie. My friends and I watched the deleted scene and we laughed at his face when the other two were making out. Then we felt bad and decided that he would be most attracted to Carlisle. Why Carlisle? Cuz he's cute :)