Disclaimer: Code Geass and all related characters and materials are property of Sunrise and CLAMP.

My Best Friend
By: Nanaki BH

How many, he had wondered.

How many more precious people to him had to die before it would finally be his turn to step over the threshold? When would he be reunited with his princess and hold her hand and see her smile again?

Suzaku's mind felt blank as he stared at the wall, his thoughts seeming to reject the reality of what had actually happened. It made him want to cry, to scream, because the one person he had left, the one worth the most to him had... The moment he came near it, his thoughts shied away, denying it if only because it had been his fault. Maybe it was their fault and his young emperor shared half the blame. But no matter how many times his thoughts strayed, his hands would remember the feeling of the cold hilt of the sword and the contrast of Lelouch's warm blood.

His head was swimming, his stomach felt sick. He curled up, hugging his knees weakly to his chest, hands shaking in the death-grip on his pants. He could still hear Nunnally shrieking and sobbing, could still see her pulling her brother close as he faded away. And what of him? His tears had already gone dry, far past the point of crying. But he still remembered the way his tears ran down to his chin and pooled around his neck underneath the mask, watching from behind the glass with tear-blurred eyes as if viewing a grand tragedy, hoping, so hoping that Lelouch would rise after the final act.

For just one last bow.

One last...

He blinked, startled that more tears had somehow found their way to his eyes.

It wasn't like this before, for Euphie. This feeling made him want to scream and claw at his own heart. He wanted to escape it so badly.

"Lelouch," he gasped, the name sounding half-absurd on his own tongue now. "What've I..." His breath caught and he choked back a sob, swiping at the tears flowing down the corners of his eyes. His mouth went dry, unable to let the words fall from his lips.

He wanted nothing more than to die, to disappear finally and escape the madness that had surrounded them. Even if he left his life as Suzaku Kururugi, he'd inherited the life of a man far more infamous. It was all for Lelouch but now... He wished none of it had happened. They would still be attending Ashford Academy, seeing each other everyday, imparting smiles to each other whether they were real ones or not. Right then, the happiness of thousands felt like nothing compared to his sadness. He just wanted to see Lelouch smiling again, even if it meant taking back all the progress they'd made.

It frightened him how easily Lelouch's sadly smiling face came to mind. He didn't try to forget it. It was the last time he would see him smile and he wanted to hold that as close as he could.

As his vision began to clear a little more again, his gaze settled on the mask on the bedside table. It wasn't his, didn't feel like his, felt like he was borrowing it, felt like he could give it back. It was the oddest feeling to lay there and think, "he's gone." Somehow, he still felt like he could shove the thing back at Lelouch's chest and say, "I don't want this." All of it.

It physically hurt to drag himself up from the bed. His muscles screamed as he stretched from his curled position. A wave of nausea rushed over him and he doubled over again, gripping his ankles so tightly he felt his nails dig in, creasing the fabric of his suit. His...

No. It's not mine. It's not...

It didn't even fit right. It was too small for him, straining around the arms and legs whenever he would move. It had fit so perfectly on Lelouch, clinging to all the right places without looking outright erotic. He pressed his hands against his chest, running them up over his shoulders, tugging the cravat closer to his face. It still smelled like him. The idiot hadn't even bothered to get it cleaned before giving it to him. Oh God it still smelled like him.

"This is... too much, Lelouch. Too terrible." It wasn't necessary, he didn't have to do it. Nunnally was alone now and Lelouch was too stupid to realize that all she needed for her world to be safe was her brother.

"What about me," he sobbed. Why did I agree to this, why did I do it, what am I supposed to do now, I'm not strong enough for this, Lelouch, Lelouch, Lelouch is...

Three a.m. Nobody would need him.

His hand reached out slowly, disgustingly calm, considering. His fingers curled around the handle of the drawer at his bedside and he pulled it open. Without having to see it, his hand found the familiar object he was looking for. Clutching it, he closed his eyes, debating for hardly even a second before removing the case from the drawer.

He looked at it vacantly, opening the case with a slight click. Inside were three vials, same as he last saw them. Beside them, the syringe. He paused before he took it in his hand, even though he had already made his decision. In one deft move, the vial was slid into place and the syringe positioned at his neck. Counting to three in his head. Let his eyes roll back. Forgot everything. Remembered everything.

It might have been a little bit better if he didn't consciously know it wasn't real. He hadn't done it many times before but his knowledge of it lessened his awareness of its effects. But for now, so long as this room was transformed only briefly into the one at the palace, then he would be okay with that. It would be okay if he could just pretend. It wasn't his pillow he was resting back upon. These weren't his hands inching over the suit. He wasn't wearing it because he had to. No, it was for entirely different reasons. Reasons that made him feel a little uncomfortable. But Lelouch assured him.

"You look better in it than me, that's for sure."

God, that voice.

He opened his eyes slowly, blinking passed some tears that yet refused to fall. "Your majesty," he whispered, feeling so suddenly, utterly relieved to see Lelouch looking down at him. Lelouch stayed like that for a moment, just quietly observing him. A warm hand reached down and brushed his hair from his face, gloved thumbs wiping away stray tears. It might very well have been his own, but he didn't care it was Lelouch, Lelouch was...

"Look what's happened to you." He laughed softly, still loud in the silence of the room.

"So why dress me up like this anyway? Got some kind of fetishes I should know about, majesty?"

Lelouch paused, looking surprised, then laughed again, this time more pronounced. "What are you imagining right now anyway? Have you always thought I'm a sexual deviant or... perhaps it's you?"

His words were pretty sharp for a figment of his imagination, but Suzaku preferred it that way; he would rather him seem more realistic than just an ideal Lelouch. He like this Lelouch, the one that snipped at him when he would say something dumb and correct him.

"Maybe it is me," he admitted, reaching out to wrap his arms around him. He could almost imagine the way his arms would feel around Lelouch's thin waist, feel the way his weight would feel pressing down against his stomach. It might have just been the suit still, but he could so vividly remember the scent of Lelouch's shampoo as he pressed his nose into his hair.

"God, Lelouch." He'd finally broken and not even this fix would be able to mend him. "I miss you. Please..."

"Please what? I'm right here, Suzaku."

His arms were embracing him, his hands stroking the back of his neck as he guided his chin to his shoulder, his body so close, so warm, so alive.

So...

"L-Lelouch..."