The Opposite of Engrish
By HikamiTZ

Kanda sat down at a cafeteria table, making a personal effort to find a place to be alone. It wasn't that difficult, seeing how most of the Black Order eating at that time was scared away from their tables at his arrival. Today's breakfast would be another that he would use to stomach his favorite soba. How anyone could handle the same thing for every meal everyday was beyond most normal humans, but, undeterred by such questions, Kanda stirred a decent amount of wasabi into his sauce and ate away.

A clanking at the other end of the table drew his attention momentarily and he discovered intruders at his meal. They sat only ten chairs away (the maximum distance—the infidels sat at the opposite end of the table). Kanda tried to ignore the new additions of Lavi and Krory to his space no matter how their presence irked him. It was his table, after all, and Kanda was not one to show weakness. Kanda had managed to forget about them entirely despite Lavi's obnoxious voice until the unexpected happened.

Six trays hit his table right in front of him, each piled with food to their limit. Getting over a short moment of comprehension, Kanda glared in disbelief at Allen Walker, he who dared to sit in front of him and disturb his peaceful breakfast in the process.

"Ohayo, Kanda!" Allen said pleasantly.

Kanda's eyebrow twitched, his permanent glare becoming one of mild shock. What was that the bean sprout had just said? Kanda certainly understood it, but that white-haired runt couldn't possibly have just used…

"Donna tabemono wo tabemasu desu ka?" Allen said choppily with a wide smile.

Soba couldn't possibly provide all of the nutrients Kanda's body needed. Something eventually was going to push him past his limit and the semi-malnutrition would kick in. The moment had finally arrived, and Kanda clutched his chest as he felt a heart attack strike him. His breathing became ragged and loud.

"Who the hell told you to say that?" Kanda shouted in fury. Lavi and Krory now looked up from their meal to observe all the commotion.

Allen's smile just brightened. "I'm learning Japanese! I thought it would be fun!"

Lavi, having now scooted over a few chairs closer, raised an eyebrow. "Where's the practicality in that, Allen? You ain't got no one to use it with."

"Sure I do! I can talk to Kanda! Kanda wa Nippon wo hanashimasu desu!"

Kanda drew Mugen from his side, pointing it menacingly at the youngest. "Stop. That. Now."

Allen's grin was spreading, infecting Lavi now as well. The red head grinned evilly. "S'matter, Yu? Feeling nostalgic?"

"Kanda, asa wo tabemashou desu!"

"STOP SAYING 'DESU' AT THE END OF EVERYTHING!" Kanda demanded. Tears were welling in his eyes as this ignorant Westerner massacred his native language, which went without mentioning Allen's horrible pronunciation.

Allen blinked. "Oh, is that wrong?"

"Very. Now GO AWAY."

Frowning, Allen attempted to communicate on his new level again. "Kanda, issho ni boku wo tabemashou."

Sometime during the thick silence that followed Allen's words, Lavi snickered.

Kanda threw his tray into Allen's face and stormed out of the cafeteria.

Five minutes later, after Krory and Lavi had helped Allen clean himself off, Krory couldn't help but wonder. "What did you say to make him so mad?"

Allen shrugged while Lavi smiled knowingly. The junior bookman apparently knew some Japanese himself. "He said, 'Let's eat me together.'"

For those curious about what Allen was actually saying, here's a (rough) translation:

"Donna tabemono wo tabemasu desu ka?" - You are what kind of food are you eating?
"Kanda wa Nippon wo hanashimasu desu!" – Kanda is speaks Japan.
"Kanda, asa wo tabemashou desu!" – Kanda, it is let's eat morning.
"Kanda, issho ni boku wo tabemashou." – Kanda, let's eat me together.