'It was just like every other day' was what he told himself.

He had to pretend like every drop that hit against his window wasn't some form or torture in this purgatory. The happenings outside of his suddenly cold office didn't bother him in the slightest, or at least this is what he wished. He had to sign all the paperwork, organize all the mission papers, give written consent; all of these things just as he had every other day of the year. The only problem with this day was; at that current moment he wanted to just curl up in a ball in the corner of his room and ignore the rest of the world. It wasn't like his room was any safer than his office, he still felt so vulnerable in the room with its huge glass window that overlooked the village.

He tried to distract himself with stacking a neat pile of freshly signed papers on the corner of his desk. At that exact moment a bolt of lightning lit up the sky and illuminated the room with an intense shine. His hand jolted and sent the papers slipping across the floor, he could only watch as they fluttered and twisted in the air. His mind seemed to be reminding him of that time, a small hint of a memory that he had locked behind a mental barrier was slipping through.

He snapped out of his stupor and quickly jumped out of his chair to go collect the papers and get back to his tedious job. At that exact second the thunder quickly snapped through the air like a whip and caused him to lose his balance. The fear that tore through his body sent him tripping over the chair and landing heavily on the floor. He had curled his arm underneath him to stop the blunt of the fall, but instead only succeeded in knocking most of the air out of his lungs in one swift hit to his solar plexus. As he lay on the floor trying to catch his breath he tilted his head up to glare at the papers, blaming them for this disgraceful accident and hoping that they would burst in flames any moment now.

The sand in the gourd beside his desk swirled around unpleasantly as it sensed the pain of its master, but Gaara frantically held it down and settled it. He slowly tested his arm but lifting himself up off of his chest with it, but with one more crack of lightning it trembled and collapsed beneath him. Sweat trickled down his nape, and he pressed his forehead to the floor taking in deep and hopefully calming breaths. He knew he needed to pull himself together, he tried to comfort himself in the thought that the rain would be over soon and everything would go back to normal. No matter how much he tried to hide from it the rain would always come around this time of year, and after so many years of living there he thought this phobia would have died with him.

He sat himself up quickly and reached for the papers with more ferocity then needed, and as a result many were crumpled in his grasp. Never before had he ever shown anger, especially now as the Kazekage. It was the mere thought of his late father mixed with the thunderstorm outside that put him on edge. He was still waiting for him to show up and ruin the carefully tidied life he had managed to obtain, sending him back into his old ways.

He stared down at the half he had managed to acquire that were within his reach and felt himself losing his grip on reality as those harsh memories slipped into his vision. His eyes glassed over and pain slowly filled into them, making him feel weak as the insecurities reached the peak of his tolerance.

He barely had time to register the brisk tempo of heels hitting the floor in the hallway outside his office before there was a gentle knock and then the knob slowly turned. When a blonde poked her head through he felt himself tense up, and never before had he been so intimidated by a woman who had no fighting skills whatsoever. He held his breath and watched her, hoping that she would finish her business and leave before his mind could taunt him with her reasoning for being there.

She was just his secretary, just the happy blonde with the girlfriend, she was no threat.

He cleared his throat when he saw her give him a funny look, but she simply wrote it off and came into the room fully whilst carrying a very prim and perfect looking folder. The contents made the inner thoughts of the redhead cringe with what else she could possibly be bringing him. But her first words weren't about the papers or about her supposedly important folder, no, they were more along the lines of... "Um, Gaara-

sama, what the hell are you doing on the floor?"

His voice came out more strangled than usual, but if she noticed she took no action to assure him, "Picking up the reports, can I help you?"

She was once again reminded of the reason she was there, her face perked up and she reached into the yellow piece of cardboard and pulled out one solitary document then held it out to him. He frowned when he realized she was expecting him to get up onto his feet and get it, but with his body acting as strange as it was there was no way he could make it to his knees. He glanced at the ground and saw that some of the damn pages had made it to her feet, so he quickly improvised. "Can you pick up those papers there?"

She frowned prettily but still bent down to retrieve his precious sheets, and then glided over to him and knelt down near him with a smile. She then carefully reached into her pocket, catching his tensed expression, and pulling out a pen. She handed the one page to him and then the writing tool.

He glanced at her, "What is this?"

She rolled her eyes and sighed in obvious aggravation, "My vacation notice, you need to sign it before I leave for Konoha tomorrow."

He felt a shiver run through his whole body at the mention of leaving, something felt off, and his paranoia was currently taking over his brain. "Why are you going out of... never mind" He cut himself off and realized that he probably had not right in asking her that. He was also feeling as though he could not trust his voice any longer when the last word became lodged in his throat.

Her eyebrows furrowed, and although she knew she didn't have to tell him a damn thing, she still felt a bit of sympathy for him. She knew there was something wrong, but instead of prying in his dilemma she figured it was an inner demon he needed to face. She really didn't have a problem with telling him anyways, but instead she was reminded of the fact that he didn't have any significant other, and her telling him stuff like what she was planning would probably go over his head... Or would it?

"I'm going to see my girlfriend, she lives there." She paused and placed a slender finger to her cheek in thought, "But you know Gaara-sama, you've been looking kind of tense lately...?"

Gaara has lost all ability to move, he could only stare at her as his mind registered her words and the possible meaning behind them. She looked at him expectantly, but her smile turned a little more mischievous when he appeared to be very uncomfortable with the topic. "Maybe it's a sexual tension? You know you should really go for some of the guys around here..." She tilted her head and raised her eyebrows suggestively, "You know what they say..." And she paused as if dramatically reading it from a textbook, "'Guys should know how to please other guys and girls should know how to please other girls', if you get what I mean." She winked and then grabbed the signed document and high-tailed it out of there before he could register her words. But before she left the took a quick glance at him; Gaara looked nothing short of a -little- disturbed, if she could read his expression more clearly she would probably assume he was embarrassed as well. So far she could only see a crinkle in his brow that she usually saw after Temari left the office, normally yelling back something about his lack of a girlfriend.

During her little speech he felt himself slowly lifting his body to its feet and sitting down at the desk, he had to thank her one day for giving him the strength to do that. Surely she did that on purpose just to make him feel all the more awkward. She must have heard his conversation with Temari a couple days ago, and the heated debate that he was sure his sister had alarmed the whole building with. Now he could hardly contain his nervousness, and he looked down for the first time to notice all the sheets he had been so blindly scared to pick up. He hurriedly glanced at the slightly curved one and pulled it out of the pile. After reading the contents he let it drop into his lap and leant his head back.

Of course, of course he was coming tomorrow...

He turned his head to glance out of the window at the pouring rain, praying that it would be gone by then.

He succumbed to his body's need for rest and folded his arms on his desk, then rested his forehead in the cradle they created. He closed his eyes for the lack of a better view, since all he could see was the edge of the sturdy wooden desk, and concluded that he didn't need all of this right now. Perhaps he could get someone to fill in for him while he took a stress leave? He had never taken a vacation or sick day before, so he was sure he deserved it by now. Perhaps as soon as he knew Aomi, the secretary, had left and the Konoha ninja that were supposed to visit were there he would just disappear for a few days.

He exhaled an incredibly loud breath and squeezed his eyes shut tightly. The darkness that met his eyes gave his stressed out mind the screen it needed to remind him of all the problems he had been having lately.

Temari and Kankuro had been making strange insinuations about how he needed to find a suitable girlfriend that could help him get his so called life back. He didn't see the need for such a thing, and even though he was curious as to what the big deal about going out was he had neither the patience nor the time for it. Love wasn't something he understood, and no girl would put up with that for long. They all expected their lovers to know what they were thinking and to grow telepathic powers over night; it was something he just couldn't do for another human being.

He had never kissed, gone out with anyone in a 'girlfriend/boyfriend' manner, he hadn't scoped out girls with his brother or even thought of what sex may be like. Or perhaps that last one was a white lie- but he hadn't imagined doing anything with a specific person, it was more of curiosity and musings. He thought that perhaps one day there would be someone he'd find attractive and want to be with, but thus far it wasn't working out so well. Upon confiding in his brother that he had never found any girl even remotely interesting or attractive the alarm was raised and somehow this little tidbit got back to his sister. The woman had become confused in his lack of attraction, and then came to the conclusion that she would need to find him a girlfriend.

Which lead to his next problem; the Konoha ninja that were stopping in Suna for some reason or another –he had been too distracted to read the whole report- were the ones he did not need to see. Well to be more specific there were two he did not want to see for two completely different reasons. A group of four, Sai, Sakura, Tenten and...

His arms slipped from their position and he let his head hit the desk with a dull thunk, then he turned it to glance at the clock on his desk that informed him it was twelve in the morning. Had it really been two whole hours since Aomi had come in? Why were these thoughts causing poor work ethics to develop? He lifted himself up into a sitting position and ignored the bright flash that lit up the room. He also grabbed his arms to hide the shiver that prickled his spine harshly.

It wasn't as though he had a problem with the fourth group member, it was just that now he felt as though he never knew what to say to him. After writing letters back and fourth to each other for quite some time, he had begun to notice the strange feeling that tickled at the back of his subconscious growing whenever he thought of him. He couldn't explain what caused the feelings to blossom lately, even though they had met many times before and talked, it was something that he found very 'strange' about writing letters to someone else, especially since now they had just begun talking about their pasts and problems with each other.

The relationship was normal, and Kankuro had assured him as much, but even though they had been talking for about a year using simple replies back and fourth he had been thinking lately about certain things. Most of these thoughts involved a topic that he had yet to understand. The after-shock of thinking those ideas had lasted him all week.

He had never known what stemmed from friendships like these, and a small but curious part of him wanted to know if maybe this was the way 'a relationship' started out. Wasn't that what Kankuro has once 

said to him? Relationships start when the two people in them decide to talk about themselves and connect on an emotional level. Or at least that was what he read aloud from a textbook after his younger brother had been pestering him all day.

He had been wondering lately why these musings plagued him so. He didn't know why he was so interested in how the other person looked now that they hadn't seen each other in a good year and a half. Was there a reason why his stomach fluttered when he noticed a letter addressed to him in that style of writing? Was this normal behaviour for friends, or was it a precursor to feelings developing?

Was he looking too far into it?

These things confused him, much more then the feelings of neglect and hate he had always been sure would be a part of his life. Now he was driving himself insane trying to analyze what all these alien thoughts meant, and where or when these thoughts had spawned from. He hadn't replied to the last letter, one that asked him about, ironically, if he had a girlfriend since the last time they had seen each other. He didn't know if he should be offended by such a direct question, since he knew in society it was a personal question. However, they had been speaking for a while now, and it was innocent, so he shouldn't have had such a complicated reaction to it. He could no longer ask his brother about it, because he was sure that it would, once again, get to his sister somehow.

'Maybe it's a sexual tension?'

He leaned over and went back into the position he had been in before with his arms crossed and his head resting there. He felt his eyes grow heavy but regardless of the voice of reason that told him he should go home and sleep, it only took one loud bang to resolve him into staying there. Now he had time to think about all that had been straining him lately.

No, he knew what kind of tension this was; this was the tension that happened every time around this time of year. The one that the blonde girl hadn't been around to witness before, the paranoia that hit him so hard sometimes it knocked the oxygen from his lungs and reduced him to a petrified child. It was funny that during the time when he was so young that he could never understand why rain was so bad for him, and then all it took was for him to get soaked once for it to sink in. As he grew older he began to notice the distinct differences between sunny days and cloudy ones...

He was beginning to drift off and all the fear that had been keeping him awake drained out of his body and instead decided to get him during his only other vulnerable time. The time he had just gotten used to having and appreciating...

Sleep and dreams.

/

He didn't remember how he got there; he didn't remember what had happened before that moment. What he did know was that the sound of the rain pounding against the window was a cause for alarm, and if he stayed there he would be safe. He wouldn't be hurt; they wouldn't be able to get him as long as he was still dry...

The sound of footsteps made him realize that he was crying softly, and that his head had been pressed into the knees that were drawn to his chest because he snapped his head up quickly. It seemed like an eternity of hearing those loud echoing steps, and each one caused fear to strike up his spine like a drum. He was shaking so badly that he felt as though his body would fall apart if he didn't hold it like this. He didn't know what he had done wrong to deserve this; he wasn't sure why the sand hadn't stopped that ball from hitting him that day. What he did know was that his father saw it, and the grin that had appeared on his face had rocked his son to the core and made him run all the way home.

For the rest of the afternoon he had concentrated on wringing every last ounce of water out of the 

extension of his body, he had even changed his clothes and dried off his hair. Now he hid between the wall and his bed, praying that no one would come looking for him... even if they did enter the room, they wouldn't find him on first glance, maybe they would take a quick glance and then leave? The arm that had been hit with that small, wet, rubber ball began to burn. He held his breath and quieted his sobbing. The need for survival was taking over, and he knew that as long as they couldn't hear him he may be able to get through another day.

He looked over to the window and felt another tear slide down his face, Why?! He mentally screamed at the precipitation outside. What did I do to you? He was just a child, why should he have to worry about his father trying to find a way to kill him? He didn't understand why things had turned out this way, he now knew how an abusive child felt when they knew their living nightmare came home. The hiding may be able to save them, maybe if he could just disappear from sight, maybe if he just closed his eyes and willed it away then the rain would stop.

Then he wouldn't have to fear for his life.

Hushed words were whispered outside of the room, but for some strange reason they rang loud and clear as if they were breathed against his ear. The feeling made his stomach begin swirling and his shaking to double in magnitude. He pressed his eyes shut and tried to block everything out...

"This is the perfect opportunity... We can finally be rid of this monster." The other voice sounded gleeful, "that will teach the brat for killing Yashamaru..."

The feeling in his chest doubled in size and began choking him, he couldn't hold the sniff that held back the building tears. His grip tightened so much that his knuckles grew white and his legs began to pulse from lack of blood flow. Nothing could compare to the searing white hot pain that was stabbing at his chest repeatedly, like with every pulse of his heart it was another knife being driven in.

He wondered if dying would really be such a bad thing...

"Just do the job quickly, make sure he's good and dead before you leave." His fathers words held no emotion, except for a rushed sort of excited sound to them. Young Gaara had always known that this was strange behaviour for normal families. He used to watch the children in the parks with their parents, they didn't have to worry about this, they didn't have to worry about everyone waiting for the moment to kill them.

"Are you sure you don't want the honor yourself?" Suggested the other voice sinisterly, and there was a snigger that could be detected in the undertone of that question.

"Of course, but you deserve it."

His face was smashed into his kneecaps, and he stopped breathing when the doorknob opened and creaked open eerily.

"Oh, little Gaara-chan." Said that strange new voice in a sing song manner, "Come outside to play, Gaara-chan?" There were loud footsteps that entered the room, but by the sound of it they were walking around looking for him, "Don't worry, the rain won't hurt you..." there was a chuckle at the end and then the sound of kunai being rubbed together viciously. "Come out, I know you're in here..."

/Hush now, I'll kill him, don't you worry.../

Gaara stopped breathing and green eyes snapped open in his younger dream self. Ka-san? He called out, unable to distinguish the voice as anything he had heard before, but it was so comforting that he couldn't know any other word to call it.

/Yes, Gaara, just let me out, you won't have to worry any more, I'm fine now./

"Ka-san?" He cried out frantically as he caught sight of the man in a jounin vest.

"Found you, brat!" A large hand reached for him from the side to lift him out by his hair, but before he could grasp even a strand a bit of sand wrapped around his arm and slowly grew larger in volume. It snaked it's way around his arm and ignored his startled cry. "YOU TOLD ME HE NO LONGER COULD USE IT!"

There was a quiet curse and then the sound of someone walking away.

"WAIT! KAZEKAGE-SAM-...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGUYA!!-"

/There, there, don't cry.../

He rocked himself forwards and backwards again and again, trying to lull himself into a dull state of mind. The only problem was he knew the liquid dripping down his arms and hair wasn't water...

/

Airi: Hello everyone, and welcome to the first fiction I have completed since…

Um, I'll get back to you on that.

So this fiction will come in three parts- as soon as I finish tweaking around the last two chapters until they're just perfect. I have it done, but I don't love it yet.

Point to this fiction? Nothing. Actually I don't even like Naruto anymore, but I guess these sort of fandoms write themselves and I really had no say in the batter. I would have a mini spaz over how retarded Naruto Shippuuden is but I just don't care anymore.

Name change? New year, new hell, new personality. I don't think I've changed too dramatically, however, my outlook on life and everything has changed.

You can tell by the writing, if you pay REALLY close attention.

I am also currently torturing myself slowly, I guess reading old reviews will be my downfall… But, whatever, I promised I'd get help, and I am.

Therapist believes I have…. /counts/ six personality disorders, I find this humorous.

Neh. On to making the rest of this story look good…