Author's Note: Final chapter.

3

With an effort, Revya pulled herself out of bed, her eight-and-a-half-months large stomach weighing her down, then levered herself upright. She rested her palm above her naval, rewarded by three emphatic kicks. Maybe the baby had already been asleep and had wanted to stay that way. "Don't tell me you're going to take after your dad."

When she came down to the mess hall for breakfast, the first person she met was Killian, Danette's husband of six months. He leaned against his halberd and smiled at her. "I stood guard duty last night."

"Great," Revya said.

"I mean, the entire shift." He studied the halberd fondly. "I didn't even faint this time."

"Wonderful." Revya glanced around. "Is Danette up yet?"

"Yeah." Killian began to twist his fingers together. "She had a bad night. Kept needing to relieve herself, and she said her legs hurt. So she decided to get up early and go take a walk outside."

"It's still raining!" Danette snapped, stalking in, droplets flying off of her.

"You didn't slip in the mud?" Killian asked anxiously.

"No, but I didn't get to go on my walk either," she snapped. "Which is just as well because my hooves are killing me and my stomach feels like a lead ball."

Revya blinked. "I'm the one who's about to have a baby."

Danette glanced down at her own stomach, which was five months along. "Well, I can sympathize, can't I? Ooo!" One hand jumped to her stomach. "I felt another kick!"

Killian crowded close. "It might be one of the wings, stretching."

"If it has wings."

Revya left them to their ooing, grabbing herself some toast, porridge, and quite a few hotpods before returning to her room. But before she ate, she resolved to do some stretches on the floor.

Come on, tummy, out of the way. I've barely moved for three months now. I can't just sit around all the time. I'm going to go crazy. Even with a considerable reserve of willpower at her disposal, Revya's stretches mainly consisted of flailing her limbs out. After five minutes, she leaned against a bedpost and bit into a piece of toast. She was already more tired than she'd ever admit. I took a faceful of exploding Raksha without flinching, but my own baby's running me down?

She jumped as the door banged open. "Shore up the defenses, I'm back." She knew the voice quite well, but she was used to hearing it with more enthusiasm. While she pressed her back against the bedpost, using it to heave herself up, Gig stalked in, drenched from head to foot. He flipped several mop-like strands of hair out of his eyes, then took her arm to help her. "Hell, you're even bigger aren't you?"

Despite the fact that he was more than damp and she had to maneuver her stomach out of the way, Revya gave him a kiss. "Look, this baby isn't going to get any smaller."

"Yeah, but I was only gone a week." He kissed her again, then leaned back to get a better view of her stomach. "Damn, it's so round...like Christophe's bald head." He tapped it. "Hey, how're you doing, little hotpod? Happy Dad's back?"

The baby kicked.

"I think it's taking after me," Gig said, quite pleased. He shrugged off his haversack, which Revya knew would be full of the remains of his hotpod run in Christophe's mansion. He then began to simultaneously disrobe and search in one of his drawers for dry clothes.

"Traveling must've been awful. You're so late." Revya waited until Gig had turned and pulled his tunic over his head before reaching one hand towards the haversack.

"Been raining for days." Gig's voice was muffled. "The roads turned into shit. Damn, where are my black pants?"

The haversack opened quietly. Not looking at it, Revya slid one hand inside. "You have like ten pairs of black pants."

"Yeah, but I can't find the ones I want!" He snapped out a less-satisfactory pair and stepped into them. "Christophe was a pain in the ass. I knew I shouldn't've gone and I was right."

Revya's fingers felt the smooth, succulent curve of an Orviskan hotpod. Watching Gig, making sure his back was still to her, she locked her fingers around it and began to bring her arm close to her body. "He just likes trying to figure you out."

Gig was rummaging for a new tunic. "Trying to figure me out? He's writing a friggin' book about me! He kept asking if I had a traumatic childhood, and when I told him I didn't have a childhood, period, he thought I was repressing it."

Revya brought the hotpod to her mouth, touched her lips to it a moment. Then she parted her lips and silently bit off a small piece, lowering the rest of the fruit to hide in the crook of her arm.

"Anyway, how're you?" Gig thought a moment, then slung on several of the shackles he still insisted on wearing. "I was worried you were going to pop the tyke out while I was gone." He turned. "So-"

Revya gulped - coughed hard - then swallowed forcibly. She blinked and tried to work on a smile. "So...?"

Gig's eyes narrowed. "Being pregnant is not going to save you."

"I love you, Gig."

"Don't even try that, kid. This goes beyond marriage vows."

"I'm going to have your baby, Gig."

"And then I am killing you!" Gig paced while Revya openly took another bite of hotpod. "No. No, I'm going to cut out your tongue. Let's see you enjoy hotpods then."

"Think of it this way: the baby's getting a head start on its hotpod eating career. And we should start it with the best." She took a third bite.

"What am I, your hotpod sugar daddy?"

Revya carefully got up. "I'm really happy you're back."

"I can tell!" Gig snapped as Revya hugged him.

"Where's the hag?" Gig asked as they walked through the caverns. He nodded to the main square, where Virtuous usually strolled in the morning. "Is she taking one of her naps?"

"Don't know. You could ask Dirk."

Gig shrugged and put his arm around her. "Whatever. So, how long do you think it's going to be? Are you feeling any contractions or..." He stared down at her. "Dirk?"

Revya blinked confusedly up at him, then shook her head. "Oh right. He's only been here for five days. It just feels like he's always been here."

"What?" Gig snorted. "Does Virtubitch have a boyfriend?"

"Well...it kinda looks that way."

Gig stopped walking, which made Revya stop too. He looked anxiously down into her face. "Shit, the baby's not screwing with your head, is it?"

"It is pretty weird," Revya admitted.

"You're serious? The - the hag has a-"

"He definitely seems interested in her." Revya put her arm around Gig's waist, prodding him to walk again. "He's a traveling scholar, and he came here because he knew this place has a lot of history. And he took one look at Lady Virtuous and just..."

"-threw up, right? Have you seen those wrinkles? You could shelve books on them."

"And just fell. Hard. And I think Lady Virtuous likes the attention."

Gig stopped again and took Revya by the shoulders, facing her head-on. "You seriously aren't shitting me?"

"Seriously."

"Okay." Then Gig released her, wheeled and stalked down the hall towards Virtuous' chambers.

Revya, not as sprightly as she used to be, didn't catch up until Gig had banged into Virtuous' chambers, KOing the guard. By the time Revya stepped in and sunk into a half-genuflect, Virtuous was staring at Gig with a coolly raised eyebrow and Gig had been going on for half a minute.

"-some nymphomaniacal goddess who's trying to relive her teenagehood - no, screw that, trying to-"

Virtuous pulled her staff out of thin air, waved it, and Gig was knocked back into the far wall. "Good morning, Revya. How are you feeling?"

Revya glanced at the two combatants. "Um..."

"Now, Gig," Virtuous said, her voice taking a stern edge, "I think you're being unreasonable. I really don't understand why you're so upset."

"Then the dementia must've settled in." Gig picked himself off the ground. "Did the fact that you're a freakin' goddess never manifest itself to you? You can't run around playing kissyface with mortals."

Virtuous smiled serenely. "Revya, who's the father of your child?"

"That is totally different!" Gig fired back. "In case you didn't notice in nine years, I'm not a god anymore."

"I see." Virtuous was still smiling. "So if you were still a god, you wouldn't have married Revya."

"Come on, Virtubitch! You're - you're..." He closed and unclosed his hands, as if trying to grab the right word out of the air. "...old."

Now Virtuous' smile slipped, replaced by an impatient sigh. "Why is this such a problem for you?"

"Look, I surrendered my godhood," Gig said. "I'm no longer there to make sure we deities don't end up looking like pushovers. And now you're-"

"I feel tired," Virtuous said benignly, lifting her staff and blasting Gig clear out the door. She turned to Revya. "Do you need anything?"

"No, Lady Virtuous." She executed another fast sorta-bow and hurried out the door.

Gig hadn't come to a halt until he'd hit the first wall, a good fifty feet beyond Virtuous' door. Revya found him groaning and rubbing the back of one shoulder, muttering many things that didn't bear repeating. He shrugged off her attempts to see if he was hurt, and the first coherent thing he said was, "Where is this guy?"

"Gig, is it really-"

"Are you comfortable with all of this?"

Revya hesitated. "It's Lady Virtuous' decision."

"Tell me where he is."

"If you promise not to hurt him."

"No way."

Revya tightened her jaw. "Well, I'm going with you. And you'd better not do anything that would shock me into an early labor."

Gig, muttering something about unfair advantages, got to his feet.

Gig's happy morning of barging in on people continued at a small bedroom on the cavern's second level, where he hesitated, raised his fist, then shook his head and kicked the door open. Revya caught a flurry of movement as she followed Gig inside - several pillows somersaulted through the air, and the blanket was flailing around vigorously. "Okay Dirk or Dork or whatever your name is, drag your lily white ass over here!"

Tentatively, a head poked around the edge of the bed. Revya recognized the flyaway salt-and-pepper hair and the wide blue eyes. "Erm..." said the man, "hello?"

"Hello," Gig said sweetly. He made a walking motion with his first two fingers. "You mind?"

Slowly, a tall, thin man emerged from around the bed, still in his jammies. Shoulders tensed, he took only a step towards Gig, darting Revya anxious looks.

"This is my husband, Gig," Revya said in what she hoped might be a soothing voice. For extra measure, she put her hand on Gig's arm. "He's an old friend of Lady Virtuous and he wants to meet you."

"Good morning," Dirk said. But he didn't come forward to shake hands. One hand went to his side, patted it, then fell limp.

"You do know she's a goddess?" Gig asked.

Dirk blinked. "Um...Well." He laughed shakily. "I admit, she is rather divine. So intelligent. So powerful."

"No, you ass blister, she's a goddess."

Dirk laughed shortly and turned to Revya. "Oh, you told me he was...er...amusing."

"Look." Gig seemed to have regained some measure of composure. He crossed his arms and lifted his chin. "You said it yourself, buddy. She's out of your league. So now's a good time to get out of town before I perform a very painful and irreversible operation on you."

Dirk's heavy black eyebrows moved together in disbelief. "I beg your pardon?"

Face impassive, Revya put a hand to her stomach. "Ouch."

Gig, ready with a comeback, flicked his attention toward her. Revya pointed to her belly button. Gig ground his teeth. "We'll talk later, you imbecilic-"

Revya tugged on his arm.

"-syphilitic-"

Revya hauled back.

"-religious deviant!" Gig wheeled, taking Revya with him, stalked out, and slammed the door.

"Just give me a hand," Revya said. "I'd love it if I didn't have to use you as my all-purpose caddy, but I can't move around too much."

Gig sighed and leaned back against the pillows, stretching one leg across the bed's foot board. Taking a knife from his bedside table, he began to peel one of his hotpods.

"Thanks." Sitting crosslegged on the floor by his side of the bed, Revya reached for a pile of mostly pastel fabrics. "Baby blankets. We have stacks and stacks of blankets." She lifted one. It was pale blue with a border of phynx puppies. "Grunzford made this. Crocheting's really his thing, but he'll knit too. It's small, so it'll be good to start out with." She leaned back and draped the blanket over Gig's leg. The next blanket was woolly orange. "Odie sent this one. See, it has a little hotpod stitched on the corner and the crest of Orviska." She rubbed it against her cheek. "Really soft. But it's also the size of a tablecloth, so we won't need it for awhile."

Swallowing a slice of hotpod, Gig propped his left arm on the bedside table. Revya slung the orange blanket across his bicep, then reached for a yellow gingham blanket. "Euphoria. Her letter said she wanted to embroider the baby's name on it, a boy's on one side, a girl's on the other. But since we haven't chosen, she just did daisies." As she arranged this blanket on Gig's leg, she frowned. "She couldn't believe we're waiting on the name."

"I don't see why." Deprived of the use of his left arm, Gig had discarded his knife and was now sectioning his hotpod with careful slices from his side teeth. "We haven't even met the sprog. How're we supposed to name it?"

Revya frowned thoughtfully again as she unfolded a dark, iridescent blanket from Juno. After shaking it out and hanging it on Gig's arm, she looked up into his face. "You know...I've never really thought about naming anything. I'm an amnesiac, but I never even thought about naming myself. When I woke up in the Village that first morning, Lady Virtuous just asked if I'd like a name." She unfolded a pink, lace-trimmed blanket from Vitali. "And she suggested Revya."

"Cute," Gig said, not referring to the blanket that was added to the group on his arm. "That was the name of Median's son. Doesn't it bother you how she gave you all these clues but never told you?"

Revya shook her head. They'd been over that many, many times. She'd forgiven Virtuous for crafting her life around one mission - containing Gig. What else could she have done? Stayed angry? She studied the next blanket in her lap, running her fingers over the lace edging. "Where'd your name come from?"

Gig finished the last of his hotpod. "What?"

"'Gig'. Why are you called that?"

Gig stared at her blankly.

"Did Drazil name you when you were remade?"

"Like hell. Like I'd go by any name that pusbag chose." He thought a moment, then shrugged. "I'm Gig. What else would I be?"

Revya folded one corner of the blanket, then unfolded it. "I guess so... When Lady Virtuous chose 'Revya' for me, I don't remember thinking that it sounded...wrong. I can't imagine being called anything else."

"Just what the hell is that?" Gig asked, staring at the blanket.

Revya held up the blanket, a mishmash of lime-green felt, blue paisley silk, half a lace trimming, a fringe going down the center and several large, random buttons. "Danette's."

"Great," said Gig. "Let's use it as a vomit rag." There was a knock at the door. Extricating himself from the various baby blankies, Gig swung to his feet and crossed to the front door. Revya went back to sorting until she heard Gig say, "Oh, back for more, pussywuss?" She set down her blanket, blinking over the "pussywuss", then tottered to her feet, using the bed for support.

"Excuse me, I just-"

Revya joined Gig at the door, using her tummy to edge him out of the way (Gig glared, so she braced herself for the argument that would inevitably come). "Hi, Dirk."

Dirk latched onto Revya's wrist. "I needed to see you. Can we, er, go somewhere?"

Of all the things Dirk could've said and done, those were probably the worst.

Gig didn't usually react with violence when people wanted to see his wife alone. He didn't this time. The reason he reacted with violence was because he wanted to, plain and simple.

"Gig," Revya groaned by the time Gig had Dirk in a headlock.

"What?" Gig asked. Then, to Dirk, "Are you comfortable?"

"Release me!" Dirk roared, his voice much louder than Revya had ever heard it before.

Gig tightened his arm. "Mind repeating that?"

"Gig, I'm serious," Revya said, drawing herself up.

Gig glanced at her, then back down at Dirk. "C'mon, this isn't going to cause any contractions. I'll be done in a sec."

"Gig."

Gig looked up again, his eyes narrowed in an odd combination of resentment and blandness. "For some reason, my wife isn't in the mood for healthy mid-morning carnage." He tightened his arm again and drummed his fingers on top of Dirk's head.

"Unhand me at once!" Dirk bellowed, his arms wrapped around himself.

Gig swiftly unlocked his arm, allowing Dirk to plummet to the floor. Revya would've bent to help him up, but her stomach prevented it. Dirk seemed to need no aid, leaping to his feet with surprising agility, reaching one hand up to smooth his hair, the other in his jacket pocket.

"You, um, wanted to see me?" Revya asked.

Dirk shot a look full of unspoken unholy utterings at Gig. "Yes. If you please." Revya followed him down the hall. As she passed Gig, he crossed his arms and leaned back against the door post, watching her from narrowed eyes.

Dirk led her to a storage room. When she raised her eyebrows, he grimaced. "There's hardly any privacy in this cave, and...I'd rather people didn't...butt in." Shrugging, Revya followed him in. He kept the door barely open, allowing a thin strip of light to see by. "See," he said, his voice gradually becoming less gruff, "it's about Lady Virtuous."

Revya nodded, showing he had her attention. Still, he stalled.

"You and Danette seem to know her the best." He trailed off then, tapping his foot.

"As much as anyone knows Lady Virtuous." She thought a moment. "Gig probably knows her best."

"Yes, well," Dirk said, quickly and firmly, "never mind him. I was just wondering -er-" he threw Revya a nervous look "- how I might - I mean - how she might like to - be - proposed to?"

Revya didn't speak her immediate reaction. It was vaguely awestruck and accomplished in four letters. What she actually said was even more efficient: "Oh."

Dirk gestured quickly. "Any ideas?"

Revya couldn't make her brain work. After a moment, she wondered if she wanted to. But she had to say something. "Well...um...you shouldn't be..." She scrabbled for a word that would suffice. "...rude."

Dirk gave her a rather hopeless smile. "Well, yes, I wasn't planning on being rude."

"Um, and - um-" Revya realized she was edging towards the door. "Speak from your heart. I'm sure you'll-" she was halfway out the door now "-figure something out."

When she returned to her rooms, she met Gig heading out, his practice scythe over his shoulder. "I'm off to do some training, since someone wants to stifle my creativity on a daily basis."

Revya disregarded the caustic tone. "You aren't leaving town?"

Gig rolled his eyes, ramping up the sarcasm by several notches. "Yes, angelpuff, I'm running off to the sea palace to start a harem of Nereids. Oh, and I'm taking the hotpods too."

"So you'll be in the sparring ring."

"Because I know you'll need me, butterfly dewdrop. You're always following my advice and letting me take care of things."

Revya grimaced and put her hand on her stomach. The baby had started kicking again - in fact, it felt like it was dancing a very energetic polka. This wasn't the first time, but it was getting more constant. "I really wish you hadn't put him in a headlock."

"Mmhm," Gig said dismissively, walking past her.

"Because he's going to ask Lady Virtuous to marry him," Revya continued, her voice shaking for the swiftest second. "So he could be in a position to make you pay for it."

"Just wait a bit longer, fish girls," Gig called back. "Gig's on his way!"

Revya sighed, then made a beeline for the nearest bathroom. The baby was feeling peppy, all over her bladder.

Talking with Dirk had left her too restless to sit and sort through baby junk, so she went down to Danette's room.

"Hey!" the Sepp said, finishing off a piece of banana bread, much cheerier than she'd been before. "I was just going to find you. Are you ready?"

Revya blinked. "Oh...no, not today."

Danette lifted her chin. "Hey, you can't slack off. You remember what Ben always told us in training. If you're not exercising, you're not healthy."

"At this point, just getting out of bed is plenty of exercise."

Danette flung her arm around Revya's shoulders and turned her around. "C'mon, a walk will make you feel perky. Too bad we can't spar. Nothing picks you up like beating the crap out of someone. I don't know why you're complaining; I feel great."

"Yeah, well you're only five months pregnant."

Danette frowned down at Revya's stomach, chewing her lip.

"What?"

"You cheated."

"What?"

"You got preggers three whole months before I did. How am I supposed to catch up and beat you?" She massaged her tummy. "C'mon, baby, you can do it! Grow!"

By then, they had crossed into the courtyard. The Village's flocks had been shorn this morning and now twenty steaming tubs had been set up. Dozens of villagers were bundling the fleece into sacks, then easing them into the tubs to soak. Lady Virtuous and Dirk strolled around the margins of the operation, followed respectfully by two guards.

With a soft squeal, Danette broke away from Revya. "Hey, Lady Virtuous!"

Revya noticed Dirk grimace as they approached, but Lady Virtuous raised an amused eyebrow to Danette, who'd always been her favorite. "You shouldn't tire yourself out."

"Oh, I'm fine. And I've found an even better way to save energy." Belatedly, Danette remembered to sketch a bow. "You know how you're um-" She glanced hesitantly back at Dirk.

Virtuous also glanced back. "Would you give us a moment, please?"

When Dirk had backed all the way into the center of the fleece-washing business, earning him many frustrated glares, Danette said, "Well, you know how you're the Master of Life?"

"Am I?" Virtuous asked lightly.

"I was just thinking, is there any way you could speed up my pregnancy so my baby's born before hers?"

Virtuous smiled and began waving Dirk back.

"No, really!" Danette persisted. "It's not just for me, you know! I mean, she's gonna need someone to show her how to take care of her baby, so I should be the one to-" She broke off because Dirk was now within earshot, smiling indulgently.

"It's so sweet," he said, giving Virtuous a misty look. "They're almost like your daughters, I suppose. I can see how indispensable you are to them."

Virtuous didn't reply to that, merely nodded to Danette and Revya, then graciously gestured Dirk onwards.

When they were gone, Revya moved to Danette's side. "If we're her daughters, he's going to be our stepfather."

Danette's eyes bulged. "What? You mean - he's proposed?"

"He's going to." Revya studied Danette's face. "Are you bothered?"

"Um." Danette dug the edge of one hoof into the stone ground. "He's nice." Then she looked up and they stared into each other's faces.

"Look, if she's happy," Revya said after a long moment, needing to force it out, "that's the important thing."

"Yeah." Danette nodded, firmly. Then she bit her lower lip. "It's just so weird."

Revya put her arm around Danette's shoulders.

"Oh, girls-!" From far ahead, Dirk had stopped and was calling back to them. "Could you do me a favor?"

"Sure," Revya called.

"I have some books on ancient runes I know Lady Virtuous would love. They're on my dresser. Could you-?"

"No problem." She turned to Danette and shrugged.

"I guess," said Danette.

"But let me go pee first."

Revya wasn't sure if Dirk's room was always this messy or if this was simply the byproduct of this morning's Gig Incident. In any case, there were no books on his dresser, though there were several hair brushes, some hand lotion, and a pink pincushion.

"Here's some junk," Danette said, kicking a stack of books and letters from under the bed. Revya gently lowered herself to the bed and reached for a book: Sonnets of Soul Searching. Frowning faintly - there was something about that title - she opened the book to see if anything related to runes were mentioned.

Of course a letter fell out.

Of course it landed on Revya's lap.

Of course she and Danette looked at each other.

"I bet it's incriminating." Danette said.

"This isn't a play," Revya said decidedly, picking the letter up and slipping it back into the book, with no intention to pry.

It fell out again. Back onto her lap.

"It's a sign!" Danette squealed, lunging for the letter.

"It isn't," Revya fired back, snatching up the letter.

"You want to look at it too! That's why you keep secretly dropping it!"

"I am not secretly dropping it." She shoved it back into the book.

It fluttered back out again, the top flap of the envelope flopped back and a sheet of paper slipped out.

It landed in Revya's lap.

"Ohmygosh, I see Lady Virtuous' name on it!" Danette grabbed her horns.

Revya covered it with her hand, struggling not to look down and see for herself. "So it's a letter to Lady Virtuous. So what?"

"No, no, no, not a letter to Lady Virtuous, a letter about Lady Virtuous!"

"So..." Revya grasped for defenses against the temptation to peek. "Maybe he's writing to his - mom - about her because he wants to...bring her...home for dinner?"

Danette narrowed her eyes and put her hands on her hips. "Give me that letter."

"Look," Revya tried, "let's just-"

"If you wanna fight me for it, okay, but just remember that I'm the one with horns."

Revya sighed and handed the letter over.

"Thanks." Danette smoothed the crackling paper out. "Shoot, I hope there's nothing pervy in this. If he says something pervy about Lady Virtuous, I'm going to fold him tighter than this envelope. Anyway... Dear Lance: Things are going well in Cave-Land. The hag is head over heels. This is easy street. She runs the place, and from what I've seen, there's gotta be some treasure here. Wedding bells are ringing. - Dirk

P.S. Some of the locals may be trouble. They breed fighters here like bunnies. Anyway, I'll be carrying my weapons just in case. Believe me, there are plenty of people I'd like to whack... Trouble is they're all crazy. Well, I'll play nice.

P.P.S. What the hell sorta name is Virtuous anyway?"

Revya jumped up to the read the letter, twice before she really believed it.

"See," Danette said, "snooping's a virtue."

"We have to tell her."

"And snap his neck!"

They were already out the door, but Revya stopped Danette. "Hey, we're pregnant. We can't go around neck-snapping."

Danette frowned uncertainly. "What if we...gently snapped his neck? So we didn't jostle the babies?"

"We can't just rush him either," Revya went on. "He's carrying weapons. And I don't know about you, but I definitely shouldn't be using the onyx blade right now."

"Then what are we going to do? He's almost always around Lady Virtuous. And she definitely won't let us deal with him." Danette frowned. "She likes him too much."

Revya thought a moment, then began leading Danette down the corridor.

The first person they found was Killian, leaning against a wall on the lowest level, rubbing a large bruise on his forehead. "It's okay," he said, even as Danette hurried towards him. "Just getting in with my training. Very helpful. We-" he winced "-fearsome warrior types need to stay primed."

The next person they found was Gadius, dragging his left leg toward the Village infirmary. "Don't worry," he called to them, even though neither had said anything, "just part of my training regimen. No use in making things easy for ourselves, right?"

They knew they were closing in when they found Marlene sitting on the ground, preening her wings with one hand, the other being locked in a sling. "Third strained wrist in a month," she muttered. "You think I'd see it coming. He's only done that move every freaking time."

There were two long-established rules of the Village's training ring: all weapons used within it must be wooden, and when one participant called out defeat, the other must yield. That didn't make things easy or even particularly safe. As they approached the ring, Revya frowned with concern, hoping there wouldn't be much blood.

Grunzford snorted contemptuously, turning his wooden axe over in his hands. "You're getting cocky now. You always do when you're weakening."

"You're getting delusional now," Gig replied. "You always do when you're senile." Running her eyes quickly over him, Revya didn't see much blood, only a couple scratches and some already-dark bruises on his arms. Grunzford's hide was streaked with sweat.

"Gig?" Revya called out. "Can you stop the mayhem for a second?"

Gig didn't even turn his head as he circled to Grunzford's left, looking for an opening the Redflank didn't offer. Revya leaned her elbows on the fence, waiting while Danette sighed impatiently. Flexing his back, Grunzford made a swipe which Gig lightly sidestepped. They circled each other a moment. Gig lunged, but Grunzford dodged by falling back a pace. They squared off, studying each other. Then took to circling.

"Guys," Revya said, "why are you doing this? You're fighting with an axe and a scythe. You can't parry. So whoever lands the first blow is going to be the winner." They were still circling. "Could you please hurry up?"

"Don't interfere, young one," Grunzford replied.

Revya sighed and covered her face with her hand. She was a warrior. She understood the need to see a duel through. But, she couldn't help thinking, if Gig were pregnant and wanting her attention, she'd give up a duel for him.

It wasn't until five minutes more of circling, swiping and dodging had transpired (accentuated by Danette's ever increasing outbursts of impatience) that Gig's scythe managed to hit. Grunzford grunted and lowered his axe in a yield. Gig, breathing harder than he probably wanted people to notice, laughed and straightened. "You know, I feel like steak tonight. Maybe I'll barbecue some burgers."

"Your pride's gotten you into trouble before," Grunzford huffed. "I'd've thought you'd learned that by now."

Gig spun his scythe one-handed, grinning as Grunzford lumbered off. Then he headed towards the far end of the ring.

"Hey." Revya looked up sharply. "Wait."

Gig paused, then turned slowly on his heel to face her. "What, you need something?"

Revya blinked and tried to ignore the tone. "Yeah. We need you actually."

Gig looked at Danette, then her, then said nothing. Revya gestured him closer. With a sigh, he walked to the fence.

Revya leaned toward him. "It's about Dirk." Gig raised an eyebrow. "We need your help with him." And she explained about the letter.

Gig hadn't lowered his eyebrow. "Let me get this straight," he said when she was finished. "An hour ago, you were chewing my head off because I gave Dirk a neck rub. And now you want me to, what...decapitate him? Carve him into cubes for stew? Separate his intestines by length and color?"

"I just thought, seeing as you don't like him very much..."

"Yeah, but maybe it's the principle of the thing."

Revya blinked, hard. "Principles?"

"It seems like my badassery's only acceptable as long as it comes made to order."

"Huh?" said Danette.

Revya shifted her feet, not only because they were aching. "Look, earlier - we didn't know Dirk was a total slime job."

"You didn't know," Gig corrected.

Revya drummed her fingers against her thigh, not wanting to admit that Gig was usually the better judge of character. "You knew Dirk was trying to get with Lady Virtuous so he could find the treasure that's supposedly here?"

"You think there isn't treasure here?" Gig laughed. "This place has more history than you'd ever guess."

The three of them glanced at each other. "The onyx blade was kept here," Revya said after a moment.

"Not to mention my soul," Gig added.

"Crap." Danette's eyes were wide. "I bet Lady Virtuous has a ton of treasure here. Like - heaps." She looked quickly at Revya. "The back caverns! I bet that's where she keeps it."

The baby thwumped against Revya's stomach. She put her hand over it, belatedly noticing that Gig was following her movements. But all she said was, "We're not on a treasure hunt. We're on a..."

"A man hunt," Gig finished, watching her just a moment longer. He leaned the practice scythe against the fence, then vaulted over it to their side.

Danette glared. "Do you have to be so disgustingly limber?"

"The hell?"

Danette stamped her hoof. "I'm just sick of seeing you able to run around and fight when I'm - when I'm-"

Gig took Revya's wrist and began walking. "Hey, it's not my fault you're pregnant."

Danette stalked after him. "You're the only male here. You have to take the fall."

They delayed just long enough for Gig to grab his business scythe before seeking out Virtuous' swain. It was just as well they didn't find him immediately, because they weren't done arguing.

"We need to keep this-"

"Civil?" Gig interrupted. "Kid, you'd better not say 'civil'."

"-out of Lady Virtuous' way," Revya finished. She glanced down a corridor. "I don't want her seeing this."

Gig grinned, showing his teeth. "Heh. If she finds out what that asswipe is up to, there won't be enough left for us to maim."

"I dunno," Danette said from Revya's other side. "I mean, she really seems to like him. I'm worried she'll..." Revya glanced at Danette. "I mean, remember how I was when she died? And you when he died. You just sort of...grind down. You can't think or feel or...and I don't want that to happen to Lady Virtuous."

"We aren't planning to kill him," Revya said.

"That's news to me," Gig mentioned.

"Still, if he just leaves and she knows he betrayed her..." Danette trailed off.

"Wait, are you torn on this? You think letting him marry her and-" Gig broke off, then shook his head as if trying to clear it. "No way can I imagine Virtubitch married."

Revya could've said that Vituous probably would've said the same of Gig, but just then she hared off from the two of them.

"Hey!" Gig called back. "Kid?"

Danette noticed the corridor she'd trotted down. "Bathroom."

They saw Dirk from a great distance, across the expanse of wool-soaking tubs. In addition to the tubs, large wagons had been trundled into the courtyard, bearing the harvest from the Village's orchards, fields and gardens. Beyond a heap of cucumbers and tomatoes, they could see Dirk standing in the cave's entrance, evidently taking some air. "If we want to keep this quiet," Revya said, "we have to lure him away from the crowds."

"How?" Gig asked. "Have the cow belly dance?"

"He doesn't suspect anything, so..." Revya glanced at Gig's scythe, which was long, sharp and certainly couldn't be hidden on Gig's person. "Go wait for us in..." She intensely thought for a moment. It was midmorning. Where would no one be? "Wait for us by the hotsprings."

Gig showed his lovely white teeth in a smile. "Mm, a beheading and a drowning. I approve." And shouldering his scythe, he sauntered through the maze of tubs, flashed Dirk a grin, and strolled out of the cave.

Revya and Danette gave it five minutes before they walked out into the open, still arguing under their breaths about what excuse to feed Dirk. How could they get him out to the hotsprings? In a way that didn't sound ludicrously inappropriate?

While Revya was still explaining how they'd tell Dirk that one of the hotsprings was cooling down, and since everyone else was busy he needed to fix it, Danette evidently came to a quick decision. As they approached Dirk, Danette picked up a tomato from a wagon and threw it at the back of his head with a mighty splat.

Dirk spluttered and whirled around, one hand clenching his hair, which was full of seeds and pulp. Revya looked blank, Danette looked delighted, then quickly arranged her face into exaggerated shock. "Oh no! Did that, um, hit you?"

"I-" Dirk lowered his hand, then jerked it back up to his hair again.

"Er..." said Revya. "Why don't you get washed up? In one of the hotsprings."

"Wh - why did you-!"

Danette looked nervously at Revya. "Um, well, you see..."

Revya sent her brain into overdrive, where it would work quickly but she couldn't guarantee the quality of anything that came out. "Well, we...we thought you knew."

Dirk blinked hard at her, tomato guts slopping down the back of his neck.

"We...it's our...Our Tomato Ritual. You see, the first tomato of every harvest has to be sacrificed in thanks to the gods. And, um, the person who gets hit by the tomato is lucky, because the tomato of luck hit him and...that's good."

"We both got hit by the tomato of luck last year," Danette improvised. "That's why we both got pregnant."

"Tomatoes made you pregnant?" Dirk asked dryly.

Revya considered hitting Dirk with another tomato, a not so lucky one, or maybe a cucumber, which would be harder, but she kept her mind on her mission. "I'm sure you're going to be really lucky."

Dirk curled his lip as he tried to claw tomato pulp out of his hair, but his voice was relatively calm. "So this is a Hidden Village compliment?"

"Because you mean so much to us," Revya replied. "Now, why don't you get cleaned up?" She made a move towards the front of the cave.

"Oh, I'll just have a bath in my room." Dirk started drearily away.

Danette, at only five months, was better at lunging. She clamped her hands around his right wrist. "No - um - the hotsprings are better. The water's nicer. It has all this healthy crap in it." Lady Virtuous had explained that to them once, but neither of them really understood it.

Dirk, however, looked thoughtful. "Yes, I've heard the Village's springs have unique properties. They're said to rejuvenate, and they often cure sicknesses."

"And they clean away tomato goop," Revya added.

"Very well." Dirk shrugged. "I'll go get my towel." And he left them. After five minutes, he seemed to be surprised to see them waiting for him. He fiddled with the fluffy blue towel in his hands. "Well, I'll be seeing you." They waved at him as he walked out.

The baby felt like it turned a somersault, but Revya didn't let that stop her. "Give him fifteen seconds."

They could hear Dirk whistling a melancholy little tune as he walked down the mountain path to the hotsprings. As expected, they met no one else. No one would be able to see them from the guard posts outside the Village. They'd just have to hope his screams didn't echo too much.

Dirk came to the clearing where the three hotsprings bubbled. The path continued past, so there was a small intersection. Straddling this intersection, scythe braced against his shoulder and catching the light, was Gig.

He raised his eyebrows. "Like tomatoes, do you?"

Dirk's back to was to her, but Revya could imagine his grimace. "It's some ritual. Don't you know about it?"

"Oh yeah," Gig said easily. "The 'pelt the S.O.B. with fruit before you eviscerate him at the hotsprings' ceremony."

Revya couldn't imagine Dirk's face, but he reached his hand up to touch his jacket, then took a step back.

"I wouldn't retreat if I were you," Danette declared, hands on hips.

Dirk spun around, dropping his towel. "Whuh - wait!" He whirled back on Gig. "Are you - you can't be serious -"

Gig spun his scythe two-handed over his head, his movements fluid. "You have to watch out for us rural, out of the way communities. When we're not marrying our relatives, we're sacrificing outsiders to bizarre primitive deities."

"You're - you're-"

"We're cannibals too. See, we always hit our victims with fruit because that improves their flavor. Myself, I would've opted for hotpods, but maybe the girls thought you didn't deserve them."

"This is about Lady Virtuous," Revya said, stepping forward. Gig raised his eyebrow. She thought he was annoyed at being interrupted, but he made a half-circle around Dirk, stepping between her and their victim. Dirk, for his part, kept turning to face Gig. He was reaching under his coat, his eyes narrowing. Revya sighed impatiently. "We aren't going to eat you. We aren't going to kill you."

"Maybe," Gig interjected.

"But we are going to turn you inside out if you don't get out of here!" Danette bawled. "I never want to see you again!"

Dirk had squared himself. "What is this about?"

"We saw your letter," Revya said, working to keep control of her voice. Meanwhile, the baby was playing hopscotch. "About betraying Lady Virtuous and stealing our treasure."

"I..." Dirk swallowed, his eyes tracking Gig's scythe as the ex-god tapped it on the ground. "...was speaking metaphorically."

"Heard enough?" Gig asked Revya.

"Yeah, I guess," Revya answered, frowning from a slow ache in her abdomen. "Have fun."

"No, I'm not done," Danette said. Standing up straight, she spoke very loudly and very clearly. "You are a smarmy, twitchy, disgusting blob of spit, and I hope you die a slow agonized death of leprosy, tuberculosis and being chewed to unrecognizable chunks by wild dingoes!"

Gig cleared his throat. "May I?"

Danette huffed and glared. "I guess."

"Okay." Gig levered the scythe up in both hands.

Dirk bared his teeth, his shoulders hunched. "Aren't you going to say anything?"

Gig shrugged. "Fear my pwnful wrath or something like that." He slung the scythe back.

Dirk whipped something out of his coat. Revya heard a blast - felt the sound itself in her chest - then heard something sheer between her and Danette. She and the Sepp dropped to the ground, she on her side, trying to watch for any danger. Pain surged through her again, though it wasn't a bullet.

Dirk screamed, his pistol cartwheeled into the air, then - then there was a thin fountain of blood, a perfect arc, Dirk's hand hitting the ground. Gig's scythe swung up, glistening red, catching the brilliant flare of light from - from -

A healing spell descended over the fighters, roaring in Revya's ears. When it lifted, Dirk had dropped to his knees, clutching the bloodless stump of his wrist. Gig's strike had gone wide, the scythe's blade biting into the road.

"Explain yourselves," Virtuous demanded from further up the path, her green eyes hard. "All of you."

"He-" Danette gasped, her arms trembling as she hoisted herself up. "He was trying to betray you-"

"He friggin' shot at them!" Gig shouted.

"We didn't mean to go this far." Revya raised herself, but had to sit down again as a sudden tightening within overwhelmed her a moment.

Virtuous narrowed her eyes and gazed at Dirk. "You shot at unarmed onlookers? Pregnant women?"

"And tried to betray you!" Danette broke in. "He wanted the treasure-"

"Quiet, Danette," Virtuous clipped. "I already knew that."

Gig grabbed the back of Dirk's hair and wrenched his head back. Or tried to. A badly-used toupee slipped easily off his black hair.

Gig tossed the toupee to the side with the barest interest, grabbed the back of Dirk's hair, and wrenched his head back. He hooked his scythe blade around his neck, then looked pointedly over at Virtuous.

Virtuous tightened her lips, hesitated - then shook her head.

Gig narrowed his eyes, then used the scythe to hook Dirk's arm, the undamaged one, raising it so Virtuous could see it clearly. He tipped his head to the side, waiting, but his expression didn't promise much obedience.

Virtuous regarded her ex-suitor, then began to incline her head.

"I don't mean to be pushy," Revya whispered, grimacing, "but my water just broke."

Gig, having raised his scythe to perform amateur surgery, did the quickest thing he could: clubbed Dirk in the back of his head. By the time he reached Revya's side, Virtuous was helping her sit up.

"We need to get her back to the Village!" Danette was yapping. "And we need hot water and-"

"Will you shut up, you ass-backwards bovine, the kid can't walk, she's pushing out a friggin'-"

"If you all give me some room, I think I can make it up to the-"

"Maybe you could, but the road's steep in places. I'd rather you stay here."

"Stay here? You demented hag, she can't pop our baby out on the-"

"Oh my gosh, that fall didn't hurt you! No, my best friend's going to die and-"

"I really think I can make it back to the-"

"I'll stay with you, Revya. Gig, go run for Nei. She knows what she'll need to bring."

"Like hell I'm leaving the kid! You run for help, she needs me."

Virtuous stood and poked Gig in the middle of the chest. "As the Master of Life, I have the slimmest suspicion I'll be more useful here. Now stop shooting your mouth off and get Nei."

Gig looked at Virtuous, then Revya, then, with some exceptional parting statements, set off at a run.

Dirk groaned softly, though from hunger or headache, Gig neither knew nor cared. He, for his part, leaned back against a boulder, idly shredding a hotpod with his thumbnail while watching the cluster of women further up the path.

"How long has this been going on?" Dirk asked, wriggling around in the ropes Gig had bound him in around lunch.

Gig glanced up at the sky. "Hour towards sunset." Revya gave a sharp cry, and he tensed. He could hear Virtuous and Nei saying something soothing.

"I promise I won't run away," Dirk said.

"Here's a deal," Gig said, not taking his eyes off the group. "I'll untie you. And I'll cut off your feet to make sure you stay put."

Dirk glanced at his right arm, which was still attached to his body.

"Don't get hopeful," Gig said. "I only held off because Lady Virtuous doesn't want any more of your blood lying around. It might contaminate the baby."

"Glad to be of service," Dirk said faintly. "You must realize, I wasn't aiming at them. Only-"

"-only threatening me by aiming at them. Right."

"I wasn't going to hit either of them," Dirk persisted. Gig didn't bother with a reply, wishing Dirk would just pass out again. Dirk, however, seemed to want to play nice. "When I was awake last time," he said after a moment, "your wife was walking around. That was only a few hours ago, right?"

"Yeah," Gig said shortly, tension creeping into his voice. He bit off half the hotpod and worked it through his teeth, not really tasting it.

Dirk wriggled around, perhaps looking for a more comfortable position. "And the time before that, that big crowd was here. You were shouting at them."

"You'd think they hadn't heard of someone having a baby before," Gig muttered. "Damn gawkers."

"This your first baby?" Gig nodded. "I have six."

That drew Gig's attention away from his wife. "You really get around, don't you?"

Dirk shrugged. "I'm tired of it. I thought settling down with a rich old crone wouldn't be so bad." He glowered. "Who knew she ran a village full of psychotic barbarians?"

"What can I say? They were raised in a cave." Gig finished his hotpod. "So, while you were out, I had a talk with the hag."

Dirk's eyes widened.

"Sadly, she did not reconsider your death sentence. She wanted me to let you know she was on to your scheme."

Dirk frowned. "She didn't mind?"

"Of course she minded." Gig picked up another pod, glanced at the bundle of women for any new signs, then began to peel the fruit. "She was going to wait until you proposed, then refuse you in front of the entire Village, then let us escort you out of town." He made a long cut. "The children would've mocked you." Another cut. "She would've encouraged it. You sort of hashed the public exposition, but I'm pretty sure we'll still take care of you."

Revya didn't see her room again until late that night, after Ben and Van had carried her back into the Village on a makeshift litter. Even then, everyone kept crowding through the room, exclaiming over the baby, asking how she was. When she fell asleep, Danette was talking about baby names, how the two of them should give their babies names that rhymed...

She had only a short reprieve before she awoke to her daughter's cries. Not entirely awake, Revya sat slightly up and positioned the baby so she could nurse. The room was mostly empty, though someone had left a kerosene lamp, turned low. By the dim light, she could see Danette curled up in a chair next to the bed, her mouth open, her ears twitching. One leg kicked out as she dreamed. On Revya's other side, Gig lay half on the bad, half on a stool, face in his folded arms, looking absolutely tanked. She reached her free hand out and touched his hair.

Gig flinched, then rolled onto his side, blinking blankly at her. Then he shook himself and sat up, leaning over to examine the blue-eyed baby. "Needy little sprog, isn't she?"

"You were just as bad," Revya whispered, glancing at Danette's sleeping form. "Always demanding hotpods."

Gig kissed the baby's head, then stood and stretched, working the muscles in his back. "We should name her Hotpod."

"We are not naming her Hotpod," Revya said with all the firmness she could muster.

"Why not? It was our first thing in common. It's our deep spiritual bond."

"We are not," Revya repeated, weariness already causing her eyelids to flutter, "naming her Hotpod."

Gig smiled. "We'll discuss it in the morning."