Author's Note: OMG, I live! So basically, college is kicking my behind this year, and I've been so busy I haven't gotten the chance to write anything. I put some time aside tonight, though, because I needed the relaxation time. XD I wrote this with the idea that Jason never told Peter that he loved him…I dunno, it's kind of how I figure it anyway. Anyway, to make this note a little longer, let me just say that I've really never written Jason's POV before, so I'm not sure it's too great, but it was pretty interesting to write…Anyway, this takes place like…right after "Touch My Soul". And so ends the longest author's note I've ever written.

Disclaimer: NOT MINE. Duh.

I can't believe what I've done.

I can't believe that I've smashed everything apart…starting with his heart.

The second Ivy began telling me how she felt about me I realized it. I realized what was going on in my head, in my heart, in my life. And it was going all wrong. I know it's love, she had said to me. And it all clicked…if that is truly what love is, then the pain I've been feeling since before spring break when I broke his heart is my own broken heart.

It's like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. As much as I want to tell him how wrong I was, how much I love him; as much as I want to hold him in my arms again, and kiss him, I can't. It's not in my nature to admit how badly I messed up. And I can't risk the possibility of him rejecting me, of him telling me that he's done, that it's over…

And it wouldn't be appropriate to just take him in my arms and tell him how much I love him.

Because it's all over. I've ruined everything with a few simple words. If only I had figured it out earlier, if only I could have said that to him, instead of the hurtful words.

Instead of ending everything we'd worked so hard to find.

Ivy stared at me…she apologized, try to take back her words…but she didn't really realize the effect they had on me. Her taking back her words didn't work, just as it wouldn't if I tried with him. And the hurt I felt…I'm sure she misinterpreted the look on my face. Because it wasn't fear, or trying to hurt her, it was the shock of suddenly knowing. Knowing what had been going on in my world. Knowing that losing him was losing myself in the process.

The words that came out of my mouth…I don't want to love Ivy, my perfect world does not consist of me being with Ivy. My perfect world is with him, holding his hand in the hallways, taking him out to fancy restaurants…and I wish I could shout it, shout how much I love him…

Every time I think his name, I feel that pang of hurt again. I try to avoid it, I just think of him as him. It makes it easier to avoid his name. I look down when I see him in the hallways, in class…because every time I see his face, I can see the pain in his eyes, the dullness that's replaced the twinkle that was always there. He doesn't laugh anymore. Oh God, I miss his laugh so much.

But all I can see is the hurt look on his face when I told him it was over.

I'm not sure why that's the main image imprinted in my memory. I have so many others there, happy ones, sexy ones, perfect ones…but all I can see is that look of loss, the hurt…and it kills me that I was the one to cause it. Me, who promised to always be his protector, me, who would hold him at night as he cried about anything and everything.

Me. Who promised to him that we'd be together forever.

But I destroyed that. And I destroyed any hope I had that we'd ever be together again.

Because I see him in the hallways and he avoids me.

Because I can't say or think his name.

Because I couldn't say it.

I love you, Peter.