A/N: This is a spoof of The Beatles' "Maxwell's Silver Hammer." I've posted this before, but soon deleted it and have since revised it. This is the first in what will hopefully become a series of Beatles inspired Haunted Mansion spoofs that serve as a tour of the eerie Gracey estate.
Across the Mansion: Connie's Silver Hatchet
Salutations, curious mortals! This is your host… Your ghost host. Hmm, but let's not talk about me for a second. Let me share with you a tale of terror about our bewitching--Or is that beheading?—bride.
Once upon a time, there was a young woman named Constance… Wait, no. That's a frightfully dull way to tell a story, isn't it? Perhaps I should let the mellow tones of the Phantom Five regale you with the legend of the Black Widow Bride. They've been so very eager to…bust… out in song for you.
Knock 'em dead boys!
Ambrose was studious;
everybody knew he was,
Reading all the time.
This groom was a shy and wealthy lad...
...ad-ad-ad--ad...
.
Constance Hatchaway, the night after their wedding day,
Plants a kiss upon his nose.
"Can you pluck me a pretty rose,
Am-am-am-brose?"
.
But as he's searching through the garden,
She spies the handyman's axe...
.
SWISH! SWISH!
Connie's silver hatchet sliced down under his chin.
Do, do, do, do, do!
SWISH! SWISH!
Connie's silver hatchet made sure she did him in!
.
Starting a new life again, Connie plays the wife again,
Franklin's the new beau.
.
Wishing to get the honeymoon
Underway...ay-ay-ay,
She tells Frank to stay when the guests have gone away,
So he waits behind
Grumbling fifty times, "I'm ready to go!
Oh, oh, oh!"
.
But when he turns to find his new bride,
She creeps up from behind.
.
SWISH! SWISH!
Connie's silver hatchet sliced down under his chin.
Do, do, do, do!
SWISH! SWISH!
Connie's silver hatchet made sure she did him in!
.
Hardly thirty-one, Connie's still a flirty one.
Marquis' number three.
Sweetly, they pose for wedding pictures.
Oh, oh, oh, oh...
.
His and Reginald's money's added to her hoard.
Connie feeds her greed.
(Constance feeds her greed!)
Then George gets on one knee and proposes,
To that ho! Ho, ho, ho!
.
But as a kiss is fresh on his lips,
A noise comes from behind...
SWISH! SWISH!
Connie's silver hatchet sliced down under his chin.
Do, do, do, do!
SWISH! SWISH!
Connie's silver hatchet made sure she did him in!