Tipanic
Collide with Stupidity Nothing on Earth Could Comprehend Them
NOTE: this is written in screenplay format. It's pretty easy to understand. Just so you know INT means interior and EXT means exterior.
INT. WALTER'S LIVING ROOM-AFTERNOON
Walter, a man in his early thirties, sits in an armchair, wearing a suit and tie. He is a very fastidious, straight-laced type of person.
He is in the middle of a conversation with his boss, MR. FUGEHDABOOTIT, on a speaker phone.
MR. FUGEHDABOOTIT
Walter, have you found someone willing to go in the time machine yet?
WALTER
No, sir, I'm afraid not.
FUGEHDABOOTIT
This is getting ridiculous. I spent millions of my own dollars in order to have this time machine built, but it can't even get put into use because no one is willing to back in time on it.
WALTER
Well, I'm sorry to inform you, Mr. Fugehdabootit, but not a lot of people are willing to back in time on the Tipanic.
FUGEHDABOOTIT
Enough with your pathetic excuses, Walter! You'll just have to find someone really stupid who doesn't realize or doesn't care about the dangers of traveling on the Tipanic.
WALTER
With all due respect, sir, why can't you just find some other historic event from the past to go back in time to?
FUGEHDABOOTIT
Because I happen to be fascinated with the Tipanic. Of course, I'm not reckless enough to go back to it myself, so you need to find someone and fast, or you're fired…again! Oh, and one more thing, under no circumstances can you reveal the top secret location of my corporation, which is located at 2834 East Pamalamadingdong Street. If word got around about what we were doing, the government would shut us down.
Unfortunately, it is revealed that Walter is not alone in his living room. A bunch of Walter's friends are in the room, and they have all heard where the t corporation is located. They all freeze from what they were doing. One person whips out a NOTEBOOK and pen and proceeds to write down the address.
WALTER
Uh, of course, Mr. Fugehdabootit. I'll make sure to tell no one the top secret location.
FUGEHDABOOTIT
Good, and don't call me again until you've find someone.
He hangs up.
Walter turns to address his friends.
WALTER
All right, guys, I think you'd better leave. I've got work to do.
His friends say their good-byes and leave.
Walter slumps in his chair, looking distressed.
WALTER(CONT'D)
Who could be that stupid?!
CUT TO:
INT. CONVENIENT STORE-DAY
Two employees are working the checkout counter. One of them, BLACK AWESOME, is a loquacious and easy going black man in his early twenties. The other, STAN, is an awkward white guy around the same age.
A nervous looking TEENGE BOY walks into the store. He walks up to Black.
TEENAGE BOY
Do you guys sell condoms here?
BLACK
I'm sorry, man. I didn't quite hear you.
TEENAGE BOY
(strained)
Condoms. Do you sell condoms?
BLACK
Do we sell what?
TEENAGE BOY
Condoms!!
BLACK
Oh, condoms! No, we don't sell any condoms here! But I think the store down the street sells condoms! Lots of condoms!!
The boy leaves in humiliation as the other customers snigger at him.
Black starts laughing hysterically.
BLACK
Man, I love doin' that!
STAN
That was straight-up gangsta brotha!
BLACK
Don't say that again.
STAN
Right, of course. We're still cool though, right?
BLACK
Stan, we ain't neva been cool.
Black glances at his watch.
BLACK(CONT'D)
I'm gonna go. It's my break. I'll see you in ten.
Black walks out of the store right as Walter walks in.
EXT. CONVENIENT STORE PARKING LOT-DAY
Black walks over to his car in the parking lot. He opens the passenger door then opens the glove compartment and pulls out a gun and a ski mask. He shuts the door then pulls the ski mask over his head.
He makes his way back to the store, gun in hand.
INT. CONVENIENT STORE
Black points his gun at Stan
BLACK
Give me all your money!
STAN
Please don't shoot me.
Stan gives Black a weird look.
STAN(CONT'D)
Black?
BLACK
Yes? I mean, who's Black?
STAN
Black, what are you-what's going on?
BLACK
I'm not Black! Now give me all your money!
STAN
You know, before you rob the store that you work at, you might wanna remove your name tag.
Black looks down at his NAME TAG.
BLACK
I knew I was forgetting somethin'! Can I still have all the money?
STAN
I think I'm supposed to call the cops.
Walter walks up to Black and puts a hand on his shoulder.
WALTER
That won't be necessary. I'm a cop. I'll deal with him.
STAN
All right. See ya later, Black!
Walter drags Black away.
EXT. CONVENIENT STORE PARKING LOT
BLACK
Hey wait! Somethin' about this ain't right. I've been arrested before and this ain't how it's done!
WALTER
Shut up.
Walter takes Black to his van and shoves him in the back. He closes the door behind them.
BLACK
Aren't I supposed to be in handcuffs?
WALTER
I left my handcuffs at my girlfriend's place. Anyways, let me get to the point. Do you have any idea how stupid you are?
Black stares at Walter blankly for awhile.
BLACK
Could you repeat the question?
WALTER
Never mind. Look, I'm willing to make a deal with you. You don't have to go to jail if you participate in a time travel experiment.
Black begins to pick at his arm pit. After he's done picking he licks his fingers.
WALTER(CONT'D)
Have you ever heard of the Tipanic?
BLACK
Ain't that a porno?
WALTER
Not quite. It's the greatest ship ever made by the hand of man. It set sail April 10, 1912 and sank April 15, 1912, killing over half the passengers aboard, and I'm going to let you be on it!
BLACK
But I thought you just said it sank in 1912.
WALTER
I know, but I have a time machine that will take you there. So what do you say? It's either Tipanic or prison.
BLACK
Couldn't I die if I went on this Tipanty thing?
WALTER
I'll make sure to transport you back to the present before that happens, so do we have a deal then?
BLACK
Sure, whatever.
WALTER
Splendid! Now, when you get there all you have to do is write down what you see and hear on the trip. That includes people, places, and-
BLACK
Phone numbers?
WALTER
No. Just write down what happens. My boss wants to know what it was really like on the Tipanic, not just what the history books tell you. Can you do that?
BLACK
Of course, but I should tell you I don't know how to write.
Walter stares at Black in shock.
BLACK9CONT'D)
Chill, man. I'm just messin' wit cha!
WALTER
Thank goodness. And the name's Walter, not man.
BLACK
I'm Black Awesome.
WALTER
So, Black, are you ready to go back to Tipanic?
BALCK
What's the Tipanic?
Walter stares at Black incredulously.
BLACK(CONT'D)
I'm just messin' wit cha!
WALTER
Indeed. I'll drive us to the time travel lab then.
EXT. TOP SECRET LAB-AFTERNOON
Walter parks the van in front of the abandoned but well-kept LAB.
Black and Walter exit the van and make their way inside.
INT. TOP SECRET LAB
The LAB is a spacious room with a computer in one corner and a large portal, the TIME MACHINE, in the other.
Walter walks over to the computer and starts typing information.
Black points to the time machine.
BLACK
Is that it?
WALTER
It sure is.
BLACK
It's kinda lame.
WALTER
What? Let me guess, you were expecting a Delorean?
BLACK
Of course…so you made this?
WALTER
No. my boss, Mr. Fugehdabootit did.
BLACK
Why ain't he here?
WALTER
He prefers to stay anonymous.
BLACK
Then you probably shouldn't have told me his name.
WALTER
Fugehdabootit's a common enough name. We shouldn't have any problems.
Walter picks up a leather bound folder and hands it to Black.
WALTER(CONT'D)
Here. Inside is enough paper for you to write down your experiences. I've entered the information into the computer, so you'll be staying in room G-60. That's where you'll be when I transport you. Let's make our way over to the time machine, shall we?
They walk over to the time machine. Black stands under the portal.
On the time machine is KEY PAD. Walter types in: April 10, 1912.
WALTER
Well, it's all set so now all I need to do is press the "GO" button.
BLACK
Wait. This ain't gonna hurt, is it?
Walter shakes his head an emphatic "no".
WALTER
Probably.
Walter presses the GO button. Surges of electricity can be seen and a low HUM can be heard. Then, in the blink of an eye Black is gone.