The View of the 2nd Bassoon
Most of you probably don't know I exist, those of you who do probably forget about me until I whack you with my instrument (totally on accident of coarse…), but I sit there, playing my sustained whole notes and through my boredom I notice A LOT about the band, more than you would realize.
1. Blonde and Flute are synonymous
2. The trumpets are the most annoying section in the band, next to the Trombones
3. The only time your part can be heard you WILL screw up.
4. The Baritone/Euphonium guys are not funny, witty or cool. They are annoying, stupid and weird.
5. When the Oboist has a broken reed or a cold everyday, it stops being a good excuse and just starts being dumb.
6. The first Bassoon hates you, and constantly lets you know she's better than you, well she is, but you still protest it (Not you Jessie!! Last years first bassoon!!!!)
7. 2nd Flutes fear you, and they very well should, they get whacked with your instrument daily.
8. You really have fun messing with people by accusing them of denting your bocal. (You know that weird curvy metal part on the Bassoon)
9. The Flute is an extremely high pitched , squeaky and annoying instrument.
10. Low woodwinds have the most fun.
11. Clarinets screw up, a lot.
12. When the guys fight in the large instrument locker room it doesn't look cool or tough. It looks like a strange sadomasochistic, homosexual mating ritual. A.K.A. The Dumb-ass mating season.
13. Being a Bass Clarinet's bitch is a blessing and a curse.
14. The second Bassoon, by default is given the worst possible instrument (more so this year than last year)
15. Dry weather = Constant reed breakage = Need for horrible sounding plastic reeds.
16. All flutes where tricked in to joining band by the school telling them they where signing up for "Make-up Application and Lip-Gloss Sharing Hour".
17. The band director gets uglier and uglier by the minute.
18. You can't do your math homework in band, even if you have a broken finger and can't play, you still can't do your math homework in band.
19. Getting hit in the head with a Trombone slide hurts, a lot.
20. Percussionists are all slackers.
21. Steven (the 3rd Clarinet guy) needs to be removed from society, quickly.
22. Having thick curly hair means it will get stuck in your, and other's instruments (As well as your watch, which mine just did.)
23. Both the Bassoons with break right before the Worlds of Fun contest.
24. The Alto Saxes do not know their parts.
25. Putting a opened condom in one of the practice rooms is not funny. It is gross.
26. Hiding one of the Tubas and not returning it until the director threatens to file a police report however, is.
27. Getting a stand and chair every day is the closest experience to war available in the public school system.
28. The best way to overcome this is to steal from unsuspecting Flutes and French Horns, or the 1st Bassoon.
29. Band couples will make-out ANYWHERE :::coughJoshandLindycough:::
30. When the (male) band director threatens to make guys room with him he is a pervert and needs to be removed from society.
31. Getting a fake tattoo at Worlds of Fun the day before the contest will cause your director to flip, especially if you wear a tank top to the performance.
32. Instruments make good weapons.
33. The band director doesn't realize that you actually have a class after band, a class that is MUCH more important than band.
34. People who think they are Alto Clarinet players should be avoided like the pneumonic plague (Pneumonic plague was a really nasty VERY contagious form of plague that was prevalent during the Black Death in medieval times.)
35. Instrument size is directly proportional to size of brain. (Woodwinds only, excluding Bari Sax.)
36. Composers seem to forget number 35
37. Sadly there is no pattern for Brass players. Their intelligence goes as such. 1. French Horns 2. Lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ong pause 3. Trumpets 4. Tubas 5. Lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oo-o-o-o-o-ong pause 6. Baritone/ Euphoniums 7. Trombones 38. Fantasia 2 was created completely under the influence of hallucinogens
39. They probably stole the stuff left over from when my director made us play Cartoon Carnival
40. Breaking your finger right before finals week means you don't have to do your playing final, it also means the 1st Bassoon starts hating you more.
Most of you probably don't know I exist, those of you who do probably forget about me until I whack you with my instrument (totally on accident of coarse…), but I sit there, playing my sustained whole notes and through my boredom I notice A LOT about the band, more than you would realize.
1. Blonde and Flute are synonymous
2. The trumpets are the most annoying section in the band, next to the Trombones
3. The only time your part can be heard you WILL screw up.
4. The Baritone/Euphonium guys are not funny, witty or cool. They are annoying, stupid and weird.
5. When the Oboist has a broken reed or a cold everyday, it stops being a good excuse and just starts being dumb.
6. The first Bassoon hates you, and constantly lets you know she's better than you, well she is, but you still protest it (Not you Jessie!! Last years first bassoon!!!!)
7. 2nd Flutes fear you, and they very well should, they get whacked with your instrument daily.
8. You really have fun messing with people by accusing them of denting your bocal. (You know that weird curvy metal part on the Bassoon)
9. The Flute is an extremely high pitched , squeaky and annoying instrument.
10. Low woodwinds have the most fun.
11. Clarinets screw up, a lot.
12. When the guys fight in the large instrument locker room it doesn't look cool or tough. It looks like a strange sadomasochistic, homosexual mating ritual. A.K.A. The Dumb-ass mating season.
13. Being a Bass Clarinet's bitch is a blessing and a curse.
14. The second Bassoon, by default is given the worst possible instrument (more so this year than last year)
15. Dry weather = Constant reed breakage = Need for horrible sounding plastic reeds.
16. All flutes where tricked in to joining band by the school telling them they where signing up for "Make-up Application and Lip-Gloss Sharing Hour".
17. The band director gets uglier and uglier by the minute.
18. You can't do your math homework in band, even if you have a broken finger and can't play, you still can't do your math homework in band.
19. Getting hit in the head with a Trombone slide hurts, a lot.
20. Percussionists are all slackers.
21. Steven (the 3rd Clarinet guy) needs to be removed from society, quickly.
22. Having thick curly hair means it will get stuck in your, and other's instruments (As well as your watch, which mine just did.)
23. Both the Bassoons with break right before the Worlds of Fun contest.
24. The Alto Saxes do not know their parts.
25. Putting a opened condom in one of the practice rooms is not funny. It is gross.
26. Hiding one of the Tubas and not returning it until the director threatens to file a police report however, is.
27. Getting a stand and chair every day is the closest experience to war available in the public school system.
28. The best way to overcome this is to steal from unsuspecting Flutes and French Horns, or the 1st Bassoon.
29. Band couples will make-out ANYWHERE :::coughJoshandLindycough:::
30. When the (male) band director threatens to make guys room with him he is a pervert and needs to be removed from society.
31. Getting a fake tattoo at Worlds of Fun the day before the contest will cause your director to flip, especially if you wear a tank top to the performance.
32. Instruments make good weapons.
33. The band director doesn't realize that you actually have a class after band, a class that is MUCH more important than band.
34. People who think they are Alto Clarinet players should be avoided like the pneumonic plague (Pneumonic plague was a really nasty VERY contagious form of plague that was prevalent during the Black Death in medieval times.)
35. Instrument size is directly proportional to size of brain. (Woodwinds only, excluding Bari Sax.)
36. Composers seem to forget number 35
37. Sadly there is no pattern for Brass players. Their intelligence goes as such. 1. French Horns 2. Lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ong pause 3. Trumpets 4. Tubas 5. Lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-oo-o-o-o-o-ong pause 6. Baritone/ Euphoniums 7. Trombones 38. Fantasia 2 was created completely under the influence of hallucinogens
39. They probably stole the stuff left over from when my director made us play Cartoon Carnival
40. Breaking your finger right before finals week means you don't have to do your playing final, it also means the 1st Bassoon starts hating you more.