Aunt Sweeney Chapter 1: Ella's problem.
Have YOU got a problem? If so, just let Sweeney Todd, the world's best agony aunt and his friends (and enemies) solve it!
Dear Aunt Sweeney and Co,
A boy at my school keeps threatening to beat me up. Even worse, my parents found out and now they're going to tell my school what's going on! If they tell, everyone will think I'm a total snitch! How can I stop the boy from picking on me, and keep my parents away from the school?
From Ella, aged 14.
Sweeney's reply: Ella, this boy has done you wrong! How can you sit back and let him threaten you? If I were you, I'd just find a weapon that feels comfortable to you and find out where he lives! Then… the possibilities are endless! Have fun planning, but NEVER hesitate if you have an opportunity. If you do, you'll probably regret it. As for your parents, if the boy's dead, they can't complain, can they?
Mrs Lovett's reply: Deary, this is a story I've heard before and one that probably affects dozens of our teenage readers. My advice is to ignore the lad. If you kill him, they're sure to suspect you if you hold a grudge against him. He'll probably soon get bored, and anyways, people can change (some more than others, eh, Benny?)
Anthony's reply: Be nice to him! Get him a present! No one can be mean to someone who's just given them a nice gift. And if your parents see you giving him a pretty present, they'll think he's your friend, won't they? He'll totally like you if you give him stuff!
Johanna's reply: Let your parents sort him out! Loving parents are a blessing; you don't know how lucky you are.
Judge Turpin's reply: Ignore the boy. He hasn't done anything wrong, has he? Your parents, however… accusing an innocent boy of hurting you? Unacceptable! They'll hang for this, I'm sure!
(Ella: 0.0)
Beadle Bamford's reply: Gawd, why are you asking me? I don't know anything! What is a beadle, anyway? Is it like a beetle?
Lucy's reply: I don't know! I'm hungry! I want to eat wallpaper! And marmite!
Pirelli's reply: How on earth am I supposed to know? I'm dead, remember!
(Mrs L: So am I!
Mr T: And me!
Ben B: It sucks, doesn't it? I should know, I've been dead for years!
Judge T: Lets all have revenge on Sweeney Todd!
Mr T: Why are you all looking at me like that? Revenge doesn't solve anything! You'll just end up murdered by a kid with your own razor!
Beadle B: Really?
Ben B: Shut up! I never liked you! Let me rest in peace!
Mr T: Hey, look what I found in my pocket! Pulls out razor
Everyone: OH SHIT!)
Toby's reply: Hmm… tricky problem… I'd advise you to kill him. I worked for me! I lived looks smug
Ella's feedback: The sanest person here is Lucy.
Do YOU want a problem solved by Sweeney Todd and his loyal team of Aunts? If so, just hit the little blue button that says 'Go' next to the one that says 'Submit Review' and leave a letter! The Agony Aunts will reply as soon as possible (unless you're boring)!