FIRE AND ICE

Darkstripe: Hey, everyone! I'm Darkstripe. You may be thinking, hey, this isn't how the prologue is supposed to go. It's supposed to be WindClan trying to find a place to live after Brokenstar drove them out! On the contrary, I'm here instead! Rainpelt thought that part was too boring. So, where should we start? Oh, I'm back from my long, expensive journey of enlightenment to the medieval times, where there were knights, kings, and noble steeds. Unfortunately, those knights were smarter than I thought and they cut me to pieces with their swords. Wonder how I'm still alive? StarClan decided since I ACCIDENTALLY stepped into a time machine, they would heal all my wounds. Aren't they full of love? Then I went to about 13 moons into the future, where I saw Raincloud CENSORED; TOO EMBARRASSING
Raincloud: Just for that, I'm kicking you out of the story. (Kicks Darkstripe)
Darkstripe: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Barkface: (Looks at Darkstripe soaring across the night sky) look! A shooting star! Make a wish, Tallstar.
Tallstar: I wish I could win a trip to Busch Gardens.
Darkstripe: (Lands in Australia) Someday, I should just learn to shut up.

DAWN
ThunderClan: Zzz . . . zzz . . .
Rouges: (Enter camp confused)
Rouge: (Breaks a twig)
ThunderClan: AAAH!
Rouges: AAAH!
ThunderClan: AAAH!
Rouges: AAAH!
ThunderClan: AAAH!
Rouge: AAAH! (Run away)
Graystripe: What was the point of all that?
Fireheart: I don't really know.
Sandpaw: Oh, look! I'm the great warrior Fireheart! (Does stupid dance)
Fireheart: How RUDE!
Graystripe: I hope Whitestorm has her chasing orange squirrels all day.
Raincloud: CUT! Graystripe, you're supposed to say BLUE squirrels! Also, squirrels can actually be orange so it's not funny.
Graystripe: YOU'RE responsible for what I say . . . what we all say.
Raincloud: So I can do this? (Types some letters on a keyboard)
Evil: I like to sing! I like to dance! I like to put ants in Bluestar's pants! (Puts ants in his own pants) Oh, no! I did it again! AAAH! (Runs away)
Fireheart: I wish Ravenpaw was here to see this.
Raincloud: Now you must say who Ravenpaw was and what happened to him.
Fireheart: Why?
Raincloud: Because the readers may not have read the first story.
Fireheart: If they didn't read the first story why would they read the second story?
Raincloud: Never mind. Let's start from after Fireheart says "How RUDE!" (Speaks into megaphone) and . . . ACTION!
Graystripe: I hope Whitestorm has her chasing blue squirrels all day.
Studio Audience: HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!
Fireheart: But . . . there are no such things as blue squirrels.
Graystripe: Precisely!
Studio Audience: HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!
LATER
Fireheart: Hi, Spottedleaf.
Spottedleaf: Fire alone can save the clan.
Fireheart: Why must you say this to me again?
Evil: Did you know you talk in your sleep?
Fireheart: (Wakes up) AAAH!
Evil: I'll take that as a yes.
Fireheart: I have a question for you: why were you born?
Evil: . . . Uh . . . I don't really know.
Fireheart: That's my answer too!
Evil: Sweet! By the way, you're going to the gathering.
Fireheart: Cool.
Bluestar: Your name shall be Swiftpaw.
Swiftpaw: Um . . . cool?
Bluestar: Your mentor is Longtail.
Swiftpaw: Fine.
ON THE WAY TO THE GATHERING
Fireheart: Evil killed Redtail.
Bluestar: Why are you telling me this?
Fireheart: So you can get rid of Evil.
Bluestar: He's my deputy. Why would I get rid of him?
Fireheart: HE'S A MURDERER!
Bluestar: I know you may have heard Evil say that one day, but I don't believe it and I'm the leader and what I say is the warrior code so shut up about it or I'll send you back to your twolegs.
Fireheart: You wouldn't!
Bluestar: Oh, yes. I would. (Makes an evil grin)

Nightstar: No, I'll do it!
Crookedstar: No, I'll do it!
Bluestar: What's going on here?
Nightstar: I want to hunt in WindClan's territory, but Crookedstar wants to too. How should we decide who gets to hunt in WindClan's territory?
Bluestar: Nobody should be-
Fireheart: How about a singing contest?
Nightstar/Crookedstar: YEAH!
Fireheart: Welcome to "I SING BETTER THAN YOU!" Today's contestants, Nightstar and Crookedstar, will have their singing judged by our three judges, Graystripe, Evil, and Bluestar. The song they will sing is . . . "Nobody's Perfect" by Hannah Montana!
Nightstar: Sometimes I'm in a jam. I've gotta make a plan.
Crookedstar: It might be . . . I . . . anyway . . .
Nightstar: The way to know for sure. I figure out a cure.
Crookedstar: I'm . . . ?
Nightstar: If I'm not doin' too well, CLAP-CLAP, CLAP
Crookedstar: . . . huh? I don't get it!
Nightstar/Crookedstar: Nobody's perfect!
Nightstar: I gotta work it again and again 'till I get it right.
Evil: SHUT UP! (DJ scratching noise)
Graystripe: Nightstar, you were too cool! I give you a ten!
Evil: You rocked my socks off! You also rocked the ants out of my pants. I'll give you a ten!
Bluestar: I don't believe in singing just to get territory, but I'll just give you a ten anyway.
Fireheart: Nightstar got 30! That's hard to beat. Now it's time to judge Crookedstar.
Evil: You SUCKED! I'll give you -1 for effort.
Bluestar: You didn't do so well. Sorry, but I'm gonna have to give you a 1.
Graystripe: Are you two kidding me?! He fit the whole theme of the song. I give you 1,000,000!
Fireheart: And the crowd goes wild. Crookedstar got an impossible 1,000,000 points for his singing. He wins the territory in WindClan!
Crookedstar: (Surfs the crowd back to RiverClan)
Evil: This is the best gathering I've ever gone to!
Fireheart: You can say that again.
Evil: This is the best gathering I've ever gone to!
Bluestar: Let's go back home.
BACK AT CAMP
Bluestar: . . . and that's why Nightstar and Crookedstar want to be allies.
Mousefur: Because they sang against each other?
Bluestar: NO, because they want to get revenge on us for wanting to bring WindClan home. Weren't you listening?
Longtail: She never listens well. She's a robot!
Mousefur: (In robot tone) I-am-not-a-ro-bot. (Shoots lasers at Longtail) Mu-ah-ha-ha. I-shall-take-o-ver-the-world. (Transforms into a bulldozer and drives out of the camp)
Mousefur: (Right next to Fireheart) did you see my robot twin? She totally wants to take over the world. Isn't that funny? HAHAHAHA!
Bluestar: This is just getting too crazy. Let's all get a good night's sleep. Whitestrom, you organize the night patrol.
Whitestorm: Chilax, Bluey! We all need some Z's!
Bluestar: Well it won't be my fault if we get raided while we're sleeping.
Whitestorm: Okizay!
LATER
Mysterious voice: EEEEEEEEEEEK! (Car squealing noise)
Fireheart: (Wakes up) Bluestar needs me.
Graystripe: Fireheart! Bluestar needs us.
Fireheart: I know that.
Graystripe: Oh.
Evil: ENTER! MUAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!
Graystripe: That doesn't scare us.
Evil: (Gives Graystripe a picture of Brokenstar)
Graystripe: AAH! It burns!
Bluestar: Your mission is to bring WindClan back into their territories.
Fireheart: Cool! This is our first warrior mission.
Graystripe: You know, Bluey, you could be silly . . . like us-
Bluestar: WHICH . . . brings me to my next point: it seems that everyone in this forest has gone nutty.
Fireheart: (Flips through dictionary) Definition of nutty: Mentally unbalanced.
Graystripe: So?
Bluestar: SO, I don't want any of you getting into any nonsense during your mission! Got it?
Fireheart: Yes, sir!
Bluestar: I'M A SHE-CAT!!
Fireheart: (Faints)
Graystripe: Uh, Fireheart, she-cats don't like it when you call them sir.
Fireheart: . . .

Sandpaw: Jump off a cliff.
Graystripe: We're on a mission and we can't get into any nonsence.
Sandpaw: . . . Jump off a cliff.
Whitestorm: Chill, Sand dawg, they goin' on a mission.
Sandpaw: Oh. Well on your way back, jump off a cliff.
Graystripe: Okay. I'll try.
Fireheart: Bye.
IN WINDCLAN TERRITORY
Graystripe: Do you hear that mysterious chanting?
Fireheart: What chanting?
Graystripe: Listen!
RiverClan patrol: (Chanting) Catch-the-rab-bit-ooh-ha-ha-ha-catch-the-rab-bit-ooh-ha-ha-ha . . .
Leopardfur: RABBIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT! (Points towards Fireheart)
Fireheart: The kuku bird thinks I'm a rabbit.
Graystripe: So run.
Fireheart: Good idea! (Runs into a badger's den)
Graystripe: The rabbit went that way (points towards carrion place)
RiverClan patrol: Thank-you-ooh-gah-ha! (Runs away)
ROARING, SCRATCHING, YOWLING NOISES
Fireheart: (Comes out of badger den all beat up)
Graystripe: I think you just got beat up by a badger.
Fireheart: You think?
IN WINDCLAN CAMP
Graystripe: There's nothing here.
Fireheart: That's technically impossible. If nothing was here, then-
Graystripe: I mean there are no WindClan cats here.
Fireheart: Of course.
Graystripe: What are we doing here, then?
Fireheart: . . .
LATER
Graystripe: Let's get this party started!
WindClan: WHOO!
Raincloud: Upt-chi-whu- . . . Why is WindClan here?!
Fireheart: Don't look at me. It was Graystripe's idea.
Graystripe: What's the point of us rescuing WindClan anyway?
Raincloud: You get to see Ravenpaw-
Graystripe: Ravenpaw?! REWIND!

REWINDING REWINDING REWINDING REWINDING REWINDING

Graykit: Hey, not dat far bak!

FASTFORWARDING FASTFORWARDING FASTFORWARDING

Graystripe: What are we doing here, then?
Fireheart: We're going to track down their trail from here.
Graystripe: Now that we've got a good plan, nothing can stop us now!
AN ALIEN SPACECRAFT HOVERS OVER THE TWO CATS AND ABDUCTS THEM. A FEW SECONDS AFTER THEY LEAVE, THEY GO BACK AND ABDUCT RAINCLOUD TOO

Mysterious voice: EEEEEEEEEEEK! (Car squealing noise)
Police: What's the problem, ma'am?
Twoleg: You won't believe this, but I just saw a UFO . . .
Police: Uh, huh . . .
Twoleg: And it dropped down a gray cat . . .
Police: Uh, huh . . .
Twoleg: and a rabbit . . .
Police: Uh, huh . . .
Twoleg: and Batman . . .
Police: (Gives twoleg a strange look) Uh, huh . . .
Twoleg: and last, a parody writer!
Police: You're nuts. (Drives away)
Fireheart: Graystripe, I heard that same noise sometime last night.
Graystripe: Déjà vu?
Fireheart: No, it must've been a prophecy. WindClan must be here!
Graystripe: Cool.
Fireheart: Quick! In this tunnel with the sign that says "WINDCLAN ARE LIVING HERE DO NOT ENTER OR ELSE YOU WILL BE SHOT BY TRANQUILIZERS!"
INDEED, WHEN THE TWO FOOLISH WARRIORS ENTERED THE TUNNEL, THEY WERE SHOT BY TRANQUILIZERS. THE AUTHOR DOES NOT KNOW WHY THESE WARRIORS WERE HARMED WITH REAL ONES KNOWING THAT SHE ONLY GAVE WINDCLAN FAKE TRANQUILIZERS.
Rainpelt: WindClan! What happened to the fake ones?
WindClan: (Whistles)
LATER
Raincloud: Okay, we're going to start again. WindClan, I want you to THREATEN them with the FAKE tranquilizers.
WindClan: (Salute)
Fireheart: Quick! In this tunnel!
WindClan: (Shoot the two warriors with real tranquilizers)
Raincloud: Ugh! What am I going to do with you, WindClan?
WindClan: . . .
Raincloud: I won't pay you if you don't behave-
WindClan: (In a begging position, puppy-dog panting)
Rainpelt: Good doggies.
LATER
Graystripe: Take us to your leader.
Deadfoot: He's at Busch Gardens.
Fireheart: Huh?
VIDEO CLIP OF THE SHEIKRA IN BUSCH GARDENS: AS THE RIDE FALLS, TALLSTAR'S SCREAM IS HEARD ABOVE ALL THE OTHERS
Graystripe: So you're expecting us to travel all the way to Busch Gardens.
Fireheart: They're just trying to get rid of us.
Graystripe: Why would they? They're angels! Look at them.
WindClan: (Innocent looks + halos over heads)
Fireheart: We mean no harm. Just let us take you back.
Deadfoot: Fine.
AT BARLEY'S FARM
Graystripe: Where'sRavenpaw? Where'sRavenpaw? Where'sRavenpaw?
Fireheart: (To WindClan cats) and here, to your right, we have Barley's farm. This is where Barley lives. He helps the clans in need sometimes . . .
Graystripe: RAVENPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!
Ravenpaw: RABBIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT! (Leaps at Fireheart)
Fireheart: Hey, it's me, Fireheart!
Ravenpaw: Oh. (Kneels before Graystripe and Fireheart) I'm pleased to see you again. I feel honored to be friends of those who are warriors (Looks warily around) and the two warriors that drove out Tigerclaw and/or killed him!
Graystripe: Nope. It never happened.
Ravenpaw: Oh, mousedung.
Fireheart: Could WindClan sleep here tonight?
Barley: Evil. You just gotta CHIIIIIIIIIIIL.
Graystripe: Uh . . . Barley?
Barley: Huh . . . OH! Wrong script! Sorry. My bad! (Searches papers on desk for right script) Ah. (Clears throat) . . . uh . . . what's this . . . natuurlijk kunt u! What does that mean?!
Ravenpaw: Barley, I don't think the readers know Dutch.
Barley: Huh . . . OH! Wrong script again! Sorry. My bad! (Searches papers on desk for right script) Ah. (Clears throat) . . . uh . . . naturalmente você pode!
Ravenpaw: I can bet that wasn't English.
Barley: Huh . . . OH! Wrong script again! Sorry. My bad! (Searches papers on desk for right script) Ah. (Clears throat) . . . uh . . .  !
Ravenpaw: What in the world was THAT?! Barley, just say something!
Barley: Monkey in a banana!
Ravenpaw: (Paw on face) Oy. (Turns to WindClan) Of course you can!
Barley: Hey, that was MY line!
Ravenpaw: NOW you remember! (Bangs head on desk for the rest of the night)
MORNING
Barkface: GASP THERE WILL BE AN UNNECESSARY DEATH! I MUST RETIRE FROM MY JOOOOOOOOOOOOOB! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (Screams and runs around in circles)
WindClan/Fireheart/Graystripe: (Watch in silence)
Ravenpaw: Okay. Thanks. (Hangs up phone) The doctor told me not to bang my head on desks anymore. (Watches Barkface with others)
Fireheart: Is your medicine cat always mental like this?
Deadfoot: Yup! It really makes you wonder how he ever got to be a medicine cat.
Fireheart: Definitely.

Deadfoot: Alright, let's continue.
ON THE WAY TO WINDCLAN
Graystripe: (Listening to iPod) I like to sing! I like to dance! I like to put ants in Bluestar's pants! It makes me crazy, getting the chance, to put some ants in the leader's pants . . .
Fireheart: (to Deadfoot) I don't know him. He's just a companion.
Deadfoot: Yeah. Sure.
Random Twoleg: Hop into my monster!
Fireheart: I'm rejecting your offer. We've almost reached our destination.
Random Twoleg: AAAW!
Fireheart: How about I promise to ride in your monster sometime in this fanfiction.
Random Twoleg: Deal! (Drives away)
Morningflower: (Listening to iPod) I like to sing! I like to dance! I like to put ants in Bluestar's pants! It makes me crazy, getting the chance, to put some ants in the leader's pants . . .
Some other WindClan cats: (Listening to iPods) I like to sing! I like to dance! I like to put ants in Bluestar's pants . . .
Fireheart: I live in a strange forest. Don't you agree . . . Deadfoot?
Deadfoot: (Listening to iPod) I like to sing! I like to dance! I like to put ants in Bluestar's pants . . .
AT WINDCLAN CAMP
WINDCLAN ARE IN AN AUDIENCE GIVING PLAUDITS TO FIREHEART AND GRAYSTRIPE, WHO ARE ON THE TALLROCK WITH DEADFOOT
Deadfoot: (As clapping stops) thank you, very much, for bringing us back to our camp. (More clapping) for your kindness, we'd like to give you these medals of Honor. (Gives Fireheart a medal)
Fireheart: YAAAAAAAY!
Deadfoot: (Gives Graystripe a medal)
Graystripe: Hehe . . . it's kinda heavy. (Tries to get up, but falls off the Tallrock)
Barkface: GO THROUGH RIVERCLAN TERRITORY AND WIN A FREE CHOCOLATE BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!
Deadfoot: I like chocolate, so let's escort you two back to ThunderClan . . . through RiverClan's territory! But first, let's pick another cat.
Tornear: (Only cat to raise his paw) Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!
Deadfoot: Uh . . . Onewhisker.
Onewhisker: Cool.
Tornear: Darn. I thought I had a pretty good chance of getting picked.
IN RIVERCLAN
Fireheart: Oh, great, a RiverClan patrol.
Graystripe: Maybe they're here to give us our chocolate.
Onewhisker: You've got a point, there.
RiverClan/ThunderClan/WindClan: (Stare at each other for a moment)
Leopardstar: There's the rabbit!
Fireheart: There's the kuku bird!
Leopardstar: Ugh! How dare you make fun of my beauty? GET THEM!
EVERYONE FIGHTS
Deadfoot: I thought Barkface said we'd win a chocolate bar!
Barkface: (Heard from across the forest) I'M CRAZYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Deadfoot: Oh. I forgot about that.
Evil: Duh, duh-DUUUUH! ThunderClan are here to save the day! (He and others start fighting)
Sandpaw: I thought I told you two to jump off a cliff.
Graystripe: Oh. Sorry, I forgot. (About to jump off the edge of the gorge, but Whiteclaw is in the way)
Whiteclaw: Hey, watch it! You almost knocked me over-
Evil: Time to use our secret weapon!!
Fireheart: What secret weapon-
BOMB EXPLODES AND CAUSES WHITECLAW TO FALL OFF THE EDGE
Fireheart: Barkface was actually serious; there was an unnecessary death . . . (looks at Evil) . . . and an unnecessary weapon.
Evil: I like pencils! (Grins)

Leopardstar: Curse you, gray cat! (Heard from all over the world) CURSE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!
Gray cats everywhere: I'm feeling . . . a disturbance . . .
RIVERCLAN LEAVES
Deadfoot: Well, uh . . . thanks. (Looks at Evil) . . . IT WAS THEIR FAULT! (He and Onewhisker run away)
Evil: What do you two have to say for yourselves?
Fireheart/Graystripe: (Exchange glances + point at each other) IT WAS HIS FAULT! (Run away)
AT THE THUNDERCLAN BORDER
Evil: Hershey bars alone will save our clan!
Fireheart: I like bacon! Do you like bacon-
Sandpaw: I was born in 1924! Snowballs come from Alaska.
Fireheart: Do you like shopping?
GRAYSTRIPE COMES
Fireheart: Nuclear reactors! They destroy zombies-
Evil: My iPod fell in the sink.
Graystripe: SIGH May the force be with you.
Evil: Roar. I'm a dinosaur.
AT THUNDERCLAN CAMP
Mousefur: They brought WindClan back home!
Marching Band: (Plays "I Got Nerve" by Hannah Montana)
Fireheart: You didn't have to do all this! Seriously, what's with the marching band playing pop music?
Marching Band: (Stops playing)
Bluestar: (Comes out of den with an empty tray) Here's a cake for your hard work. You deserve it.
Fireheart: (Scrutinizes the empty tray) Uh . . . there's nothing here.
Bluestar: Exactly! How could you have gone through RiverClan territory?!
Fireheart: Barkface told us we'd win a Hershey Bar.
Bluestar: Stop making excuses, Fireheart. I thought I could trust you.
Graystripe: I wasn't Fireheart's fault-
Evil: It was your entire fault, Fireheart! How could you let this happen?
Bluestar: Calm down, Evil . . . YOU COULD'VE STARTED A WAR WITH RIVERCLAAAAAAAAAN!
Fireheart/Graystripe: Sorry, Bluestar.
Bluestar: SORRY ISN'T ENOUGH! YOU TWO WILL BE CLEANING THE ELDERS FOR THE REST OF LEAF-FALL!!
Evil: Calm down, Bluestar.
Fireheart: . . . We rescued WindClan!
Bluestar: Yes. I know.
Graystripe: . . .
Bluestar: Anyway, I want you two to have an apprentice-
Evil: YES! I get to have a new apprentice and Graystripe and I can compare our apprentices and we can train ours together and . . . and . . .
Bluestar: I meant Fireheart and Graystripe.
Evil: (Glares at Fireheart) I'm watching you. (Walks away)
LATER
Willowpelt: (Hits a gong next to Fireheart)
Fireheart: Thanks for waking me up.
Willowpelt: I only did it because I was bored . . . and because Whitestorm creeps me out.
Fireheart: Peace.
Willowpelt: Peace.
Dustpaw: Fireheart, have some gum.
Fireheart: OK. (Takes gum and sticks in back into Dustpaw's mouth)
Dustpaw: Oh, drat. (Head explodes)
Bluestar: You will be Cinderpaw.
Cinderpaw: CINDERPAAAAAAAAAAW!
Bluestar: Your mentor will be Fireheart.
Cinderpaw: (Snuggles with Fireheart)
Bluestar: You will be Haikupaw, and your mentor will be Graystripe.
Haikupaw: I can't believe it.
I am an apprentice now.
Believe it or not.

Graystripe: I kill a RiverClan warrior, and then I get an apprentice that only talks in Haikus. Could this day get any worse?
Fireheart: You shouldn't have said that.
Graystripe: Why not?
Mailman: Mail for Mr. Graystripe!
Graystripe: (Reads letter) what?! My father's head exploded in Paraguay? Nope. It couldn't get worse than this.
Dustpaw: (Points to his headless body)
Evil: (Listening to a rap song on his iPod) Fireheart's the one who is taking all the fun. He'll fail his mentoring job and be chased by an angry mob. Drive him out of the clan! It's the best possible plan . . .
ThunderClan: (Stare at him)
Fireheart: How RUDE!
A PENCIL FALLS FROM THE SKY
Evil: (Stares at the pencil temptingly)

Haikupaw: Oh, mentor of mine,
It's morning so we should start,
My training, okay?
Graystripe: Ugh.
Fireheart: Where's Cinderpaw?
Haikupaw: . . .
Fireheart: HELLOOOOOO?
Haikupaw: I do not reply,
When I cannot think of a,
Haiku to recite.
Graystripe: Oh, brother.
Fireheart: You don't have a brother. (Leaves in search of Cinderpaw)
Graystripe: . . . I don't have a brother . . . ?
Fireheart: (Finds Cinderpaw) Time for training.
Cinderpaw: OKAY!
Haikupaw: Let us get going.
We don't want to waste the day,
So let's go and train.
Graystripe: This is going to be a long day.
AT THE OWL TREE
Fireheart: See this tree, Cinderpaw? It's the owl tree.
Cinderpaw: Why do they call it the owl tree?
FIREHEART STARES BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN CINDERPAW, AND THE OWL TREE, WHICH HAS CARVINGS OF OWLS ALL OVER IT, OWL PODS SURROUNDING IT, AND AN OWL PARTY INSIDE THE HOLE, WHERE MUSIC IS BLARING OUT OF IT
Fireheart: Uh . . .
Cinderpaw: Oh, I get it. It's an owl tree because squirrels have their summer camps here!
Fireheart: . . . O . . . K . . . let's carry on.
AT THE THUNDERPATH
Fireheart: Here is the Thunderpath. Monsters run on it.
Cinderpaw: I don't see any monsters . . . (A bunch of monsters run by) . . . look! A cookie!
Fireheart: SIGH
AT TWOLEG PLACE
Fireheart: This is where I grew up as a kit. Cats and dogs live here with twolegs and is sometimes a wonderful place to be . . . (looks at Cinderpaw) this place sucks.
Mysterious Kittypet: (Walks by)
Cinderpaw: I could picture my brother chasing it away: "Hello, kittypet, I want to chase you away, to amuse myself!" (Bursts into laughter)
Fireheart: Hehe . . . cool. Let's go home.
BACK AT CAMP
Fireheart: So, how was your day, Haikupaw- . . . OOPS! (Covers mouth)
Haikupaw: It was exciting.
To place your paws outside the,
Camp is most pleasing.
Graystripe: Why must you always talk in Haikus?
Haikupaw: I talk in Haikus
Because I feel unique and
That makes me happy.
Fireheart: Who wants some fresh-kill?
Cinderpaw: I do!
Haikupaw: I'd be delighted,
To have a bite of fresh-kill.
Please give some to me.
Runningwind: (Steam coming out of his ears) I can't take it anymore! (Jumps out of a window)
Fireheart: I'm sure he wasn't talking about you, Haikupaw.
Graystripe: Uh . . . what's a window doing in the wild?
Rainpelt: It was one of the props that I wanted to experiment with.
Graystripe: Oh. But it still doesn't fit with the whole foresty theme.
Rainpelt: This is a parody. Deal with it.
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
Fireheart: (Suddenly wakes up) GASP that kittypet that walked by us today . . . she owed me four dollars.
LATER
Fireheart: (Suddenly wakes up) AND SHE WAS MY SISTER! Which makes me her brother and she's having kits so then I'd be an uncle! It's all so complicated so I'll just go back to sleep. Move on! There's nothing to see here-
Evil: Who are you talking to?
Fireheart: My . . . iPod! (Goes back to sleep)
Evil: Well, DUH! Everyone talks to their iPods! (Goes back to sleep)

Fireheart: Maybe I should see my sister . . .
Evil: I'm going to the Mart-Mart . . . so Fireheart knows that I'm not suspecting where he is . . . so he can go see his sister . . . and I'm evil . . . and I want to drive him out of the CLAN . . . and I'm the deputy-
Fireheart: I'm off the hook! (Skips happily out of the camp)
Cinderpaw: (Dresses in rags next to Graystripe and starts speaking in an English accent) Oh, loving, caring, smart Graystripe, could you please spare me a training session?
Graystripe: Uh . . . I'm kinda training Haikupaw today.
Cinderpaw: (Quickly thinks of a lie) I only have three minutes to live.
Graystripe: GASP you poor thing! You know, I can train two apprentices at once.
Cinderpaw: (Stops English accent) How?
Graystripe: Because! I'm Graystripe!
Cinderpaw: That makes sence. Let us role.
GRAYSTRIPE AND CINDERPAW MAGICALLY APPEAR ON A MOTORCYCLE WITH SUNGLASSES AND THEY DRIVE TO SNAKEROCKS
Haikupaw: (Runs after motorcycle then stops) Hey, Graystripe! Wait for,
Me! I am your real apprentice.
Why did you leave me?
AT PRINCESS'S HOUSE
Fireheart: (To the camera) Okay. I'm about to-
Evil: (Pushes Fireheart's screen away) Hello! You all get to watch me shop for underwear at the Mart-Mart! (Pushes around a shopping cart as happy music comes on)
Fireheart: (Pushes Evil's screen away) Uh-hem . . . anyway, I'm going into Princess's yard, but I'm not so sure-
Evil: (Pushes Fireheart's screen away, pushing a shopping cart through the men's section) Ah. See this kind of stuff? This is what I like to wear-
Fireheart: (Pushes Evil's screen away) AS I WAS SAYING . . . I'm not so sure if doing this will make the other warriors, like Evil shopping for underwear, send me back to my twolegs . . . (pulls Evil's screen back on)
Evil: (Pushing a shopping cart full of ladies underwear) . . . GAAH! This isn't what it looks like! (Looks at Fireheart's screen) Traitor!
Fireheart: She-cat!
Evil: AAAARG! (Screen disappears)
Fireheart: Oh, Princess!
Princess: Yes, Rustman?
Fireheart: How did you know my name before I could have Raincloud put it on the script as "Rustman?"
Princess: 'Cause I'm cooler than you.
Fireheart: Good point.
Princess: So, how's the wild?
Fireheart: How did you know I lived in the wild before I told you?
Princess: 'Cause I'm cooler than Graystripe.
Fireheart: Again, good point.
Princess: So, how's the wild?
Fireheart: Why did you ask again?
Princess: 'Cause I'm cooler than Raincloud.
Raincloud: Ugh! I'm offended! I'm going to stop writing this story.
Princess: Oh. Oka-- --TWO-HOURS-L8R-- --
Raincloud: Fine. If I didn't write this story, you wouldn't exist.
Princess: Yes we would. Erin Hunter wrote us first-
Raincloud: But . . . good point.
Princess: So anyway-
Raincloud: TIME'S UP! It's already sunset.
Fireheart: It is your fault, Raincloud.
Raincloud: No it isn't. Get back to ThunderClan.
Fireheart: I will return . . . possibly to bring one of your kits into the clan?
Princess: Don't make me kill you!
BACK AT THUNDERCLAN
Haikupaw: Oh my, Fireheart.
My mentor abandoned me.
Can you mentor me?
Fireheart: It was only for one day.
Graystripe: Cinderpaw ripped me off! She told me she only had three minutes to live.
Fireheart: You know she was lying.
Graystripe: Yeah . . . I kinda figured that out after three minutes passed.
Evil: (Jumps in front of Fireheart's face) Banana bonanza! (Hops away)
Fireheart: That was . . . weird . . .

THE FOLLOWING HAS BEEN HAPPENING EVERYDAY SO FAR
Cinderpaw: (dressed in rags and speaking in an English accent) Oh, Graystripe, Fireheart has abandoned me again. Could you please spare me another training session?
Graystripe: I told you already that I have to train Haikupaw.
Cinderpaw: . . . Yellowfang had a prophecy that I was going to die before Haikupaw!
Graystripe: Oh, you poor thing! I'll mentor you for only ONE more day.
(Gets on motorcycle with Cinderpaw and drives off)
Haikupaw: (Running after motorcycle) Please wait-ith for thee!
My sister's lying to you.
Don't abandon me.
THEN LATER IN THE DAY
Evil: Banana bonanza! (Hops away)
NO, WAIT, NOT THAT LATER
Fireheart: Hi Graystripe. Just so you know, I wasn't with my sister, Cathy, today. I was just shopping at the Mart-Mart.
Graystripe: Okay.
TODAY
Fireheart: Another day of sunshine!
Graystripe: Yeah . . . IT SUCKS!
Floating gallon of milk: (floats around the clearing)
Cinderpaw: (Pins down milk)
Fireheart: Wow! Cinderpaw, you caught the floating milk!
Cinderpaw: (Sniffs milk) It's not regular milk, Fireheart. It's . . . chocolate milk!
Fireheart: Chocolate!
Graystripe: Chocolate!
Mousefur: Chocolate!
Yellowfang: Chocolate!
Bluestar: Chocolate?
Evil: Chocolate!
Sandpaw: Chocolate!
Raincloud: Chocolate!
ThunderClan: Chocolate!
Haikupaw: Good morning, Graystripe.
What is today's assignment?
I hope we may hunt.
Graystripe: Nope. Today, we're . . . (searches clipboard for lesson plans) . . . going . . . hunting.
Cinderpaw: Yay!
Haikupaw: . . .
Graystripe: Why didn't you respond?
Haikupaw: Haven't I told you?
I don't speak when I don't have,
A haiku to say.
Fireheart: That makes sense.
NEAR THE RIVER
Cinderpaw: The River is frozen.
Graystripe: Man, Cinderpaw, you're worse than Longtail.
Fireheart: We were supposed to catch a vole before you said that.
Graystripe: (Jumps onto the ice, breaks it, and starts drowning)
Fireheart: Now you're worse than Cinderpaw!
Cinderpaw: Isn't this the part when princess Silverstream saves Graystripe?
Fireheart: Yeah, but she isn't coming.
ONE MINUTE LATER
Haikupaw: We are waiting here,
Desperately waiting for her.
Silverstream, please come.
ANOTHER MINUTE LATER
Fireheart: Where is Silverstream?
VIDEO CLIP OF SILVERSTREAM NOW: SHE'S PLAYING TEA PARTY WITH HER DOLLS
Silverstream: I can see the hidden camera, Raincloud.
Raincloud: . . . hehe . . . I don't know what she's talking about!
Silverstream: Why can't I just let him drown?
Raincloud: Well, without Graystripe, then there wouldn't really be a story-
Silverstream: But I die!
Raincloud: So?
Silverstream: Whatever. (Rescues Graystripe)
Graystripe: Wow. I thought I was fresh-kill-
Silverstream: Shut up and let me walk away. (Swims back to RiverClan)
BACK AT CAMP
Evil: (Posing in front of mirror) Yeah, I look GOOD!
Fireheart/Graystripe/Haikupaw/Cinderpaw: (Stare in horror)
Evil: This is MY private time! And wasn't I supposed to come to you?
Fireheart: Everything changes.
Evil: Fine. Graystripe, why were you in RiverClan territory?
Graystripe: I wasn't in RiverClan territory.
Evil: Liar, liar! Pants on fire!
Graystripe: I'm not lying!
Evil: Well, you're pants ARE on fire.
Graystripe: (Looks down at his own burning pants) Oh. Right.

Evil: So, what's the truth?
Cinderpaw: It was my fault. I stole a slice of pizza from Haikupaw, and then Graystripe was so angry that he jumped into the river.
Fireheart/Graystripe: (Confused looks on their faces)
Evil: You're pants are not on fire, so I believe you. (Walks away)
Cinderpaw: (After an awkward silence) I don't even have pants.
LATER
Graystripe: Ugh. Yellowfang just fed me some poison ivy. No . . . wait . . . she fed me lavender.
Fireheart: Wow. The words lavender and poison ivy are so hard to tell apart.
Graystripe: Exactly!
Fireheart: (Shakes head, annoyed)
Mousefur: Evil wants you . . . dead-
Fireheart: I know. (Walks over to Evil)
Evil: You need to assess Haikupaw and Cinderpaw tomorrow.
Fireheart: Okay.
Whitestorm: Gimme some fish n' chips while yo there.
Fireheart: Got it.
Whitestorm: You all right, Lil' Dawg.
TOMORROW
Fireheart: All right, Cinderpaw and Haikupaw, you two need to hunt in the tallpines near twolegplace.
Cinderpaw: Uh . . .
Haikupaw: What Cinderpaw means,
Is that Evil wants to catch,
You in twolegplace.
Fireheart: Who cares? Off you go!
Cinderpaw/Haikupaw: (Race off)
AS FIREHEART SECRETLY FOLLOWS THE TWO APPRENTICES, HE'S SEEN CINDERPAW AND HAIKUPAW CATCH MUCH PREY, SUCH AS MICE, VOLES, RABBITS, BIRDS, AND STRANGLY ENOUGH, KANGAROOES.
Fireheart: (watching Haikupaw catch a wood mouse) Yeah! He caught the mousey, mousey!
Cinderpaw: (points at Fireheart) RABBIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!
Fireheart: NOOO! It's me, Fireheart.
Cinderpaw: Oh. Sorry. (Runs away)
FIREHEART TURNS AROUND TO SEE A PERFECTLY ARRANGED FISH AND CHIPS MEAL RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM, WITH SUN RAYS BEAMING DOWN ON IT AND ANGELS SINGING "HALLELUIAH"
Fireheart: Whitestorm will sure be happy.
BACK AT CAMP
Cinderpaw/Haikupaw: (Each carry in a mouse)
Evil: That's pathetic!
Cinderpaw/Haikupaw: (Snap fingers)
A HUGE DUMPTRUCK BREAKS THROUGH THE CAMP WALL AND DUMPS TWICE AS MUCH PREY ON EVIL AS LAST TIME
Evil: . . . ouch.
Fireheart: I've taught them so much. Cries
Bluestar: Since Graystripe is . . . ill . . . I want you to mentor Haikupaw also.
Fireheart: What? No way! I don't want to mentor someone who says haikus all the time . . . (turns around)
Haikupaw: (looks at Fireheart with "Puss-in-Boots" eyes)
Fireheart: . . . KIDDING! Hehe.
Evil: Fireheart, your little friend is back.
Fireheart: He just needs some time away from the camp-
Evil: DISRESPECTFUL! (Hops away)
Graystripe: (Walks past) ello.
Fireheart: Ello.
DREAM-CATCHER FALLS FROM GRAYSTRIPE'S PELT
Fireheart: Wait a second . . . dream-catchers are only made from the villagers in RiverClan. I wonder . . . is Graystripe . . . HAVING NIGHTMARES ABOUT DIRTY LAUNDRY?!

THE NEXT DAY
Runningwind: Chilly, eh-
Fireheart: AAAAAAAAAAAH! I WON'T BE HURT BY YOU, MEAN EVIL-
Runningwind: Are you . . . having nightmares about dirty laundry?
Fireheart: Actually, it's about-
Runningwind: Don't care. You need to train the apprentices today. NOW GET YOUR TAIL IN THE TRAINING HOLLOW BEFORE I SHOVE THAT DREAM CATCHER UP YOUR NOSE!
Fireheart: (Dumbstruck by Runningwind's harsh tone then looks at script) uh, aren't you supposed to be a bit . . . nicer?
Runningwind: I don't care what the mouse-brained script says!
Fireheart: (Runs away in panic)
AT THE TRAINING HOLLOW
Fireheart: I'm going to give you a hunting lesson today.
Cinderpaw: Not the "Rabbit hears you, mouse fears you" lesson again!
Fireheart: Actually it's the "Rabbit hears you, mouse feels you" lesson.
Cinderpaw: YAY!
Runningwind: You're too enthusiastic.
Cinderpaw: . . .
Runningwind: DON'T MAKE ANOTHER MEW OR I'LL REMOVE YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS!
Cinderpaw: (Runs for the hills)
Haikupaw: I do not believe
That you should scare Cinderpaw
To get what you want.
Runningwind: I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! (Jumps out of a window)
Haikupaw: . . .
Fireheart: Toodles! (Goes off to find Graystripe)
Haikupaw: Don't abandon me!
Graystripe had abandoned me.
How could you do this? Cries
FIREHEART FINDS GRAYSTRIPE LAYING ON SUNNINGROCKS WITH A BATHING SUIT AND SUNGLASSES
Fireheart: I know Graystripe . . . and he does NOT wear sunglasses. In fact, no cat wears sunglasses.
Silverstream: (comes out of the river with bathing suit on) I'm HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE! Who missed me?
Graystripe: I did!
Silverstream: Oh, you! (Lays by Graystripe and snuggles with him)

Fireheart: (Blows whistle) HEY! No snuggling allowed on ThunderClan territory.
Graystripe: But-Fi-re-heart,-I-am-not-snug-gling-with-this-Riv-er-Clan-cat.
Fireheart: Don't lie to me. Not with her grooming you there!
Silverstream: (Grooming Graystripe)
Fireheart: Graystripe, let's get going.
Graystripe: Good-bye-cat-who-I-do-not-know.
Silverstream: Good-bye, my wittle gway lovey-dovey!
Fireheart: Graystripe, you have to stop seeing her.
Graystripe: I-can-not-stop-see-ing-her.-She-un-der-stands-me.
Fireheart: And stop talking like that.
Graystripe: I-am-a-fraid-I-can-not.
Fireheart: SIGH
BACK AT CAMP
Whitestorm: Yo, Gray-dawg and Lil' dawgie. Gray-dawg is wack. He should be restin'.
Graystripe: I-am-so-sor-ry-White-storm.
Whitestorm: Dang, his cold is friki-friki-worse, yo.
Fireheart: That's right. He's going to his den now. (Walks away with Graystripe)
Willowpelt: Uh, hi, how are you doin'?
Whitestorm: I-
Willowpelt: And if you say "friki-friki-fresh" I'm gonna hurt you.
NEAR RIVERCLAN BORDER
Fireheart: I hope no one catches me here-
RiverClan warrior: RABIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!
Fireheart: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Silverstream: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Fireheart: Phew.
Silverstream: Let ME catch it.
Fireheart: Drat.
Silverstream: (Get's closer . . . and closer . . .)
Fireheart: (Curled up in a ball, sucking his thumb)
Silverstream: It's all right, chicken, I'm not going to eat you.
Fireheart: I'm no chicken . . . I'm a rabbit!
Silverstream: Yeah.
Fireheart: Stop seeing Graystripe.
Silverstream: . . . okay! (Begins to skip away)
Fireheart: Psst, Silverstream read what's on the script.
Silverstream: (Reads script) No, I will never stop seeing Graystripe and besides, I'm RiverClan's princess.
Fireheart: Fine. (Both walk away)
BACK AT CAMP
Cinderpaw: It's raining, it's pouring,
Yellowfang's playing her violin.
She hit her head, went to bed,
And couldn't play until morning.
Yellowfang: (Playing a sad song on her violin)
Fireheart: What's with the sad vibes?
Yellowfang: A kit has Whitecough and won't take his medicine. Will you get him to take his medicine?
Fireheart: (Turns to the kit) EAT YOUR MEDICINE OR I WILL HURT YOU! I'LL THROUGH YOU OFF A CLIFF, THROW YOU ON THE THUNDERPATH, OR EVEN FEED YOU LIMA BEANS!!
Kit: (Stuffs face with medicine)
Yellowfang: Just don't overdose, sweetie!
Kit's mother: (Slaps Fireheart)
Fireheart: She must've heard my violent threat.
Yellowfang: Oh, yeah, and Bluestar has whitecough too.
Fireheart: WHAT? She only has two lives left or something, and she's the only one of us that actually makes sense!
Yellowfang: Too bad. (Continues to play sad song)

Barkface: (Heard from across the forest) BLUESTAR HAS GREENCOUGH! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Atomic explosion seen in the direction of the WindClan camp)
Willowpelt: The psycho medicine cat is right. Bluestar has greencough!
Fireheart: Could life get any worse?
Yellowfang: Watch out, Fireheart, the hunting patrol is back.
Dustpaw: RABIIIIIIIIIIIIT!
Fireheart: NOOOOOOOO!
Sandpaw: (Whacks Dustpaw in the head with an anvil)
Dustpaw: (Passes out)
Fireheart: I think he had a message.
Evil: (Heard from across the forest) I NEED BLUESTAR TO COME TO THE BURNT ASH TREE NEAR THE THUNDERPATH!
Sandpaw: Then what was the point of sending Dustpaw?
Fireheart: So you could hit him with the anvil.
Sandpaw: Cool. (Walks away)
Yellowfang: (Yelling to Evil) BLUESTAR'S SICK!
Evil: (Yelling back) Uh . . . THEN SEND FIREHEART!
Yellowfang: (Yelling again) HE'S FETCHING ME CATNIP FOR BLUESTAR!
Fireheart: (As the two continue to scream at each other) I am? Okay. (Goes to find catnip)
Cinderpaw: Fireheart abandoned me again! I hate him. And Graystripe is gone too. Maybe I could ask Evil to train me! (Leaves)
LATER IN THE TWOLEG GARDEN
Fireheart: I'm not too sure about this place . . .
FIREHEART LOOKS OUT INTO THE TWOLEG GARDEN FILLED WITH BEAR TRAPS, SECURITY CAMERAS, VICIOUS DOGS IN AN UNLOCKED CAGE, AND KANGAROOS.
Fireheart: I think this the right time to call . . . (whistles)
Twoleg: (Drives up to Fireheart) Hop in!
Fireheart: (Gets into the car)
THE CAR BREAKS THROUGH THE FENCE, DRIVES THROUGH THE TWOLEG'S FIELD OF CATNIP, AND BREAKS ALL THE SECURITY CAMERAS. THE DOGS COME AFTER THE CAR, BUT WHEN THEY GET CLOSE, THEY GET SHOCKED.
Fireheart: Dog resistant. Nice. Must've been expensive.
CATNIP FLIES EVERYWHERE AND FIREHEART GRABS SOME
Cinderpaw: (From across the forest) AAAAAAAAAAH!
Fireheart: That was Cinderpaw! Step on it, twoleg!
Monster: (Drives to Cinderpaw)
AT CINDERPAW
Fireheart: CINDERPAW!
Cinderpaw: (Lying on the ground with an injured leg) Fireheart . . . I have to tell you something . . . BLUEBERRY MUFFIN! (Passes out)
Fireheart: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Leprechaun: Stop yer whinin'.
Fireheart: Uh . . .
Leprechaun: Time to get movin'! It's time for meh dance. (Dances away)
Fireheart: O . . . kay . . .
Evil: (Comes in carrying a pile of girl magazines) GAH! This is my private "act like a girl" time!
Fireheart: . . . Then I'll leave.
Evil: Good. And just so you know, I didn't run over Cinderpaw with a monster. (Evil's pants set on fire)
Fireheart: I'll believe you . . . for now. (Carries Cinderpaw back to ThunderClan)
BACK AT THE CAMP
Yellowfang: (Plays extremely joyful music)
Fireheart: How RUDE! (Patting Cinderpaw)
Yellowfang: Can't you see? New England beat Philidelphia! Whoo!
Fireheart: (Suddenly ignores Cinderpaw) REALLY?!
Yellowfang: Yeah! Let's PARTY!! (Turns on conga music)
Clan: (Forms a conga line) Duh-duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH! Duh-duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH! Duh-duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH!
Raincloud: (Joins conga line) Duh-duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH! Duh-duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH! Duh-duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH!
Yellowfang: WAAAAAAIT. I need to examine Cinderpaw. (Barely glances at Cinderpaw) Yep. She'll live. LET'S CONGA!
Clan: Duh-duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH! Duh-duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH! Duh-duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, DUH!
THE NEXT MORNING
Bluestar: (Comes out of the den) I'm CURED!
Fireheart: That's great! Did the catnip help?
Bluestar: No. I died. (Skips merrily to Yellowfang's den)
Fireheart: GAAAAAAAH! (Mouth drops to the ground)

Fireheart: (Looks out of the den) Wow! It's a miracle! Tons of snow! (Walks into the snow and gets lost) . . . AAAAAAAAH! HEEEEELP! CAN'T . . . BREEEEATHE! JUST SNOOOOOW! SOMEONE HELP MEEEEEEEEEEE- (Climbs to the surface near the leader's den)
Speckletail: Oh, my, gosh! THREE OF OUR KITS HAVE GREENCOUGH! It's a tragedy. IT'S A TRAGEDYYYYY! OHWHYOHWHYOHWHYYYYYY?!
Fireheart: CHIIIIIIL. I'm sure I can get something for that. (Calmly walks toward the camp wall. Once he's out, he runs for his life) Catnip catnip catnip catnip . . .
Princess: (Pops up over the kittypet fence with a mouthful of catnip)
Fireheart: PRINCESS! I was going to find that myself!
Princess: To bad, Warrior Boy. I'm in a BAAD mood today so BACK OFF . . . (sweetly) so, how are you today, my sweet, sweet brother of mine?
Fireheart: Well, I actually . . .
Princess: I HATE YOU, RUSTMAN! YOU RAN OFF INTO THE WILD WITHOUT TELLING ME!
Fireheart: But-
Princess: DON'T YOU BUT ME! YOU'RE THE MOST . . . wonderful brother I've ever had going into the wild and becoming a . . . STUPID, RETARDED WARRIOR! LEAVE MY PRESENCE! YOU'RE BREATHING MY VALUABLE AIR!
Fireheart: (Takes the catnip and runs)
Princess: DON'T YOU LEAVE WITHOUT SAYING GOODBYE! . . . Take care, my sweet warrior brother!
BACK AT THUNDERCLAN
Whitestorm: The catnip is friki-friki-fresh! Word.
Haikupaw: Thatz right my big dawg.
Catnip helps catz who are wack.
And we give ya'll thankz.
Whitestorm: Nice use of da Z's! Get it? Da Z's? Disease?
Haikupaw: . . . (Walks away and laughs with Whitestorm)
Fireheart: Oh, no. Now there're two of them!
Evil: Actually, there's three.
Fireheart: Who's the third one?
Evil: (Points at Graystripe, coming into the camp)
Fireheart: Oh, yeah. Graydoofus. I'll go talk to him. (Walks over to Graystripe) Hey. Evil know's you've been absent for all these days.
Graystripe: I don't care, and I think it's time for you to mind your own business.
Fireheart: (Comes up with a lie) If you keep dating Silverstream, you'll end up like Cinderpaw. (Pants light on fire)
Graystripe: First of all, my love for Silverstream is stronger than anything. And second, I know you're lying. (Walks away)
Fireheart: I need to stop wearing pants.

Whitestorm: Yo, Lil' Dawg-
Fireheart: It's BIG Dawg now.
Whitestorm: Lil' Dawg's fly, yo.
Fireheart: O . . . K . . .
Whitestorm: Anywhos, you takin' Sand Dawg off huntn'. K?
Fireheart: (Explodes)
Whitestorm: . . . that's crazy, man.
THE NEXT DAY
Sandpaw: Hey, Fireheart! Are you ready to go hunting?
Fireheart: (Reassembled) No.
Sandpaw: Cool. Now let's get started. (Both run out the camp)
Fireheart: Just so you know-
Sandpaw: (Whacks Fireheart with a thesaurus)
Fireheart: Hey! What did you do that for?
Sandpaw: It was just sitting there. Doesn't everything have a purpose?
Fireheart: Yeah, but why a thesaurus?
Sandpaw: Because it's a THESAURUS! Now hurry up. I'm faster than you.
Fireheart: No you're not-
Sandpaw: (Whacks Fireheart with a thesaurus)
Fireheart: Why must you keep hitting me with a thesaurus?
Sandpaw: BECAUSE IT'S A THESAURUS! (Runs off)
Fireheart: Wait! (Runs after)
Sandpaw: THE RIVER'S FROZEN! (Whacks Fireheart with a stunned rabbit)
Fireheart: OW! Why a stunned rabbit?
Sandpaw: Because it was sitting there.
Fireheart: The river's frozen.
Sandpaw: Let's tell Bluestar. WE CAN RAID RIVERCLAN!!
Fireheart: YEAH!
Sandpaw: YEAH!
Fireheart: YEAH!
Sandpaw: YEAH!
Fireheart: YEAH!
Sandpaw: YEAH!

Fireheart: YEAH!
Sandpaw: YEAH!
Fireheart: YEAH!
Sandpaw: YEAH!
Fireheart: YEAH!
Sandpaw: YEAH!
Fireheart: YEAH!
Sandpaw: YEAH!
Fireheart: YEAH!
Sandpaw: YEAH!

Fireheart: YEAH!
Sandpaw: YEAH!
Fireheart: YEAH!
Sandpaw: YEAH!
Fireheart: YEAH!
Sandpaw: YEAH!
Fireheart: YEAH!
Sandpaw: YEAH!
Fireheart: YEAH!
Sandpaw: YEAH!

Fireheart: YEAH!
Sandpaw: YEAH!
Fireheart: YEAH!
Sandpaw: YEAH!
Fireheart: YEAH!
Sandpaw: YEAH!
Fireheart: YEAH!
Sandpaw: YEAH!
Fireheart: YEAH!
Sandpaw: YEAH!

Fireheart: YEAH!
Sandpaw: YEAH!
Fireheart: YEAH!
Sandpaw: YEAH!
Fireheart: YEAH!
Sandpaw: YEAH!
Fireheart: YEAH!
Sandpaw: YEAH!
Fireheart: YEAH!
Sandpaw: YEAH!
Fireheart: YEAH!
Sandpaw: YEAH!
Fireheart: YEAH!
Sandpaw: YEAH!
Fireheart: WE'RE INSANE!
Sandpaw: I KNOW! (Both run off)
BACK AT CAMP
Sandpaw: Evil, the river is frozen.
Evil: That's nice, dear.
Runningwind: (Comes into the camp panting) Evil, the river's frozen!
Evil: That's nice, dear.
Random kit: (Sleepwalks around the camp) Evil, the river's frozen. Evil, the river's frozen. Evil, the river's frozen . . .
Evil: GASP! Everyone who's here, follow me to the river!
Sandpaw and Fireheart: (Exchange glances)
AT THE RIVER
Evil: Yes! The river IS frozen. We can cross and raid RiverClan!
Clan: YAY.
JUST BEFORE THE EXCITED THUNDERCLANNERS COULD CROSS, A LONG, SLOW PARADE OF CIRCUS TWOLEGS AND OTHER ANIMALS ICE SKATE ALONG THE RIVER.
Evil: . . . See? We can still cross. The river didn't melt.
THE RIVER MELTS
Evil: Mouse dung.

Evil: Sandpaw . . . THIS IS YOUR ENTIRE FAULT!!
Sandpaw: What? I didn't do anything!
Evil: Yeah, right! You were the one that hired the circus to prove me wrong.
Sandpaw: But it just wouldn't make sense!
Evil: Go to your room!
Sandpaw: We're in the forest. We don't have rooms!
Evil: Then go jump off a cliff.
Sandpaw: YOU jump off a cliff!
Evil: Fine! (Jumps off a cliff)
ThunderClan: (Looks down the cliff stupefied)
Fireheart and Sandpaw: YAY!
Evil: (Makes angry penguin calls from the bottom)
Fireheart: We better run.
ThunderClan: (Run back to camp)
AT CAMP
Graystripe: Psst . . . Fireheart!
Fireheart: (Goes through secret entrance) What?
Graystripe: (Throws dynamite to Fireheart)
Fireheart: Oh, you got me a . . . (reads label that says EXPLOSIVE) Ah . . . you got me one of those-
DYNAMITE EXPLODES
Evil: (Comes in with a firetruck and sprays Fireheart with a hose)
Fireheart: HEY! It's below freezing outside! Do you know what could happen to me . . . (freezes)
Evil: Strange . . . the river melted, but Fireheart remained frozen. (Writes on a notepad) This concludes my experiment. My hypothesis was correct; friction does create heat . . .
Graystripe: . . . and he doesn't know how to use a Gameboy.
LATER AT PRINCESS'S HOUSE
Princess: Come IIIIIIIIIIIIN!
Fireheart: Hi.
Princess: I SAID COME IN!!
Fireheart: Raincloud has to say I come in.
Princess: RAINCLOUD, TELL FIREHEART TO COME IN!
Raincloud: No. I'm doing a book report. Gosh.
Princess: (Sighs and throws kit at Fireheart) Take the stupid kit to ThunderClan. Good day. (Slams door)
Fireheart: This wasn't exactly the type of meeting I had in mind.
Raincloud: It's a parody. Deal with it

Fireheart: (Comes into the camp with kit)
ThunderClan: (Stares)
Fireheart: Hi.
ThunderClan: Hi.
Fireheart: Bye.
ThunderClan: Bye.
Fireheart: I'll be going back here for a minute.
ThunderClan: I'll be going back here for a minute.
Fireheart: I'll give you 100,000.
ThunderClan: Thank you. (Resumes whatever they're doing)
Fireheart: Mouse dung. (Turns away and begins talking to the kit) someday you'll be the most powerful cat in the forest. You'll be more powerful than me. You'll be a leader! I'm so proud of you.
Kit: (Stares blankly at Fireheart)
Fireheart: Sigh I'm talking to a newborn kit. I'm stupid. (Picks up kit and enters camp again)
Longtail: Why do you have another kittypet with you?
Fireheart: Why, it's KITTYPET DAY!
ThunderClan: Kittypet day?
Fireheart: Yeah! It's when you bring cats into the forest that are from twolegplace and start dancing around . . . like penguins!
Evil: I like this day! (Dances like a penguin)
ThunderClan: (Stares)
Sandpaw: Wait a minute . . . didn't you mention earlier that you hated kittypets and wanted to kill them all-
Evil: Shut up, lowly apprentice!
Sandpaw: Whatever.
ALL THE CATS IN THE THUNDERCLAN CAMP, EVEN BLUESTAR, DANCED LIKE PENGUINS UNTIL SUNSET
Fireheart: So, Bluey-
Bluestar: DON'T CALL ME THAT!!
Fireheart: Whatever. What will you name the kit?
Bluestar: Cloudkit.
Fireheart: Will you have a ceremony?
Bluestar: No.
Fireheart: Why not?
Bluestar: Because he's the first kit ever to have a name in Clan history and I don't know what to say in a speech. Right, Raincloud?
Raincloud: (Flips through all of the Warriors books) Yup. Bluestar's right.
Bluestar: There. (Begins to walk away, and then turns back to Fireheart) Oh, yeah. You owe us 100,000. (Walks away)

Cinderpaw: RABIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT! (Tries to pounce, but trips over her legs)
Fireheart: Poor you. Just keep reminding yourself that I'm really Fireheart.
Cinderpaw: Sorry. It's just that you look just like a rabbit!
Fireheart: HOW?!
Cinderpaw: . . . I don't know. Raincloud's making me say these things.
Raincloud: Shut up.
Cinderpaw: But-
Raincloud: Shh!
Cinderpaw: But I-
Raincloud: Zilch.
Fireheart: And my time is up, here. Bye, bye! (Runs away)
Cinderpaw: (Lies down and whines like a puppy)
Longtail: Hey, Firedoofus, your baby nephew looks lovely today! (laughs like crazy with Dustpaw)
Fireheart: (Rolls eyes and walks away) Wow, they must be drunk or something.
Bluestar: I agree . . . that everyone must be drunk. You and Graystripe will go to the gathering. I need a bubble bath. (Walks into her den) On second thought, let's all go to the movies . . . wait . . . nope . . . I'll just stay here.
Fireheart: Wooooooooooooow.
AT THE GATHERING
Onewhisker: Hey, Fireheart! Long-time-no-see!
Fireheart: Yeah. Whatever. Listen, I-
Bluestar: SCREEEECH Tonight, I shall murder Yellowfang for feeding me those herbs in attempt to make me insane like the rest of you.
Yellowfang: Leader say what?!
Bluestar: But first I must continue the gathering by saying RIVERCLAN AND SHADOWCLAN HAVE BEEN HUNTING ON OUR TERRITORY!
Crookedstar: NO WE HAVEN'T! IT WAS YOU WHO WAS HUNTING ON OUR TERRITORY!
Tallstar: WE JUST WANTED OUR FREE CHOCOLATE BAR!
Crookedstar: I BET THUNDERCLAN AND WINDCLAN ARE FORMING AN ALLIANCE!
Fireheart: (As the leaders are shouting, he slowly takes earplugs from his pants pocket and puts them in his ears)
Bluestar: WE ARE OUR OWN CLAN! WE DON'T FORM ALLIANCES!
Crookedstar: ALSO, THERE'S BEEN A SPY IN RIVERCLAN WITH A THUNDERCLAN SCENT!
Bluestar: THERE ARE NO SPIES IN OUR CLAN!
Graystripe: (Hides under a blanket)
Nightstar: MY NAME IS NIGHTSTAR!!
Everyone: (Stares)
Tallstar: This gathering is SO over.
Everyone except Nightstar: (Leaves)
Nightstar: . . . what?

Fireheart: Graystripe, we have to talk.
Graystripe: I know what you're going to say: You can't see Silverstream! You can't see Silverstream! Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! How about I just see her at fourtrees? There. Happy?!
FIREHEART IS ABOUT TO NUZZLE GRAYSTRIPE'S FUR, BUT HE RUNS AWAY AND FIREHEART LEANS INTO NOTHING AND ROLLS DOWN A HILL INTO A MUD PUDDLE
Frogs: Ribbit. Ribbit.
Fireheart: No, I'm not a rabbit.
AT THUNDERCLAN
Bluestar: All cats old enough to catch their own prey join beneath the high-rock for a clan meeting.
Clan: (Gathers)
Bluestar: Alright, clan, RiverClan and ShadowClan are threatening alliance. We must increase patrols and stuff. Good night.
Sandpaw: Short meeting huh, Firepaw?
Firepaw: GAH! (Runs to den)
MORNING
Cloudkit: Hey, Fireheart!
Fireheart: Hey.
Cloudkit: (In a man voice) let's play some MOSSBALL!
Fireheart: (Astonished by his nephew's voice change) O . . . K.
Cloudkit: (Throws mossball)
Fireheart: (Accidently hits Evil in the head with the ball) Oops.
Evil: (Falls over) AAAH! THE AGONY!
Fireheart/Cloudtail: Run! (Both run away)
Fireheart: (To self) I suddenly have a strange feeling that Evil might've run Cinderpaw over with a monster . . . Nah.
Sandpaw: Ready to go, Fireheart?
Fireheart: GAH! (Runs behind Mousefur)
Sandpaw: What's up with Fireheart?
Mousefur: Isn't it obvious? He likes you.
Fireheart: NOOOO! (Hits self in head with thesaurus)
Mousefur: Aw, look. He misses you!
Whitestorm: Lez go ya'll. (Patrol leaves)
AT SNAKEROCKS
Mousefur: ShadowClan!
Fireheart: You could've said that before we got here. There are photographs of clowns scattered all over the place.
Sandpaw: You could've said that after we started exploring. (Whacks Fireheart with a dictionary)
Fireheart: STOP WHACKING ME WITH THESAURUSES!
Sandpaw: It's a DICTIONARY!
Fireheart: We'll get revenge!
Sandpaw: For me hitting you with books?
Fireheart: No, for ShadowClan trespassing on our territory!
AT CAMP
Yellowfang: Let me guess: Brokenstar is about to attack our camp.
Mousefur: No! ShadowClan's on our territory!
Evil: Every warrior except for Fireheart, follow me! (They leave)
A TUMBLEWEED ROLLS THROUGH THE DESERTED CAMP
Fireheart: Haikupaw, go find Evil and tell him not to attack ShadowClan.
Dustpaw: Why?
Yellowfang: These clown pictures are obviously from Brokenstar and his clownish crew.
Haikupaw: (Leaves)
Dustpaw: Fireheart, why did you send Haikupaw? He'll send Evil and everyone else through Raincloud's prop windows!
Sandpaw: Tough hedgehogs. I think it was very wise of Fireheart.
Fireheart: Shudders
One-eye: EEK! It's Brokenstar!
Brokenstar: Are you the last warrior in the camp?
Fireheart: No. Sandp . . . claw's a warrior.
Sandpaw: Aw, Fireheart! (Throws thesaurus at him)
Fireheart: (Ducks and thesaurus knocks Brokenstar over)
Sandpaw: You weren't supposed to duck, you lovable idiot.
Brokenstar: We were only taking a survey to see how well defended each camp was, but now you've made us angry. Attack!

Sandstorm: I'll help Fireheart find Cloudkit!
Fireheart: Okay.
Sandstorm: But I have to do something first before we leave.
Fireheart: What?
Sandstorm: (Hits Fireheart with a snowball)
Fireheart: That was cold!
Sandstorm: Duh. It's snow. (Both leave)
AT CLOUDKIT
Fireheart: CLOUDKIT! WHERE ARE YOU?
Cloudkit: Over here!
Fireheart: There you are!
Cloudkit: (Hits Fireheart with a snowball)
Fireheart: Hey!
Cloudkit: Throwing snowballs is the style now, Fireheart. Try it!
Fireheart: (Throws snowball at Cloudkit)
Cloudkit: What did you do that for?
Fireheart: But you just told me to-
Cloudkit: Throwing snowballs is SOOOO three seconds ago!
Fireheart: Oh. Sorry.
Sandstorm: You don't have to be sorry that you're so old fashioned. Some cats are just like that.
Fireheart: Grr . . .
AT CAMP
Fireheart: Here's Cloudkit.
Raincloud: Thank you, Fireheart. He has broken the warrior code and Bluestar wants him to know that.
Fireheart: Got it.
LATER
Fireheart: Good catch, Cloudpaw!
Cloudpaw: (Rides away on Barkface's back)
Barkface: (Whinnies)
Spottedleaf: There's a battle coming, Fireheart. I love you.
Fireheart: Am I going to die?
Spottedleaf: Beware a warrior you cannot trust.
Fireheart: . . . so I WILL die?
Spottedleaf: (Dissapears)
Cloudpaw: (From across the forest) TWIX IS BETTER THAN KOALAS! (Explodes)
Fireheart: (Wakes up) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO . . . A warrior I cannot trust?
HE LOOKS AT THE TWO WARRIORS, GRAYSTRIPE AND EVIL. GRAYSTRIPE IS JUST SLEEPING IN HIS NEST AND EVIL HAS NEON ARROWS POINTING AT HIM THAT READ WARRIOR THAT CANNOT BE TRUSTED.
Fireheart: I get it, Spottedleaf: I cannot trust Graystripe

THE NEXT MORNING
Barkface: (From across the forest) WE'RE BEING ATTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACKED!! Explodes
Evil: The nutty medicine cat is right! They're being attacked!
Bluestar: Like he's the only nutty cat in this forest. (Glares at ThunderClan) Ugh.
Fireheart: Barkface is crazy. How do you know WindClan's really being attacked?
Evil: I don't know.
Fireheart: . . . Good enough for me.
Evil: I want some warriors to come with me to WindClan. Let's MOVE!
Fireheart: I'll come!
Graystripe: I'll come!
Fireheart: Oh, gosh.
SOME WARRIORS LEAVE AS A BOTTLE OF HAIRSPRAY FALLS FROM THE SKY
Yellowfang: (Comes out of den) this could be useful.
MEANWHILE
Willowpelt: Evil, we're being followed!
Evil: HIDE! (Everyone hides in a bush)
Cloudkit: Where is everyone? They probably died.
All the kits: (Lower heads with grief)
Cloudkit: Let's go back to the camp. (All the kits leave)
Evil: Aw. I kinda wanted Fireheart to take them back so that he misses the battle.
Fireheart: What did you just say?
Evil: NOTHING! (Thinking to self) did I say that out loud?
Fireheart: Yes.
Evil: !!
AT THE BATTLE
Graystripe: (Throws dynamite at the cats)
ShadowClan: (Run away)
Dynamite: (Doesn't explode)
Graystripe: It was a fake!
Runningwind: Nice.
Fireheart: Die, Silverstream! (Attacks Silverstream)
Silverstream: Wha . . . why are you attacking me? Puss-in-boots eyes
Fireheart: (Let's Silverstream go)
Leopardfur: RABBIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!
Fireheart: (As Leopardfur pounces) NOOOOOOOOO!
Leopardfur: I will get revenge for you calling me a kuku bird! (Rips Fireheart)
Fireheart: AAAAAAAAH! Evil! Help me!
Evil: Why would I help you? (Pulls out camera) I'm making a documentary about your pathetic life: The Rabbit . . . (starts filming) come on, Rabbit! I need more pitiful mewling!
Fireheart: Not today. (Flings Leopardfur to Australia)
Willowpelt: Hey, Fireheart! You fought really well. The battle is over.
Fireheart: Insanity.
Evil: Fireheart, I saw you letting a RiverClan she-cat go. Why?
Fireheart: She gave me 50 to let her go.
Evil: (Thinks) I guess I would've done that too. You're off the hook.
Fireheart: Thanks! (Bounces away)
Graystripe: Fireheart, thanks for letting Silverstream go.
Fireheart: I have to apologize for trying to get you and Silverstream away from each other. It's your life.
Graystripe: Then thanks for letting me live it.
THE TWO LAY DOWN NEXT TO EACH OTHER UNTIL THEY FINALLY REALIZED THAT EVERYONE HAD LEFT.
MEANWHILE
Leopardfur: (Lands in Australia) that's it. No more attacking rabbits . . . (looks over her to her left and finds a cat sitting next to her).
Darkstripe: (Waves) hey.
Leopardfur: How'd you get here?
Darkstripe: Kicked.
Leopardfur: Flung.
Darkstripe: Nice. (Does secret handshake with Leopardfur)
Raincloud: (Appears in a puff of smoke) Hi.
Leopardfur: How'd YOU get here?
Raincloud: I'm a parody writer. I can go where I want.
Yellowfang: (Appears in a puff of hairspray) Hi.
Leopardfur/Darkstripe: (Stare at Raincloud)
Raincloud: Don't look at me. I didn't bring her here.
Leopardfur/Darkstripe: (Continue staring)
Raincloud: Okay, maybe I did bring her here. But I kinda wanted to end the story with the Warriors theme song.
Darkstripe: Warriors has a theme song?
Yellowfang: (Plays the Warriors theme song on her violin)