ORIGINAL

A blond-haired blue-eyed substitute…

It keeps playing in my head the entire time he's berating me for my "do over" with Sonny in the back of the limo. He has a right to be mad, I give him that. I am, after all, his wife and he's…

"Your blue-eyed blond-haired substitute," my conscience finishes for me oh so smugly.

Jax stops ranting for a moment and I suppose he's waiting for me to say something but for the life of me…I have no idea what he said that I'm supposed to respond too. I am so damn irrational sometimes it amazes me. Because what I truly want to say, what I'm dying to say, I can't. Because what I want to do is ask him why in the hell he's so pissed off about my tryst with Sonny. Hell in my mind if anyone has the right to be pissed at me it's…

"Your blond-haired blue-eyed original." My conscience offers up graciously.

"Carly, won't you even bother to deny it?" Jax asks utterly dumbfounded.

I scramble and take a safe approach. "Why? Whatever I say you won't believe me anyway. We both know where this is going Jax. Your bags are probably still packed from the last time you left me. I'm sure Brenda is waiting so why don't you just leave?"

His jaw drops. "You're throwing me out?"

"I decided to try something new for a change." I shrugged suddenly feeling better but at the same time feeling like crap, if that's possible. "My biggest fear is being abandoned and I thought you would be the one I could trust not to leave but you've left, Jax. Over and over again you've left and I've begged, stunted and clawed my way back into your life and bed and I'm tired. Yes I made a mistake with Sonny. I was overwhelmed with grief. I felt I'd made a mistake taking Michael to that place and I wanted to go back and get him. I LOST IT in the back of the limo and Sonny was there. He calmed me and he cried with me and somewhere in there we made a colossally stupid mistake. I regret it, he regrets it. I apologize for it but that's where it ends. I'm not going to beg just to have you walk out the door anyway."

He lifts his chin. "Then I guess there's nothing more for us to say."

"Yes there is." I walk closer to him and kiss him softly on those beautiful lips. "Goodbye Jax."

He lingers for a moment before drawing away. "Goodbye Carly."

Once he's gone I collapse. It may have been the right thing to do but now I find myself back where I always seem to be…alone. I don't do alone very well. I never have. As much as Laney tried to drill that "independent woman I don't need a man" anthem into my head I kept coming back to the conclusion she obviously hasn't experienced the exquisite delight of having a man like Jason Morgan in her bed. I mean don't get me wrong I'm all for women lib but there are some things a woman just can't do for herself despite the advancement of modern technology. I don't mean sex either. Get your mind out the gutter.

Jason Morgan, my best friend, one time lover, lifelong crush, protector, my greatest confidant. He has my back. I don't doubt that. I love my children, I'm crazy about junk food and Jason has my back. Three things I know like I know the sun will rise and fall.

The only thing I would change about him is his taste in women, present company excluded. I honestly think I'm the only thing in his life he's ever chosen for himself. Smug I know but true. We met when he was just learning who he was. He didn't know right and wrong, good or bad. He just knew what he liked and didn't like and when he saw me…he liked. He liked a lot and he had me…a lot. Those nights and mornings we spent at Jake's is probably the only time I've seen Jason just be…Jason. He shot pool, he drank beer straight from the bottle, he beat people down and he sexed me up. It was pure and simple.

There was no Sonny controlling him. There was no Robin "educating" him. Hell if they knew him at all they'd have known he could figure things out on his own; his version, not everyone else's. Jason had it right back then. Life was simple and sometimes simple is best.

"Ah well." I stretch a little as I stand. "Spilt milk under the bridge because everything went the way it went and that opened the door for little Lizzie." I head upstairs to change then stop to tell Mercedes I'm heading out.

"Is everything okay Carly?" Mercedes eyes the woman cautiously having heard most of the fight between Mr. and Mrs. Jacks.

I smile at her sadly. It's time like these when not having Leticia to talk to really hits home. Mercedes has been great and Morgan loves her but Leticia was family. She'd been with me from the beginning and with Michael even longer. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if Leticia had been home when Kate came to take Michael but I quickly stop myself from that line of thinking. It's wasted time.

I simply say, "It will be." I kiss Morgan on his sleeping head and leave.