Disclaimer: I've only read this book once, so most of the facts and much of the tone are WAY off, I know. Mostly I'm making fun of the plot... or lack thereof. And there's no way I would ever read this book again, even for the good of the parody. ...Oh, did you really need me to say I'm not Stephenie Meyer? Because I'm not, thank GOD.

If you're going to be offended by my mockery of this pretender to Harry Potter's throne, this is your last chance to turn away.

Once upon a time, there was me. Bella Swan. I'm "just an ordinary girl" who "doesn't fit in".

"Sigh," I sighed to myself upon moving to the dreary middle of nowhere in Forks, Washington. "I'm just an ordinary girl who doesn't fit in."

"Don't be ridiculous," said my dad, who I liked to call Charlie because I was a little punk. "I'm sure you'll be one of the prettiest, smartest, most popular girls in school, beloved by all who know you."

"But that would sure make for a boring novel, Charlie," I protested.

"My name's Ted, sweetie, not Charlie," he told me gently. "And what do you mean, 'novel'—"

"Look, Charlie, I haven't got time to chat, it's time for me to go to school." And so I went to school, where I was mobbed by my adoring peers who somehow failed to notice what a little bitch I was. I mean, not that I have that amount of self-awareness. Or really, any self-awareness at all… Forget I said anything.

"Oh my gawd!!" shrieked a girl who decided she was my best friend… I already forgot what her name was. "It's, like, super exciting to eat lunch with a new girl! And because I'm human and not a vampire and therefore not worthy of being written well, I'm going to be an obnoxious ditz for the rest of this novel! Like, LOL!"

"Bella, you's so pretty," drooled this kid from my something-or-other class. His name was either Mark or Julio or Boris or something like that, but I can't be bothered to remember things like those people's names. Because that was when I saw… HIM.

He was the hottest person I had ever seen EVER, even counting the nekkid guys in those dirty magazines I used to sneak out of my mom's nightstand, back in heaven on Earth, which is Phoenix, Arizona, and not Disney World, Orange County, or even Vatican City. What was I saying? Oh yeah, cute boy. I mentally drooled looking at this boy's perfect teeth, his flawless nostrils, his exquisite earlobes, his bulging… biceps. If the sun had ever come out from behind the perpetual rain clouds of Weirdest-Town-Name-Ever, Washington, I was sure his skin would have sparkled. He bore a strong resemblance to Cedric Diggory from the Harry Potter movie… except for his bloodshot eyes, which were positively swoon-worthy.

"Bella?" Boris-whoever tapped me on the shoulder. "You're drooling into your pudding cup."

"Don't bother me," I muttered. "I have to spend the next 200 pages thinking borderline-impure thoughts about that boy over there."

"You mean… Edward Cullen?" said Girl-Whose-Name-I've-Forgotten.

"Yeeeeeeeeeessssssss…" I said swoonily, walking absentmindedly out of the cafeteria and into the next 200 pages of the book, which were pretty uneventful, really. I cooked a lot for my dad, and went to a lot of classes, and I thought many borderline-impure thoughts about Edward Cullen, but I never talked to him or did anything else of interest. I tried every excuse in the metaphorical book to go talk to him; I even followed him halfway home once, but he never said a word to me. He was kind of terrified of me. I can't imagine why.

Oh yeah, and then there was this time that I almost got hit by a truck, but Edward freakishly saved me with freakish strength and speed. And that's when I knew he was special. Since he was my lab partner, I decided to thank him for his brave deeds.

Sitting down to him, I tried to say "Hi, Edward," but it came out more like "mmphmmm" because of how much I was drooling over him.

"I'm not a vampire!" Edward yelled back at me, his beautiful bloodshot eyes bugging out at me.

"Whaaaaaaaaaat?" I murmured, too dumbstruck by the melodic tones of his voice to register his words.

"I said, 'I'm not a vampire'!" he screamed, jumping up and sprinting out of the classroom.

"Except that he totally is," whispered Jacob, the only other boy in this book whose name I could bother to remember.

I gasped dramatically. "Jacob! There's no need to be jealous of Edward! I mean, just because he's my soulmate and you're the boy I'll jerk around for 3-something novels, that's no reason to be mean to him!"

"I'm not being mean," Jacob said slowly.

"But I could be mean if you wanted me to," his grandfather Billy said, sneaking up behind us. He nodded at Jacob. "'Sup, Jake. How you likin' that death trap truck o' yours, girlie?"

"It sucks, just like Forks," I muttered, surly as a dwarf.

"Tell Ted I said hi," Billy said cryptically before slinking away again.

I turned to Jacob. "Who's 'Ted'?" I asked, completely confused.

"That's your dad's name," he replied.

"Ohh, you mean Charlie!" I realized.

"Anyway, if you don't believe me about Edward, just use the internets," Jacob said "sagely" before disappearing for practically the rest of the novel.

And so I used the internets to research vampires. I found some pretty freaky stuff which actually would have explained a lot about Edward and his family. But I still didn't think Edward was a vampire, even if he was super strong and fast and hot and regularly drank deer blood out of a thermos. So one day, I decided to just ask him.

"Hey Edward, are you a vampire?"

"Aw man, you figured it out!" He hung his head. "Please don't come after me with a stake!!" he pleaded, his eyes getting wide and fearful.

"I won't!" I promised. "I think vampires are hot!"

He squealed in delight. "That means we can be soul mates!!"

"Hooray!" I squealed back, hugging him tightly.

"Dammit, Bella!" he roared, pushing my hands away. "Don't touch me!"

"Oh, okay," I said sadly. My lower lip trembled.

"Ohh, don't be sad!" He brushed my face with his thumb. "You're cute! And I love you!"

I squealed happily. "I love you too! Finally, I'm not the first one to say it!" I grabbed him by the lips and tried to make out with him, rather clumsily.

He pushed me away angrily. "Do you wanna die?!" he asked me furiously.

"Noo…" I said slowly, crushing the wishes of many feminist girls reading my book. "Wait… if you love me, why won't you touch me?" I wondered if a relationship with Jacob would be this confusing.

"It sucks, I know." He looked sadly into the distance. "It's my cross to bear," he said dramatically.

I looked at him and his sparkly perfection, starry-eyed. "Why me?" I asked dreamily.

"Why you… what?" he asked, completely baffled.

"Why'd you choose me as your soulmate-slash-stalkee?"

"Oh, that." He laughed heartily. "That's an easy one. You smell nice."

"Oh, okay!" I giggled. I ran over to glomp him; his skin was cold and hard and sparkly. It was rather like hugging a large boulder of quartz.

"What did I say about staying the fuck away from me?!" he screamed as he threw me to the ground.

I decided to write off Edward's considerable bipolarism as simply a part of his mystery… and, by extension, his hotness. "Tell me everything there is to know about you," I begged.

"Well, sad life story (Ifollowedyouandwatchedyousleepforlikesixmonths) and I have this family of vamp buddies (mybipolarismislikelytoleadtoviolentoutburstsfornogoodreason) and I can read minds, but just not yours for some reason that we'll never explain (ourrelationshipisbuiltsolelyonphysicalattractionandifeitherofusevergotuglywe'dbreakup) and I sparkle (I'llmakeyougiveupyourlifedreamssinceyoudon'thaveanyyet) so all in all, that's all you need to know about me," he explained.

Only one part of this had stuck with me. "Sparkling's pretty cool!" I enthused. "Can I be a vampire too?!"

"Bella! No!" he moaned. "It's too dangerous! I can't do that to you! You'd be giving up your own life for a person (pleasespendeternitywithme) you've only known a few months!"

I would have responded, but some semblance of a plot happened then. Some evil vampires attacked, and I met the rest of his vamp family, and I almost died out of stupidity, but Edward saved me because I'm the consummate damsel in distress. Only, you know, without the consummation part. What?

"Thanks for saving me, Eddie!" I whispered from my hospital bed.

He chuckled. "Please. Call me Edward."

"Can I be a vampire now?"

"No."

"…How about now?"

He shook his head firmly. "I've got a better idea. How about PROM?!"

I sneered. "Prom is for losers."

"Aww, come on!" he insisted. "It'll be fun! We can get all dressed up and get our picture taken and eat petit-fours…"

His "sister" Alice scoffed. "Edward, you're such a girl." Then she did something awesome that made most readers wish this novel was about her instead of me.

"And I SO don't want to go to prom," I insisted to Edward. "It'll be lame, and the music will suck, and I look horrible in long dresses, and the shoes'll hurt my feet, and I don't like anyone who'll be there…"

But he took me to the prom anyway. Jerk.