Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nor does this represent my personal views. The part at the beginning belongs to William Goldman, the author of the Princess bride.
AN: Ha… this story ended up pretty different than from what I intended it. It was pretty serious…. And then Remus decided the two ways he wanted to die. Enjoy!
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Backpfeifengesicht
The year that Buttercup was born, the most beautiful woman in the world was a French scullery maid named Annette. Annette worked in Paris for the Duke and Duchess de Guiche, and it did not escape the Duke's notice that someone extraordinary was polishing the pewter. The Duke's notice did not escape the notice of the Duchess either, who was not very beautiful and not very rich, but plenty smart. The Duchess set about studying Annette and shortly found her adversary's tragic flaw.
Chocolate.
Armed now, the Duchess set to work. The Palace de Guiche turned into a candy castle. Everywhere you looked, bonbons. There were piles of chocolate-covered mints in the drawing rooms, baskets of chocolate-covered nougats in the parlors.
Annette never had a chance. Inside a season, she went from delicate to whopping, and the Duke never glanced in her direction without sad bewilderment clouding his eyes. (Annette, it might be noted, seemed only cheerier throughout her enlargement. She eventually married the pastry chef and they both ate a lot until old age claimed them. Things, it might also be noted, did not fare so cheerily for the Duchess. The Duke, for reasons passing understanding, next became smitten with his very own mother-in-law, which caused the Duchess ulcers, only they didn't have ulcers yet. More precisely, ulcers existed, people had them, but they weren't called "ulcers". The medical profession at that time called them "stomach pains" and felt the best cure was coffee dolloped with brandy twice a day until the pains subsided. The Duchess took the mixture faithfully, watching through the years as her husband and her mother blew kisses at each other behind her back. Not surprisingly, the Duchess's grumpiness became legendary, as Voltaire has so ably chronicled. Except this was before Voltaire.)
The year before Buttercup turned ten, the most beautiful woman lived in Bengal-
"Okay, STOP READING!"
Remus looked up from the book he was reading. "Why?"
"That is the most inappropriate book I have ever heard! You call that a fairy tale?" Peter demanded, eying the book. It was a fat book, with a green cover, and fading gold letters that read "The Princess Bride".
"The Princess Bride is a classic! You would know that if you were a book lover like me!" Remus defended.
"Yeah, sure. But it's not for kids," Peter emphasized, gesturing at the two dark-haired babies on a blanket on the floor.
"They should be introduced to the classics at a young age!"
"Not this young. Besides, Harry and Neville have no interest in the most beautiful women in the world!"
"But I do!" Sirius announced from his corner, where he was observing his eyelashes in a mirror, and combing them to perfection. "They're women to match my own beauty! If they existed, I'd ask each one of them out!"
"The first one ends up fat, the second one gets pockmarks, the third one has wrinkles," Remus added, helpfully.
"Oh," Sirius said, grimacing. "I will never get any of those imperfections! Never!"
"No kidding," Peter muttered under his breath. "Now, Moony, you really need to choose another book to read to the kids. I don't think that Lily, Alice, Frank, and James will want to find out when they come back to collect their kids, that Harry and Neville have been brain-washed to support vanity, and believe it is normal for a guy to flirt with his mother-in-law."
And that was especially because the two sets of parents might have been planning to marry a future daughter of Lily and James to Neville. And poor Neville wouldn't make it out alive if he was blowing kisses to Lily. Not with James, anyway.
"There is nothing wrong with being vain!" Sirius protested, until he realized that keeping his current facial expression, he'd get wrinkles, so he went back to his neutral face.
"Right… anyway, Remus, aren't there any other fairy-tales you could read the boys?"
"Well, I haven't read Babitty Rabitty yet…"
"NO!" Sirius yelled, quite forgetting his anti-wrinkle face. "That's about an ugly-old hag! I will NOT listen to that! And neither will Harry or Neville!"
"So much for no vanity…" Peter sighed, but listened to Sirius. Sirius, you see, was perfectly capable of killing a person with his left thumb alone, if his beauty was threatened.
"Well, I've already read pretty much every other kids' book ever known to man," Remus pointed out, waving his arm behind him at the large pile of childrens' books behind him, which had attracted several old librarians who lived in the cul-de-sac.
"Well, then what do we do to distract the kids?" Peter pondered, looking at the one-year-olds crawling towards Sirius' large beauty kit, installed into the corner of Lily and James' house, sprawling over a table. Sirius was squealing, and standing on a stool to escape the babies, who he claimed would burp, and cry, and throw-up all over his perfection.
Peter shook his head, and cursed the fact that his four friends decided that they all needed a weekend vacation from taking care of their children. That was what you get when you have children when you're twenty, Peter thought, chastising them in his head.
"Hey, what if we tell them how their parents got together?" Remus asked.
"With all of those curse-words? Ha! No way!"
"Well, if you think about it, if we tell in fairy-tale style, it's not too shabby a story…"
"Maybe… but make sure not to add the part about Sirius flashing his 'beautiful manly parts to the world'. Please."
"Hey! The world deserves a few glimpses of perfection!"
"Right… now, if you don't mind, Remus…"
"Alright. Once upon a time, there were two princes and two princesses"-
"Ooh! I'm one of them, right?" Sirius asked earnestly. He always thought he was worthy of being a prince.
"Er… no. You can be a duke."
"A handsome duke?"
"No. An ugly duke."
Sirius' features started mal-forming, and he started to pull out his wand, so Peter quickly butted in, crying, "Kidding!"
"Moving on. So Prince James and Princess Alice lived in a kingdom called…. Marauder. And Prince Frank and Princess Lily lived in a kingdom called, er… The Kingdom Next Door."
"And," Peter added, "there were three dukes in Marauder. Duke Peter, Duke Remus, and Duke Sirius. Wait… actually, it was Marquis Sirius. Ha!"
Sirius pouted, until he remembered his anti-wrinkle face. "But Marquis Sirius was gorgeous!"
"Sure. Now can I go on?" Remus asked irritatedly.
Peter and Sirius nodded sheepishly. Except, not Sirius. He was currently admiring his flawless skin.
"So, Prince Frank thought that Princess Alice was the most beautiful princess in the world. He told this to Princess Lily, and decided to ask Princess Alice's hand in marriage….
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"She's gorgeous…" Frank sighed to Lily.
"Who?" Lily asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Alice!" Frank replied, as if it was obvious.
"Right..." Lily answered, turning back to the book she had pulled out, while they were waiting for the bell to ring, and Slughorn to enter his classroom.
"I'm going to ask her out!"
"You are?"
"I am!"
"Uh-huh…"
"Lily, are you even listening?" Frank asked, waving a hand in front of Lily's face.
"Frank!" she hissed. "That was my book on quills!"
Frank shuffled his chair away from Lily. She didn't like to be disturbed when she was focusing on quills. She was an avid collector.
Frank mumbled his apology, and observed his hands until Lily, keeping her eyes focused on the page, asked, "So, when were you planning to ask out Alice?"
"Er… I hadn't quite thought that out. Um… what do you think she'll say?"
"Frank, stop being a sissy. You're asking her out. After dinner."
"But Lily, what if it yabu hebi ni naru? Then what?"
Lily looked up from her book for the first time, and asked, "What does that one mean? Japanese, right?"
"Yep. It means to backfire. Literally, it's to poke at a bush and get a snake."
"Right. Well, it's a great book, and it's widened your mind and all. But, if I ever hear you use it to lessen your self-esteem even more, I will have to toss it in the fire. Or," Lily paused, and smirked, knowing what she was saying was cruel and heartless, "I'll have to give it to Remus."
Frank's eyes widened. "No. I've seen his hoard of books… I'll never get it back!"
"Then stop degrading yourself in foreign languages!"
Frank sighed. "Fine…"
"Now. You will ask Alice out after dinner. Or else."
Frank nodded reluctantly. After he tired of twiddling his thumbs, and experimenting with twiddling them vertically, he had a thought, and asked Lily, "Lily, why are you so interested in me asking out Alice? It's not like you ever paid her much attention."
Lily sighed, and again tore her eyes away from the page she was currently reading. "Look, Frank, I'm tired of you reading that book every night. It's pretty sad. Most guys our age are off in a broom closet after dinner. Not memorizing a dictionary."
"It's not a dictionary! It is a book with interesting foreign phrases!"
"Whatever! What I'm trying to say is you need a hobby!"
"I do! I"-
"I know you are interested in other cultures, but there's a line. And you're way past it. I think that you'd be happier with a girlfriend!"
Frank started to nod, but only got halfway through, when he retorted, "That's real hypocritical of you. Look at you! You're buffing your collection of quills every-night! You could use a boyfriend yourself!"
Lily snorted. "The only guy who would think of asking me out is Potter. Seeing as Potter scares off everyone else."
"Well, you could ask someone out! Or, even better, you could just go out with James!"
"With that prick? Yeah right! That'd be- that'd be- er, what's that phrase you gave me the other day? You know, the Russian one, about biting your elbows?"
"Kusat' sebe lokti."
"Yeah! It'd be kusat' sebe lokti for me! Like biting my elbows!"
"Excuse me, may I sit here?"
Lily and Frank swiveled their heads at almost exactly the same point, and looked up at the blond girl gesturing to the seat at the Potions table beside Lily.
"The other seats are all taken," said the girl, who was looking faintly nervous. Lily was renowned for her temper.
"Sure," Lily said, still in a bit of shock.
That blond girl had been Alice.
Alice Prewett.
Frank's Alice.
But, before Lily could coax Frank in to asking her out right then and there, Professor Slughorn walked in cheerily, apologizing for being late. The lesson was begun, with Lily fervently taking notes.
Frank could only be grateful for Slughorn's timing.
Alice seemed kind of lost, as she had missed class the past two days. (Yes, Frank paid attention to these details. Frank looked for her every morning, although, he had tried to stop himself repreatedly, it seemed that he couldn't help but look for her, and strategically plan the best way to stare at Alice's beauty without being noticed. Alice had been absent the past two lessons, due to the fact she was injured in a Quidditch game on the weekend before, and Madame Pomfrey had been very strict about making sure she did not have a concussion. This Frank knew, because he was on the Gryffindor Quidditch team with Alice. That had been quite handy, as it gave Frank a valid excuse to be near her. Of course, it had also given James Potter, the Gryffindor Quidditch captain, excuse enough to bellow at him every practice for not keeping his eye on the ball, and letting quite a few Quaffles through the hoops.)
Frank, quite sporadically, passed Alice his Potions notes from the previous lessons, behind Lily. Alice glanced at the notes, and up at him, giving Frank a beaming smile in thanks.
Needless to say, Frank was quite ecstatic through the remnant of the lesson, and caused Lily to ask him several times if someone had attacked him with a Cheering Charm lately.
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"Geez, Potions. Could it get any harder?" James pondered as he exited the dungeons with his friends.
"I can't believe that today's lesson wasn't in the book," Remus complained.
"Yes, because you can't learn anything if you don't read it in a book," Peter replied, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
"Yes, exactly! It's just easier for me to read the information on my own!" Remus agreed.
"I'll be glad to go to Potions the day we learn those prettifying potions," Sirius said. "But, why would I ever need to use something to stop death? Or whatever today's lesson was… Oooh! That window over there is so threatening, with its drapery and all!"
"Yep, curtains, they'll kill you one day," James snickered.
"Anyway," Remus continued, "how was I supposed to follow along, with Slughorn going at top speed? I swear, Slughorn's going to be the reason I fail my Potions NEWT…"
"Yep. He's a backpfeifengesicht, isn't he?" Peter asked.
The other three boys stopped in their tracks, and stared at Peter.
"What? I got it from Frank's book. You know, the one with the foreign phrases and stuff?"
"Yeah, I figured that," James said. "But what does it mean?"
"Oh, it's… German, I think, for a face that cries out for a fist in it."
Again, the marauders were staring. What was going through their minds at that point?
Sirius summed it up in one word.
"Wicked."
"I'll have to remember that one," Remus said thoughtfully.
"Nice," James said, clapping Peter on the back.
As they were walking up to dinner, joking around, Sirius pondered aloud, to nobody in particular, "How many people in Hogwarts do you suppose are a backpfeifengesicht?"
Thinking it was just a random inquiry, Sirius went on, bullying James about his oversized knees, not realizing how relevant that thought was going to be in not too long.
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Alice looked up as the bell rang, and cursed the fact she hadn't finished copying Frank's notes yet.
Frank….
He was so dreamy.
Alice had always figured that, and pestered her friends talking about his cuteness. Of course, she had never seriously considered dating him. She knew he was dreamy, but why should she date him if she doesn't even know whether he's more than that? Besides, her friends had always frowned on the idea of her dating Frank Longbottom. He wasn't even on their top ten hottest boys in Hogwarts list (though, he did make number eleven, as her friends constantly "forgot"). And, since fifth year, Alice had been, with Benjy Fenwick, an on and off item. Alice always felt he seemed more like a friend-who-happened-to-be-a-guy to her, but her friends always pressured her into getting back together.
Some friends.
Currently, Alice and Benjy were in the 'off' mode, and Alice was certain that she was going to be under a lot of pressure to get back with Benjy at dinner tonight.
But Alice couldn't seem to get Frank off her mind.
"Frank?" she asked, lightly tapping him on the shoulder. "Here are your notes."
Frank glanced at the notes, and then asked, "Did you finish copying them?"
"Oh, I didn't have the time. But the notes I copied were really helpful"-
Frank cut her off, and placed the notes back in her hands, saying, "I don't need the notes right now. Take them. You can give them back after you've finished copying them."
Alice blanked.
Was it physically possible for a guy to be this nice?
It was like Frank was from the twenties, when guys were gentlemen.
Benjy had never done so much as hold a door for her…
Alice snapped out of it just in time to see Lily nudge Frank, and point her head over her shoulder. Right around where Alice was.
Alice raised her eyebrow. What was that about?
She shrugged it off, and continued shoving her books in her bag. She was just carefully placing Frank's notes on top of her books, when something caught her eye.
It was the quill at Lily's place at the table. It was glossy black, with a bluish hue, and every single fiber looked in place.
Lily turned around, and caught her staring, and answered Alice's unformed question. "It's from a nightingale. Yep, genuine feather. None of this new fake feather stuff in it."
Alice let out a low breath. "It's gorgeous. Where'd you get it?"
Lily looked down at her hands. "My… sister gave it to me… before she turned into a jerk…"
Noting the pained expression on Lily's face, Alice inquired no further on the subject.
"So, you have any other cool quills?"
Lily's face brightened. "Oh, I have a lot of quills. I collect them, you see. And I'll even pluck the feather myself."
Alice raised her eyebrows at that. "Do you have a lot of quills?"
"Oh yeah, I've got hundreds of quills... well, actually, forty-nine, but close enough, right? Anyway, I've got quills from all over the world, Spain, Brazil, Japan, Egypt... and from a lot of birds; pigeons, peacocks, penguins, partridges, phoenixes, hippogriffs..."
"Hippogriffs?" Alice questioned dubiously. "If you plucked the feather, wouldn't that be dangerous?"
"Yeah, that's how I got this scar, right here..." Lily replied, rubbing a section of skin between her thumb and her forefinger.
Alice shook her head amusedly, said her goodbyes, and made her way up to the Great Hall. Her friends would be waiting to lecture her on the benefits of dating Benjy Fenwick.
But, Alice couldn't get Frank out of her head. He had been so nice, so courteous. It wasn't as though Benjy was a jerk or something… but, he wasn't a Frank.
Frank… Frank had just been so… there wasn't a word to describe it… he had just been Frank. Just being himself was so much…
Before she knew it, she was in the Great Hall, and her friends were staring up at her. Alice bit her lip.
"So," Hestia said. "Were you planning on joining us?"
"Um… Alice… they wanted to talk to you, about… you know…" Marlene said quietly.
"Sit down," Dorcas commanded. Alice complied, string down at her plate.
"We think it's time you got back together with Benjy," Hestia said simply.
"Why?" Alice demanded. "Why do I have to get back together with him?"
"He's popular!" Dorcas cried. "He's cute! What more could you want? He doesn't make you, and in turn, us, look stupid!"
Alice stared disgustedly at her friends. They'd never been so frank before…
"He's nice," Marlene said slowly. "It's better than dating someone like Snape, and you know it."
"Alice, we're sick of you constantly breaking up with him, and you know that you're the one breaking up with him, not the other way round. You need to stick with one guy," Dorcas urged.
"Preferably someone popular," Hestia added.
"Yes," Dorcas agreed. "And that's Benjy."
"Guys! I don't have to date him if I don't want to! It's my choice! Not yours!" Alice protested.
"Well, who else would you date? Who could possibly compete with Benjy?" Dorcas insisted.
"Do you have a crush on someone?" Marlene asked softly.
"Maybe," Alice said, turning her head away from her friends.
"There is no way that whoever your crush is could compete with Benjy," Dorcas stated.
"Well, then why don't you date him?" Alice cried at her friend. "But, no! You're forcing me to date a guy I don't even like!"
"Well, someday you'll realize Benjy is better than whoever you like!"
Alice slammed her palm on the table. "What do you want me to say? That 'Longbottom is an idiot'?"
"Longbottom is an idiot!" Dorcas exclaimed, getting up from her seat. "And what does this have to do with- oh… oh no… Not him?"
Alice nodded bitterly.
"That- him- No. Look. I'll give you an ultimatum. Get back with Benjy, or leave."
Alice got up. There was a point at which her friends just sickened her. "Bye."
Alice turned her back, and headed down the table.
"Alice!" Marlene cried. "Come back! Dorcas didn't know what she was saying!"
"Dorcas!" Hestia hissed. "What were you thinking?"
Alice ignored her friends— ex-friends, and continued down the table, sitting down at the end.
"Alice?" James asked, surprised.
"Hey guys," Alice said, looking sheepish. "You were right. They are berks. Especially Dorcas."
"Knew you'd come back to your senses eventually," Sirius smirked, slapping Alice on the back.
"Nice to have you back aboard," Peter commented.
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"Go ask her out," Lily hissed at Frank after Alice left.
"But"-
"Just do it," Lily ordered, shoving Frank ahead of her in the dank corridor.
Frank was going to insist on not asking her out, but a glare from Lily convinced him otherwise, and he headed off, jogging after Alice.
Frank could feel the butterflies in his stomach. He tried to calm his nerves. Alice was just a girl, not a monster. Right?
Still, he couldn't help but feel a sense of hopelessness.
He was wringing his hands, moist because of his nervousness, when he approached Alice. She was at the Gryffindor table with her friends, about ten feet away.
Frank was about to walk up and somehow muster the courage to ask Alice out, but he was startled as Alice slammed her hand on the table.
He strained his ears to hear what was going on, when he heard it.
-"Longbottom is an idiot"-
It was all he heard, but it was all he needed to hear.
Hurt, Frank trudged back to where Lily had sat down and started her dinner. His eyes were stinging badly.
As Frank threw himself carelessly onto the bench, Lily looked up concernedly.
"Frank," she said softly. "Are you okay?"
"She hates me."
"What happened?" Lily asked, shocked.
"She called me an idiot," Frank said simply.
Lily looked outraged. "How dare she? That little- little bitch. I ought to murder her!"
Lily began to get up, but Frank pulled her down.
"Forget it. Forget her. I just want to forget!" Frank shouted, turning and looking at Lily in the eye angrily.
Lily was shocked speechless, and turned her head down, as she played with her food.
It confused her, how out of character Frank was. But, there was one thing she did know.
Alice would pay.
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"Do my nail beds look dead to you?" Sirius asked, holding out his hands, right under Alice's nose.
"Er… seeing as they look long and clean, no," Alice replied. "And is that nail polish?"
Sirius nodded earnestly. "A little clear nail polish never hurts."
"Right. I'll keep that in mind…"
"So, whose up for some sugar-cramming in the dormitories?" James asked, pulling several large bags of candy out of his bag, grinning.
"Filched it yourself, huh?" Alice asked, smirking.
James shook his head. "Haven't filched anything in two years. And that was only Sirius's pocket mirror, which deserved to be stolen."
"I'm with you there," Alice laughed, causing Sirius to pout. "Yeah... but, isn't that weird chronic disorder thing you have life-long? I mean, the one that makes you steal stuff?"
"Yes," James said, keeping a straight face. "It was nice of you to differentiate, because I have so many chronic disease 'things'."
Alice laughed. "Seriously!"
"Well, mum put me in a weird support group. It helped me learn to control my fingers. You know, keep them from stealing on their own accord."
Alice let out a low whistle. "Bloody hell. And you haven't filched anything in two years?"
"Yep. The group worked well enough that I only filch during extreme emotional distress. I'm glad I went to the group, no matter how dorky it was. See, it was either the support group or putting a straightjacket on my fingers."
Alice snorted.
"Okay," Remus interrupted. "Prongs learned self-control, and that's about everything that's changed since we were eleven."
"Yeah, we're still the adorable, lovable, attractive, mischievous, cute, little marauders you used to know."
"Sure…"
"Anyway, can we get moving now?" Remus asked. "Maybe shove a few first years?"
Peter nodded. "Yeah, first years are always getting on my nerves.
Alice rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Just don't kill yourselves. Remember, first years can be pretty dangerous. Don't forget Shacklebolt."
There was a collective shudder at the first year who had caused the marauders several major injuries, each, a few years back, when they had decided to shove him.
"It's decided," James declared. "We shall go abuse our upperclassmen rights, and shove first years!"
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Lily and Frank walked down the corridor, with a background noise of several echoing wails.
"So…" Frank said. "Did you notice Alice was hanging out with the marauders at dinner?"
"Frank! Weren't you going to forget Alice? Wait, she was hanging out with the marauders?"
Frank nodded.
"What the bloody hell would drive her so insane?"
"I don't know! But, she was friends with them in first year…"
Lily raised an eyebrow. "You remember that? I hardly remember how I met you, and you remember she was friends with them?"
Frank blushed.
"Oh. My. God. You had a crush on her even back in first year, huh?"
"Um… yes…" Frank squeaked nervously.
"You are messed up, Frank. I swear you are."
"Me? Messed up? You're the one who I swear is starting to warm up to James Potter. I haven't heard you insult him in about a year. And you actually complimented him. Are you sure you're not fancying someone?"
"Frank! How could you?" Lily cried, shoving Frank.
"Hey, I'm not the one fancying my arch nemesis. I bet that if he asked you out now, you'd say yes."
"He hasn't asked me out in a while, which I guess is why I'm starting to like him…" Lily admitted. "But, if he does ask me out again, I'm saying no, and he's going back out the window. Now, you mention him again, and you're going out the window."
Frank started observing his hands in detail, and the pair walked in silence for a while.
"Are the marauders shoving first years?" Lily asked in disbelief, pretending to be upset, but Frank could see her trying to hide a giggle.
As Lily and Frank approached, James straightened from shoving a particularly short first year, dusting his hands off of his shirt, when he saw Lily.
"Lily!" he exclaimed, his whole posture transforming immediately. "Fancy seeing you here!"
"It is the hallway to Gryffindor tower," Lily drawled.
"Oh! Right!" James amended fretfully, which Lily had to admit was somewhat adorable, to see him fretting over what she thought of him. Of course, she slapped herself out of that train of thought immediately.
Peter elbowed James meaningfully, and James came close to breaking out in a nervous sweat.
"Was there something you wanted to tell me, Potter?" Lily asked, although it wasn't as if she really cared too much. "If not, I'm going. C'mon, Frank."
Grudgingly, Frank followed Lily towards the Fat Lady.
"Wait!" James called after her, once his companions had all glared at him. "I do have something to ask you!"
Lily reluctantly turned on her heel. "Yes?"
"Look. I don't want to bother you too much about it an all… I know I bugged you like that before… But, I think I've changed a bit over the past year, and I do want one last chance, if possible. So, I'm giving you an ultimatum."
Lily was stunned speechless. And her face showed it.
"You can either choose to go on one date with me, nothing more, no second date if you don't want to, or you could walk away now, and I won't ever ask you out again."
Lily stared at James for a minute, and then looked away, looking a bit saddened.
"Take this as my answer," she replied quietly, and turned, walking away to the Fat Lady's portrait.
James's face fell visibly as Lily walked away, and as she slammed the Fat Lady behind her (the Fat Lady emitting a loud exclamation of pain) he punched the suit of armor next to him. He winced in pain, and hopped up and down, sucking on his knuckles, but the anger was still evident.
The others around him all subconsciously stepped back, in case he'd strike again.
"I'm off," James grunted, heading up to the portrait hole.
Alice walked up to Frank. "Hey! Frank! Thanks so much for letting me borrow your notes! They were really useful!"
Frank rolled his eyes, took his notebook, muttering, "Thanks."
He stalked off, leaving behind a bewildered Alice.
As Frank made his way to the Fat Lady, he could hear the remaining marauders behind him, talking.
"Poor Prongs," Sirius muttered.
"I can't believe Lily did that to him! Can he seriously be that awful to her?" Peter demanded.
"She's such a backpfeifengesicht," Remus agreed.
"If James is as bad to her as she makes it look, I'd hate to be Lily," Sirius snorted.
Frank let them pass him, talking amongst each other, as he repeated something to himself. "Backpfeifengesicht. Suppose that's in my book? I'll have to look it up."
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"James!" Alice panted at the top of the staircase to the boys' dormitories, propping herself up against her thighs. "Are you okay?"
James glared at her. "Do I look okay?"
Alice had to admit he didn't. His eyes looked red, and his hair was messed up so much more than normal. But she didn't say that. "James, I'm so sorry. Do you want anything? I could get"-
"No. Don't get me anything. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to be pitied."
Alice gaped at him.
"I just want to live like nothing happened. It's bloody fucking awful that Lily turned me down, but there's nothing I can do. I said I wouldn't ask her again, so I won't."
"But James…" Alice started.
"But what? Do I look like I'm one to break a promise? I'm a Potter!"
"James, you two are perfect for each other. You can't give up on her!"
James gave her an irritated look. "I gave her a promise! And I'm not breaking that promise! She'll hate me even more!"
"James"-
"Don't talk about it! I'll get over her. I'll forget her like she wants. I'll even date someone else! She will mean nothing to me!"
Alice looked at him through disheartened eyes. "You really do love her, don't you?"
James looked away, avoiding answering.
The door banged open, and the remainder of marauders filed in.
"Par-tay!" Sirius chanted. "Now that Alice's back, we've got to celebrate!"
Peter and Remus nodded.
"And the first order of business; do my nails look dead to you?"
The other occupants of the room groaned.
"Well, now that the party's died," Peter muttered, "I shall start my astronomy homework."
"World record for shortest party," Alice sighed.
"So, Alice," Remus said. "You're new to our Friday-night jam sessions."
"Jam session? Isn't that the term for musical groups?"
James nodded. Alice noticed he looked afresh now, as if nothing happened. "We were originally planning to be a band. Named The Marauders."
"Yeah, but then James got carried away with Quidditch, and never learned the base quitar," Remus added.
Alice raised an eyebrow. "You mean a g-uitar?"
"Yes! That's it! I always get those confused! Silly me!"
"What's a quitar?"
"My mum's fertilizer brand. It's from Uruguay."
Alice chose not to say anything, which everyone else was doing. Sirius had whipped out a mirror, and was brushing his eyebrows, Peter was scribbling a mile per minute, James was doodling on a piece of paper, and Remus had thrown himself onto a large pile of books in the corner, and was stroking a book with the title A Tale of Two Cities.
"That's it," he was muttering in a high voice. "Stoke the book… stroke it…"
Alice scooted as far away from him as possible, and poked Peter in the arm.
"Uh… hold on a second…Jupiter's last moon is unknown to muggles, it's the size of a bowling ball… Yes?" he asked, eyes still on the paper, and still scrawling away.
"What's with Remus?"
Peter spared a glance over his shoulder, then quickly looked back. "He likes books."
"Yes, I knew that. But why is he stroking them?"
"He is highly obsessive. Very highly obsessive."
"Why?"
"We all think that his mother dropped him on his head as a baby. It's strange. He's always weird around Xena has a gravity orbit of… sorry. He's weird around books. And just books. After that… well, he's fairly sane. I'm not really sure of all the details."
Alice nodded, and threw herself down on the bed, closing her eyes, and massaging her temples. No wonder she actually made friends with Dorcas. Boys were weird.
"Hey, Prongsie-boy, is that a new quill?" Alice heard Sirius asked, and she opened her eyes to observe this new quill.
Upon observation she found it was large, glossy, black, and had a tint of blue. And looked suspiciously like Lily's prized quill. The quill which had been give to her by her sister. Exactly like Lily's quill.
Scratch that. It was Lily's quill.
And Alice voiced that revelation, causing James to look sheepish. Once she said it, Remus dropped the book, and clambered up on the bed next to Alice, Peter dropped his quill, and even Sirius looked up from his mirror.
"James…" Peter began, "Did you steal that?"
James nodded, and hurriedly looked away, and the other marauders turned to talk amongst each other.
"But he hasn't stolen in two years!" Remus protested.
"Yeah," Peter muttered. "And that was good stealing. No one wants to be near Sirius with a mirror too much…"
"Hey!" Sirius protested.
"Did he go through too much emotional trauma with the break-up?" Peter pondered.
"Yep," Alice replied, and the heads swiveled to James, who was looking nervously at them, waiting for their predicament.
"James," Remus said, "did the refusal hurt?"
James shook his head, but the marauders ignored it. Sirius snatched at the paper James had been doodling on, tearing it.
On the paper, not ripped by Sirius were the initials LE.
Sirius groaned. "You're not over her, are you?" Peter asked.
"And he's gone through enough trauma to steal again," Remus added.
"And we have to deal with it," Sirius moaned.
"No, you do not have to deal with it!" James snapped. "I will deal with it. You four just pretend nothing ever happened!"
Alice was ready to snap back, but the others' reaction caught her off-guard. They just went back to what they had done before, completely trusting James. Alice sighed. She wouldn't win this fight.
"Mmm…Wormy, your textbook smells delicious…" Remus said as he jumped back on to his book hoard.
Peter looked vaguely disgusted, but other than that, didn't say anything.
Alice flopped back on the bed, tired of the drama that only the marauders could produce. As she soared not-so-gracefully through the air, a crumpled yellow sheet of paper on the ground caught her eye. She reached for it, pulling herself halfway off the bed by the time she had the parchment in her clutches, so she just collapsed on the floor, legs still resting on the bed.
The paper, once uncrumpled didn't say much, just a really crappy poem. A really crappy poem. A really crappy poem declaring James' love for Lily.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I know you hate me,
But I love you.
Orchids are white,
Pansies are yellow,
You're always on my mind,
If only you'd say hello.
Peonies are orange,
Tulips indigo,
Without you around,
My life is not even so-so
Lilies are white,
And many other colors too,
But don't ever forget,
My favorite Lily is you.
Hilarious.
Alice stuffed it in her pocket, since it might make some pretty good blackmail later on.
Just as she was starting to fall asleep, a dream half-forming about Frank just copying some Shakespeare for her, and forgetting the crappy poems, a yell woke her up.
"WHERE'S MY NAIL FILE?" Sirius bellowed, looking around madly. Then his gaze landed on James. "No. Oh no…"
James backed away from Sirius. "You were getting annoying with it!" James explained hurriedly, obvious hoping someone else would pity him.
"Give me back my nail file!" Sirius shouted at his friend. "If you do I will give you a glimpse of my beautiful manly parts!"
James choked. "And I would want to see that?"
"Yes, because they are beautiful!"
"Well, I don't want to see them, no matter how beautiful. So I guess you aren't getting the nail file back."
Sirius shrieked loudly. "But my manly parts are so beautiful! I should flash them to the world, so it can get a glimpse at true beauty!
James just continued backing up, shrinking along the way.
Sirius finally broke, and shot himself at James very uncharacteristically, wrestling his best friend for his prized nail file.
Peter and Alice were rapt in watching the live entertainment, and Remus took the chance to filch Peter's astronomy textbook. Slowly he lifted it up to his nose, and sniffed the textbook, pressing his cheek to the cover, inhaling deeply, and then he began to fondly caress the book.
James and Sirius were still wrestling, knocking over a table or two, which Peter scrambled around, trying to set back up again. While setting it back up, it was noted that several things were missing, leading Peter to believe that James was fairly good at multitasking. Wrestling and thieving, at the same time!
Alice was drifting towards Frank's bed, were she was sifting through personal possessions, looking for something, though she did not yet know what that was. Although she had a strong suspicion it was boxers.
When Peter was finally able to set everything back up, he immobilized the wrestling pair, and grabbed his book out of Remus's clutches. He also pulled Alice away from the pair of rubber ducky boxers she had just gotten her hands on.
"Do you really want to force me to get McGonagall?" Peter asked irritatedly.
The four looked sheepish, and Peter rolled his eyes. "Dumbledore really should have made me prefect… Anyway, James. Stop with the stealing."
Sirius nodded, his face scowling.
"Just talk to us," Alice pleaded. "We don't want you committing suicide!"
"It wouldn't be too bad if it kept you from stealing my stuff," Sirius muttered.
"Yeah," Remus nodded. "Though, if you really wanted to kill yourself, I'd help you."
"What?" James stuttered, and Peter glared at Remus.
"I think you should be able to die happy," Remus continued, ignoring Peter. "You know, die a nice way? Well I've always thought the two best ways to die were to be impaled by a book, or have a Florish and Botts sign crush the life out of you."
Several things were flying in the air towards Remus after that comment.
00000
Frank trodded into the Gryffindor common room, each step heavy, as he pushed himself forward to join Lily, where she was perched on a thickly padded sofa to finish her homework.
"Hello Lily," Frank sighed, as he practically fell sideways onto the armchair next to her.
Lily looked up from her History of Magic paper, bemused. "You're strangely out of character."
Frank looked up, breaking his reverie, and raised an eyebrow. "How so?"
"You're seeming some-what down."
"And…?"
"Considering your usual optimistic self, it's a bit of a change, I'd have to say," Lily stated, pointing out Frank's stature.
"Optimistic? I beg to differ! I am not optimistic," Frank snorted.
Lily looked at Frank. "Frank. You have not lived with you. I have. I know optimistic when I see it."
"I haven't lived with myself? I don't know… I thin I have," Frank snickered.
Lily groaned. "You know what I mean! You aren't being totally honest with yourself!"
"Why wouldn't I be honest with myself?"
"Because you're in denial! You don't want it to be true, so you aren't being honest!"
"And so what should I be doing?"
"Well, you have to truly be honest. Just think. Think deeply. Trust yourself. Look deep inside. All that crap," Lily listed, cracking up at the last one.
Frank shook his head amused. "You need to work on delivering your jokes. Your laughing simply ruined it."
Lily shrugged, still giggling a bit. "I'm not a very funny person. So I laugh every chance I get to say something even moderately funny."
Apparently that was one of those times, and Lily combusted, laughing, giggling, snorting, and a wide variety of other titters, pleasant and unpleasant. Unfortunately, laughter was contagious, and Frank couldn't help but add a few chortles of his own, which grew until it was so bad, he could barely spit out his next sentence, through all of the breathless hysterics.
"Isn't"- guffaw-"that b"- chuckle- "being a bit"- snort- "hard on yourself?" Frank got out, ending in a large giggle fit.
After the two gained back their composure, acquiring several odd stares along the way. Lily answered, "Well, at least I'm being totally honest with myself. I know I'm not funny. I know I'm as funny as a dead pig. I know I can't deliver a punch line for crap, but who cares? At least I know that. Unlike some friends I could mention!"
"Why do I need to be honest with myself?" Frank asked tiredly.
"Because! Once you admit your weakness, you can work around it, with a stronger plan of action."
"And what might this plan of action be?"
Lily reddened, and muttered something along the lines of 'asking out someone so you can finally get over that bitch Alice'. But, that was just a rough translation of what she was muttering.
"Right…" Frank said, raising an eyebrow.
"What?" Lily protested.
"This is definitely one of the top ten weirdest conversations I've ever had…"
"What's the number one?" Lily asked curiously.
"The marauders were discussing in depth the Miss Tuffet bedtime rhyme. Heh-heh… that was great. Sirius trying to reenact it… and James was Miss Tuffet…"
Lily stiffened at the word James, soon after relaxing, as though nothing had happened, but it didn't escape Frank's notice.
"And then there was the time when they were cross-dressing, and they decided that Remus was going to grow up to be a stripper, but Peter said it was going to be an ugly sight to see, and so then Sirius pounced on Peter, saying that Peter was stupid to insult his significant other, and then Remus pounced on Sirius, saying he wasn't his significant other… ah… those were the days…"
Lily stared, and Frank eventually saw her, so he stopped mid-monologue on what Sirius looked like in a short leather miniskirt and tub top, and simply said, "And the rest of my weirdest conversations took place in the boys' dormitories."
Lily shook her head, trying to empty the last few seconds out of her head permanently. She never wanted to even think about thinking about thinking about thinking about (and on and on, you get the idea)… Sirius in a pink plaid leather miniskirt… shudder… creepy thoughts…
"Lily?" Frank asked, shaking her by the shoulders. "You alright?"
Lily looked up, and hit Frank with the back of her hands. "Never mention anything like that again," she growled.
"Okay," Frank agreed nervously.
"But, what's so weird about this conversation?"
"Oh, it's probably only like number ten. And maybe only barely."
"Get on with it," Lily said, smacking Frank on the back.
"Jeez… can't we just h'oponopono before the smacking?" Frank asked, adding, "Hawaiian for solving a problem by talking it out."
"I'll h'oponopono you!"
"I don't think that's correct use of the word…"
Lily raised her palm, Frank flinched, and continued on. "Right. Well, why is it weird? Let's see…"
Lily rolled her eyes.
"The conversation started out as a talk-show moment. You know, all of that 'show her how you really feel…blah, blah, blah…' And then it consisted mainly of giggles. Fun. and then we were talking about military tactics for dating… and then Sirius in a"-
"Don't mention it!" Lily hissed, clapping her hands over her ears.
"Fine," Frank sighed.
"Well," Lily stated. "I think this conversation has gone a bit off topic. The point is, anyway, that you are optimistic."
"And you're going to remind me that at every possible moment, aren't you?"
"Yep. I'll chase after you, yelling it at the top of my lungs until I limp."
"You mean tenjack. Malaysian for limp."
"Right. Until I limp."
"You're such a pessimist," Frank whined.
"I prefer the term realist."
"Same thing, just a nicer name!"
"You optimist."
"You know who else is an optimist?" Frank asked.
"Who?" Lily asked bored.
"James Potter."
Lily tensed.
Frank paused for a second. "James Potter."
Lily rigidified.
"Ha!' Frank exclaimed. "I found your weakness!"
"Did not!"
"You're not being honest with yourself."
"I am!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure!"
"Then let's see."
"What"-
"James Potter, James Potter, James Potter, James Potter, James Potter, James Potter, James Potter!"
Lily winced.
"Oooh… Someone hasn't been honest with herself. Hypocrite."
"Shut up Frank."
"You know, I think this means something. Maybe some… hidden feelings for a certain someone? A certain someone by the name of James Potter?" Frank asked, winking.
"No way," Lily stated determinedly, as though she were convincing someone, though, it seemed as thought that someone was herself.
"Lily lurves Potter! How cute!" Frank exclaimed, a perfect imitation of the stereotypical girl.
"Put a sock in it, Longbottom," Lily growled.
"Oooh. Surnames now, huh? Looks as if I might have touched a nerve, what do you say, Evans?"
Lily turned at him, balancing an obese History of magic textbook in her arms. She lifted the book with some difficulty, holding it, eying Frank, as though daring him to cause her to heave the tome at him.
"Okay," Frank surrendered, hands above his head, and slowly sinking in his chair. "Look, Lily, I don't want you to kill me. I'm sorry."
Lily grunted in response, dropping the textbook on the table, with a large bang.
"Lily, there's something on your mind, isn't there? Something about… James?"
Lily plopped back onto the couch she was resting on, legs flung carelessly over back, and head precariously hanging over the edge. "I… I don't really know."
"Like…?"
"Like, I hate him… but there's this part of me, that I think fancies him too…"
"And you aren't sure which is what you really feel."
Lily lifted her head, and looked amazedly at Frank, not able to form a question.
"I know the feeling," he shrugged. "Do you… want to explain more? You don't have to."
"But I think I will," Lily murmured. Admitting finally what was going on in her head felt good.
"Start wherever. I think I can catch up," Frank smirked.
"It… it probably started in… fifth year. When he was such a prickish toerag. I hated him, you know that, right?"
Frank nodded. "He was a backpfeifengesicht then…"
"A what?"
"A face that cries out for a fist in it. It's German."
"Nice word. And I might actually be able to use this one… Anyway, I hated him in sixth year, too. But he wasn't as bad. Not like I actually noticed it then. But he did get better. Still, though, I promised myself I would never accept. I would always turn him down. And I kept that promise. In seventh year, I was surprised he was Head Boy. Maybe even angry. But, looking back, I can understand why he was chosen, in a way."
"And…?"
"And I think that he's not that bad. He wasn't that bad at all this year. Not asking me out at all. It was nice. I got to know him, and even like him. We were sort of friends, and it was nice. And maybe my feelings were even more than that," Lily said, blushing.
"But he asked you out," Frank finished.
Lily nodded. "I had told myself I wouldn't tolerate him asking me out again… and I didn't. But was that the right choice?" Lily asked, and she sounded so utterly devastated, Frank decided to switch the topic.
"Yeah, that's how I sort of feel with Alice. Split emotions."
Lily groaned. "I'm sorry Frank. I feel so stupid. Your problems are more important than my petty nuisances."
Frank smiled pityingly on her. "I feel as if I still love her, but she called me an idiot, and I hate her for that… I'm just not sure which feeling is stronger…"
Lily threw her feet up another few inches on the back of the couch, and looked so sad…
"Pathetic, aren't we?" Frank asked, a smile playing on his lips.
Lily smiled. "I know. Just sitting here on a Friday night, talking about our loveless lives…"
"And I'm sitting here with a girl who hasn't ever had a boyfriend before."
"Says the hot Quidditch player who still hasn't lost his virginity."
"Touché."
"Why, thank you."
"No problem. Nothing adds to the image of being pathetic like being beaten by the girl who's never kissed before."
"Talking of being beaten, I ought to beat you up. Maybe flog you with a wet noodle."
"Aww… but that'd be so painful."
"That's the point."
"I really should be doing something about this pathetic feeling…" Frank muttered, starting to get up.
"Well, I'm so busy being pathetic, I must now go complete my homework on a Friday evening."
"That's so ultimately pathetic," Frank said, standing stunned.
"Yep. I'll probably win the trophy."
Frank and Lily laughed, and Lily turned to where her nightingale quill had been, minutes before. But, it wasn't there. Lily ruffled through her papers. Still not there. She searched the floor around her. Still nowhere to be found.
Lily looked up with an expression more devastating than the one a few minutes before. "I lost my quill!"
Frank snorted. "I'm sure that isn't equivalent to much. How many quills do you have nowadays?"
"You don't understand! That was the one from Petunia!"
Frank's eyes widened. "Oh no. Not that one."
"Yes that one!"
"And you're sure it isn't there?"
"Yes, I'm sure!"
"Well," Frank, said slowly. "It's time to start a quill finding hunt."
"And we will find that quill," Lily snarled determinedly.
"We'll jeito."
Lily looked up at Frank.
"Portuguese- Brazilian for finding a way to get something done, no matter the obstacles."
"I admire your vocabulary, and that word does fit, but I'd find it preferable if you would just shut up and find it."
"Zipping my lips!"
00000
"We're going to the Potions room," Alice heard Lily state, as she slowly and quietly walked down the stairs to the common room.
"Can we stop by the kitchen? I've been dying to slappare some flab and moron…"
There was silence, and Alice quickly stopped descending, mid-step.
"Slappare is Italian is for eating everything, down to licking the plate. Flab is Gaelic for mushroom, and moron is Welsh for carrots."
"I don't care about flab and moron and that other one! Sometimes, though, you make me want to slap you so hard you'll be flabby, you moron. I just want to find that quill!"
There was the sound of a hand slamming down on the table. Alice gulped. Lily was in a bad mood. But Alice had to ask Lily a question about the Potions homework before she forgot.
Alice breathed in deeply, and jumped down the remaining stairs.
Frank looked up first and saw her. "I'm going. I can't be around that thing. She's the opposite of tubli."
Alice opened her mouth to question, but Lily filled her in, looking bitter. "Estonian for being orderly, hardworking, productive, and properly behaved."
"Which she isn't," Frank snarled. "She's only in it for the lechuga. The money."
Alice started to protest, but Frank was already storming out of the common room, slamming the portrait behind him, with a yelp from the Fat Lady.
"What was that all about?" Alice asked, and tone of desperation in her voice.
"Forget it," Lily mumbled, eyebrows knitted up in a weird combination of depression, frustration, and angriness. "What did you want?"
"Well, I wanted help with my Potions essay. I don't understand the first part at all!"
With reluctance, Lily took the parchment from Alice.
"Well, you could start by procrastinating until some other time. Do you know what day of the week it is?"
Alice was still glancing back after Frank, and answered, dreamily, "The day Frank's wearing a blue- I mean Friday!"
Lily raised an eyebrow. "Two things. No sane person does their homework on a Friday evening. And two, stay the hell away from Frank."
Alice's jaw dropped, outraged. "Okay, two things from me. You do your homework on a Friday evening, are you insane? And what right do you have to tell me I can't see Frank?"
"I do my homework on a Friday evening because I have nothing else to do, seeing as I'm a nerd. I admit it."
"Do you think you have a claim over Frank because he's best friend?"
"You, on the other hand, have plenty of other things to do in your spare time!"
"Well, you don't! You will never be in charge of Frank!"
"For example, you could be tormenting other guys."
"Frank is in charge of himself! I don't need you telling me to stay away! He can decide that for himself!"
"He's already decided!" Lily burst out. "He hates you! And I'm not surprised after that cruel let-down!"
"So you're the only one who can do homework on a Friday night?"
"You just don't do that to a guy, and you did!"
"Well, I can do homework on a Friday night too."
"You're a cold, cruel hearted"-
"And I don't torment guys!" Alice cried out in frustration.
"You tormented Frank."
"And you think I was so mean to Frank. You shouldn't be the one talking."
"Frank's a nice guy. He deserves a nice girl."
"You did the exact same thing to James."
Lily didn't even flinch, she kept on talking. "But do you care? No. No you don't."
"He had been so great this year! But you forgot that! You just said no!"
"I doubt you even care about him."
"James is a great guy. And he deserves a great girl."
"You'll never be the girl for Frank."
"James was lucky that you have chronic short term memory loss when it comes to him."
"Frank was lucky that you're just a little, backstabbing backpfeifengesicht."
Alice's cold gaze broke for a second. "What?"
"German for a face that cries out for a fist in it. Frank taught it to me. No wonder you don't know it. Frank wouldn't tell it to a girl who used him like you did."
"What? I didn't use him!'
"I highly doubt that."
"I never used him! He just suddenly became all cold!"
"Peachy. Now I can tell Frank to add liar to the list of your bad traits. And it's a bloody damn long list."
The girls stood there and glared at each other. Alice shoved her hand in her pocket, and felt the crumpled poem she had shoved in their before.
"Here. Take this. Maybe it'll change your mind about James. But I still don't think you'd deserve James."
Lily stood there, gaping like a fish out of water at Alice, who quickly turned on her heel, and stormed out of the room.
Lily kicked the couch next to her. "Eurgh! She's- she's such a- backpfeifengesicht!"
And she threw the paper on the floor.
But she couldn't resist it for long. She opened up the paper, and quickly scanned the contents.
"Whoa," Lily breathed softly, gawking at the words scrawled across the page. Maybe James isn't that bad afterall…
00000
"James," Peter said nervously, "shouldn't you give Lily back the feather? You know how she is about her quills…"
James turned a saddened face towards Peter. "As if I haven't tried. But you know my hands. And the quill smells of Lily," he added softly, inhaling deeply.
Peter sighed, and shoved his hands in his pockets. The four boys had left the dormitories a bit ago, to mooch off of the kitchens. Alice had gone back up to her dormitory to finish her homework, and the marauders had snuck past Lily and Frank, to avoid waterworks (or fireworks) from either side.
"What do you suppose could the house elves serve with the most sugar, and the least calories?" Sirius pondered aloud, to general ignorance.
Remus was once again reading while walking, which is a highly dangerous pastime in a stone castle with suits of armor. Peter already had to save him from walking into several walls (and getting several concussions), and getting stabbed even more. Of course, Peter wasn't the perfect look-out, so Remus was walking about with a three-inch gash on his arm, from when he had met near-death with the suit of armor that carried that spiky-ball on a chain thing-a-ma-bob. Peter was pretty darn glad that it was past the bedtime of that first year that liked to walk around glaring at people, hauling a set of num-chucks.
James was playing with the quill of Lily's that he had filched. There was nothing more depressing than a lovesick best friend, Peter decided. And James was the only guy Peter knew who stole stuff when he was lovesick.
Peter, on the other hand, was not primping, or reading, or twirling stolen quills. On the other hand, he was making quite sure that his friends did not die on the way to the kitchens.
Which, by the way, was entirely plausible.
Especially since there was a pair of seventh year Gryffindors coming their way. One of which, was a murderous looking red-head.
"Look, Lily, I swear, it'll take me like two seconds to slappare the flab and moron!"
And the other one was so obviously a boy by the name of Frank, with the unfortunate surname Longbottom. Mostly because it was false advertising. His buttocks, were in fact, quite cute.
And you better pretend that Peter was never thinking this.
Never.
Peter was not gay.
That was Sirius and Remus.
Anyway, the two teenagers were coming right for the marauders.
"Pettigrew!" Lily called. "Have you seen my quill?"
Peter gulped.
Lily closed in the distance, and Peter prayed that James had some common sense.
"It's a nightingale quill. It's black, and about this long, and really glossy," Lily continued, motioning with her hands.
Peter was really hoping she wouldn't look around now. She didn't look to happy.
"No, I- I don't think I've seen it," Peter stuttered nervously.
"And it has this bluish- and that's it!"
Peter almost fainted.
Lily stormed up the two feet to James. "What are you doing with my quill?"
"I-uh- here…" James said quietly, holding out the quill.
Lily looked taken-aback, but reached out for the quill.
But James wouldn't let go.
Or, more precisely, his hand wouldn't let go.
"Aw crap…" James moaned. "Not now…"
Lily looked questioningly at James, but continued tugging at her quill.
James still held a firm grip, though his face was showing reluctance.
Lily started cursing, and began full-out wrestling the quill from his clutches.
As Lily was kicking James, sometimes in places that might not be best to mention, Frank was watching.
"Why not try taghairm? it involves rolling a naked person up in meat, and leaving him out in a meadow to meditate. Old Scottish tradition."
Peter snorted. "Where'd you learn that?"
"My book."
At the word book, Remus had put down his book (much to Peter's relief), and started staring wondrously at the book in Frank's hands (much not to Peter's relief).
"What's your book about?" Remus asked, crouching down to touch the book, and Frank started to move cautiously backwards.
"An interlingual dictionary…"
"May I hold it?"
The question did not really present Frank with much choice. Even if he was going to say no, Remus tugged it out of Frank's hands, and started observing it carefully.
"The proportions… wow. It fits so easily in your hand. And the cover is superb. Nothing too fancy, but still nice-looking. Amazing. And it smells so good…"
"Can I have it back, now?" Frank asked irritably.
Remus frowned, and clasped the book tightly. Frank made an annoyed noise, and grasped the dictionary as Remus was hanging on to it, and pulled, trying to get it back.
The guys were moving everywhere, and almost crashed into Sirius.
Which wasn't the best idea.
"Stop it!" Sirius screeched. And when nothing changed, Sirius charged over and punched Remus in the mouth. "Just let him have the book back."
And then Sirius looked down at his hand. "My NAILS!"
At the realization that his nails weren't perfect, Sirius started wailing loudly, and stumbling around.
Peter groaned. "Great. Now we'll have to do everything for him for a week. Meaning I'll have to."
"Why?" Frank asked curiously, pulling his dictionary out of Remus' grip.
"When he thinks 'his beauty's threatened' he won't do anything at all, claiming that it'll harm his beauty. He's a shallow, vain drama-queen, if you ask me."
"He sounds pretty haochi-lanzuo."
"How-to-chief what?"
"Haochi-lanzuo. Chinese for fond of food, but averse to work."
"Oh. That's Sirius alright. Except, fond of beauty."
A wailing noise came towards them, by the name of Sirius.
"More poor, poor nails! I can't believe this! How will I survive?"
And for the grand finale, Sirius tripped over Remus, who had sunk onto the floor, reading his latest novel, and flew into the air, and on top of Frank, knocking all of the air out of him.
A gasp traveled from up the flight of stairs, and everyone (even Lily and James) glance upwards.
It was Alice.
She scurried down the stairs, and lugged Sirius off of Frank.
And slapped him. Nails and all.
Sirius shrieked, holding his bleeding cheek, claiming it'd scar.
"Well, that's what you get for ruining the perfection known as Frank!" Alice blurted out, without thinking. "You backpfeifengesicht!"
Everyone was either gaping, gasping, gawking, gawping, or staring speechlessly at Alice.
Alice blushed. "Sirius is a backpfeifengesicht," she shrugged.
Sirius pouted. "Frank is the backpfeifengesicht. My face is so much more perfect!"
Lily stomped away from the postion she had been in, tugging at her quill, to find her self above Sirius. And she also found herself stepping heavily on an area of Sirius' body that caused all other males to flinch in pain. "Don't call my friend a backpfeifengesicht, Black. We all know you're the backpfeifengesicht."
"Hey, Lily!" Remus called, getting up from his spot on the floor, and placing a bookmark in his elephant-sized manuscript. "If we're talking about insulting friends, I think you're the backpfeifengesicht. Not only do you manage to insult Sirius, but James too. And insult James badly."
Lily bit her lip. She couldn't deny it. And that hurt.
"Moony, stay out of it," James said, looking disgusted with his friend. He started moving towards Remus, who began backing up, trying not to be within a two foot radius of his friend. "It was her choice. And I'll respect her choice. Also, I don't ever want to hear you insult Lily again, whether it's justified or not. Maybe you're the backpfeifengesicht."
As James passed Lily, by some sort of miracle, he wrenched open his fist, and let Lily claim her quill back. Lily gazed wondrously after James.
"Potter, you shouldn't have made her choose in the first place! It annoys the hell out of her!" Frank accused. "And you know, it hurts her too. You backpfeifengesicht."
Peter sighed. It was all lying on his shoulders. Yet again.
"Guys!" he yelled, getting their attention. He was going to be hoarse by the end of the week… "It's pretty obvious to me you're all backpfeifengesichts!"
They all gaped.
Peter shook his head amusedly. They always seemed to underestimate him, even though this had happened millions of times before.
"Let's see. Remus is a backpfeifengesicht because he steals others' books. It's true, Remus. It's not fun," Peter assured his astonished werewolf friend.
"And Sirius is a backpfeifengesicht because I bet it's a unanimous vote, right?" James asked, to general agreement.
Sirius glowered.
"Look, why don't you all just talk your problems out, instead of just calling everyone a backpfeifengesicht?"
"H'oponopono," Frank clarified. Or, at least, thought he was clarifying.
"Right. Well, guys, seriously. If I had wanted to be a mother, I would have gone through with that sex change by now."
Alice sighed, and turned to Frank. "Look, Frank. You're a great guy. And I think I might… Nevermind. But, why do you hate me?"
"You called me an idiot!"
"What?" Alice asked, confused.
"Tonight. At dinner. I was going to ask you out, but I heard you and friends. And my name. And you were calling me an idiot."
Alice started giggling.
"So you still think I'm a idiot, huh?" Frank asked, beginning to turn around.
"Wait! Frank! Don't go!" Alice said, holding his shoulder. "It was just a misunderstanding. I swear."
"How?" Frank questioned, raising a brow.
"My friends wanted me to get back together with this guy, and they knew I liked you. And well, we're not friends anymore. They called you an idiot…"
"You like me?"
Alice blushed, for the second time in the past five minutes.
"Then, would you do me the pleasure of accompanying me to Hogsmeade on the next Hogsmeade weekend?"
Alice smiled. "I would die for the chance."
Frank grinned, and pecked her on the cheek.
"Aww… they're cute," Lily smiled from her perch on the steps.
"You know what else is cute?" James asked audaciously, swinging himself on to the step, next to Lily.
"What?"
"You."
Lily pulled her head back, and took a long look at James. Then she giggled.
"You are one bipolar guy, Potter," Lily declared, prodding him in the cheek with her prized quill.
James smirked. "I realized. But, I decided, what's one more chance? It's not like I haven't already wasted millions of them before. But whether I get another or not is up to you."
Lily pondered this for a moment, and then said softly, "Well, you get a chance. But I want a good reason for why you stole my quill."
James sighed, and ran a hand through his hair. "Well, I don't know if you'd believe me."
"Try me."
"I have this chronic disease thing. Well, I don't know exactly what to call it. Its not really a disease. But, whatever. Because of it, my fingers sort of act on their own. They steal."
"Oh."
"Lately, I've taken control over my fingers, but when I get emotionally unstable… well, my training isn't worth much then."
James looked up from his fingernails (which were badly in need of a pair of nail scissors), and saw that Lily was staring at him.
"If you don't believe me, you can ask anyone, and they'll confirm it. Madame Pomfrey, Dumbledore, Professor McGon"-
Lily pressed a finger over James lips. "I believe you. It's just… when I said no to your… erm, question earlier, that made you emotionally unstable?"
James nodded, his face heating up.
Lily smiled, and threw her arms around James, squeezing him.
As soon as James had extricated himself (not as though he actually wanted to), he looked at Lily meaningfully. "What was that about?"
Lily smiled sheepishly. "I've been thinking about my answer lately. And I don't think I was fair. I answered because of a promise I had made to myself more than a year before. And I don't think that I like the promise anymore. So I'm going to break it."
"Meaning?"
Lily ignored his question. "If I asked you out now, would that keep you from stealing stuff?"
James reddened. "Well, er, I suppose, yeah…"
"Good. I need to keep my quills safe."
James chuckled.
"So, will you go out with me?"
James choked, and Lily smirked.
"I'll take that as a yes. I'll see you tomorrow at eight, then."
Lily got up from her seat on the step, and smoothed down her skirt.
James quickly got up after her, and swallowed. "Lily, about the stealing thing…"
"What?" Lily asked, looking concerned.
"I might still be stealing a few things."
Lily's eyes widened. "Like… like what?"
James grinned mischievously. "Your kisses."
And with that, he leaned down and stole Lily's breath.
Back a few yards away, Sirius was still scowling. "Jeez…" he muttered. "Can you feel the love tonight?"
"Yep," Remus confirmed. "It's getting a bit nauseating."
"You're the guy who reads romance novels!" Peter laughed.
"Watch it," Remus said, eyes narrowing. "It's not just romance novels. It's every type of novel."
"Oooh… Big difference," Sirius snorted.
Frank soon slid down the wall, too, as Alice had gone back to the library to finish her assignments with Lily and James.
"Crazy night, huh?" he asked, face bright, and panting, since he was out of breath.
Dear Merlin. Peter did not need to think about that.
So instead he just said, "Yep."
"We're all pretty nicht alle Schrank tassen, huh?"
The three other boys looked weirdly at Frank.
"German for a person who doesn't have all their cups in the cupboard, if you know what I mean."
"Oh yes, they do," Peter groaned, and let his head fall back against the wall (if he was lucky, he'd get a concussion).
Sirius and Peter, on the other hand, high-fived.
"What did I do?" Frank asked.
"Didn't you see what happened with backpfeifengesicht. Now you've given them another word."
"Peter, you're looking nicht alle Schrank Tassen."
"Thanks a lot, Frank."
000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
…and Princess Alice married Prince Frank, and Princess Lily married Prince James. And they all lived happily ever after. And had you two," Remus added, glancing down at the two infants.
"Meaning they needed a vacation, and left you guys with us, and made me go through my midlife crisis way too soon…" Peter grumped.
"Hey! Guys! We're home!" James called from the doorway.
"Finally," Peter sighed.
"What happened to my living room?" Lily asked, walking through the door, looking distastefully at the large, predominant pile of books covering the floor.
"Your children," Sirius blamed.
"Aren't you supposed to be the godfather, Sirius?" Frank asked. "You know, caring about your godson?"
"I'll care about him when he doesn't try to vomit over my gorgeous locks of hair whenever I hold him."
"You should have made Peter godfather," Alice muttered to Lily.
"I'm beginning to think that too," Lily admitted.
"You guys are backpfeifengesichts," Sirius grumped.
"No!" Peter exclaimed. "Not in front of the children! I won't have their little minds corrupted now!"
"So much for you not being a mother," Remus sighed.
"So," Lily said, leaning down to pick up Harry. "What did you do while we were gone?"
"We read," Remus answered simply, gesturing to the colossal heap of books behind him, that had attracted librarians, like Sirius attracted fleas. In his dog form, at least.
"And then we told them the story of how you all got together," Sirius finished.
"You did?" Lily asked. "How cute."
"You didn't include Sirius' flashing of his manly parts, did you?" Alice asked apprehensively.
"No," Peter assured.
"Well, thanks, guys," James said. "It was nice being able to get away for a weekend."
Peter wanted to say, "Then you shouldn't have had a kid so early." But he didn't. He stuck with, "No problem."
Peter, Sirius, and Remus all filed out, taking their things with them.
But Remus paused for a second, holding out a small book. "Here, take this. Read it to the boys. They deserve to know the classics. And it's appropriate, no matter what Peter says," he hissed.
The parents looked after Remus, staring oddly at him.
"Might as well try it," Lily shrugged.
Frank looked down, and flipped open the book's cover. "The year that Buttercup was born…"
-&-
AN: The Princess Bride is a great book! Don't forget that! I highly recommend it, it's much better than the movie. Yeah, so this was a fun story to write. I'm a backpfeifengesicht, too, you know. One note, the conversation between Alice and Lily, towards the end, was a sad attempt at a non-sequitor conversation, where the dialogue doesn't follow. For example "What do you think about McCain's choice as VP?" "It's very sunny today." Again, my attempt was very sad. It's really fun if done properly. Review!