Cell Block Tango, a naruto fanfic

A/N: I was really bored (almost never happens, luckily). This little fic is STRONGLY based on the great song from the great musical, namely Cell Block Tango from Chicago. If you haven't seen it you definitely should! Without knowing the base it's most likely you won't get anything from here, not that there's much anyway. It's just a silly thing I did for my own fun moment :)

WARNINGS: Deidara in the women-exclusive jail because Konan is more manly than he is, some spoilers for the manga (nothing drastic, what drastic can be in such fic anyway), little implied SasuNaru, just because I couldn't help myself. Obvious OOC, bloodthirstiness and many male victims. Polish gibberish in one place because I don't know Hungarian to change original into one Naruto themed, shit happens.

PAIRS: InoxChouji, DeidaraxKonan, KonanxPein, TemarixShikamaru, HinataxShino, SakuraxSasuke, SasukexNaruto, TsunadexJiraiya.

CELL BLOCK TANGO

LIZ – INO

ANNIE – DEIDARA

JUNE – TEMARI

HUNYAK – HINATA

VELMA – SAKURA

MONA – TSUNADE

ANNOUNCER – KAKASHI

BERNIE – CHOUJI

EZEKIEL YOUNG – KONAN

SIX WIVES HUSBANDS – PEIN

WILBUR – SHIKAMARU

MILKMAN - KIBA

HUNYAK'S MAN (Hungarian, no idea of name) – SHINO

CHARLIE – SASUKE

VERONICA – NARUTO

AL LIPSCHITZ – JIRAIYA

RUTH – SHIZUNE

GLADYS – KURENAI

ROSEMARY – MIKOTO

IRVING – KUSHINA

(INO)

Click.

(DEIDARA)

Six.

(TEMARI)

Squish.

(HINATA)

Uh-uh.

(SAKURA)

Ichiraku.

(TSUNADE)

Jiraiya.

(INO)

Click.

(DEIDARA)

Six.

(TEMARI)

Squish.

(HINATA)

Uh-uh.

(SAKURA)

Ichiraku.

(TSUNADE)

Jiraiya!

(KAKASHI)

And now the six merry murderesses of the Konoha ANBU Jail in their rendition of "The Cell Block Tango!"

(INO)

Click.

(DEIDARA)

Six.

(TEMARI)

Squish.

(HINATA)

Uh-uh.

(SAKURA)

Ichiraku.

(TSUNADE)

Jiraiya!

(x4)

(ALL)

He had it coming,

He only had himself to blame.

If you'd have been there,

If you'd have seen it,

(SAKURA)

I betcha you would have done the same!

(INO)

Click.

(DEIDARA)

Six.

(TEMARI)

Squish.

(HINATA)

Uh-uh.

(SAKURA)

Ichiraku.

(TSUNADE)

Jiraiya!

(x2)

(INO (Spoken))

You know how people have these little habits that get you down.

Like Chouji.

Chouji liked to eat food.

No, not eat. CLICK with it. So I came home this one day,

And I am really irritated, having failed an important mission, and looking for a little sympathy

And there's Chouji layin' on the couch, drinkin' sake

And eatin'. No, not eatin'.

Clickin'. So, I said to him, I said,

"You click with that chips one more time…"

And he did.

So I took exploding tags off the wall and flew two warning ones.

Into his face!

(ALL)

He had it coming,

He only had himself to blame!

If you'd have been there,

If you'd have heard it,

I betcha you would have done the same!

(DEIDARA (spoken))

I met Konan from Akatsuki about two years ago

And she told me she was single and we hit it off right away.

So, we started living together.

She'd go on a mission, she'd come back to the quarters, I'd prepare her bed, we'd have dinner.

And then I found out.

"Single," she told me? Single my ass!

Not only was she married. Oh no… She had SIX husbands! In ONE MAN!

One of those emancipated, experimenting women, you know.

So that night, when she came home, I fixed her her bed, as usual, leaving a little gift under the pillow.

You know, some chicks just can't resist a good bang.

(ALL)

He had it coming,

(DEIDARA)

I was the man in this relationship!

(SAKURA)

Uh. Well. No one will notice.

(ALL)

He had it coming,

He took a flower in it's prime!

And then he used it,

And he abused it,

It was a murder but not a crime!

(TEMARI)

Now, I'm standing in the kitchen, painting my new fan, sharpening the edges for a fighting use, minding my own business

And in storms my husband Shikamaru, you hear me? STORMS. He never storms.

"You've been screwing Kiba!" he says.

He was crazy and he kept screamin', "you've been screwing Kiba!"

And then he ran into my fan.

He ran into my fan ten times!

(ALL)

If you'd have been there,

If you'd have seen it,

I betcha you would have done the same!

(HINATA (spoken in Hungarian Polish))

Wi-widzisz to tutaj? To ukąszenia od owadów. Dlaczego tu są? Sie-siedziałam jednego dnia przed naszym domem i czekałam na Shino, ale nie wracał. Zdarzało mu się to coraz częściej, coraz częściej i w końcu nie wytrzymałam, musiałam wiedzieć co go opóźnia. Więc po-poszłam za nim, śledzić dla mnie to nie problem, nie chciałam tylko naruszać jego prywatności. Nie mogłam zrozumieć tego, co zobaczyłam. On sie-siedział przy Akamaru i pomagał mu czyścić się z pcheł. Spytałam go czemu to robi i czemu ciągle, on powiedział, że go to fascynuje! Więc Spy-spytałam czy bardziej niż ja, a on powiedział, że tak. Chciałam wtedy za-zablokować wszystko przepływy w jego ciele...

(TEMARI)

Yeah, but did you do it?

(HINATA)

UH-UH N-not gu-guilty!

(SAKURA)

My brother Naruto and I did this medical training in various villages,

And my husband, Sasuke used to travel round with us.

Now, for the most advanced surgery we did these 20 tricks in a row

One, two, three, four, five… splits, spreads, cuts, guts, one right after the other.

So this one night before the surgery we're down at the restaurant here, Ichiraku,

Three of us boozing, havin' a few laughs in secluded room, and we ran out of ice,

So I go out to get some

I go back, slide the door open, and there's Naruto and Sasuke doing Number Seventeen, the prostate exam!

Well, I was in such a state of shock, I completely blacked out.

I can't remember a thing.

It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my hands I even knew they were dead.

(SAKURA)

They had it coming!

(GIRLS (and Deidara))

They had it coming!

(SAKURA)

They had it coming!

(GIRLS (and Deidara))

They had it coming!

(SAKURA)

They had it coming all along!

(GIRLS (and Deidara))

They had it coming all along!

(SAKURA)

I didn't do it.

(GIRLS (and Deidara))

She didn't do it.

(SAKURA)

But if I've done it,

(GIRLS (and Deidara))

But if she's done it,

(SAKURA)

How could you tell me that I was wrong?

(SAKURA)

They had it coming!

(GIRLS (and Deidara))

They had it coming!

(SAKURA)

They had it coming!

(GIRLS (and Deidara))

They had it coming!

(SAKURA)

They had it coming!

(GIRLS (and Deidara))

They took a flower,

(SAKURA)

All along,

(GIRLS (and Deidara))

In it's prime,

(SAKURA)

I didn't do it,

(GIRLS (and Deidara))

And then they used it,

(SAKURA)

But if I'd done it,

How could you tell me that I was wrong?

(TSUNADE)

I loved Jiraiya, more than I can possibly say.

He was a real artistic guy… sensitive… a writer.

But he was always trying to do some research.

He'd go out every night and on the way he researched

Shizune,

Kurenai,

Mikoto and Kushina.

I guess you can say we broke up because of artistic differences.

He was himself as alive.

And I saw him dead!

And for the first time in my life I won!

(ALL)

The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum!

(GROUP 1)

They had it comin'!

(GROUP 2)

They had it comin'!

(GROUP 1)

They had it comin'!

(GROUP 2)

They had it comin'!

(GROUP 1)

They had it comin'!

(GROUP 2)

They had it comin'!

(GROUP 1)

All along,

(GROUP 2)

All along,

(GROUP 1)

Cause if they used us!

(GROUP 2)

Cause if they used us!

(GROUP 1)

And they abused us!

(GROUP 2)

And they abused us!

(ALL)

How could you tell us that we were wrong?

(GROUP 1)

He had it comin'!

(GROUP 2)

He had it comin'!

(GROUP 1)

He only had himself to blame!

(GROUP 2)

The only had himself to blame!

(GROUP 1)

If you'd have been there,

(GROUP 2)

If you'd have been there,

(GROUP 1)

If you'd have seen it,

(GROUP 2)

If you'd have seen it,

(ALL)

I betcha you would have done the same!

(INO (spoken))

You click with that chips one more time!

(DEIDARA (spoken))

Single my ass!

(TEMARI (spoken))

Ten times!

(HINATA (spoken))

Akamaru lepszy niż ja!

(SAKURA (spoken))

Number seventeen – the prostate exam!

(TSUNADE)

Artistic differences!

(INO)

Click.

(DEIDARA)

Six.

(TEMARI)

Squish.

(HINATA)

Uh-uh.

(SAKURA)

Ichiraku.

(TSUNADE)

Jiraiya.